General Question

mrwhoopie's avatar

Is it fair to your mate to remain in a hetro marriage if you are gay?

Asked by mrwhoopie (100points) June 13th, 2009

I have a gay male cousin that is in a marrige of convienience. He cheats on her with the same sex but she looks the other way rather than split up Shouldn’t they split and look for their true soulmates rather than carry on with this false marriage?

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16 Answers

casheroo's avatar

Does the wife know he’s gay? Maybe they have an agreement you know nothing about.

Kayak8's avatar

Agree with Casheroo.

seekingwolf's avatar

Sounds like they may have an agreement there…esp when you said “she looks the other way” when he cheats.

It’s def not ideal, but at least she knows what is going on and he’s not deceiving her. I don’t have the authority to say what they “should” do as every marriage is different and people are free to make their own choices.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

are there children?

laureth's avatar

I’d say that in this case, “fair” is in the eyes of the spouse. Perhaps the marriage is more to her than just sex? She apparently wants to stay together for some reason.

cwilbur's avatar

It’s not fair to lie and deceive, and to manipulate someone into making a decision that he or she would not make if he or she knew all the facts.

But it sounds like both people in the marriage know what’s going on. That makes determining what to do about the situation their problem, and not your problem.

Likeradar's avatar

“Shouldn’t they split up?”

Is there abuse? Then no. They should do whatever works for them. And if this situation is working for both of them then they’re lucky.

Maybe she has a lover/lovers on the side. Maybe she is crazy in love with her husband but just doesn’t care about sex so this situation is perfect.

Darwin's avatar

There are many possibilities about this marriage you cite. In any case, if both he and his wife accept the situation and get value from it, why should they split up? Maybe they are true soul mates but sex is not as important to their relationship as it is to others? How do you know this is a false marriage? Do you believe marriage is only for sex, and never for companionship or common goals?

In other words, I agree with @cwilbur and @Likeradar. Seek your own soul mate and don’t worry about your cousin.

Phobia's avatar

If she knows about it and doesn’t complain about it, there doesn’t seem to be a problem.
“Don’t fix what isn’t broken”

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

What a small world. I too have a friend whose male cousin is homosexual (cross dresser too) and is married with children. The wife has known for some years but they don’t want a divorce because the family together seems to be where he wants to be more than what he does on the side and she wants him as-is more than she doesn’t want him. The kids know he’s homosexual but they are young and aren’t told about his side affairs.

Kayak8's avatar

I know of a situation where a guy wasn’t entirely sure about his sexual orientation and (unlike many others) was honest with her about the feelings he was having etc. He married her and viewed her as his life partner and wanted her to know of his confusion. Eventually they divorced, but she was aware of his struggle and, while she wasn’t a participant in his choices, she had the opportunity to work through her own feelings with him.

I would far prefer that a partner/spouse be honest and share what is going on deep within them than to hide it from themself and me. That is part of the bargain when we agree to love someone unconditionally.

Disc2021's avatar

Hell no it isn’t fair. Granted, it is possible they do have some sort of agreement.

I’m a firm believer of true love. I know reality hits a little harder than that and people get married (or stay married) for various different reasons – but I think the idea of marriage exists for a reason other than what the 21st century has manifested it into.

mrwhoopie's avatar

They have no agreement. His wife just refuses to recognise it. She knows he is gay and there are no kids.

mrwhoopie's avatar

@cwilber Its not my problem they just both seem unhappy when they are together. She seems to have low self esteem and doesn’t think she can get another “guy”. Everything is great for him. he gets all the sex he wants and doesn’t have to go thru a divorce.She also earns the majority of the money in the household.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

actually the concept of marrying for love is quite new and has only come to fruition not long ago, century speaking

Darwin's avatar

@mrwhoopie – In any case, they are both adults and can (and should) make their own decisions. You really don’t know what goes on inside other peoples’ heads and marriages so you really need to leave the two of them be.

For all you know, she is gay, too, but he acts as her beard so no one knows.

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