Divorce parents and children of divorced parents, what was done right? What was done wrong?

my parents have been split since before i can remember,

my parents wont talk, not that they hate each other, they just choose not to. so im stuck being the middle man ALL THE TIME.

for example: i had to go to the ER (spider bite) and they billed my mom, insted of mailing it to my dad, she first waited till i came home from college to give it to me. and told me to take it to him. i live 3 hours away from him.

so basically, they just make things more complicated than they need to be. do your children a favor, and keep in touch.

The real problems will start when the visitations run into trouble. There will be gaps in availability and reliability. Keeping communication up will help the most. Call daily, and make sure there is a meeting of the minds on as many things as possible.

First, don’t make your ex your enemy, do your damnest to stay on a friendly footing…neither you nor your kids can afford that. Secondly, love your kids with all of your heart, let them know that nothing they’ve done is the cause for the current situation and that your love for them will never change. My dad was a weekend dad since I was a year old and I have a son that lives with my ex…I do know a thing or two about it.

I have watched my twin nephews struggle with their parents’ divorce. While my sister and her ex are mostly amicable (I ate Thanksgiving dinner with her in 2008, and he was there too), I have seen her do a few things I wish had not happened and do some good things.

While most of the time they are friendly, both of them have, on occasion, bashed the other parent to the kids, which I think is a real no no. No matter what the provocation. Really, the kids will figure it out for themselves.

One thing they have done right is that while their parenting styles are very different (she’s intense; he’s laid back), they discuss important issues and always present a united front.

They generally do not allow the kids to play them off against the other, which kids of divorce, even the nicest, will catch on to if it is allowed.

They discuss money issues in front of the kids, which I think is very wrong as it contributes to the feeling of insecurity that divorce causes just by happening.

Keep things as friendly as possible – at the very least, as civil as possible.

It’s been a struggle, there have been times when I would love to throttle him. He’s hurt my daughter, many times. Right now , they are trying to work on things out. He knows my only wish was for them to maintain a relationship and he’s tanked that, several times.

At some point, expect for one or more of your children to think it was something they did. When they do – it hurts to hear it, but be strong and let them know what you’ve already been telling them – is wasn’t them.

Don’t talk about him in front of the kids – if it is not positive, don’t say it. Remember, above all else – consistency is key. Express you love for them and also remind them how much their dad loves them.

It’s a bumpy road, but your love for them shines through. Be ready for the ups and downs – but it does smooth out. I wish you and your children the best.

ever notice the amazon ad to the right changes to fit the subject of the question? thats so cool!

it takes time for the kids to get it, expect some bumps for a while. do not be the Disney dad type who just tells the kids how much happier they are with you. they will resent you and grow up not looking at you as someone they have respect for. do not use the kids as a go between, and do not use the kids to seek revenge on mom. sure that sounds silly, but for each time you slam mom your kids grow less fond of you. the result is a teenager who hates you and will rebel because your not someone they respect. I disagree with the daily calls, you both need to foster a relationship with the kids and that can be hindered by putting yourself in their life away from you. allow the kids an avenue to contact the other parent, but don’t force them into anything where they have to choose sides. it’s tricky and I don’t envy your position, but just be there for the kids as their parent and they will be fine.

You might want to use something like www.backpackit.com to keep everyone organized. It’s a cool online tool that allows you to post a calendar, documents, etc. With three kids, it will be good anyways. You could post visitation schedules, school events, doctor bills, homework, etc. so that it’s available from both households 24/7. That way, communication breakdowns would not be based on not remembering or saying “you didn’t tell me.” It’s a collaborative site.

My mom dragged us into everything, and it was awful. I’m refusing to discuss my husband with my children, unless they initiate it.

My parents separated when I was 14 and officially divorced when I was 17. I’m 20 now. They didn’t do many things right when it came to the divorce. First they went through the angry/bitter stage. Which is bad for kids when your parents talk behind each other’s backs. Then they tried being friends. That just felt fake. My advie is if you’re not friends, don’t fake it. You should always be civil, but you don’t have to pretend you’re the divorced couple who are best friends if you’re not. And now my parents are in the stage where they rarely talk, unless it’s something important that involves us kids, like financing our education. Be glad you’re getting divorced when your kids are still pretty young. My parents should have divorced years before they even separated.

