NSFW - How important is sex to you in a relationship?

Once or twice every couple of weeks? That’s the stuff of nightmares. Nightly – how else can you get to sleep?

(Mornings too if you wake before the alarm.)

damn, darkscribe beat me to it

I think sex is very important in a marriage. Having sex at least 5 days out of the week (quickies count) is good for your overall well-being and your marriage.

Maybe every other week or so…

How, with such busy schedules, hectic routines, etc.? Or are those just excuses? Maybe a combination of both?

When you are young, it’s important, both as a sign of commitment to each other, and physical need. As you get older, and those urges fade, not so much.

Dude, no-frills sex takes like, seven minutes. Surely you can squeeze seven minutes out of your day. Given a choice between seven minutes of awesome sleep and seven minutes of mediocre sex, I’ll take sex.

Your problem is not lack of time. What else is going on?

@nikipedia I agree. People who say they don’t have time are just trying to make excuses.

I think your sex life can be a barometer of the relationship. If you can’t find time for sex, you’re probably neglecting each other in other ways because of your hectic schedules. When was the last time you did something romantic/ considerate for each other? How often do you affectionately touch each other during the day?

@DarkScribe Nightly? Are you nibbling pills?

@O Nightly? Are you nibbling pills?

No need – I have a very sexy wife. There is no way that you get into bed with a woman like her and need a pill.

Used to be Numero Uno.

Now I’d settle for a snuggle.

@eonblue, a good question to ask might be do you feel connected with your partner in an intimate way? Do you want to have sex more often? My ex and I had sex approximately once per quarter – during a good year. I never felt really connected to him and that lack of intimacy really took it’s toll and is probably what ultimately led to the demise of my marriage. Another question might be whether you feel sexually attracted to one another.

I have been with my current lover for almost two years and we have yet to have intercourse, however we have sexual encounters pretty much every time we see each other and our relationship is already stronger than my marriage of 21 years ever was.

Two more things to keep in mind. First, sex begets sex – the more you have it, the more you want it. So it might mean putting forth the extra effort for a couple of weeks in order to reconnect in the bedroom, but it will become a comfortable and wonderful habit soon enough. Second, I believe that research shows that the average committed couple has sex a couple of times a week, not several times a day.

It’s definitely important to me, and I’ve talked to others and not having sex has an impact on their relationship. It’s not the number one thing on my mind, and frankly…recently I have gone quite a while without, but I’ve got crazy hormones going so there’s a reason..it’s not like this normally, which my husband knows so I think it makes it easier for him to deal with lol
I do think life can get in the way sometimes…but you should always have some private time with your significant other. I mean, I don’t see my husband often but we still get to sleep in the same bed every night…plus there’s other ways to be intimate.

To me, it’s important. And I’d let my partner know how much.

A couple could have mismatched sex drives, or something is otherwise happening with one person or the other. It’s even more important to talk and get everything out in the open in a solutions-oriented way.

It’s very important in my relationship, we try to have sex daily
however, this is not at all what every relationship should have
people can have sex every couple of weeks but it can be quality sex
and if either of them feel that nothing is missing and are open about it, then it doesn’t matter how many times they have it

All sorts of things can play a role. Yes, the desire to impress naturally fades a bit with comfort and time and the daily grind and stress and age and fatigue and a bunch of other things. Relationships don’t stay breathlessly exciting and new forever, outside of fairy tales.

But it should only fade just so far. If it’s faded to the point where you’re only together once every couple of weeks, that’s pretty faded.

So I hate to “answer” a question with a question, but…

Is it only once every couple of weeks because you (one or both of you) don’t want it more often? Or because you feel like circumstances conspire to make it more difficult to find the time and mood more often?

If the latter, you may be able to juggle circumstances around to improve the situation. If the former, you may have trickier relationship issues to address…

It was 3 to 5 times a week for the longest time. Now it is more like once every couple weeks. Between the different work shifts, the Prozac, her after work schedule, and some pressing family issues, it just doesn’t happen as much any more.

We’ve been married twenty years, sex is important when you are young, but when you are almost fifty, a good cuddle and a nice massage is plenty. Touching each other, even in a non-sexual manner, is important.

@evelyns_pet_zebra sex is important when you are young, but when you are almost fifty, a good cuddle and a nice massage is plenty.

I have just turned fifty-six (my wife is considerably younger.) Sex is just as important as when I was twenty-six. Kissing and cuddling leads to sex, and I can’t imagine not kissing and cuddling with someone who you love.

Maybe it is a fitness thing – I know that I am fitter than many people my age as is my wife for her age.

@DarkScribe my wife is considerably younger… I am fitter than many people my age

Oh hell yeah baby go for it! I’d have tons of sex if I was in your shoes… but I’d even settle for a hug right now… sometimes, my questions about sex dolls are the closest I get to actual sex.

@evelyns_pet_zebra You’re on the Green and Whites? How is that working for you?

@DarkScribe Yes, yes… you’re an unstoppable sex machine, the likes of which are seldom seen outside the annals of myth and legend. We get it. ;-)

@derekfnord you’re an unstoppable sex machine, the likes of which are seldom seen outside the annals of myth and legend. We get it. ;-)

Do you? Why do you find it unusual enough for sarcasm that a guy with a loving and attractive wife responds to her.

@DarkScribe He’s jealous mon. Go… have tons of sex – best revenge!

@DarkScribe Hey, I am jealous too, old timer. Good for you.

@DarkScribe Well, mostly I was just teasing… it was said with a smile (and sure, maybe a touch of jealousy). ;) But yes, I do get it. Why so defensive? If you’re having sex once (or more) a day practically every day with a much younger hottie wife, then you are an unstoppable sex machine, the likes which are seldom seen outside the annals of myth and legend! Rock on! It’s not sarcasm if I’m telling the truth, is it? ;-)

@derekfnord _Well, mostly I was just teasing… _

Fair enough. I don’t have a say in it – she’s irresistible.

@DarkScribe You da man

@Zen DarkScribe You da man

It is more like “she’s the woman…” :) All I did was get lucky.

All joking aside, if you are cuddled up in bed with a beautiful naked woman – how can you NOT respond? I regard sex as an integral part of being in love.

@derekfnord I suppose it could be due to our (my) busy schedules and mixmatched sleeping/work schedules. Also my school work versus us about to move, which has been a pretty big stresser in our lives. Hopefully it will work itself out.

Thanks for the advice all. I have some reflection to do, apparently. I can mostly agree with all of you.

@SuperMouse Yes a lack of intimacy is certainly taking its toll. I just don’t know how to address these kinds of issues without getting bent out of shape or upsetting my SO. I think a lot of it can be attributed to a lack of social interaction with others and perhaps rarely leaving our house…. it is sort of dismal and I think it’s only natural to want more social interaction otherwise the whole “Used to ” each other thing kicks into high gear. I think it will all be okay once we move and are out of our very cluttered, small, messy apartment, where it is difficult to have any space to breathe!

For me, sex has always been an extremely important part of my relationships. In most of my past relationships the sex was great and regular, however I did have a relationship which was really lacking in that department and it suffered because. The issue was a medical condition that made sex difficult for her, but since I was deeply in love with this person, I was able to accept that it wasn’t going to happen very often and try to get past this. It was very hard for me, both literally and figuratively, and it definitely made me evaluate exactly how much I loved this person and what was really important to me in a relationship.

That relationship only lasted three years, and when I think back I’m don’t know what the long term effects this all might have had. If I was in a long term committed relationship which was otherwise very good and healthy, I think I’d be fine. If there were other issues as well, I don’t think I’d be alright with that lacking sex life.

Good luck, and welcome to Fluther!

It’s not that important. But we do it anyway. For the party.

Lack of intimacy takes its toll, but lonely sex, without feeling loved, is worse than no sex.

Once upon a time I thought sex could be secondary to emotional love but as time passes I’m realizing for me, sex is terribly important. It’s how I understand affection, comfort and acceptance with my partner and I make it a point to tell them how I’m wired.

I’d like to have nightly sex, but I just no longer have the wind to inflate my sweetheart that often. Also, her duct tape seems to last longer if I let her rest in the closet for a few days between trysts.

@eonblue You asked before about those kinds of stresses being just excuses. It’s okay to feel stressed out and get a little distracted for a period of time but it shouldn’t last for so long.
I would say how often you have sex is dependent upon what keeps you satisfied, physically and intimately. If you’re feeling estranged from your SO and need more attention, tell her or show her or surprise her with something kinky or romantic (whatever you think would win her over). She may be too tired but make it clear you’re feeling kind of lonely and would like to be with her, soon.
When it comes to stressful work schedules, it’s very important for you guys to make some quality time for each other to avoid this problem. I know when I’m feeling stressed I like to have sex as an outlet. It’s like when you’re upset over something and your boyfriend hugs you to make you feel better, only… so much better and closer. Maybe she’s feeling the same way and you don’t know. Maybe you should talk to her about what’s on her mind and see what you can do to help relieve some of her stress.
Whenever my boyfriend and I go through this period, I bring it up and it speeds up the process of getting things sorted out.

“the desire to impress the other person begins to fade?

That is a red flag. When it is about impressing, then being yourself.
Especially when it comes to sex.

@O let’s just say this about the Green and Whites. They keep me from wanting to throw myself under the wheels of a passing 60,000 lb truck. The have put a real damper on my libido, but given the choice of sudden death over infrequent sex, well, any smart man would choose the latter.

Except maybe @DarkScribe, but then, he’s a horse of a different color. Not to say he would choose suicide over sex, but I just have to give him a little playful shit, because it is obvious his wife keeps him around for something besides lifting heavy stuff and fixing things. =)

When I first started online social networking, this was my question, too. I wanted sex every day, and I was getting it every month, if I was lucky. Sometimes several months would go by. I would sleep on my side of the bed, desperately unhappy, but also afraid to try to change things, because I loved her, and I thought she would leave me if I made her do anything she didn’t want to. Also, I didn’t want to make her. I wanted her to want me, not just want to please me.

Sex is the way I understand love. If I am not intimate with a person often enough, I begin to feel unloved.

Well, I found out that a number of people were having sex every night. I think it was mostly younger people. Older folks like @DarkScribe seemed to be unusual cases. But there are a few of us, over 50, who still have a libido like when we were teenagers. It was driving me crazy.

I found a number of women online who were in a similar position. They were horny as hell and their husbands wouldn’t touch them (or they didn’t have husbands). That was pretty much a prescription for disaster, and the disaster did happen. Fortunately for me, it caused my wife and I to finally face our problem, and to work hard to connect again. The love (and the sex) is back! It’s gotten up to once a week, and occasionally twice. That’s enough for me to feel loved, although I could still do it every night, if she wanted.

I recall when we first got together, we did it every night, but she doesn’t remember it that way. Maybe we did it every night we were together, but not every night. Later, when we moved in together, it did become apparent that we had a difference in desire, but I loved her so much. Also, I had never been with a woman who had my level of desire, so I thought they didn’t exist. I thought all men wanted it more than all women.

In my adventures online, I have discovered plenty of women who say they want it or get it all the time. I’m jealous, of course. I still think about it pretty much all the time (at least, in the back of my head). I work on a campus with lots of beautiful young women, who wear low cut shirts, and I have given up trying to stop myself from staring down every woman’s shirt to see how much is showing. It’s too tiring to try to control myself any more. I’ve become a dirty old man; something I despised when I was in my twenties.

The thoughts in my head are pretty constant, and kind of boring, I’m sure, to others. Her! Yes, her! And her! I’d sleep with them all, if I could. Hell! Two or three in a day, if I were king in a land where anything I said went. I have often wished my desire would go away like it seems to with many men as they age. It is terribly frustrating to have this kind of interior talk running all the time, and no relief. It’s not helped, either, by my bipolar disorder, since it seems to be a symptom of hypomania. It never went away, even when I was depressed—this desire for sexual love—but it definitely gets to be even stronger when I’m getting a bit manic.

In a way, it’s nice, because it makes me write the most arousing erotica. But damn! I don’t want to get into trouble again the way I did last time. My wife, my marriage, and my kids are too important to risk that way. However, I’m crazy, and sometimes it is very difficult to keep this in mind. I hate using that as an excuse, but all the arguments about reality that I know are not enough to get me to be able to completely still my impulses, so temptation is always there. Fortunately, I’ve been able to push it far enough away, so far.

It’s unfortunate when levels of desire differ. Sometimes it is a sign of much wrong in the relationship. Other times it’s just a difference in libido. Certainly, spending more time together trying to please her makes her more responsive. If I get off the computer and next to her, she is definitely more interested. It’s not as easy as it would be if she had the same libido. Or passion.

I wonder how long I will have to struggle with this issue? In any case, you’re not the only one.

@Iclamae Yeah I would say I need more intimate attention; and she probably does from me as well. Maybe I will try some of the things you suggested. But I keep coming back to the issue of time and the fact that we go to bed very late and sometimes not together. I want to do things but I feel like I’m always doing something for school and when I do complain or what not, she is working on stuff for her photography and websites. It’s just like a back and forth thing where admittedly neither want to take or are fully responsible for the situation. Then the little time on the weekends we have together are spent running errands, dinner with family, etc. But you know, it really isn’t that difficult to make a little time each week.

@ChazMaz the desire to impress the other person begins to fade?

That is a red flag. When it is about impressing, then being yourself.
Especially when it comes to sex.

Perhaps I didn’t word this the best way I could, but yes – it is about myself as well as my SO. I’m not selfish type lover or friend. But what I am really talking about is desire. It’s nice to feel wanted; from time to time I want to go out of my way to do extra things so I can impress my girlfriend… but there’s the other side of that situation too, where it’s always nice in a relationship when your SO at least has the desire to do the same, at least sometimes. It’s not like I don’t accept her for who she is etc. I’ve just noticed we are both guilty of being too comfortable in front of each other and the desirability fades. The more I sense she has no interest in my attempts to attract her or her to attract me, the less I feel inclined to do so and it’s doing a number on my self esteem and hers as well. More than I probably care to admit, but… I know relationships aren’t perfect and need constant work, balance, etc. I want to do something nice for her, I want to love her and make her feel loved but when it slips in and out of “roommate” mode I get more cautious and more fearful of doing so. So it’s a rock and a hard place. So yeah, it may be about me, but it’s also about her. We both deserve happiness and intimacy with each other.

It’s been a week now without sex for my husband and I (due to illness) and it’s driving us both crazy. We talk about how we both miss it and what we’ll do to each other once I’m feeling better. The anticipation is kind of exciting. So yes, I would say it is very important to us.

We’ve been together for over 18 years now and the desire has never faded for us. In fact, I have more desire for my husband now than I did when we first met. Sure stress and other factors take its toll now and then but we make sure to communicate with each other so the other doesn’t take it personal.

If it’s time that is in the way, never underestimate the morning quickie. It really is a great way to start the day. In fact, if it weren’t for the morning quickie, or any spontaneous moment that we shut ourselves away from everyone for a few minutes, we wouldn’t have the amount of sex that we do.

@eonblue Communicate with her about your feelings, but make sure you try not to blame her for anything. Whatever you, don’t hold your feelings in. It will only cause trouble. good luck

You know, I like and enjoy sex but it isn’t really everything to me. I’ve been having sex since I was 16, but I went the entire year of being 22 without it. It didn’t even occur to me until about six months through- I was working two jobs, so I wasn’t really getting out socially that much to meet people for random hookups nor was I interested in a relationship.

That being said, I probably would be disappointed in a relationship if we didn’t have sex on a regular basis. I don’t live with my boyfriend, and he’s currently working full-time as well as going to school 3 days a week. Because of this, we often don’t see one another until the weekend, so yeah- a lot of times we do have sex only twice a week. Sometimes we have sex every day. It really varies on how often we are able to see one another and where our priorities are on that day.

Sex can be quite important in a relationship. It helps bring the couple closer. It doesn’t have to be sex itself, but intimacy in general. Hugs, sleeping in each other’s arms, etc. Orgasms help too of course, but they’re not everything.

People get caught up in their lives and forget about sex. I find that it is a great way to keep an emotional connection with your partner but the frequency is entirely up to the two of you and how you can fit it into your lives. I like to have it more a few times a week but there are times when there isn’t time; things with kids, social events and just being tired from working.

Very very important.. half the the relationship!