General Question

kayysamm's avatar

Abortion or no ?

Asked by kayysamm (435points) May 14th, 2009

I always told myself when I was younger if I ever were to get pregnant I would keep the kid. I could never give him up or kill him.

Now that I’m getting older and I have things to pay for and am trying to start things on my own I realize I would most likely get an abortion, if it came down to getting pregnant.

Girls, what would you do? How do you feel about abortion?
Guys: What would you prefer to have done if you knew it was your kid ? What are your thoughts too ?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

82 Answers

janbb's avatar

I don’t pretend to know what I would do or feel if I were to get pregnant at a time when I didn’t feel I could have the baby. I am pro-choice in that I definitely believe in a woman’s right to choose but I don’t think that it is a choice that should (or usually is) made lightly. I am grateful that I was never faced with that choice but as I said, I support a woman’s right to have an abortion if she deems it necessary..

ubersiren's avatar

Use birth control and a condom. Or get fixed. I’m pro-choice, but also anti-abortion at the same time, if that makes sense. I think we should have the choice, but I think it’s often taken for granted and used as birth control which I see as just messing with nature (I’m not religious, but respect Mother Nature highly). I knew women when I worked in Baltimore who were on their 2nd, 3rd or more abortion. Prevent the pregnancy altogether, and you won’t have to face a moral dilemma and possible regret. Just think about your options. If you take all the necessary precautions and still get pregnant, then worry about it.

MrGV's avatar

Abortion is good; it helps regulate population o(^_^)b

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

Personally, I am a guy, and have no say in such a situation. I know guys whose girlfriends have had abortions behind their backs, and they were understandably upset by it. I think it comes down to if you can afford to give the kid a decent upbringing? Can you adopt the child out or something? My wife and I decided NOT to have children, and then we took care of it by medical procedures. We couldn’t have kids if we wanted now. Which we don’t, by the way.

Abortion is a personal choice, and this question will ellicit plenty of strong responses. One thing I will say however, to the people who are 100% against abortion:

Just who in the Hell is going to raise the kid that the parent doesn’t want when they decide to abort it? What is worse, an abortion of a fetus, or an unwanted child raised by cruel and neglectful parents?

dynamicduo's avatar

I am very responsible about my reproduction, thus the chances of me getting pregnant are very very low. In the case where I was faced with this situation though, I would have an abortion. My current partner will be getting a vasectomy soon of his own desire, as he does not want to have children ever, and I would respect that. Furthermore, I do not want to be a mother now, if ever. Thus no child for me at this time.

phoenyx's avatar

(I am not 100% against abortion)

That seems like a false dichotomy. What about a third option: adopted by a loving couple who desperately wants children but can’t conceive?

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

@phoenyx nice concept, but in practice, it is a rare thing. Adoption is an expensive process (I looked into it many years ago) and there are all sorts of complications that can occur with such a contract. Adoption serves a wonderful purpose, but right now, there are children on the adoption list with no hope of ever finding a loving family environment. What about them? Who is going to adopt them? Everyone wants to adopt infants, no one seems to want older kids. They are languishing in places that are not conducive to their best interest, simply because this isn’t a perfect world.

I am all for as many wanted children being raised by a loving family as is possible, but this isn’t a perfect world, as I noted before. I have seen children abused in foster homes, and by parents that didn’t want them, but were forced to keep them due to external pressures. The removal of a small not yet fully formed fetus is less of a ‘crime’ than the abuse and/or murder of a fully formed, functioning human being.

My point is this: Abortion should be three things. It should be rare, it should be safe, and it should be legal. It should not be a form of birth control, ever.

wundayatta's avatar

When I was in my 20s, I thought that if someone got accidentally pregnant, then abortion was the right thing to do. We’re just not ready to be parents in our teens, and we can’t afford it in our 20s.

I still think that women should have a right to choose. However, I’ve got kids now. My opinion about affording children and age to have children is much different. I didn’t become a father until I was 40. If my daughter waits until 40 to have a kid, I won’t be a grandfather until I’m 80.

I’ve seen a lot of people who had kids in their teens do all right. It was a struggle, but they managed to hold down a job, go to school, and take care of the child, and now they’re in good shape. In fact, their kids were out of college before I even had mine.

Having a child was very difficult for me. I was born with a natural vasectomy. Without modern technology, I never would have fathered a child. So, while when a youth, I thought pregnancy happened as fast as falling off a log, now I don’t take it for granted. I appreciate children so much more, now.

My feeling now is that if cost is an issue, then it would be appropriate for Grandparents to help. We could pay for the upkeep of our grandkids, so that our children could finish school. I would never suggest an abortion to my daughter. You never know if you’ll get another chance to be a parent. If she did choose to have one, I would be very sad. I believe I would respect her choice, but I would still mourn. I’ve been through that one, before, too.

The second time my wife got pregnant, it was with twins. This freaked her out. She didn’t want to have a high risk pregnancy. So she had a “reduction.” I wanted the twins, but I supported her as best I could. We have a wonderful son now, and usually I don’t remember about the reduction. Still, I wonder about that other child we didn’t have. I mourned it, as I would have a still birth, or a child death.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

I’ve wrestled with this a lot. Here’s what I think.

If a woman I was with became pregnant, I’d do whatever it was in my power to keep her from getting an abortion. If that means adoption, so be it. If that means begging her to keep the child long enough to give birth only so I could raise him/her on my own, so be it.
I also think that it’s not entirely up to me, but it’s not entirely up to her either. It takes to people to make a baby. That said I think the final choice is hers. I support a woman’s right to get an abortion if she feels it’s the only/best option. You can’t play the “what if” game, not getting an abortion could be the greatest choice of her life, or it could be the worst, there’s no way to tell so it comes down to what she feels inside her heart.

galileogirl's avatar

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 Actually it is all up to the woman. We know there are medical complications related to childbirth and pregnancy and no man has any right to say whether a woman should put her health at risk.

We also know that half of unmarried and divorced fathers do not pay their mandated child support so women, especially unmarried women, have to consider the likelihood that they will spend their lives teetering on the edge of poverty. That with the likelihood of no father, that child will have a much greater chance of dropping out of school, abusing alcohol and drugs and going to jail. Statistically by being a single mother she is putting her child at a disadvantage from conception.

Supacase's avatar

I personally would not. Of course, I am in a bit of a different position in that I am married. We do not want another child, but if we had a little “whoopsie” we would welcome him/her.

Don’t think whoopsies don’t happen. We were very responsible (I used to call my husband Triple Protection Aqua Fresh) but got pregnant 4 months after marriage, which was about 4 years before we had planned. Surprise! Love her to pieces. :)

As far as in my teens or 20s, I always thought I never would… but I am thankful I never had to make that decision. I can only imagine it is an extremely difficult one.

DragonFace's avatar

Use birth control, condom, and have the male pull out before the explosion then you dont have to worry about being stupid, getting pregnant, and getting an abortion.

Likeradar's avatar

@DragonFace All forms of birth control (including abstinence) can fail and result in pregnancy. Being “stupid” has absolutely nothing to do with it in some situations.

DrBill's avatar

Never kill a child. The child has done nothing to deserve the death penalty.

As was said earlier, everyone wants to adopt a newborn.

galileogirl's avatar

A fetus is not a child any more than a germinated seed a redwood tree. Fallacy and propaganda.

Les's avatar

@Likeradar : How can abstinence fail? I mean, seriously. If you truly abstain, you don’t get pregnant.

galileogirl's avatar

Maybe he means getting pregnant in a swimming pool. he-he-he

casheroo's avatar

I hate when people say “Don’t use abortion as birth control.” Uhh, you are controlling if you give birth or not, so it IS birth control. Get over it.

I’m pro-choice. It’s hard for me to say that, because I don’t agree with the reasons some women get them, but I know that I’m not in their situation so I don’t know everything.
I don’t like abortions that are done past the first trimester, unless for a medical reason.
If I were to have a second trimester abortion, I would only have an induced birth. If I were to have a first trimester abortion, it’d only be a medical abortion, which is the pill and no surgery at all.

I’ve spoken about this before, but I have had an abortion in the past. It was a very hard decision but it was the best decision for my family. I don’t care if people judge me, but when it came to deciding if we could put food on the table for the child we already have, or not have any money, for a child that didn’t even have a heartbeat yet, we chose our child that was already here.

loser's avatar

I think it’s a woman’s choice.

Response moderated
loser's avatar

@spresto Was that really neccessary?

galileogirl's avatar

@spresto I guess you are too new to know the difference. BTW it should be You’re a bitch not Your a bitch (now THAT was bitchy)

elijah's avatar

I am pro choice, but I do get upset when people choose abortion just because they don’t want to grow up. “I’m scared to tell my mom”, “I don’t have enough money”, or “I won’t be able to socialize anymore” isn’t a good reason. I had my son when I was 17, finished school, and honestly raising children isn’t that hard.

ubersiren's avatar

@spresto : It’s “you’re,” dude.

MissAusten's avatar

We have three kids. Three insanely active, stubborn, persistent, bright, maniacal kids. They are expensive. They are exhausting. I adore them, and feel that my husband and I are so lucky to have healthy, smart, and beautiful children (even if they consistently make me want to slam my head into a wall).

As much as I love them, I do not want any more kids. Ever. I feel like we have been at our emotional and financial limit for the past several years, and another baby would push us over the edge. There are people who can handle a bigger family just fine, but not us. I feel like having another child would be too great a sacrifice for the kids we already have, not to mention for my husband and me. We’re only in our early 30’s, so we have quite a few more years of being extremely careful. I don’t want to have to make a decision about what I’d do if I got pregnant again, so I do everything I can to make sure it doesn’t happen. I hope all of our measures continue to work, at least until my husband gets that vasectomy he’s always talking about. ;) Even then I’ll probably still be paranoid because it’d be just my luck that I’d get knocked up anyway.

So, I feel very strongly that abortion should be a legal choice for women. Personally, I don’t want to ever make that choice for myself, but I still think it should be a choice.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

@galileogirl read the post, I said the final choice was hers. and I wasn’t speaking of every unwed woman on the planet in that post, I was speaking on my behalf alone. like I said, I would be there for my child if that’s what it came to. I’ve had a woman get an abortion behind my back, she didn’t even tell me she was pregnant until after she had it done. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret her choice to not at least inform me of her plans about our possible child.

Knotmyday's avatar

I agree with @evelyns_pet_zebra. What he said.

@galileogirl – Way to roll with it. With your disposition, you’d make an awesome teacher!!! :)

p.s., I know you already are.

Supacase's avatar

@casheroo I am one of those people who has a problem with using abortion as birth control. I believe preventative BC measures should be used if you are going to be sexually active and don’t want a child.

I have a friend who got pregnant on twice and had two abortions because she deliberately did not use birth control. One time it was to try to keep a guy who wanted to break up with her. The other time it was to get out of going into the Air Force once she realized that wasn’t the path she wanted to take. Yes, her reasons for getting pregnant were not just foolish but selfish and manipulative, but I cannot agree with using abortion for something like that.

There was another girl in high school who had 3 abortions before she graduated. That is just ridiculous.

Kiev749's avatar

I would leave it up to the Female to make the decision. I would support that decision 100%.

casheroo's avatar

@Supacase Okay, well people do use preventative birth control, and still get pregnant…condoms and being on the pill are not enough sometimes. (which is exactly what I will teach my children, when the time comes) So, abortion is the only option if they don’t want to have the child, because I don’t consider adoption to be comparable to abortion as birth control at all, since the woman still has to carry the child and give birth.
Also, I’m wondering why the number of abortions a woman has even factors into this. You are either pro choice, or you’re not. You can’t pick and choose and dictate what is allowed and what isn’t (which I know I wish I could do, with the limits on how far along a woman should be when having the abortion, so I realize my hypocrisy)

tinyfaery's avatar

If raising children wasn’t hard, then why are there so many fucked-up people in the world, and so many fucked-up parents?

Abortion on demand. I have no right to impose my morals on anybody.

Likeradar's avatar

@Les- Heavy “petting” with discharge from the guy can make a woman pregnant.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

In the moment of finding themselves with the reality of pregnancy, a lot of people change their minds from what they previously believed and so much can be circumstantial; I believe in women having the choice because there is hardly ever any easy black or white situation surrounding.

Supacase's avatar

@casharoo I can absolutely pick and choose what I believe to be morally acceptable. It is my opinion, which may change with each situation if I want it to. It isn’t up to you or anyone else to decide that for me. This is not a black & white issue to me – there is a lot of grey area.

I think 3 abortions by age 18 is irresponsible. That is why I mentioned it.

Also, if you read my first post you will see that I know very well that preventative birth control doesn’t always work. That doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be the first and primary method of protection.

knitfroggy's avatar

I am totally Pro-Choice. I used to think that people she only get abortions if the baby or mother’s life was in jeopardy or if the baby had some birth defect and would have no quality of life. Or in cases of rape, incest etc. As I’ve gotten older I have realized that, if someone gets pregnant and doesn’t want to be, they should have the right to get an abortion and not have to raise a child if they don’t want to. Of course, if someone would rather carry the child and adopt it out, I’m all for that above abortion, but it’s absoultely a personal choice and it’s none of my business what someone else wants to do with their body.

It all comes down to when you believe life begins. I don’t believe that it’s a life until it could live and breath outside the mother-even if it had to breathe artifically and have some support.

casheroo's avatar

@Supacase Okay, so you’re not pro-choice. Got it.

Supacase's avatar

@casheroo I never said that. Does being pro-choice mean I always have to think that abortion is appropriate for every situation? I am not 100% against it, why do I have to be 100% for it. Those are your rules, not mine, but if that is how you want to categorize me then go ahead. Being close-minded on any side of any subject is not usually my style. I always try to see and understand both sides of things.

galileogirl's avatar

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 I may be jaded but all guys say that but over half behave otherwise. 18 years is a long time

3or4monsters's avatar

I had an abortion. I was on the birth control pill, and my partner would often pull out. At the time of conception, I was also a drug abuser, an alcoholic, and consuming diet pills that have since been pulled off the market for causing heart problems and may have caused heart defects in the unborn baby. I was young, depressed, and lacked foresight.

When I found out I was pregnant, I threw all the pills away, I stopped drinking, I quit smoking, and stopped the drug use. I talked it over with my partner. I scheduled my abortion. I mourned for years. Yes, I realize, I AM AN IDIOT.

The zygote may have never reached full term, giving those circumstances. But I had no guarantee. I did not want to miscarry farther along. I didn’t want to give a newborn baby a short life of suffering, to make it that far just to lose the baby. I went clean because I never want to have an abortion again.

I still almost kept the baby. Instead, I reconstructed my life and who I was to prepare to keep the next one, and chose the option that resulted in the least grief.

All lives are myriad, different. I want everybody to have the options to best deal with what life has in store for them. I am glad I had the option. I have been pro choice since I was 12 or 13, and it surprised me how HARD this decision was to make.

edited to add Hello, small novel. Re-reading this, it sounds more like I’m trying to convince myself I made the right choice, instead of telling my story.

casheroo's avatar

@Supacase Being prochoice means you believe a woman can choose what she does with her body. YOU personally putting limitations on what she can do is not being pro choice, because you are not giving her a choice for her own body, no matter what. But, then again, you are saying it’s your opinion that woman than have 2 or 3 abortions should be looked down upon (note: you did not say this, but I get that impression) So, you say you’re pro choice, yet judge? That’s what I’m getting from you.

Likeradar's avatar

@3or4monsters You’re so not an idiot. You’re a person who made a hard decision. I don’t know you, but it may have been a very good decision. I also got pregnant while on the pill and terminated the pregnancy. Life happens, try not to be so hard on yourself (advice I could take for myself, too.).

knitfroggy's avatar

@3or4monsters I think that is what a lot of people maybe don’t understand about abortions. I doubt many people want to have one. Maybe I’m to niave but I don’t believe that someone would purposely go out and get pregnant and think Oh, I gotta get that abortion scheduled. I’ve never been in that situation but I know it has to be one of the most horrible decisions you ever have to make in life. You made the decision that was best for you in your life, even if it was hard. And it sounds like you came out better in the end for it.

I had my tubes tied almost 7 years ago and if something happened and my tubal was to fail, I would have an abortion.

elijah's avatar

@3or4monsters I fully respect you and your decision because you took the time to consider your choice from all angles. Not that what I think really matters at all, but I just needed to say it.

essieness's avatar

It completely depends on the situation. I’m about to be 28 and although it would be hard for me to care for a baby right now, because of my age, I probably wouldn’t abort. A few years ago, maybe. It also depends on the dad for me. If it was one of those bad mistakes I never should have made and I knew that we would make horrible coparents and we and the baby would be miserable forever, I might abort. Or consider adoption. But, if I were in a committed relationship and sincerely thought we could provide a happy home for the baby, I’d keep it.

