Social Question

Quagmire's avatar

Is a sexual "bad fit" a dealbreaker in your relationships?

Asked by Quagmire (2088points) July 30th, 2009

I was reading a question recently posted on Fluther about “preferred” penis lengths and it made me wonder about this: for those that have a “preferred size”, is not having the “preferred size” a deal breaker? Say you liked everything else about the person a lot, “sex day” comes, and you find (ex.,) the woman is too small for the man, or the man is too small for the woman, or maybe the man has erectile dysfunction, or the woman…etc. Would you give up the relationship? Would there be no chance for a lifetime commitment? I’m looking for male and female responses.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

26 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

A sexual bad fit isn’t – if they are unwilling to work on it, then it is

barumonkey's avatar

A three-point rule of thumb I heard a long time ago:

Someone you’re going to spend the rest of your life with should be someone you like to talk with, eat with, and sleep with, because that’s what almost all of your time with them will consist of.

dpworkin's avatar

I’m not sure there is such a thing as a permanent sexual bad fit. Two people who love one another and who communicate freely can adjust to sexual mismatches and make them irrelevant.

casheroo's avatar

It’s not a preferred size, but of course I have to be sexually compatible with a man before I commit long term to him.
I didn’t say yes to marrying my husband until I knew I could orgasm from sex with him. I’m not kidding. note: It took two months of sexing and I still remember that day lol I wouldn’t give up the relationship, but I would not marry the person. I guess I wouldn’t feel it was right.
Sexual compatibility is not insignificant, but you need to be compatible with the person in many aspects if you are going to be together for years and years.

Quagmire's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir , with the scenarios I tried to describe, there would be no way to “work on it”. I’m not saying the problem is with technique. Say the man was too big for the woman?

Quagmire's avatar

@casheroo, why did you assume there was “light at the end of the two month tunnel”?

dpworkin's avatar

Imaginative people have found that vaginal intercourse is but one of many ways to make love.

Quagmire's avatar

Exactly. And for THOSE people, a “misfit” doesn’t matter. But is that the case with all? Most?

casheroo's avatar

@Quagmire Two months is really not that long of having sex with someone…that’s just 8 weeks. Sex was still enjoyable, I just hadn’t had a full blown orgasm. It’s very psychological for me, from what I’ve learned about myself.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

If it’s really a physical thing, like a too big of a penis for a woman, that may be a major problem. But there are devises that can be used to stretch that area for her. I think that should be worth trying before the relationship was abandoned. A too small penis? That’s a whole other area of things. But if you really want to save the relationship, I’d try everything possible first. Sex isn’t the all encompassing issue, but it’s right up there on the list.

dpworkin's avatar

I’m willing to bet that if there is such a thing as a penis that’s too small, the man who has it is also possessed of a tongue. Just sayin’. And a vagina can accomodate an object the size of a baby. Find me a larger penis than that.

Quagmire's avatar

In the question I cited above, women DID talk about penises that were too large.

prude's avatar

it wouldn’t be a deal breaker if the guy would be willing to do other things to me, use other things on me.
If he had hangups about that, then I guess it would.

Quagmire's avatar

Yes. Let’s say the SO is willing to do what it takes. It’s the missionary position that’s the problem.

prude's avatar

@pdworkin just because a vagina can stretch to a point to pass another human being through her body, does not mean that there are not limits to any one womans vagina (after all, sometimes a dr. has to cut her or sometimes she RIPS)
all women’s vaginas were not meant for all men’s penises and all men’s penis sizes.

Quagmire's avatar

@casheroo , knowing what you do about your husband after living with him all these years, had you broken up because of your orgasm, would you have regrets NOW that you broke up with an otherwise great guy for the reason you did? Looking back, would you not have been willing to keep him even WITH the sex issue had you known the man he is?

evelyns_pet_zebra's avatar

@pdworkin Awesome answer! Too much focus is made on Tab A into Slot B, when the road towards sexual satisfaction is more than a two-lane street. The imaginative people know where the best sides roads and scenic routes are. =)

The entire body is covered with nerve endings, and to focus soley on the penis/vagina combination is puerile.

seekingwolf's avatar

I think a sexual “bad fit” could be a dealbreaker if it was a chemistry issue. In order for people to have fully satisfying sex lives, there needs to be mutual attraction and chemistry. If you don’t have that, there’s not too much you can do.

However, other insecurity, size, sexual performance issues can be dealt with medication and/or psychological therapy for the self esteem and acceptance issues.

Quagmire's avatar

@seekingwolf , I’m not so sure that’s the case with size. And again, I’m referencing a past question where women said they DID have a preferred size.

I’d link it except what I just said is all you really need to know.

casheroo's avatar

@pdworkin The woman’s cervix is designed to dilate when giving birth. That does not mean it is comfortable or painless, as having a large penis inside the vagina can be quite uncomfortable and painful.

@Quagmire Wait, so you’re asking me a couple different things. The sex with him was never bad, just because a woman doesn’t orgasm doesn’t mean the sex is bad. I have dated men where the sex was horrendous, and I couldn’t even fathom starting a commited relationship to someone like that.
I feel like you are trapping me into something. Let’s say something happens to my husband, and he is disabled and we no longer have sex…I would still stay with him and love him. I did not marry him for sex. But, we have the chemistry which is important to me.
To me, this question is basically trying to make women feel bad about wanting good sex. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be satisfied. Yes, you can please a woman in other ways than with a penis (obviously) but sex is important in a relationship for me. If a guys penis is too small, after having sex multiple times I would know we weren’t sexually compatible. End of story.

seekingwolf's avatar


Yeah, you are right. However, in some cases, size is an issue in the sense that it makes the guy sexually anxious and then he has performance issues, when really, the woman thinks he’s just fine. People like that just need a little therapy and reassurance.

But yes, you’re right…sometimes too small really is too small and there’s a not a lot that can be done.

Quagmire's avatar

@casheroo , actually, my question to you was based upon what you, yourself said, i.e., “didn’t say yes to marrying my husband until I knew I could orgasm from sex with him. I’m not kidding. note: It took two months of sexing and I still remember that day lol I wouldn’t give up the relationship, but I would not marry the person.

I took that to mean that if you didn’t have an orgasm with intercourse with him you would not have married him.

Sorry if I misunderstood. Just the same, no need to get bent out of shape?

CMaz's avatar

Always. To get them up to the speed I am comfortable with would take too long. Most likely I would, in the end, have to adjust to what they will not do.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Quagmire I would find a way – that’s not a reason to break it off – many wish their man was too big for them

Quagmire's avatar

Yeah. I’m thinkin’ it would NOT be a dealbreaker in and of itself for most. It’s just a preference. Similarly, although some men say they prefer a woman with large breasts, if they meet and like a woman who is “flat chested”, it would not be a deal breaker most of the time.

I think that was missing and IS missing whenever people talk about “size”, i.e., if you like the person a lot, although it’s a preference, it’s not a deal breaker.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Yes, I once stopped seeing a man because he was too big for us to have sex and trust me, we attempted with earnest.

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther