General Question

ineedsomemajoradvice's avatar

How should I break up with a girlfriend who has been nothing but loving, honest, and great for me?

Asked by ineedsomemajoradvice (12points) June 10th, 2009

Sometimes I feel like I am not ready to settle down quite yet, and am contemplating breaking it off with a great girl. Should I go through with this or not, and if so, how?

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36 Answers

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ineedsomemajoradvice's avatar

That’s not what I am after at all.

Facade's avatar

Just tell her the truth (whatever that happens to be)

cak's avatar

You know, if you really are not at the same place, and you don’t see yourself heading in that direction – it’s only fair to break up with her. This is coming from a female.

If she is ready for something more serious and you aren’t, why would you stay with her? If you truly care for her, you wouldn’t stay and give her (not that I’m saying that you are) hopes of something more serious.

You tell her that you aren’t really ready for any kind of commitment. You need to be honest and direct. None of this, “it’s not you, it’s me” vague crap. The truth – you aren’t really into the commitment side of this and you just aren’t ready.

I firmly believe that if you care enough, even love someone enough – you have to be honest about these things.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

You are really talking to the wrong people about this.

The only person you should be discussing this with at all, is the one person you’re not discussing this with.

Have you considered that a relationship is probably not the right thing for you now with anyone?

All that’s going to happen here if you do this the way you say you’re going to do it, is hurt a lot of people.

You can’t ask us for validation in an attempt to make yourself feel better.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Say what you’ve just written, that you think she’s a great girl and no reflection on her but you are not ready to be serious and don’t want to risk hurting her feelings more by your feelings of present indecision.

ineedsomemajoradvice's avatar

I am so afraid to bring this up with her. I know that I may never find another like her, but I also don’t want to be dishonest or anything. That would be less than what she has given me. Do you all think that this is immature of me to think about, or does this happen with everyone at some point and then fade out?

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Make your decision and own up to the consequences. That’s what being an adult is.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

It’s not immature to think about, you’re facing your feelings instead of denying them, dismissing them and blundering along stubbornly or pretending everything’s okay.

cak's avatar

@ineedsomemajoradvice – May I ask how old you are? To be fair, I’m 38.

ineedsomemajoradvice's avatar

I get it Heretic. Just trying to make the best decision with some feedback.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

I don’t think you do.

You need to talk to her not us.

cak's avatar

@ineedsomemajoradvice – Okay, you are old enough to know that it’s probably best to end this – and know that it’s going to hurt her and suck like hell. What you may not fully realize, you have so much time, my friend. It’s okay, take your time. It’s good to know that you must respect her enough to really think this through. Also, it shows that you realize what a good person she really must be if you fear that she may be the best you will have – relationship wise.

However, if you are here talking to us – I think on some level you are ready to break up. There’s not a magic answer here – none that we can give you. There’s not a damn thing that will make this completely clear for you – except for one statement you made. You aren’t quite ready to settle down.

—Did you guys have the “where is the relationship going” talk – is that what led to this?

Whatever brought you to this, you already have your answers – you had them before you posted this question. Now it’s time to talk to her. Be honest and respectful. It will hurt both of you, but really – if you aren’t ready, it won’t be right.

ineedsomemajoradvice's avatar

Thanks Cak. We have had many talks about the future: marriage, etc…I am just stalling. I honestly can’t think of what I am going to say or how I will do this. And its killing me. I know I need to do this and Im not trying to be selfish but I am scared of letting her go. She has been the best thing to happen to me, no lie.

cak's avatar

@ineedsomemajoradvice -Do it soon, for both of you. I know some might not agree with my advice; however, I’ve seen one too many decide to stay, so they won’t hurt the other. You wind up hurting them more, in the long run. There’s just no way to make this easy.

Tell her what you’ve said here. It won’t make it easier for her, but down the road – certainly not immediately, she might understand.

ineedsomemajoradvice's avatar

Thank you again…this has been a big help to me and I really appreciate it!

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Just tell her the truth. I know you’re in a really hard situation. I’ve definitely been there. It sounds like you’re pretty sure but not positive that this is what you want to do. Consult with trusted friends and family members first before you tell her. To be fair to her, please be sure that it’s what you want to do so that you don’t end up in a revolving door relationship. That’s the worst.

Jack79's avatar

I’d like to say “don’t be daft” but of course it’s not really up to you. If you have no feelings for her, there’s nothing you can do about it. Shame on the girl though. Try and be friends, try and be supportive after the break-up, and suffer the consequences (her anger etc). It should still be a clean break-up if you decide to do it (ie no more sex and so on), but be there for her as a friend if she wants you to. This could drag on for a bit, and become very complicated. But unless she breaks up with you first, it’s the easiest way for her.

Hysteria's avatar

this is one of those rare “it’s not you, It’s me” situations where that actually holds true. Be honest with her. She might understand but want to keep seeing you regardless. Having someone you care about that much be a part of your life is a gift you won’t even realize until it’s gone.
If she was really looking to settle down then the relationship will pretty much end itself once you bring it up, hopefully on good terms.
good luck either way. Not an easy thing to do

dalepetrie's avatar

Dude. Just be honest, but don’t necessarily approach it like you’re for sure going to break up. Basically just tell her you guys need to talk. Then tell her all the great things you feel about her and that you don’t want to lose her. Then say, but there’s a problem. Tell her you know you’ve been together a long time and she wants to get more serious and take this thing to the next level, and you just aren’t ready…you don’t know when or if you ever will be, but you KNOW you aren’t now. Tell her that you don’t want to lose her (again), but that you know it just wouldn’t be fair to her to keep her waiting for something you couldn’t promise would ever come. Say you hope she’s willing to stick with you, but that you’ll understand if she doesn’t and you won’t harbor her any ill will, but it’s just not fair to her to keep her hanging on, you feel like you’re lying to her and she’s too good for that. Then give her whatever she needs, time/space/whatever and take it as it comes.

You can also start to ask yourself what is wrong that you aren’t ready. Is she THE ONE, or not, or don’t you know? If you think she is then you’ve got to be really honest with yourself as to why you can’t be ready to go to the next step if she’s the one. And realize that most people these days do date for a while before getting married. I waited 5 years to propose to my wife…my best friend waited 6 years to propose to his. People often just wait until they’re 30 or pushing 30 these days, if you’re not ready, you’re not ready, just try to figure out why so you can take care of whatever it is you need to take care of, because otherwise, even if she doesn’t stick with you, and you end up finding someone else, you’re just going to do the same thing to her until you fulfill whatever requirements you have to be “ready”.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I’m beginning to suspect she deserves someone better. Just go already. She sounds like a catch; let begin the process of finding someone less fickle.

dreamy_dave's avatar

wow im hearing you. your afraid of commitment thats all. some advise from yonder dont leave her. when you feel ready to commit you will be surprised at how easy it is for strong emotions to grow. your focusing on the big picture too much, dont make the mistake one day you will be happy if you decided to stay. she sounds perfect for you. ive learnt finally

gymnastchick729's avatar

If shes as great as you say she is, and you tell her the truth, she will believe you and accept it. Its going to hurt, no matter how it happens, though.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Not being ready to settle down is no good reason to break up in my opinion. You will regret it when you are ready to settle down and find someone who is just a pass to settle down with. Just tell her that you aren’t ready to take it further just yet, and if she is understanding then she will not push things in that direction without you being willing.

If she is ready to settle down, then you have obviously been together a long while, and the pair of you should be open enough to talk about this on your own.

sap82's avatar

Do you really want to go out into the world again? Why? Do you miss the orgy scene? If you want more open sexuality then I would say yes. Go indulge, but don’t string a great girl on. You are not worthy of her if you would dump her so you could go party for a few more month and them come crawling back after you had your starvation lay and realized that what you had could have been the best thing for you. Never mind that, go out there and find a gangbang; then let me know where its at. I may want to join you, or not. Peace!

amoreno06's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh Not being ready to settle down is no good reason to break up in my opinion.
excellent answer.
is that his only reason to breaking up with her?

cwilbur's avatar

You need to talk this over with her, to be sure you’re on the same page.

I’m in a relationship right now where the other half has said he’s not really ready to settle down. Well, I could be ready to settle down, but given the choices between sticking around in a relationship that’s actually pretty good and splitting because we aren’t in the same place now, I see no reason to split.

Are you enjoying the relationship as it is now? Is she putting pressure on you to settle down and commit? If the answers to that are “yes” and “no,” then there’s really no reason to break it off. Sure, eventually you probably want to take it to the next level, but if she’s not itching to do that right now right now, there’s no reason that you need to make a hard choice right now.

LexWordsmith's avatar

my answer to original Q: “very reluctantly”.
sorry i can’t help more than what has been said already: be completely open and honest. but first ask yourself why she didn’t already know about how your feelings were changing—have you really been as open with her all along as she deserved?

LexWordsmith's avatar

If you’re sure it’s over, and it’s only cowardice that’s keeping you from saying so, then you don’t actually love her, or you wouldn’t put her in the position of being hurt even worse than she would be now (by your openly telling her the truth) when the truth finally becomes obvious to her, in some way (probably by her finding out that you’ve been cheating on her).

If you’re not sure it’s over, it would be respectful of her as an equal partner for the two of you to work out a solution together, rather than try to make the decision on your own. After all, she’s involved just as much as you are—what does it say about your attitude toward her that you act as if it’s appropriate for you to make the decision without bringing her into the decision-making process?

FiRE_MaN's avatar

no! i wouldnt… but thats just me.

fireside's avatar

I would avoid saying, “I just don’t want to continue wondering what it would be like if I never got a chance to take a shot at Girl #2”

Just be an adult and talk to her about it. She’s 21, that is old enough to take the break up like an adult and move on with her life.

Just don’t drag it out and toy with her emotions.
And don’t come crying back to her when Girl #2 rejects you.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@amoreno06 In the absence of other information or criticism of her, I assumed that this is the case.

fireside's avatar

here is the other thread related to this issue.

Poser's avatar

I’ve had this conversation a couple of times, with two different girls. The first was shortly after my divorce. I was about 25, she was 18. We dated for about 4 months, and I had a really good time. Then it started feeling like she wanted something more than a fling. She was nice, sweet, and treated me great, but I wasn’t ready for another wife. I told her the truth. She was hurt, but about a month or two later, she was married to some dude she’d been talking to on the internet. Further confirmation that I’d made the right choice.

A few years later, I was dating a girl more my age, and I was more stable myself, though I still wasn’t looking for anything serious. After several weeks of dating, even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with her, I told her that I wasn’t ready for a relationship. She told me that she wasn’t either, and thought we were just having fun.

So, in short, just be honest. It’s the best policy for a reason.

Nullo's avatar

Sounds to me like you’d be better off not breaking up with her.

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