General Question

dalepetrie's avatar

If you were to negotiate a "freebie list" with your spouse or significant other, who would be on it?

Asked by dalepetrie (18002points) June 20th, 2009

In case you somehow don’t know what a freebie list is, in a nutshell, you and your spouse or significant other get to negotiate a list (one for each of you) that says which celebrities (popular lore is 5, but it can be any number you want, as long as you and your partner have the same number) you could sleep with if you ever had the opportunity to do so and your partner wouldn’t be able to get mad about it. Kind of like “I agree never to cheat on you, unless I get the opportunity to nail [insert celebrity name here]”.

So, this question has some rules. First off, you are not limited to naming five, you can name 100 if you wish, and the only minimum is 1, you MUST name at LEAST one celebrity who would make it on your list. Second, even if the real answer is that you and your partner would NEVER agree to such a list, this is a hypothetical, so it assumes that you had the opportunity to make this list and you need to put at least one name down. Third, “I would never act on it even if I got the chance to sleep with someone on my list” is also an answer which may be 100% true, but which is not permissible…it is hypothetically who you would WANT to be on YOUR list, the person or persons you would INSIST be on that list even if there was 0 possibility you would ever act on it even given the opportunity. Fourth, you are allowed to answer even if you don’t currently have a spouse or a significant other…as this is a hypothetical, you simply need to state who WOULD be on your list if you were in a position to be making such a list.

If you play by the rules, aka you name at least one celebrity, whether you say why or not, whether you have 15 more or not, whether you add any additional information or not, if you name one celebrity who would be on your list no matter what, I will consider yours to be a great answer and will mark it as such at my earliest opportunity.

Ready….GO!!!

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

224 Answers

augustlan's avatar

Dave Matthews
Ellen DeGeneres (for both of us!)

Mel Gibson used to be at the top of my list, until he proved to be such a horrible human being. He’s out.

Tink's avatar

Is this only for married people?
Oh wait I read the instructions again :)
Uhm let’s see…
Patrick Stump
Or
Gerard Way

augustlan's avatar

@Tink1113 Read the whole question, silly!

dalepetrie's avatar

@Tink1113 – look at rule #4 in my second paragraph…

Fourth, you are allowed to answer even if you don’t currently have a spouse or a significant other…as this is a hypothetical, you simply need to state who WOULD be on your list if you were in a position to be making such a list.

Tink's avatar

I re-read it sorry

dalepetrie's avatar

@Tink1113 – no need to be sorry, just a gentle nudge in the right direction (some people on Fluther will get downright irate if you ask a question that’s answered in the question). Fortunately, neither @augustlan nor I are those kind of people…

dalepetrie's avatar

@augustlan – btw, I love that your answer had a person from each gender…I wondered if anyone would do that, didn’t expect it on the first answer. I also suspect that Dave Matthews would make my wife’s list (along with Johnny Depp). Gotta say too, yeah…Mel Gibson….kind of strikes me as ‘smearing feces on the wall crazy’ these days.

Tink's avatar

@dalepetrie – Awww thanks

Lightlyseared's avatar

Monica Bellucci
Sigourney Weaver
Gillian Anderson
Helena Bonham Carter
Emma Thompson

in no particular order and liable to change on a whim

dalepetrie's avatar

@Tink1113 – gotta look out for our newbies…today’s newbies are tomorrow’s respected authorities.

Tink's avatar

@dalepetrie – thanks <(’.’ )>

MacBean's avatar

.
– Hugh Laurie
– Sela Ward
– Cate Blanchett
– Ian McKellen
– Anna Friel and David Thewlis (Only together; I love them too much as a couple to do one at a time!)

rooeytoo's avatar

I am old and my answers reflect it, I always had a thing for Dan Rather in his younger days and Tommy Lee Jones. Both intelligent, well spoken and to me very sexy! Of the younger crop, Kevin Bacon is pretty nice although getting old looking himself these days.

There are probably more but they aren’t springing to mind at the moment. Truly not something I spend a lot of time thinking about. Do you???

dalepetrie's avatar

@rooeytoo – not something I’ve given really any thought to. Just kind of popped into my head tonight as a fun question. You might notice I haven’t named my own…that’s not out of shyness, just don’t know who I’d pick. Right now I’m thinking Isla Fisher, Mila Kunis, Shakira, Rose McGowan and Christina Ricci….ask me tomorrow and I might have a different answer, though…

cak's avatar

Johnny Depp
Monica Bellucci she’s perfection!
George Clooney

Like Augustlan, Mel Gibson used to be on my list. I’d rather die than be with him, ever. He’s just not the person one hoped he would be.

Lightlyseared's avatar

I can’t believe I left off Nigella Lawson! What was I thinking?

dalepetrie's avatar

I’m loving that so many of the women are putting at least one woman on their list. That’s fascinating.

Lightlyseared's avatar

@cak your right, Monica Bellucci is perfection

MacBean's avatar

I’d still do Mel Gibson as long as he wasn’t allowed to talk and he left right afterward.

Tink's avatar

@dalepetrie -Oh that leaves me out :(
Uhm
I choose Megan Fox

cak's avatar

@MacBean tape over his mouth? I have a feeling he couldn’t keep his yap shut!

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Ryan Reynolds.
Tatum Channing – as long as he doesn’t talk.
Make it a threesome. That sounds ideal.
Hell… Throw Scarlett Johannson or Megan Fox in because they both ooze sex. I can’t decide if I’d want to do them or be them, so why not? ;)

TitsMcGhee's avatar

MEN:
Johnny Depp
Ryan Reynolds
Justin Long
Edward Norton
Joseph Gordon Levitt (in his Brick attire)
Cary Eweles (in his Princess Bride days)

WOMEN:
Anna Netrebko
Jes from the first Rock of Love
a girl I went to high school with named Mara
Freida Pinto

and that’s 10.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I was going to choose Johnny Depp, but he’s almost too beautiful. I think all I might be able to do is stare at him in awe. :D

TaoSan's avatar

I would most certainly not discuss boinking other people with my spouse or SO…

(unless it’s a threesome with her of course ;)

casheroo's avatar

My husbands list: Kate Beckinsale, Catalina from My Name is Earl, Kate Walsh (from Private practice, he says that I’ll be like her body wise when I’m older and it turns him on haha)
He probably has others, but I’m drawing a blank. I’d have to ask. I know more which girls he finds unattractive, because he points them out more often than not.

My list: Gerard Butler, Bradley Cooper, Harry Connick Jr, Shia LAabeouf (he wouldn’t be allowed to talk.), Joel McHale

FutureMemory's avatar

Bridgette Fonda
Pam Grier
Nicole Kidman
Monica Belucci
Scarlett Johanson
Thora Birch
Anna Paquin
Judi Dench
Shakira
Kim Kardashian (that ass just won’t quit!)
excuse the butchered spelling, it’s only 4:50am cant be bothered to look ‘em up
Although I’m hetero, for some strange reason I’ve always known I’d do Usher if I was gay.

Jude's avatar

For me: Monica Bellucci
For her: Monica Bellucci

The three of us would be ideal.

Kayak8's avatar

Sandra Bullock (would pay to watch her read the phone book)
Denzel Washington

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

Hmm, I can’t think of a celebrity I’d like to boink. I don’t follow their antics, movies, or daily lives. Thinking hard on this, Brandon Fraser maybe, but I don’t think he swings that way. All the people I’d boink are ordinary folks. Celebrities aren’t a part of my life.

yeah, I know, I’m the wet blanket at your beach party, sorry!

LexWordsmith's avatar

If my wife wants to break the promises that she made at our wedding, i hope that i’ll never find out about it. and i don’t plan to break mine. but that ‘s just stuffy old me.

LexWordsmith's avatar

hmmmmmm, unacceptably wishy-washy. make that, “and i sincerely intend never to break mine.”

SirBailey's avatar

Brooke Burke goes on the top of my list, Sandra Bullock gets my vote too, ANY female dancer on “Dancing with the Stars”, Kara Dioguardi, and Halle Berry.

fireside's avatar

If I were making a hypothetical list, it would have to include Drew Barrymore and Selma Hayek. I’d add Monica Bellucci, but it sounds like she’ll be pretty busy.

Bri_L's avatar

@fireside – I swear this was my list before I saw yours.

Jennifer Anniston
Drew Barrymore
Selma Hayek
Monica Bellucci
and Helen Mirren

filmfann's avatar

Natalie Portman
Helen Bonham Carter
Jessica Alba
Grace Park
Selma Hayek

(Sorry AstroChuck, you didn’t make my list THIS time.)

brettvdb's avatar

natalie portman!!

Blondesjon's avatar

Chef-Boy-Ardee
Aunt Jemima
Uncle Ben
Mrs.Butterworth
Mr. Peanut

Oh! And the Gordon’s Fisherman. RAWR!

TheRocketPig's avatar

Julianne Moore
Kate Beckensale
Cyndi Lauper
Evangeline Lilly
Anna Paquin

filmfann's avatar

I am amazed that no one has listed Angelina Jolie yet.

SirBailey's avatar

or Janet Reno.

Tink's avatar

@filmfann -Probably because she’s having kids like there’s no tomorrow

kenmc's avatar

I would go for Cintia Dicker because I <3 redheaded women.

She would go for Adriana Lima because she has good taste in women.

augustlan's avatar

@boots I’m a redhead, too.

DrBill's avatar

Ellen Page
Sandra Bullock
Janeane Garofalo
Susan Frankford
Lauren Graham

kenmc's avatar

Btw, we’re not lesbians… I’m a man and she is one of those female types.

DrBill's avatar

@boots

are you whispering because your ashamed of your answer?

kenmc's avatar

@DrBill If I was ashamed, I would have edited it. I was just clearing it up because when I read it back, it sounded like we were lesbians.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

@SirBailey, As far as Janet Reno goes, I’ve been there, done that. In case you want to give that little lady a try, remember, she’s a biter. She’s enough of a biter to give John Wayne Bobbit nightmares.

AstroChuck's avatar

@Blondesjon- What? No Poppin’ Fresh?

Blondesjon's avatar

@AstroChuck . . .Nah. He only wants me to poke him in the belly.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

we can both be with anyone so no need for lists
but in terms of celebrities I’d do Jonathan Rhys-Myers and Hugh Laurie
and he’d do that girl from True Blood and Clair Danes
and yes we’d both do Monica Belucci
that’s just a given

tinyfaery's avatar

Hmm…

Mila Jovovich
Taye Diggs
Michelle Rodriguez
ScarJo
Dave Matthews (You just stay away @augustlan.)

casheroo's avatar

@tinyfaery I forgot about Mila Jovovich! She’s on my list.

Darwin's avatar

Johnny Depp, but it might simply be more fun to talk to him. Tim Burton, too, would be interesting to talk to.

SirBailey's avatar

@evelyns_pet_zebra, now I want her even MORE! Grrrrowllllll!!!

tiffyandthewall's avatar

no boyfriend at the time, but since it’s hypothetical anyyywayyy…

for me:
-gael garcia bernal
-gaspard ulliel
-conor oberst
-jon walker
-devendra banhart

for him:
-natalie portman
-zooey deschanel
-scarlett johanssen
-jemina pearl
-dita von teese

and if he’s into guys too, he can surely have his choice of any of the lovely men on my list, but i’d like to be a witness at least.

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

Okay, Mila Jovovich, but only if she wears that outfit and has the bright red hair like she did in The Fifth Element. But no one else, unless Jellies count as celebrities. A lot of the Flutherite Jellies are my kind of celebrities.

Bri_L's avatar

natalie portman
Julianne Moore
Kate Beckensale

augustlan's avatar

@tinyfaery Perhaps we could share him? ;)

MacBean's avatar

@augustlan & @tinyfaery: At the same time! Can I watch? :D

aprilsimnel's avatar

Hmm. If they’d have me:

Michael Palin
David Tennant
Hugh Laurie
Mark McKinney
Bob Odenkirk
Daryl Hall
Chris, the guy who asked me to prom

dalepetrie's avatar

@aprilsimnel – poor Oates, never gets any respect.

filmfann's avatar

(restrains from making the obvious “Hall was feeling his Oates” joke)

aprilsimnel's avatar

Oh, please. I am sure Oates got more than his share of the groupies during H&O’s heyday.

TaoSan's avatar

Remind me to immediately break up with whomever I’m with when the “I love you but if soandso were to offer up….” comes up….lol

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@TaoSan I’m with you on that one. I would never date someone if they were serious about saying something like that.

knitfroggy's avatar

My husbands is Angelina Jolie, Liv Tyler and Tori Amos
Mine are Angelia Jolie, Vince Vaughn, Jonathan Rhys Meyers
(Obviously I’d go gay for Angelina, given the opportunity)

DarkScribe's avatar

I find this fascinating. Firstly that people would want someone other than their SO, and the very obvious fact that not many have spent much time around high profile celebrities with their egos and insecurities. It makes you wonder what people are doing in relationships if they could so easily stray. Maybe the fact that I spent a good few years sowing “wild oats” before committing to a relationship has a bearing.

Also, although I have not slept with very many celebrities – certainly no current ones – I have interviewed a lot of them. Feet of clay doesn’t even start to cover it. Many of them are shallow, unintelligent, and extraordinarily insecure. They spend their lives climbing onto their egos and then slipping off when the medications lose efficacy.

I can only surmise that many people are in a relationship that is a compromise. They committed to someone that should not have.

cak's avatar

@DarkScribe – I answered Johnny Depp, Monica Bellucci and George Clooney. My crush on Johnny Depp stems from my teenage years – 21 Jumpstreet. It’s more of a running joke, now. In fact, my daughter now has a crush on him. As cute as he may be, he’d never be my cup of tea. He’s a smoker…that would never work for me and it’s more o a joke, than anything. Monica Bellucci, yeah…I just think she’s beautiful, but again, I don’t see me telling my husband that I’m leaving him for the night for a celebrity. George Clooney? I’d rather spend my time asking him some questions. I’d like to see how much he really follows what is going on in places like Darfur and whether his stance against the paparazzi is really just an act of convenience, on his part. Not just something that stemmed from the death of Princess Diana.

I had a job where I met many celebrities, I know that about 99% of what comes out of their mouths is fed to them, they look to their agents and handlers for answers to the difficult questions.

My SO knows about my list and laughs about it, just like I do. It’s just something to giggle about. It’s not a serious thing as your response to this idea might imply.

DarkScribe's avatar

@cak There are definitely a few celebrities who I’d like to spend time with – sufficient enough to determine what sort of people they were, time to get to know their true personalities. Some are quite surprising when you look at their bios, they have advanced degrees, had a life prior to stardom where they were successful. People like this interest me.

The plastic Barbie Doll types hold no interest.

cak's avatar

@DarkScribe – yes, there are a few. Unfortunately, I met the ones that I wound up being completely amazed they even made it out of their house, without injury.

There are some, the ones that generally stay out of the headlines, that I am interested in meeting, but those would be for very different reasons. Overall, I’m not wowed, though. Just a few lingering crushes, but nothing more than a crush and a giggle here and there.

DarkScribe's avatar

@cak

Most of those who interest me most are unfortunately deceased. There were many very interesting personalities from the 40s and 50s even the 60s.

cak's avatar

@DarkScribe I’m afraid the past few decades haven’t offered up as many interesting people. When Paris Hilton is considered an interesting person to follow, I give up.

dalepetrie's avatar

@DarkScribe – again, this is completely hypothetical, it’s 100% fantasy. I’d venture a guess that most people if they had such a list and had the opportunity to act on it would not be able to go through with it…infidelity is infidelity after all. It’s just, who is your fantasy? That’s all.

DarkScribe's avatar

@cak When Paris Hilton is considered an interesting person to follow

Paris Hilton is just incredibly lazy, she needed a gynecological checkup couldn’t be bothered going to his office.

cak's avatar

@DarkScribe She just completely disgusts me. Someone with her resources, just so self-absorbed.

@dalepetrie – sorry about the hijack!

DarkScribe's avatar

@dalepetrie It’s just, who is your fantasy? That’s all

Perhaps I’m a very lucky man then, my wife is my fantasy. She can still turn heads in any room. She is also kind, intelligent, successful, and very supportive.

IBERnineD's avatar

In this order:
1.Robert Downey Jr.
2. Lee Pace
3. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
4. Ewan McGregor
5. Shia Labeouf

aprilsimnel's avatar

@DarkScribe – I also worked in film and TV production, and I know exactly what you’re talking about. Frankly, I think my list isn’t bad at all, considering.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@DarkScribe: Hotties are hotties regardless of anything about their personalities. If we’re banging, they won’t need to say anything.

filmfann's avatar

@DarkScribe et al: the premise of this question isn’t really about what celebrity you would want an intimate, long term, deeply involving relationship. It’s about what celebrity you’d fuck if given the chance. The question also says not to express how you would never ever do this because of your marriage, blah blah blah. It’s just a Who Do You Find Do-able list.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@IBERnineD: I definitely hooked up with a bartender who looks A LOT like Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Green shirt. Not the best representation of it, but you see where I’m coming from, yeah?

DarkScribe's avatar

@filmfann It’s just a Who Do You Find Do-able list.

No it isn’t, it is a “freebie” list, an outside the sanctity of marriage list.

I have no problem with listing people that one finds sexually attractive – there are many women who I think are very desirable, very sexy. Being in love with my wife does not make me incapable of appreciating feminine beauty or sex appeal. It does stop me wanting to do anything about it.