I really like the ‘don’t fake it advise’

what are your thoughts on the ‘you will understand someday’ line many parents use? I’m torn as I use it frequently to avoid slamming the other party, but I fear that is a loaded statement and should stop using it.

I would say your dad is still your dad, and I am still your mom. The divorce has mom and dad as married people. What happens between married people is their business only. I’m not going to talk with you about it because it’s private grown-up stuff. I still love the part of dad that is in you, but we cannot live together as husband and wife any more.

Right: The divorce in the first place.

Wrong: Talking shit about each other in front of my sister and I.
Acting like immature morons (drinking, drugs) because of newfound “freedom”.

Right. My ex and I never put the kids in the middle.
Very wrong: my daughter was sexually abused by a man my ex let spend the night.

My ex and I divorced fairly amicably, but even with us we went through a period where we almost hated each other (we fought much more during our separation than we ever did while together). Even then, we never bad-mouthed one another to our children. Thank goodness we are long past that stage, and are quite friendly. For large issues, we always discuss them away from the kids, come to an agreement, and then present a united front to them. We still hold family meetings on occasion, with all of us in physical attendance. We maintain a set schedule for visitation, vacations and finances but also allow for flexibility.

Some things we did very differently than the norm:

1) My ex-husband has primary physical custody of the children. We made that decision in the best interests of the kids. We wanted them to continue to live in their (very nice) house, and there was no way I could afford to keep it. He is also actually much better at day-to-day parenting than I am. He is organized and structured, while I have anxiety and Fibromyalgia, and often fly by the seat of my pants.

2) Until the youngest started middle school this year, I picked them up after school every day, and stayed with them at my ex-husband’s house until he got home. Trust was very important in this, because it requires that I have the key to his house, and was in it every day without him. My new (-ish) husband fully supported this.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is: Be a grownup, and do what is best for your children – even if it is not what someone else would do, and you will always be doing the right thing.

ha, wait till you guys remarry! thats when it gets hairy

I already am remarried (4 years now), and it’s actually been better than I ever hoped for! My ex comes to Easter dinner at our house. He, my husband, and my (adult) step-son got all kinds of drunk last year. They had their arms around one another, and were doing that “I love you man” crap! It was hilarious. My kids (14, 13 and 11) were mildly outraged by their behavior, but loved it anyway.

Supermouse, I like the word “obviously” in your question. Most mothers don’t even consider their children (regardless of what crap they may say in court). It’s always about “ownership”.

Here’s an example:
Today was my daughter’s birthday. Even though I have custody, her mother has decided to take her by force and lock her up in a room until she stops crying and calling “I want my daddy”. It has been over 4 months now. Today I got a court order forcing her to at least bring the child to the police station, where she could get her presents. Not only did she refuse, but she swore at the policeman.

I’ll spare you the rest of the details, but here’s a question for you: Who won?

did my ex gain anything by refusing to allow our daughter to get her presents? Will my daughter love her mother more this way, now or in the future?

Did I lose anything? I’ve already paid for the presents. Now I get to keep them and give them to her some other time. I actually got one more proof against her (I had enough evidence to put her away for life but didn’t use it, and then it all got stolen). She will be arrested on Monday. Which again, poses the dilemma: do I really want to do this to the mother of my child?

Or was it perhaps against a child, who on her birthday is not even allowed to see her dad, the only thing she’s been longing for since Christmas (forget about the presents)? How will this affect her? And will she ever forgive the people that did this to her?

Another example: my girlfriend has a child with a guy that is not all that bad, but he’s too busy being a hot-shot director to care about his kid. Whenever he visits, she puts him up for the night, cooks for him and takes care of him as if he were her best friend. Even though she can’t stand him. Her daughter gets to see her daddy as much as he wants. My gf actually wishes it were more and always begs him to call or visit, or even take her for a couple of days if he wants.