Having a baby or aborting a baby is a huge decision and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I would have to really think about the long term and not only my needs and wants, but the baby’s and the father’s. Could I care for it? Would it have 2 involved parents? Would it be better off with another family? There are so many questions to consider.

There is rarely a gray area in this type of situation. It’s all situational and should be considered from all angles before making a decision.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I’m pro-choice
and were I to get pregnant right now, I’d abort

nayeight's avatar

I’m pro-choice and would also have an abortion if I were to get pregnant right now.

BookReader's avatar

…freedom to choose…

RedPowerLady's avatar

I don’t want to get too much into the “abortion issue” But I will say this.

Please remember that whenever you talk about abortion you may be hurting someone who would give everything they have to raise these children that are being aborted. Many people lose babies they desperately want. Not that it shouldn’t be talked about but I think it is important to acknowledge this and watch what you say and perhaps think dynamically about what this really means. It is not just an “issue”. It affects the lives of Many people.

Ask a mother who has lost a baby what makes him/her alive? I think moving past the rhetoric that a fetus is not a child would be quite helpful in the abortion debates.

(now I’m leaving because I simply won’t argue this situation with strangers who will say anything no matter how hurtful)

Supacase's avatar

@casheroo I never said a woman doesn’t have the right to choose. She does. That doesn’t mean I have to agree with her reasons. I have my owm moral compass that guides me, my decisions and my opinions. I am open enough to know there is no hard and fast rule to anything. The same solution in every situation is not always the right one, but you can put whatever label you want on me.

Part of having a choice is making the decision. We all judge others on the decisions they make and things they do to some extent, whether we like to admit it or not. A pregnant mom smoking, a dad who doesn’t spend time with his kids or pay child support, someone who buys an expensive new car when they are constantly complaining about money, people who eat nothing but junk food, the neighbor who never mows the lawn, the person who keeps their dog in the backyard all the time or the one who lets their cat roam the neighborhood and poop in everyone’s flower beds. The list goes on and on. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’re judging me right now.

MissAusten's avatar

@RedPowerLady I know you said you are leaving, but I want to comment on what you wrote. I used to work in a large daycare center where there were about one hundred teachers, almost all female and almost all of them were young and starting families. At any given time over the five years I worked there, several women at a time were pregnant. The vast majority had healthy babies and no problems, but many didn’t. I knew a woman who had no trouble getting pregnant, but couldn’t stay pregnant for more than a couple of weeks. I knew two women who lost their babies toward the end of the pregnancy, and one whose daughter was born with a fatal heart and lung problem. Two of my best friends, girls I’ve known since junior high, tried for years to get pregnant with no success (although one recently conceived on her TENTH round of in-vitro and the other finally adopted). I’ve had close friends lose babies, and when I was 16 my own mother had a miscarriage. For all my pro-choice leanings, I am very aware of the heartbreak that comes from losing a wanted pregnancy. I agree with you that sensitivity is always appreciated.

janbb's avatar

I’m actually supportive of almost everyone’s positions who has posted. It’s a difficult complicated issue and I think most of us are grappling with it on a continuum. Although as I said, I am a firm believer in a woman’s right to choose, I can understand Supacase’s and RedPowerLady’s comments as well.

cecildooderbop's avatar

I am pro-choice. I would rather bring a child into this world when I am prepared, rather than not be able to provide a good life that a chile should have.

ccbatx's avatar

Well, I am in a girl, and if I found out I was pregnant today, I would keep it. I’m still in High School, so it would be extremely difficult. I’ve thought a lot about this, and even though I would have to go through humiliation, hardships, struggles, and a human life, i would keep the kid. I mean the benefits would be so much better. You would have a human life, you would have a tiny little smiling face with you, from you. I wouldn’t want to lose out on that.