The idea of having exceptions to marriage loyalty throws me, and to want sex with someone who you dislike sufficiently to not have them speak during the fun and games seems animalistic. It smacks of rape. You might as well stick to anatomically correct inflatable dolls.

filmfann's avatar

From the question: Third, “I would never act on it even if I got the chance to sleep with someone on my list” is also an answer which may be 100% true, but which is not permissible…it is hypothetically who you would WANT to be on YOUR list

DarkScribe's avatar

@filmfann _From the question: Third, _

In case you somehow don’t know what a freebie list is, in a nutshell, you and your spouse or significant other get to negotiate a list (one for each of you) that says which celebrities (popular lore is 5, but it can be any number you want, as long as you and your partner have the same number) you could sleep with if you ever had the opportunity to do so and your partner wouldn’t be able to get mad about it. Kind of like “I agree never to cheat on you, unless I get the opportunity to nail [insert celebrity name here]”.

We have a different attitude to marriage. I take it very seriously, others don’t. That’s ok, there is no requirement for everyone to agree – it would be a boring world if we all did.

Still, I can list dozens of women who I find attractive – but as previously noted, many of them are dead. For instance, I would love to spend a week or two with Anais Nim. With regard to actresses, I find Lauren Bacall extremely attractive and interesting, even though she is older than my mother. There are lots of others. I simply wouldn’t want to sleep with them. If I wasn’t married, had never met my wife, that might be a different story.

filmfann's avatar

I don’t think we have a different attitude to marriage. We just have a different attitude to this question.
I have no intention of cheating on my wife, even if given the opportunity with any of the women I listed (even Natalie Portman).

MacBean's avatar

@IBERnineD—Lurve for Lee Pace. He is hopelessly adorable.

@DarkScribe—Just stop being such a goddamn wet blanket and taking all the entertainment out of what was meant to be a fun question. Jeez.

Darwin's avatar

@DarkScribe – So what about those of us who listed a couple of celebs, but said they would rather talk to them? As far as I know, the two I mentioned are happily married or at least partnered, but the work they produce intrigues me. I would like to know what makes them tick in that sense. So is it still cheating if you want to spend a couple of hours talking to them about their work?

And I have met a number of celebrities. Some were totally self-centered idiots, but some were interesting people, and a few were extremely nice. A lot of them were shorter than I ever thought they were – evidently publicists and cameras lie a lot.

tinyfaery's avatar

Rape? Really?

Debbie Downer wah wah wah

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@DarkScribe Eh. First, I have no relationship at the moment, I answered guilt-free. Second of all, saying you don’t want someone to talk is not similar to rape. No one is forcing someone to have sex with you. The only reason I said it, is because Tatum Channing is kind of a goofball, but I do think he’s sexually appealing. In that aspect, I think you’re taking it way too seriously.

casheroo's avatar

Wow, apparently a lot of us have terrible marriages and relationships. lol

TitsMcGhee's avatar

I especially think the “get/given the opportunity” portion of the details of the question is important in separating it from “rape.” Also, lusting after someone else in no way detracts from how much I love someone. I’m perfectly aware of my natural sex drive; it is my choice not to act upon each of those whims that brings importance to my relationships.

FutureMemory's avatar

@MacBean I wish I could give you more than 1 lurve.

Aethelwine's avatar

@tinyfaery They never did catch that Anthrax guy… WAH WAHHHH

DarkScribe's avatar

@MacBean DarkScribe—Just stop being such a goddamn wet blanket and taking all the entertainment out of what was meant to be a fun question. Jeez.

No, and I won’t apologise for my ingrained values – it is how I feel and it is unlikely to change. While it might be a “fun” question, it is one that accepts blurring the lines in one of the most important aspects in the lives of all of us. I can accept as a fun question – “Who do you find sexy?” I don’t find the “I agree never to cheat on you, unless I…” exemption clause to be fun at all. If that is too much wet blanket for you, then for that I am sorry – sorry that you cannot accept that not everyone agrees with you.

Maybe it is a little close to home for me, after having a heartbroken daughter involved with a guy who regarded life in exactly that manner. My family now is my world – my family when I was growing up wasn’t. Lots of “things” but not much love is probably why I am so rigid in my approach to marriage and family. Hell, it certainly doesn’t have a religious basis. ;)

FutureMemory's avatar

congrats Darkscribe on killing a really fun, harmless thread. Bravo.

DarkScribe's avatar

@FutureMemory congrats Darkscribe on killing a really fun, harmless thread. Bravo.

Thank you. I expressed an opinion – if that killed it, then it didn’t have much life initially.

dalepetrie's avatar

@cak – I don’t consider YOU to have hijacked the thread. I knew there would be some people out there who would get all high and mighty and say “well I would never do that,” which is why I put language to pre-emp that in the question. But some people just don’t get the point. My belief is most of us who would have a “freebie list” when push came to shove wouldn’t be able to bring themselves to act on it given the opportunity. The fun part about the whole thing is that no matter how happy you are in your relationship, it doesn’t mean that you lose your ability to find someone else attractive. Yes, maybe every other human being on the planet is less attractive to you than is your spouse, and that’s fine. And yes, maybe you weren’t even the type to want meaningless sex when you WERE single, that’s fine too. But the point of this type of list is about the same as dreaming about what you would do if you won $200 million in the lottery…it’s not going to happen, but hey, that shouldn’t stop you from creating your mental wish list about all the things you’d want your mansion to have. Even better, maybe if you won the lottery, you’d put away however much money you’d need to pay off your bills and live a modest existence and you’d give the rest to charity, maybe you’re the type who would never BUY that mansion, it doesn’t mean that you can’t some times think, “maybe I’d build a bowling alley in the basement”, even if you know you wouldn’t even have a basement to do that with if push came to shove. So, if I asked a question about what extravagances you’ buy if you won more than you could spend in the lottery, and I said RIGHT IN THE QUESTION that the rules are, if all you would do is pay your bills and put away enough to survive, that’s all well and good, but it’s not part of this game, then there’s no purpose whatsoever to even answer the question in my opinion.

But I don’t ever begrudge someone from posting his or her opinion if he or she for whatever reason feels the need to do so, even if it doesn’t meet my criteria. I just made it very clear for THIS QUESTION, what the point of this question is, and for the purposes of this question, an answer that does not meet the criteria set forth is simply put, irrelevant to this discussion. And so, while I personally would not interject my opinion when I knew from reading the question that the opinion I was about to interject was one which was listed within the question as being irrelevant to the discussion at hand, that’s each individual’s choice to do so anyway. It just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to do so in my mind, unless you’re looking for an argument. That is basically no better than your typical troll behavior if you ask me…though I doubt in this case that was the point.

Bottom line is, it’s a free country, and Fluther is a free forum, and in just about every other question I’ve ever asked, I’ve refrained from putting any limiters or parameters on how the questions can be answered…in this case I very specifically put down these parameters. I can’t however tell anyone they “can’t” answer my question if I don’t like their answers, that is not within the spirit of this site. I can, did, and will continue however to post explanations to anyone who misses the point, intentionally or otherwise, and I would say leave it at that…if you see someone isn’t getting it, intentionally or otherwise, say something, that’s fine. But there comes a point, and that point is now, that if anyone refuses to play by the rules, they render their voices irrelevant for the purposes of this discussion and ergo must be ignored by those of us who do choose to participate in this forum, for what it’s worth.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@DarkScribe: I would be proud if my boyfriend or husband or whomever actually did hook up with someone on my list, or his for that matter. I think someone who is so overly sensitive and concerned/paranoid about the implications of imagining and/or actually having sex outside of a relationship has their own set of insecurities about their relationship. I’m proud of anyone who has had sex with the people on my list. If my boyfriend or husband came home and said that he’d gotten with one of them, I’d probably high five him or maybe blow him on the spot.

DarkScribe's avatar

@TitsMcGhee I think someone who is so overly sensitive and concerned/paranoid about the implications of imagining and/or actually having sex outside of a relationship has their own set of insecurities about their relationship.

What a crock!

I have said twice that finding another woman attractive is normal – I do it all the time. My objection is to the “exemption” list. Looking is fine, acting out isn’t. If you cannot understand that then, I think that you are lacking something. I cannot see how having “special” circumstances. i.e., a celebrity, even theoretically can be accepted in a good relationship.

My wife will actually point out attractive women to me if she thinks that I haven’t noticed them – she knows that I appreciate beauty, but there is no way that she would expect me to do more than appreciate. It would hurt her, damage her esteem. That would be a good thing “in some circumstances”? No way.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@DarkScribe: I just know that I’d be secure enough in my relationship the the emotional connection I have with my spouse to allow exceptions in the ‘no cheating’ policy. Also, are you saying that people who are in open or swinging relationships couldn’t really love each other because of their sexual interests? Is monogamy the only expression of love? That notion is the crock, imho.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

You also didn’t have to answer the fucking question, if it so offended you.

DarkScribe's avatar

@TitsMcGhee lso, are you saying that people who are in open or swinging relationships couldn’t really love each other because of their sexual interests?

Yes.

It was common when I was young – swinging. I have not once seen a relationship that went through that and remained solid. They might remain together, but they aren’t happy. If there are any exceptions, I haven’t seem them and they aren’t supported in relationship stats, not even by stats jugglers like Shere Hite.

Do you really think that you can look at a partner after twenty years or more, one who has maintained total fidelity and regard them with the same trust and affection as one who made exceptions based purely on the attractiveness of the other party when an opportunity arose?

My wife trusts me and I like to live up to that trust. I am a keen photographer, I like black & white nudes among other things, and on occasion she has found models for me. I don’ shoot when she is there, so that’s trust. (For years she was my primary model, but now she is in her forties, she doesn’t feel comfortable.)

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@DarkScribe: Yes, I do think that is entirely plausible. I think that your assumption that sexual monogamy is necessary to be emotionally connected with someone is naive and culturally biased. I’m also still baffled as to why you chose this game as your soapbox.

DarkScribe's avatar

@TitsMcGhee I’m also still baffled as to why you chose this game as your soapbox.

I am afraid I can’t help you with bafflement, but responding in an honest manner is hardly soapbox oration.

Bri_L's avatar

@DarkScribe -To compare a purely hypothetical list of people we would do the horizontal tango with, a list that indicates nothing other, technically, than something you yourself admitted here to “It smacks of rape.”, a violent and brutal act, is abhorrent. Shame on you.

And since you have thrown out implications as to the nature of our unions, which in my mind is akin to calling us cheaters, I am afraid this “I can only surmise” or suppose that something is true without having evidence to confirm it “that many people are in a relationship that is a compromise. They committed to someone that should not have.” just makes you arrogant as it is nothing but extremely assumptive on your part.

No, responding in an honest manner isn’t a soapbox oration. But, responding in an honest manner that states your opinion as such, and then casting aspersions at the participants who differ from your opinion, despite there own statements about their participation, when you have no factual evidence that your opinion is valid in their case is a soapbox speech.

And enough of your resume, who you interviewed and slept with, it in no way validates your argument in my opinion.

DarkScribe's avatar

@Bri_L

I guess that we are going to be in full disagreement on this one. My attitude will not change, and yes, if you could really consider cheating (not just fancying someone else) as ok within a relationship, then I do think that the relationship is a compromise. I didn’t marry until past thirty, and I had years of “why can’t you commit” from all sorts of people. I suspect that had I committed before I was ready, I might then agree with you. As it is, I waited for the right person, and when I found her I have never had cause to look elsewhere. That is what I regard as a solid relationship. I have many relatives who are equally staunch, although unfortunately my parents don’t number among them. My father cheated.

If this question was just about who you found sexually attractive, I would have no problem. It was, hypothetical or not, about exemptions to the commitment that should exist in a relationship. That I have a problem with.

Phrase the question another.

“Hypothetically, how would you go about hurting your partner and who would you select to do it with”?

Because if you think that a partner will accept a casual sexual dalliance based purely on the fact that the person involved was more attractive, sexier, more famous than your partner and have them not feel badly hurt, then you have a lot to learn about human nature.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@Bri_L: Screw my list, I’ll sleep with YOU. Brilliant.

@DarkScribe: Are you sure your family history isn’t giving you a huge amount of bias? Just because I find someone attractive doesn’t mean that I am looking for something that my relationship lacks. It just means that I like to have sex with attractive people.

DarkScribe's avatar

@Bri_L Just because I find someone attractive doesn’t mean that I am looking for something that my relationship lacks

Do you read what I post? I have not once, not for one day in my life, managed to get through the day with out seeing several woman who I found to be sexually attractive. I have no problem with that, that is reality, human nature. The concept of contractually cheating appalls me. They are two very different things. You cannot have sex with another person and not do damage to the one that you are with. Even making a list that will never be acted upon does NOTHING to build or strengthen your partner’s self esteem.

My wife has no problem with the fact that I find other women attractive, she is reassured by the knowledge that I prefer her. And I do. More than twenty years with her has built something that no one else can match, let alone replace.

BUT, even if I did really want to play outside – I would not hurt her by letting her know. Even a hypothetical list would create such hurt.

rooeytoo's avatar

Remember that line, “Me thinks thou doest protest too much.”

dalepetrie's avatar

The concept of the freebie list is that you both have one, you both agree to it, and you both think it’s a fantasy.

DarkScribe's avatar

@rooeytoo Remember that line, “Me thinks thou doest protest too much.

Yes, although I am sure that is not what you meant, all those who say that they would really like sex outside their marriage, then protest that that does not mean that their marriage is not sound does seem a bit “too much”.

FutureMemory's avatar

Dear god, I’m getting a headache just reading this. Guys, save your breath, it’s clear he just doesn’t get it.

Aethelwine's avatar

@DarkScribe You sound like a loving husband. Much lurve to you! Happy belated Father’s Day.

DarkScribe's avatar

@dalepetrie The concept of the freebie list is that you both have one, you both agree to it, and you both think it’s a fantasy.

The reality of the concept is the knowledge that your SO has a fantasy about other people – that can do damage.

Yes FutureMemory, I just don’t get the attitude. There is little chance of any of it ever becoming reality, these are mostly high profile stars, but the fantasy can hurt – do damage – even if your SO pretends otherwise. That is what you don’t get.

If your spouse prepares a meal for you, do you say “Thanks, that was great”, or “Well it was probably nowhere near as good as if I had been able to eat in a really expensive restaurant in Paris, but it’ll have to do”? That would also be a fantasy – eating elsewhere.

It doesn’t have to be real to hurt – to do damage. Regardless of whether you regard your relationship to be a compromise or not, by saying that other opportunities for sex, food, anything, exist, ones that you would prefer if only they were available – is telling your SO that s/he is a compromise.

casheroo's avatar

Wait a minute, we may have “freebie list” but I’d go all Lorena Bobbit on his peen if he thought it was for real and acted on it.

Bri_L's avatar

@DarkScribe – I agree that we will not see eye to eye on this. I believe you are making generous, uninformed assumptions and accusations about every participant on this thread. I won’t

“Do you read what I post?” Yes, as I indicated in the very first sentence of my post where I pointed out and even linked to an example of what you said. I actually used what you so kindly reiterated in your second response to my posting, in my post.

And your second response to my post is what I consider “responding in an honest manner” and not “soap box preaching”. Your first post on the thread included two windy paragraphs of self-important boasting and, as I indicated one line of arrogance.

DarkScribe's avatar

@Bri_L Your first post on the thread included two windy paragraphs of self-important boasting and, as I indicated one line of arrogance.

That is a little sad – that you regard that as self important or boasting. It is just life experience – I am a journalist, originally television, then for the past couple of decades – print media.

The reason I asked whether you had read what I had posted was because I was in agreement with you. I have no problem with finding others attractive, nor with feeling that it indicates a lack in the relationship. My area of contention lies elsewhere. As made clear in several posts.

Bri_L's avatar

@DarkScribe – Sorry I keep reading it, and re-reading it and thinking, who cares get to the point. It just seems like your begging for attention or want us to ask who.

And as I said, yes read it. Did you read my entire post as well or did you stop there, because by your own statement, which I read as I have said twice now for the purposes of pointing out that you also “smack of rape.”

I am just going to repost it again so you might read it all the way through.

Bri_L's avatar

@DarkScribe -To compare a purely hypothetical list of people we would do the horizontal tango with, a list that indicates nothing other, technically, than something you yourself admitted here to “It smacks of rape.”, a violent and brutal act, is abhorrent. Shame on you.

And since you have thrown out implications as to the nature of our unions, which in my mind is akin to calling us cheaters, I am afraid this “I can only surmise” or suppose that something is true without having evidence to confirm it “that many people are in a relationship that is a compromise. They committed to someone that should not have.” just makes you arrogant as it is nothing but extremely assumptive on your part.

No, responding in an honest manner isn’t a soapbox oration. But, responding in an honest manner that states your opinion as such, and then casting aspersions at the participants who differ from your opinion, despite there own statements about their participation, when you have no factual evidence that your opinion is valid in their case is a soapbox speech.

And enough of your resume, who you interviewed and slept with, it in no way validates your argument in my opinion.

DarkScribe's avatar

@Bri_L Sorry I keep reading it, and re-reading it and thinking, who cares get to the point. It just seems like your begging for attention or want us to ask who.