Bottom line, both little girls love their dads. Mine is not allowed to see me, is hurt because of that and hates her mum as a result.
Hers is allowed to see the dad, but the dad doesn’t care enough, so she’s pretty disappointed, but it’s still ok. And she loves her mum.

Take your pick.

My Mum happily admits that during the initial post-divorce period, she was scared to have contact with my Dad in case he kidnapped me (he’s a strange man). Try and keep as much friendly contact as you can, even if it only revolves around discussing the kids. If you can eventually be friendly, then all the better, but don’t expect something this unrealistic so early on.

The fact that you live on the same continent will also help… When my parents divorced, we had no choice but to mocve from Brazil to the UK, which sure as hell made it pretty diffcult to have any relationship with my Dad.

Be a grownup even if you don’t feel like one. You at least have the option. The kids don’t. And your ex may not be able to. It’s not fair; but grownups don’t ask for “fair”.

@Jack79, Which again, poses the dilemma: do I really want to do this to the mother of my child? Yes, you do. Not to get religious on you, but this is exactly the point of the Solomon “cut the baby in half” story. Giving birth isn’t all there is to being a mother.

Alfreda, as I stated in another post (about my dilemma to put the evidence online), what has kept me sane throughout this ordeal is the certainty that I have done absolutely everything in my powers to avoid confrontation. Even the slightest doubt would have driven me crazy. By always double-guessing myself and giving the other side any possible benefit of the doubt, I have made certain that I will face my daughter with a clear conscience when the time comes to explain my actions. Regardless of any moral implications, it practically helps a lot to know you’ve done your very best. It is what gives me strength to carry on. And even so, I keep giving my ex chances all the time (though by now knowing and half-hoping she’ll reject them, which she does). Anyway, I’m wandering off topic now.

Point is, do your best. It helps in the long run, especially yourself. You’ll never regret trying to work things out or wasting time being nice to the other parent. But most divorcees eventually regret not trying hard enough and always wonder whether there was more room for negotiation. And the worst bit is when you get judged by your children 10 or 20 years later. I know many mothers who did their best and brought up their kids really well, while the father was somewhere having fun for 20 years, only to lose their child and be blamed for everything when he came back as a hero in the end. Which is even more unfair than what I’ve been going through.

My parents divorced when I was 7, and it ended up being very traumatic for me as a child, as well as had it’s residual affects on me as an adult. Since was so young, the court ordered me and my two sisters to be in my mom’s custody until I was 11 (my sisters being 12 & 13), at which time we could chose which parent we wanted to live with. At seven, I very much idolized my dad and was his little shadow—we sere inseparable—and he obviously very much loved his son.

The separation from was a very difficult thing for me, as I didn’t understand it, and divorce wasn’t all that common yet or talked about much. Though we visited dad every other weekend and had a great time, at the end of the weekend, the pain of the separation was always back again. I did get easier over time of course, as I started to understand more as I got older.

So at 11, when it was time to choose, 4 years had past, I had my friends and school, as well as my routine and comfort zone. I chose to stay with my mother, and this broke my dads heart, and he took it out on me, my sisters and my mom. Though we continued to visit on weekends, things changed. He talked shit constantly about my mom, started to flake on our weekend (sometime not even showing up when he said he was) and missed our birthdays and school related stuff like plays & sports.

This hurt me very much, and I didn’t understand it at the time, but as an adult I realized that he was an asshole and shitty father. He was mad at my mom for having to pay child support, and I know he felt she talked us into staying with her so he would have to pay her money.

Looking back on all this, losing my idol, and the person I loved the most in the whole world, has definitely had an affect on my adult relationships and breakups are very difficult for me to this day. I have a daughter, and though her mother and I are not together, I have vowed never to do to her, what my dad did to me, and her mother and I are friends.

On the positive side, my mother handled all of it in an amazing way by talking us through everything that was going on, always talking very nicely about my dad to us, and providing us with a solid home in what could have been an otherwise rough childhood. I also never heard them argue, though my mom said they did a lot, they just used discretion and kept it quiet.

Right: keeping up contact with the child; making an effort to remain on civil terms with each other; no arguments over money
Wrong: unresolved and unspoken resentments that tended to surface at precisely the worst moment.