Likeradar's avatar

@ccbatx You may very well make the choice you say you will if you do become pregnant.
However, I really don’t think it’s something you can say you would or wouldn’t do with 100% certainty until you’re in the situation. This isn’t supposed to be snarky or an attack on you, but it is really pretty much impossible imho to say beforehand what you would absolutely do. Hopefully, you won’t ever have to find out. :)

ccbatx's avatar


I know what you mean, I would agree with you too, it’s just that my mother went through something similar to this. She struggled with the choice of raising a baby alone or living her life as planned. I wouldn’t be here today if she chose the alternative=P

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

@galileogirl in the end, nothing good ever comes from being jaded.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

I would be responsible from the start and not wind up with an unwanted pregnancy. I think people should grow up and accept the responsibilities that come with their actions.

dynamicduo's avatar

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 I strongly disagree. Being jaded saves one from spending their entire lives doing or saying the same things time and time again. Such as in the abortion discussion.

@DrBill – a clump of cells is not a child. A fetus is not a child. Heck, even a newborn baby is not a child. A child can take some sort of care or control over its situation. None of the previously listed things can do that at all.

@RedPowerLady (even though you likely won’t read this) – I’m not sure why this one case should make me more sympathetic to other people’s circumstances. I mean, I don’t consider an amputee’s thoughts when I ask a question about the best running shoe, nor do I consider those afraid of water when I ask a question about swimming. Life is full of all types of circumstances, I can’t (nor don’t want to) be responsible for the way everyone internalizes my words after they’ve applied their unique life vantage point to them. And no offense, but there are plenty of babies in orphanages for those people if that is an acceptable solution for them.

OpryLeigh's avatar

I am pro-choice and will remain so until every orphan in the world has been adopted into decent homes with loving parents. There are so many children that don’t have homes and families even with the amount of people that do want to adopt. So because of that, if a woman really doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel that she can continue the pregnancy then I respect her choice to terminate. Would I personally choose abortion right now? I don’t know. I don’t want to get pregnant right now (or possibly ever) and so I am as responsible as I can possibly be without being celibate. I agree with what a lot of people have said here that you rarely know until you are in this situation what you would do and it angers me when pro-lifers judge people that have had abortios because, at the end of the day, there are very very few women that I imagine could make that decision lightly. Each womens situation is different and bringin a person into the world is a huge responsibility and for that reason I can respect someones choie whatever that may be

IchtheosaurusRex's avatar

We were told by doctors that we would probably not be able to conceive. My wife got pregnant, unexpectedly, at the age of 42. We chose to keep the baby even though we knew it would rock our world. We also knew there were risks because of my wife’s age, and mine – I was 55 then. I’ll confess that for one very brief moment, I had some doubts about wanting to go through with it. Hearing my daughter’s fetal heartbeat at our 12-week ultrasound very much dispelled those doubts. This was my child, and I loved her even then.

A few weeks after my 56th birthday, and a few weeks before my wife’s 43rd, she gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I have not had one shred of regret since, even though it has been hard. All the plans we had made about about how we would spend the rest of our lives were shredded. It changed our entire future.

The choice was always my wife’s, never mine – and it was certainly not the State’s, let me be very clear on that. I’d have supported her in whatever she decided, but I am glad she wanted to keep the baby, too. Ironically, before we knew she was pregnant, but after she had conceived, I had a long conversation with my sister and her husband about how much I regretted not having children. I thought it was something that had passed me by.

I would not have missed it for the world.

DragonFace's avatar

I was just saying to use all the birth control methods at once then you cant lose if its that big of a deal. I did it with my ex cause i would be damned if i were to get her pregnant

Judi's avatar

I could never do it. I got pregnant at 18 when I was single and always knew I would keep her. I do respect the choice of women who make that excruciating choice. I don’t have respect for those who use it like birth control and are cavalier about it.

galileogirl's avatar

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 It’s a natural part of aging and witnessing too much

CMaz's avatar

It comes down to the decision of the woman. Period. Bring God into it. It gets all mucked up and confusing. If your decision is from the heart, God knows your heart and all is good. No matter what pictures you see of fetuses. That disgusting tool to manipulate the emotion. God created man when he breathed life into him. It comes back to what you decide life is, and what is best to make your life work.That is no ones understanding but yours and gods. Or yours alone. Too many people should mind their own business.

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

I had hoped that everyone would stay civil on an emotional issue like this, and so far, with a few exceptions it has. That’s why I like Fluther, people can usually discuss things without ad hominem attacks and typical drama BS.

Like all things, life is about choices. Your results may vary.

DrBill's avatar


a newborn baby is not a child.

Personally, I think you need to seek help, if you really believe that.

essieness's avatar

I would just like to add a “what if” scenario to this discussion:

A guy and girl are “friends with benefits” and having a little fun, but this guy and girl aren’t in a loving, committed relationship. In fact, while the girl says she’s only in it for the fun, secretly, she’s in love and wants to be with him. He honestly has no idea. So, she lies and says she was told she can’t become pregnant. Because they are friends, he trusts her and doesn’t use protection. Obviously, that’s a mistake, but he trusts her. He has no reason not to. Whoopsie! She gets pregnant. She hides the pregnancy from him until it’s too late to have the abortion. They find this out the hard way… at the clinic. He knows they won’t be able to care for the baby and won’t make good co parents, so they discuss adoption. The girl tells him, “I’m only doing this for you” because she wants nothing more than to be with him. She tells him this repeatedly… “I just want to do whatever makes you happy so you’ll be with me.” Never does she say anything about doing the right thing for her baby. They even meet with a loving family who has spent thousands of dollars to fly down to meet them and offers to pay all her medical bills and 4 months worth of living expenses. They talk to and meet with this family, giving them hope, then only hours later, she tells him she’s not sure. For the entire pregnancy, she goes back and forth between keeping it (at her family’s insistence, not because she actually wants the baby) and giving it up for adoption (because she thinks that will make him want to be with her, which it won’t). She tells people the baby ruined her life… she hates the baby… She has not purchased clothes, diapers, a crib, a car seat… nothing. There has been no baby shower, no excitement from her about the baby. Yet, the option of keeping it is still there. Why? To corner him into being in her life forever. Obviously there’s way more to this story, but I would need an entire day to tell it.

In this situation, he really has no choice. He knows giving the baby up for adoption will be best not only for him and her, but for the baby. This family has invested time and money into this possible adoption and yet, she’s still wishy washy. Even as she’s about to have the baby most likely today, he still doesn’t know what she plans to do. There is still a very likely possibility that she will keep it because her family wants her to. In that case, he will be tied to this girl forever, which is the worst case scenario. Yes, he will have a beautiful little boy, but he will most likely be raised by his grandparents, because she has no desire and no means to care for him. This little boy will grow up knowing that his mommy didn’t want him so she gave him to her parents. This guy and girl will forever resent each other because he wanted to do the right thing and she wanted to spite him.

So, shouldn’t the guy have more choice? If she keeps it, should he sign over parental rights so this girl can’t suck him dry over a baby she doesn’t want and he knows he can’t support? Should he keep his rights and try to be involved in the baby’s life, possibly at the expense of the baby’s happiness?

It’s all such a gray area. Women do trap men with pregnancies and then these men have little or no say in the outcome. Yes, there are deadbeat dads out there, but then there are the ones who are truly trying to give their child a better life, but are held back by crazy, lovesick women.

Of course, the baby isn’t born yet, so we don’t know what’s going to happen, so this is all speculation, but I just wanted to throw the scenario out there.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

@galileogirl I really disagree. my mother for instance, has seen and experienced more than her fair share, but not once has she ever been jaded. I’ve been through plenty myself, I’m not jaded. I’m sure there are plenty of people on these boards alone who aren’t jaded.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I’m pro-choice, always have been, always will be. I don’t believe in getting abortion after abortion, after abortion, but the option for women should always be there. The issue is not black and white and never will be.

I had one. It was hard. I thought about it from every angle. I’ve explained it in another thread. If anyone is on my fluther list who isn’t pro-choice or believes that women who get abortions are wrong, irresponsible or stupid – take me off of your list because I want nothing to do with you, after seeing some of these responses.

casheroo's avatar

@essieness Interesting that she hid it from him past the time for her to have a legal abortion. Sounds like she was scared of the guy, and his reaction…never a good sign.
My thing is, who cares if she trapped him? It didn’t work, obviously. But, he still has a biological child about to be born, and he needs to man up. If manning up to him means giving up his parental rights when the baby is born, then so be it. If she keeps the baby he can give up any rights to seeing that child, but he’ll have to pay child support still. So, unless she gives that child up, he’s thats baby father and needs to act as such. Sounds like a deadbeat already though.

dynamicduo's avatar

@DrBill Your comment is completely disrespectful and by that judgement YOU should be the one who needs to go get help. Seriously, who are you to presume anything?