I wouldn’t tell you so there would be no point asking. It is all more than thirty years ago and it was no one well known outside of our small community is all I will say. It was not the point that I was making, the point lies elsewhere – apparently it was too obscure for you. I will try harder to be clearer.

cookieman's avatar

all I’m saying is @DarkScribe must be a blast at charades ~

flipping literalist

Bri_L's avatar

@DarkScribe – Are you so caught up in yourself as to not even realize what that last post looks like to most people?

It’s the adult equivalent of “is not”.

Was the point as obscure as the points I made that your avoiding?

I should point out that I am very happy for you. I think it’s great that your happy. I have no problem with your not wanting to participate. I just have a problem with your views and statements about those of us who do.

With that, I am off to bed. I leave you with the last word.

Good night all and happy fathers day.

dalepetrie's avatar

@DarkScribe – the key word is you “both” agree…if you’re not the kind of people who can handle the fact that your spouse has celebrity crushes, then don’t make a fucking list. But don’t go onto a discussion about what people’s lists would be and criticize them for having one. That’s TROLL behavior. I re-state, everyone DarkScribe = TROLL, TROLL = IGNORE.

DarkScribe's avatar

@dalepetrie DarkScribe = TROLL, TROLL = IGNORE.

Gee, this poses a problem. How do trolls dress? I am not sure if I have any troll friendly clothing in my wardrobe. I will have to look into it – don’t want to fail at trolldom. Apparently I passed the first test, not agree with someone who has a totally different philosophy to mine. What is next? How do I get promoted?

Blondesjon's avatar

When did a troll=stating your opinion, even when it’s in the minority?

Aethelwine's avatar

@DarkScribe Just run naked. Everyone ignores trolls anyway. They won’t notice.

DarkScribe's avatar

@jonsblond DarkScribe Just run naked. Everyone ignores trolls anyway. They won’t notice.

You might want to reconsider that option, It is at least two decades past the time when I could get away with that.

jumpo7's avatar

@DarkScribe‘s wife knows his user name or is watching him type these posts

DarkScribe's avatar

@jumpo7 DarkScribe‘s wife knows his user name or is watching him type these posts

She does, but I am sure that she isn’t. I would hear the laughter from here – it is only twenty kilometres.

jumpo7's avatar

for the record I kind of agree with DarkScribe, but on the other hand wouldn’t mind having me some Scarlett Johanssen or Michelle Yeoh or Ziyi Zhang if the wife didn’t mind

dalepetrie's avatar

@Blondesjon – read my previous post:

I don’t ever begrudge someone from posting his or her opinion if he or she for whatever reason feels the need to do so, even if it doesn’t meet my criteria. I just made it very clear for THIS QUESTION, what the point of this question is, and for the purposes of this question, an answer that does not meet the criteria set forth is simply put, irrelevant to this discussion. And so, while I personally would not interject my opinion when I knew from reading the question that the opinion I was about to interject was one which was listed within the question as being irrelevant to the discussion at hand, that’s each individual’s choice to do so anyway. It just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to do so in my mind, unless you’re looking for an argument. That is basically no better than your typical troll behavior if you ask me.

A troll is someone who interjects his opinion in a thread where that opinion is expressly not warranted….it’s the same as if someone said, “can you recommend a good abortion doctor in the Bay Area,” and someone else posted that abortion is wrong, an abomination, a sin. In this case, I said right in the text of my question,

“So, this question has some rules….even if the real answer is that you and your partner would NEVER agree to such a list, this is a hypothetical, so it assumes that you had the opportunity to make this list and you need to put at least one name down.”

This is my my question, and I put that in there for a reason, so that I wouldn’t get people who wanted to point out that they would NEVER do this. To go ahead and ignore a very specific request that I made in the text of the question in regards to the type of answers I seek, then to go on and state those who don’t agree with his opinion are faulty in some way (possibly even as bad as rapists) is troll behavior. That is the definition of troll behavior.

Blondesjon's avatar

@dalepetrie . . .Who cares? This is an open forum even if it didn’t meet your “thread rules”.

The last time I checked Ben and Andrew are the only two who can make actual “rules” pertaining to how threads are answered.

dalepetrie's avatar

@Blondesjon – like I said, it’s a free country. Again, read my post, which I’ve put down twice now, where I said “I don’t ever begrudge someone from posting his or her opinion.” But when a person asks a question, a posting that doesn’t answer the question asked should be ignored and not dwelled on. I asked a question, and I stated what my intention was for the question. In other words, I didn’t want a moral discussion…I stated what the moral issues surrounding the question were, and stated up front that this one particular answer…an answer which I said is a perfectly valid way to feel, and which I personally agree with, is simply not what I’m after. I never claimed to be the arbiter of what you can or can not say, I feel you are simply trying to make an issue out of this (you’re probably still pissed at me over the Palin/Letterman question) where there is none.

My point is, if I ask “what is two plus two” and you answer “Cleveland”, you’re not answering my question. And there’s no law saying you have to answer it, or if you do respond to it, you HAVE to put a post that is germane (oh wait, I think the terms of service do say something about off-topic posts…I guess if you want to make a federal case out of it, I COULD just report the posts I see as off-topic, flame-bait and trolling to Ben and Andrew…again though I’m not trying to stifle anyone’s right to expressing their opinion…I actually agree with @DarkScribe‘s assertion that I would not HAVE such a list).

My point is that even though I can’t enforce rules as to how it is acceptable to answer my question, I feel it is a reasonable request to say, “please do not post answer x, because even though I understand your point, it is not what I’m after….THIS is specifically what I am after.” I also feel that it is disrespectful for ANYONE to blatantly ignore a polite request. As for you, keep trying rto pick a fight if you want, I’m not biting.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@Tits While you might not agree with DarkScribe, I also think it was wrong of you to say that people who believe in monogamy are insecure. Some people do, some don’t. Those who don’t are free to do whatever both people in the relationship are comfortable with. Same with those who don’t. Saying monogamy is akin to insecurities is taking it a little far, I think.

Darwin's avatar

Cleveland? I would have said Cincinnati.

Aethelwine's avatar

@dalepetrie You may not be guilty of this, but on several occasions I have witnessed a new Fluther member ask a question and in the details they ask “serious responses only please”. It’s usually the “seasoned” members of fluther that will respond to the question with a joke of some sort. Very hypocritical, I must say. DarkScribe has every right to answer your question.

As for your comment to Blondesjon about being “pissed at you” over the Sarah Palin question that I asked. You think very highly of yourself, don’t you! Yes, my husband cries every night over your comments on that thread. I’ve tried everything to console him. Nightly blowjobs don’t even put a smile on his face. get over yourself

TaoSan's avatar

This is hilarious, Fluther is really going kindergarten…..Beeeeeeeeeeeendreeeeeeeeew!

and PS, the only guy making a really solid point is being boo’ed as party pooper. Y’all are getting called on a really infantile notion and now it’s waah waah waah.

So go ahead and tell you’re significant other all bets are off and soandso offers to fuck you. You’re all right tho, you probably wouldn’t act on it, but I’m sure decency would be the last reason why you wouldn’t lol.

Aethelwine's avatar

is too! :P

TaoSan's avatar

@filmfann

IS!!! IS!!! IS!!! I’m telling Bendrew…..

filmfann's avatar

@TaoSan You’re a booger eater for saying that.

Aethelwine's avatar

@TaoSan I know! Blondesjon would really be pissed, I mean really pissed that I would want sexual relations with Sheri Moon Zombie.~

dalepetrie's avatar

@jonsblond – I agree with you that @DarkScribe has the right to answer any question he damn well pleases, and I’ve never said he did not, which is what you and your husband both seem to be implying that I’m saying, which is fucking bullshit and you both goddamn well know it, or should know if you actually read what I was saying and didn’t just decide that I was trying to “shut someone up because I didn’t agree with him.” Because that is the accusation your husband made and it’s the one you’re now trying to defend by casting aspersions on my motives. I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but EVERYONE is entitled to his opinion, even if I don’t agree with it, and EVERYONE is entitled to express it in a public forum, even if it is not 100% germane to the topic. You two have really proven yourselves to be experts at tag teaming people who don’t agree with you…makes me ask WHO is trying to shut down dissent? That not withstanding, I do still however stand by my assertion that it is trolling behavior to answer a question that clearly and specifically WAS NOT ASKED.

As for thinking too highly of myself, that is yet another attempt to paint me into a corner where you fucking well know I don’t belong…this seems to me to be a perfect example of your lock step support of each other no matter how stupid a statement the other one makes…defend it to the death even if you’re wrong…that’s your MO. No I was not implying that your hubby was broken up over ANYTHING I’ve EVER said, he could give a fuck less what anyone but he or you thinks, that much is clear. What I’m saying is that he HAS been far less “cordial” to me in each of the few interactions we’ve had since that discussion than he had been in the past when we’d interacted. It hasn’t bothered me, but I’d be blind not to notice it. Furthermore, he was rather indignant in that aforementioned thread, ending it by challenging me to a game of Red Rover on the playground for fuck’s sake.

I could be wrong about the reasons he seems to be trying to pick a fight (or even the assumption that this is what he was doing), but it is his demonstrated behavior towards me in the past few days (including the glib answer to this question, for which I gave him a GA btw as fantasy people should be fair game in a fantasy question and he did name names, which was my MAIN criteria…which every one of my “rules” boiled down to), and not MY inflated sense of self worth which leads me to the conclusion I drew. Anyone who knows me here will tell you that even though I’m VERY opinionated, I’ll be the first to tell you that my opinions are my opinions and nothing more, and that the times something I’ve said has been demonstrated to be wrong, I have corrected myself and issued an apology…I don’t think anyone but you believes that I think I’m infallible, so as I see it, there’s no call that I can discern for him to try to pick this fight unless he harbors some ill will towards me, if even on a subconscious level, and the thread I mentioned is the only reason I can think he would. That’s not self importance, that’s LOGIC.

If I’m wrong about his motivations for basically calling me out as a thread Nazi, then please explain his answer (or let him do it for himself) as to why he pretty much tried to paint me as “thought police” when I have very clearly said, I don’t know how many fucking times now, EVERYONE is entitled to his opinion and EVERYONE is entitled to post it where they want. If that quip was not flame bait, I’m not really sure what is, and I fail to see any justification for it, but I haven’t flagged it, I’m actually trying to show you (though my experience in talking to the two of you makes me question my sanity for doing so as I know you seem to both be incapable of uttering the words, “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry”) why his accusation was completely unjustified given the things I’d said beforehand . In short, for him to ask me when troll became equated to stating one’s opinion was either a) blatant stupidity resulting in an inability to understand my previous statement that everyone is entitled to his opinion and entitled to post his opinion, b) a blatant disregard for the parts of my post which did not fit his prejudged notions of where I was probably coming from or c) a dick move designed to start a fight. I suspect it was b, which I think is the most reasonable and least insulting of the three reasons I can conceptualize for someone posting that question in response to what I said. And the only thing I can come up with as to why he would prejudge me as being someone who simply wants to shut down dissent is that he directly made that accusation in the thread which I referenced.

Again, my only point is, was, and will always be that if you answer a question with a statement that does not answer the question for the purposes of stating that your own morality is somehow superior to that of others, then you are a fucking troll. When your opinion has already been accepted and deemed irrelevant by the very phrasing of the question, yet you still feel the need to post it and pass judgment on people who answered the question in the way it was intended to be answered, then you are a fucking troll. The only logical conclusion I can draw by observing your behavior and that of your husband is that he was itching for a reason to scrap with me, and you will come to his defense no matter what. That’s my opinion. It is based on what I’ve observed. If I’m wrong, please tell me where I’m wrong, and I will offer up my apologies in advance for any wrong assumptions I have made. But please don’t fucking pretend to be so ignorant about the point I was trying to make. If you think my logic is flawed, please point out where you think I’m making the mistake in my thinking. If you think I don’t understand what a troll is, then please provide YOUR definition. But please don’t come to my thread and accuse me of doing shit I didn’t do and would NEVER do, that deeply offends me. The very reason I’m so fucking wordy is that I REFUSE, outright fucking REFUSE to be misunderstood.

At this point, I IMPLORE each and every one of you, to get back to the original intention of this question…this is all I’ve ever wanted, I don’t think asking for serious answers which address the question within the very specific parameters I have clearly laid forth is asking too fucking much. If anyone here has a problem with me, please PM me, because I have NO problem telling it like it is, this just isn’t the forum, but I will continue to defend myself if my words are taken out of context…it’s just who I am.

Thank you and good night.

Aethelwine's avatar

DarkScribe is not a troll. That’s all I have to say.

lighten up dude. It’s just the internets

dalepetrie's avatar

OK, I’ll lighten up, and I’ll admit DS is not a troll, but for the purposes of this post he DID, by my definition engage in troll behavior. Peace out.

Aethelwine's avatar

Good night! :)

TitsMcGhee's avatar

Now I just want to know who’s on @DarkScribe‘s wife’s list.

@DrasticDreamer: I was trying to be just as over-the-top as I felt was being dished to me.

TaoSan's avatar

@dalepetrie

I still lurve you :D

Oh, and to not entirely poop the party, Kirsten Bell in a Princess Leia outfit could certainly shake my core beliefs :)

@filmfann

you’re sooooo in for an atomic wedgy!!!!

Aethelwine's avatar

Ok. I’d do Jack LaLanne.

The man has stamina!

cookieman's avatar

Hey, my wife just chimed in and asked I add @DarkScribe to her list.

oy vey

LexWordsmith's avatar

Amazing how long this thread has interested people.

dalepetrie's avatar

@LexWordsmith – it’s only been on 2 days…it just SEEMS like a long time!

Girl_Powered's avatar

I looked at this when it first came out decided to skip it. As it is still going and has reached an unusual length, arousing my curiosity, I read through it.

It is eye opening to see the insensitivity displayed by some men. A list like this, even if only pretend is insulting to your wife or girlfriend. If you want to describe a movie star as sexy, sure that is ok, but to make a list of those that you would prefer to have with instead of your partner, is degrading. If I had a BF who made such a list it would tell me that he didn’t regard me as the best thing in his life, just the best he could find until now. It would make it crystal clear that I was second best. I do not want to be anyone’s second best, and if I was beginning to lose my youth, as many women are, putting on some weight, gaining a few lines on my face, it would be demoralizing.

There is nothing harmless of playful about this concept. I would leave any man once he made it clear that he thought that he could do better. I have too much to offer to be anyone’s second choice.

Bri_L's avatar

@Girl_Powered – and to the women who answered?

Girl_Powered's avatar

@Bri_L “and to the women who answered?”

I can’t speak from a man’s perspective, but I imagine most would feel the same about being regarded as second best.

rooeytoo's avatar

I am frequently accused of being overly sensitive about the male/female thing and mens sexist behavior and I agree I am hyper vigilant on the subject. Probably because I have fought it all my life, fought for plain old equality actually.

Anyhow, I viewed this as a innocent little exercise in who I find pretty. And it was directed at both men and women, with all sorts of qualifications to keep it innocent.

I thought about the men I have seen but never met and would have liked to (have met) and answered accordingly. To me I really wasn’t thinking in terms of hopping into bed with them, they were simply men I found to be intriguing and sexy. If I would have met under the right circumstances, who knows what would have happened.

I too am surprised at the venom it has raised and the irate responses and most especially at the numbers who found it to be disrespectful of partners. I have never discussed it with my partner but I am sure he would have a list as well. I think that is life, I don’t plan on leaving him to search for Dan or Tommy and I am not aware of any plans on his part, and it is not a subject I would bring up for dinner conversation. But I truly don’t think it has anything to do with the security of my relationship or my respect for my partner.

Just my opinion!

casheroo's avatar

@Girl_Powered Are you serious?

Okay to people who answered…did you actually sit down an make a physical list? Because with my husband, we were joking around, and just mentioning it when we see an attractive celebrity. Nothing serious.
I don’t find it degrading, because it’s not literal. It’s just a joke. I know my husband finds me to be the most attractive woman, he wouldn’t have married me otherwise.

Blondesjon's avatar

I made my list and I stand by it.

filmfann's avatar

Okay, now I am adding casheroo to my list.

Bri_L's avatar

@Girl_Powered – Ok, so you suspect men would feel the same, like DarkScribe. I suspect some women would to. I also suspect a very large number of both wouldn’t.

I am cool with my participation.

Blondesjon's avatar

@Bri_L , , ,i am cool with your participation as well. we have been far too long without it.

Bri_L's avatar

@Blondesjon – thanks. I needed to step away. But, fluthers like you and yours and others make it nice to be back.

dalepetrie's avatar

As I see it, @Girl_Powered = another troll, or if she is not a troll, she is engaging in troll like behavior for the purposes of this thread, and thus is to be ignored. We’ve been down this road, please let’s not go down it again…if someone chooses to interject an answer which does not answer the question, they have rendered themselves irrelevant.

Blondesjon's avatar

@dalepetrie . . .Are we seeing the emergence of “Petrieism”, the new form of McCarthyism, where anyone not in agreement is labeled a troll instead of a communist?

filmfann's avatar

Anarchist!

Girl_Powered's avatar

@dalepetrie “Girl_Powered = another troll, or if she is not a troll, she is engaging in troll like behavior ”

I read through a very long thread, have a reaction to much of the content, a strong reaction, respond with my viewpoint and I get labeled a troll?

And please don’t pair me off with Darkscribe, I am far from him in many aspects. He is a very vocal atheist. I am not. In this case his view might coincide with mine, but there are other posts in this thread that are also not supportive of the concept of a ‘just for fun’ list that can potentially demean a person’s partner. If you really feel that your partner doesn’t mind being relegated to an inferior position in your list, then I wonder about how sincere both of you are.

If I was casually dating, just dating a friend, then such a list might be fun, but not in what is supposed to be a committed relationship. How will your partner feel in a few years when she starts to fade and recalls that your affections are based on appearance not loyalty and love? Will she feel secure then?

casheroo's avatar

@filmfann You get lurve for that. ;)

Bri_L's avatar

@Girl_Powered – so in your mind, if you make a list of people other than your spouse your attracted to, it means you have based your affections on appearance? I am sorry, but I sincerely don’t follow you here. It truly seems as if there are some deep seated confidence issues that go well outside the bounds of looks if your relationship can be toppled by a list such as this. I think it speaks far worse of your commitment if you indeed CAN’T make the list.

MacBean's avatar

There are some seriously insecure people here, apparently…

Girl_Powered's avatar

@Bri_L “It truly seems as if there are some deep seated confidence issues that go well outside the bounds of looks if your relationship can be toppled by a list such as this”

It would not be toppled by a list, it would be toppled by the discovery that the person I was with was trivial, immature, and insincere.

You seem to be trying to have your cake and eat it. Those who argue for this list say that it is not serious, it is just based on who is sexually appealing to them. How does that mean anything other than they would be prepared to at least momentarily transfer their affections to someone based on nothing other than that person’s appearance? For simple sexual gratification.

Affection does not mean love, it means liking. Are you confusing affection with love?

If someone is prepared to engage is a sexual act, one of the most intimate things between a man and a woman, purely for momentary gratification, gratification that appeals because the person involved is more attractive to you than your partner, how do you expect your partner to feel? Honestly?

What it comes down to is that you are prepared to risk hurting your partner for what you claim is no big deal. Just sex. If it really is no big deal, why do it? Why not remain loyal to your partner?

tinyfaery's avatar

Man, if I met Dave Matthews and we had a spark, and we wanted to jump each others bones, I would be all over that, and my wife would be ok with it. Just like I would never stop her from doing anything she really wanted to do.

I wasn’t joking with my list. Given a chance and a true desire, not just a fantasy, I’d be intimate with every one on my list.

People can quote god or some sort of moral superiority, but I do not care.

I do not own my wife. Her
emotions and desires are not mine to stifle. If she truly wants something/someone I would never begrudge her. To me, this is love, love of another, without placing one’s own feelings over those of one’s beloved.

dalepetrie's avatar

@Blondesjon – I’ve already addressed your tired bullshit too many times. I’ve made it more than abundantly clear that in my opinion, everyone is free to say what they want where they want, but let me, for the benefit of reality impaired individuals such as yourself, give you a definition from wikipedia.

Troll – a troll is someone who posts controversial, inflammatory, irrelevant, or off-topic messages in an online community.

Both @Girl_Powered and @DarkScribe posted irrelevant and off topic messages in an on-line community. Why are they off-topic and/or irrelevant? Because I stated that the very points they posted are off-topic and irrelevant in the CONSTRUCTION of my question. Two seconds spent reading my actual question would make anyone understand that unless they were being willfully ignorant.

End of fucking discussion in my opinion. This means, I can’t (and haven’t and won’t) tell you not to post something if you really want to post it (a far fucking cry from McCarthyism, and you fucking well know it), but if I have defined it in MY question as off-topic and irrelevant, and you still insist on posting it, you are behaving like a troll. That is THE definition of a troll, not my rules, it’s a fucking fact, check it out.

That clear enough for you or do you want to hurl other insults you goddamn well know are off base? I sincerly hope you are not as fucking retarded as you are coming off, and are just being an asshole for some other reason, though I won’t guess at the reasons lest you have your wife accuse me of being self-important again.

Back to the discussion at hand, and please ignore all irrelevant posts if you want to continue participating in this thread. If your intent isn’t to play by the rules as set forth, I will respectfully request that you play somewhere else…I can’t force you to do so, I’m just asking if it wouldn’t be too much trouble…I’m only looking for sincere responses to a very specific sincerely posed question, and if you can’t do that, then I don’t understand why you’re even bothering coming here…I just don’t get it. I wouldn’t do that myself, it’s not fun for me to pick fights and chastise people and willfully ignore requests they’ve sincerely and politely made to me. That’s asshole behavior, and I’m just not an asshole, I have no desire to be an asshole, and I don’t want people to think of me as an asshole. I’m not trying to tell anyone what they can and can’t do, I’m just basically asking a question, making it very specific what format of answers I want and don’t want, and hoping people will respect my request. I can’t put it any more clearly than that, and I fail to understand the mentality of someone who would not just say, “OK man, not a problem, see you on another thread.” It seems to be common human decency, but I guess whatever floats your boat.

@Girl_Powered – as for you, as I’ve said, this is a hypothetical list. As I said, I didn’t even have one when I posted the question. FWIW, neither my wife nor I would actually consider such a list to be carte blanche to cheat, we would consider it a game based on an unrealistic hypothetical. Others on here have said they have such lists and would act on it, have the support of their spouses and support their spouses on THEIR lists. If the people posting their lists have no qualms about having such a list, for WHATEVER reason, then how is it any of your business to tell them they are behaving inappropriately?

Now, if this discussion were constructed in a manner in which it were ABOUT morality, then yes, your comments would not be troll-like, but I laid it out in terms a retarded chimp could understand in my question, because I’m not interested in the morality side of it for the purposes of THIS question, if I want to know that, I will ask that fucking question. Since your answer is CLEARLY not an answer to the question I asked, how is your posting it in any way relevant or related to the topic of the question I DID ask? If it is not, then how is your behavior not troll-like behavior? And how is that any comparison between who you are and who @DarkScribe is…it simply points out that you both trolled this question, there is no room for interpretation here, I specified that the answer you gave, though a PERFECTLY FINE and respectable answer, was NOT an answer to THIS question. So WHY, WHY, WHY do you need to post that answer? How can you say you’re not being a troll by doing so? There is NO question here. Doesn’t mean you didn’t have the RIGHT to post it. Doesn’t mean you’ve broken any LAWS. Doesn’t mean I disagree with you or am not fine with the fact that you feel the way you do. It DOES however mean that for THIS QUESTION and ONLY this question, you engaged in troll-like behavior. No punishment is to be dolled out, I’m not the supreme ruler telling you that you’ve done something impermissible. I’m simply pointing out to those who have engaged you that your answer was irrelevant and off-topic. Just stating a fact, PERIOD.

I have no beef with you, I have no problem with that being your opinion and I don’t wholly disagree with it. But this is NOT the forum for THAT answer, and if you’d read the question, you’d KNOW that. That’s ALL I’m saying.

Is it REALLY too much for me to ask that people answer the question I asked? Really? I mean, c’mon, REALLY? That’s TOO much for me to expect?

Look, far as I’m concerned, y’all do whatever the fuck you want, here or anywhere…it’s a free country and a free forum. I however am going to continue to ignore the responses of people who do not actually answer the question I asked. I am also going to AGAIN ask anyone who really wants to participate in this board to do the same and DNFTT, meaning next person who comes in here saying that the premise of the question is faulty, just don’t engage them, carry on as if they weren’t even here…and feel free if it’s too much for you to take, to flag the posts as off-topic, that’s what that button is there for. I will however give, as always, a gentle reminder to those who post an off-topic, irrelevant response, that their answer, though perfectly fine, is not an answer to THIS question, and furthermore I will ALWAYS address direct attacks by shitbags who are just out to stir up trouble. I will also NOT give a GA to any response which does not answer the question, period. And if that doesn’t work, I will start reporting the off-topic responses as off topic and the attacks and attempts to paint me as thought police as flame bait (I’m talkin’ to you Mr. & Mrs. Zombie). I however would MUCH prefer this to remain a conversation about the topic I laid forth. If I’m being unreasonable in any way about my expectations or actions, I welcome your feedback via PM.

Response moderated
filmfann's avatar

@Girl_Powered Please don’t give him an excuse for another 3 screen rant!

Response moderated
jlm11f's avatar

[mod says:] With such well educated and eloquent people in this thread, I see no reason for personal attacks at all. Please keep the flame off. Flag any quips that you find offensive.

cookieman's avatar

can I add @PnL to my list?

dalepetrie's avatar

I agree @PnL, because personal attacks would be puerile.

Blondesjon's avatar

@dalepetrie . . .I sincerly hope you are not as fucking retarded as you are coming off, and are just being an asshole

Your words, not mine. Purile indeed.

dalepetrie's avatar

@Blondesjon – touche. I have taken this off line in response to PMs your wife has sent me, if she won’t share it with you, let me know and I’ll cut and paste the conversation in a PM to you. I sincerely hope you take my words there to heart.