BBSDTfamily's avatar

@dynamicduo No, DrBill is right. That was advice, not a put down.

essieness's avatar

@casheroo Giving up parental rights negates child support. My birth father stopped paying when he gave up his rights. I can see how you might see him as a deadbeat, but you would have to know this girl and her family. Backwoods crazy doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Edit: It’s also easy to name deadbeat dads, but the point of my last response was that a mom can be a deadbeat too. She has NO desire to mother this child. If she keeps it, her parents will raise it. That was my whole point. When should we stop pointing fingers only at the fathers and take a hard look at the mothers too?

elijah's avatar

@essieness You are right that there can be mothers that suck too. If this girl was so “back woods” maybe the guy should of been smart enough not to fuck her. They are both irresponsible. The only victim is the child.

casheroo's avatar

@essieness Uh, because he was dumb enough to sleep with her without using protection. Even after my ex got a vasectomy, we still used protection…there are other consequences to unprotected sex than pregnancy.. I’ve noticed women who date men with children or who have exes that are pregnant, are very critical of the women, it’s a strange phenomenon but it’s crazy how much hatred a woman can have for someone that she barely knows and only knows one side of the situation. (note: Unless you’ve known this guy for years while he was sleeping with this girl, then you don’t actual know the situation)

essieness's avatar

The baby was born last night…

@elijah Luckily, the baby is going to live with a wonderful adoptive family. He’s really sad about it, but he knows it’s the right thing to do.

@casheroo This is why I love Fluther. I’m forced to look at things from other perspectives. Maybe you’re right and I should tone down my disdain for this girl. It’s just been really hard because she has been a constant presence in our relationship. She has given it her all to break us up and I’ve had to bite my tongue because of the baby. I’ve let my anger get the best of me. But now it’s over!

casheroo's avatar

@essieness I understand. It’s hard getting caught up in emotions like that (trust me, I’ve been there!) I’m glad the situation is over. I hope that girl realizes what a terrible mistake she made, and knows she is making the right decision by giving the baby to a family that will love it.

phoenyx's avatar

Here are some of my life experiences, for what they’re worth.

My best friend was an unwanted pregnancy that was carried to term and given up for adoption. When he was young his adoptive mother died and his father got remarried to a woman who was emotionally abusive. His childhood was not pleasant (his parents eventually got a divorce). However, he is happy today. I think he’s a great father and solid member of society.

My wife had an ectopic pregnancy. The emotional pain and sense of loss we felt were as if a baby had died.

I have a few friends who are infertile. Fertility treatments that don’t work and adoptive processes that fall through are expensive, heart-wrenching, emotional experiences. They would trade places with any pregnant woman in a heart beat.

casheroo's avatar

@phoenyx I’m sorry for your loss. I believe every pregnancy is different, and if the baby is wanted, then it is a baby. If it is not wanted, then the loss is not as severe to the person, and if it is it’s because of their own emotional turmoil of the decision they had to make.


No, except in cases where there is something seriously wrong with the unborn baby (an abnormality/congenital defect), or when the pregnancy endangers the life of the mother.

flo's avatar

I find quite admirable the women who choose to have the baby no matter the circumstances (rape for eg.) because:
“a human life is not mine to end,
“it is not the babies fault”,
“2 wrongs don’t make a right”

DrBill's avatar

@dynamicduo I have not disrespected anyone, I have not made a judgement, I have only voiced my opinion. I’m sorry for your gross lack of understanding, but being a doctor for so many years has afforded me the opportunity to to see proof that a fetus is a life-form, and before that the zygote is also alive. The medical community has accepted this, the scientific community has accepted it, and the law makers have accepted this. It is right to reject knowledge that 98% of the world has accepted, but don’t pretend you are the majority. I would explain when life begins but it is obvious you have already closed your mind to any scientific fact that differs from your narrow view of the world.

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