Aethelwine's avatar

@dalepetrie No need. I share everything with my husband. No secrets here.

dalepetrie's avatar

@jonsblond and @Blondesjon – I figured there were no secrets, but I thought I’d offer that up anyway just in case. I sincerely hope you understand what I’m trying to impart to you, but if you don’t, I at least hope we can put this all behind us. I assure you that I harbor no permanent ill will even if we all come away with divergent points of view and each of us believes we are 100% correct. I’m sincere in my call for a truce, so whatddaya say?

Aethelwine's avatar

@dalepetrie I just sent you a pm my friend.

dalepetrie's avatar

@jonsblond – got it and responded. Thanks for taking the time to try to understand, I fully appreciate your efforts.

Girl_Powered's avatar

That’s nice. Nice to see that you can be nice to at least some people who disagree with you.

I raised this question with several work colleagues, male and female and found that only those who were not in a committed relationship could relate to it. Much as I expected, with the exception of two gay people. They seemed to have already worked on a very long list. That I didn’t expect.

tinyfaery's avatar

What do you mean by “as I expected”?

Bri_L's avatar

“Several work colleagues” constitutes a small sample that is equivalent to the significant others of those who have already happily participated on the thread and stated their spouses found it non-threatening.

The demographic of this question should have been made clear enough, as are all questions on Fluther.

When you read it, if you want to participate do.

If not and you want to say why fine, do so without denouncing those that do.

Or just don’t.

casheroo's avatar

Obviously the gays have less morals. ~

Blondesjon's avatar

@Bri_L . . .You have an excellent point. It just needs to be observed from both sides. :)

Bri_L's avatar

@Blondesjon – There you go. I need to remember that and not get drawn in.

Blondesjon's avatar

@Bri_L . . .the only thing you need to do is get that lemur a crown…

Bri_L's avatar

@Blondesjon – Hehe. I better move it move it. d’you see how I said what i was going to do with a quote from the movie? Laugh because I am king lemur.

dalepetrie's avatar

@Girl_Powered – if you took two seconds to get to know me, instead of just hurling out vile, uncalled for, mean and nasty accusations disparaging my intelligence and respect for women, I don’t think you’d be all that surprised to find that I’m generally quite friendly to everyone. I am certainly firm in my convictions, and if I disagree with you, I will strive to break it down. I understand the emotional slap that comes with the use of the word troll which is what I suspect set you off (though in 18 years on the internet, I’ve NEVER encountered anyone who came as unhinged as you did last night over ANYTHING I’ve said), but I don’t apologize for that, as I don’t say it to be mean. It is my assertion that if a thread is jacked, and the person who created the thread puts a great deal of time and effort into getting it back on track, then an outside party comes in and interjects the same line of post that caused the thread to get jacked in the first place, that is trolling. I don’t say you do it all the time, and I don’t even say you did it intentionally here, but my point was, it was off topic, and it was, I stand by that. This gave you no right to say the things you said to me.

Trust me, I didn’t get the amount of lurve I have here by being a prick to everyone, OK. I am a VERY nice guy, I have loads of respect for women, and I have no qualms about my level of intelligence.

As for your experience, that’s fine….the collective however has plenty of attached people who do relate to this question, and none of us really likes to be told “how we are”. You came off then as you do now as rather judgmental…I respect your right to think the way you do, never said I didn’t, I don’t feel you reciprocate. However, that’s fine, you’re entitled to your opinion, but for the record, here is how I view “the list”.

I am happily married, I’ve been with the same woman for 15 years. I NEVER in my life have had sex simply because I liked the way someone looked, it is deeper than that to me. My wife and I will both say from time to time…oh he/she would be on MY list, but neither of us has an actual formalized list, nor would we have one. And for the sake of people we’ve mentioned, we view them as simply fantasy, almost like fantasy baseball, neither of us will ever meet anyone on our list, if we somehow did, no one on either of our lists would be interested in getting it on with either of us, and if the world turned on it’s head somehow and one of us DID meet someone on our “list” and DID have the opportunity to sleep with them, neither of us would.

Bottom line is, to cast aspersions on the my attitude towards women, sex and relationships was WAY, off base, and belies the fact that you simply don’t get the premise of this question.

And I say none of this to be mean, it’s just how I see it. I am angry at you about nothing other than the hateful, hurtful things you said which lacked basis in your removed post, and I can get beyond that, but I submit that you need to get a grip, and maybe look in the mirror if you think there is a problem in how I treated you, because trust me, I don’t have problems with anyone else seeing the difference between me debating a person and “coming after them”.

That is all I have to say.

Aethelwine's avatar

@dalepetrie Who is on your list? I’m too lazy at the moment to read the entire thread again to see if you mentioned this. Just curious. I stand by my previous answers of Mrs. Zombie and Mr. LaLanne. ;) What a threesome that would be.

MacBean's avatar

@Girl_Powered: Where do you work? Because my small personal sampling of people outside of Fluther is almost totally devoid of people who find freebie lists threatening or offensive or anything other than good fun. There’s one girl who’s prude to the extreme, and a couple of people who are conservatives and/or very religious. Other than that, almost everyone had a list and the ones who didn’t when I asked said they’re going to make one now. Also note that all five of the married couples I asked have freebie lists, and know who is on each other’s.

dalepetrie's avatar

@jonsblond – my list. Well, I posted this list early on:

Isla Fisher, Mila Kunis, Shakira, Rose McGowan and Christina Ricci

However I qualified it by saying I don’t have a permanent list and a lot of it is on a whim. I guess if I wanted to keep to five, today I might replace Isla Fisher with Jeanine Garafolo and Rose McGowan with Brett Anderson (aka Donna A from the Donnas). Ask me again and who the hell knows might be on my list…I’m a bit schizo in that way.

dalepetrie's avatar

Yes I have to admit I was glad I had another 3 hours before I had to stand up after seeing THAT scene in the theater.

Aethelwine's avatar

@dalepetrie You don’t replace Rose. And Jeanine. wtf!?! She’s too uptight!

dalepetrie's avatar

@jonsblond – OK, accepted, but like I said, depends on the mood. I might at times be afraid Rose’d be a bit too much for me, and I’m kinda scared to plough the same field as Marilyn Manson. As for Jeanine, yes, uptight, but I suspect it would be interesting. After all, the one thing my sexual history lacks is variety, so I suppose that’s what I dream of more than anything.

MacBean's avatar

You know who else would be on my list? Mel Brooks. Yesterday was his 83rd birthday, and he’s fugly, but I’d still do him in a heartbeat.

jamielynn2328's avatar

okay, my husband and I do this all the time, and our answers always change:

Men:
Christian Bale
Johnny Depp
Michael C. Hall
Javier Bardem
Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Women
Salma Hayek
Britney Spears
Natalie Portman
Scarlet Johansson
Jennifer Garner

dalepetrie's avatar

@jamielynn2328 – I never in a million years would have expected to see Natalie Portman AND Britney Spears on the same freebie list. Fair enough!

LexWordsmith's avatar

“fugly”—i like that! Yesterday i heard “chillaxed” (for chilled out and relaxed, although perhaps, in another context, i suppose, it might possibly mean “victim of an axe murderer”<grin>).

dalepetrie's avatar

@LexWordsmith – check this site out.

filmfann's avatar

@dalepetrie That site is pretty rude. Lots of those are not unattractive people, just not attractive.

dalepetrie's avatar

@filmfann – yes, but the select few who really are incredibly fugly make it all worth it.

MrBr00ks's avatar

Nicole Kidman, Ashley Judd, Megan Fox, Jennifer Garner, Angelina Jolie, Elle MacPherson, Natalie Portman

LexWordsmith's avatar

If i had a “fugly” list, Meryl Streep would definitely make it. Her viability for selection as the best actress of her generation is cemented by how homely she truly is—she’s sure not getting by on her looks! and the “un-star” name is the cherry on top of the sundae.

Vunessuh's avatar

I’m single, but I would choose, Josh Brolin, and I guess his girlfriend too – Diane Lane. We could have a threesome.
A lot of people said Monica Bellucci and while I find her delish, I like Julie Dreyfus a bit better. No, not the chick from Seinfeld.
Also, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, James Denton and Vera Farmiga.

FutureMemory's avatar

I think I would have to add Vunessuh and escapedone7 to my list. Maybe Arisztid too.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Howie Long.
Robert Shaw for slow days ;)

Vunessuh's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille I’m sure lunchbox head wouldn’t mind sleeping with you too. You’ll have to share Shaw though. With me!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Vunessuh -LBH :)
I knew you’d go for Robert Shaw!

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther