Is it normal not to feel forgiving toward dad in this situation?

He’s bringing his…um…“honey” to Thanksgiving Dinner? Is your mom going to be there and are they still married?

If so, then yes, you have a right to your anger. (I’m assuming that’s why you used the word “affair”.)

Are you angry about him interrupting your family dinner or about cheating on your mom?

To be able to forgive him will probably require some time to pass, as well as attempting tom understand your mother’s perspective. As @evegrimm asks, are your parents still married? Will your mom be there? What does your mom have to say about this?

As far as trusting guys, you need to separate your father from the other guys you know. His actions represent him and no one else. Possibly you may want to go talk to someone in order to be able to identify what your feelings are about.

Remember, parents are just people, and while the fact that they are older than their children should confer some sort of wisdom on them, but many times that is not the case.

Don’t let your flawed relationship with your father affect your own relationships with other men. Not all men are pigs; nor are all men just looking for sex. well, they are going to ask for it eventually, but some men actually see a woman as more than a life support system for a vagina. They are rare, but they are out there. You just have to keep your eyes open, your ears open, and never ever judge a book by its cover.

My 14-year-old cousin is in a similar dilemma: her father was caught cheating on her mother and now she avoids him, doesn’t listen to him, talks back to him, disrespects him and claims to have lost all her feelings of love toward him. All this despite the fact that her mother and father have reconciled. She also does not believe in love or marriage anymore and never wants to have a boyfriend.

My response to her is to leave the whole thing alone and let her parents figure it out. Despite a father’s transgressions with other women, he still loves his children, right?

I’m very interested in hearing some more response to this question.

It sounds as though he is in a new relationship, not having an affair. This happens when marriages break down, It is also normal for children to resent new partners at first. It is his life, there is little that you can really do. Be careful how you proceed and try not to burn any bridges – new relationships don’t always last, but he will always be your father.

It was difficult for my children to accept the fact that I developed a new relationship after I escaped their abusive mom. I understand how divisive and frightening it must feel. I hope you are able to come to terms with the situation without becoming too angry with your dad, who still undoubtedly loves you to the moon, but does not wish, nor should he be made, to spend the rest of his time alone and unhappy because he and your mom were unable to sustain their relationship. Divorce is never the exclusive fault of one of the parties, and you may find, as my children eventually did, that you can relate pleasantly to your dad’s new love interest, and that you can maintain your love and closeness with you dad.

Yes, they are still married. They’re getting a divorce at the end of my senior year. She was going to be there, but not anymore. I’m mad that he is hurting my mum like this -and she just found out last year, it’s way too soon.—I really want to tear the other woman’s hair out and scream stuff like ‘homewrecker’ and such.—

The father of my children seems to have this fantasy that after the divorce, we will continue to have family holidays together, with me doing the cooking and continuing family traditions, and him showing up with whomever he’s with at the moment. And that we will all be civilized and okay with it.

@troubleinharlem, the problems that your parents are having, have nothing to do with the other woman. It is the relationship between your father and your mother. Granted, a woman who takes up with a married man has some very serious character flaws. It sounds like your situation is exactly what is going on in my house, and I am in the same position as your mother.

As a child in the family, you should not be thrust into the middle of your parents’ marital problems. You cannot make that right. They should be going to marital counseling and working it out there.

He really thought he could show up at Thanksgiving with another woman, and his family would okay with it?

I know thy I’m too young (17) to understand this completely, but why can’t he see what he’s doing to my mum, little brother, and me?

I don’t know how to do the @ things, so hopefully you’re still there.

And I suppose so, another issue ( no offense to anyone ) is that she’s white. That almost makes it worse, because white women + black men = really bad in most peoples eyes. At least, in my experiences.

Because he is drinking the kool-aid that “if he’s happy, you’ll be happy.” That may be true in very abusive situations, but it is not true for what appears to the children in the family. What is true is that in a coupled relationship, people grow apart, and begin to care for more for themselves and their own interests than they do for what it takes to keep the partnered relationship working and healthy. Strong marriages require work. Sometimes things devolve through circumstance and self-absorption to a point where they cannot be resurrected.

My therapist says it’s a mid-life crisis, too. That doesn’t give him an excuse, though, right?

Sorry for all the questions…

There’s a saying, “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” When you hit a certain age, you look around and realize that where you are, is not what you planned for your life to be like.

This makes people unhappy and restless, as they are trying to figure out how things got so far from what they thought was going to happen. Much of adult life involves responsibility, and settling for what it takes to make a family work. For some people what it takes is satisfying and gratifying for them. For others, the relationship with their partner feels less partnered, and it’s harder to feel happy and want to see the rest of your life going in the direction it’s going in.

@troubleinharlem, try not to be so judging. The truth is always complex and hard to divine. I’m sure you feel hurt; I am just as sure that your dad has no intention of hurting you: that’s the farthest thing from his mind.

Your mom and dad couldn’t stay married, it seems, and in all divorces both parties are partially to blame. It is never, however, the children’s fault.

You may feel tha your dad is “doing” things to you and your mom. I hope you can entertain the idea that he is actually doing things “for” himself, things which may be very badly needed. Try to understand and forgive.

In all marriages, there is his side, her side, and the truth.

This relationship with the other woman is making your father feel young, handsome, interesting. Those feelings make him feel energized and excited about life, and those are good feelings. He doesn’t have any responsibilities towards this person. He’s not a husband or a father, but just a man. He loses sight of the value of being needed by his family, because perhaps his role in that family may not be clear.

The greatest gift that a father can give his children is to unquestioningly and devotedly love their mother. Unfortunately, that is not something that any of the parties can will to happen.

@PandoraBoxx The greatest gift that a father can give his children is to unquestioningly and devotedly love their mother.

Unquestioning devotion? You have to be kidding. What if the mother is far from an ideal mother or wife? This is unrealistic and would not benefit the children in many circumstances.

@PandoraBoxx Aren’t you making a lot of assumptions about how dad feels? maybe he has been deeply unhappy for years and has now, fortunately, found the person with whom he will be able to build a life long relationship. That was my story when I left my abusive wife for the love of my life. My children were upset, too, for a while.

@DarkScribe Unfortunately, that is not something that any of the parties can will to happen.
Yes, it doesn’t work out that way. And the converse is true. Perhaps I should have more correctly stated, “The greatest gift parents can give their children is to unquestioningly and devotedly love each other.”

But @troubleinharlem is talking about her father.

@pdworkin, just out of curiosity, when you left your abusive wife, did you leave your children with her?

What the father feels is irrelevant to children as they are trying to work through their own sense of loss and grief. The security of the familiarity of their family structure is ending. There is sadness for children in that.

@PandoraBoxx I find that to be a snide, suggestive, prying, personal and unpleasant question. However it does make it clear that you are bitter and have an attitude, so perhaps the OP won’t take you too seriously.

Oh, no @pdworkin, I’m sorry if I touched on a sore spot. I didn’t mean to. I really was curious. I work with a man who has full custody of their children, and I am wondering if that was your situation as well. It’s quite admirable.

@troubleinharlem Getting back to your question, it does seem like it would be rather insensitive and hurtful for your Dad to bring his girlfriend to your family’s Thanksgiving. Perhaps you and your mother can tell him that he is welcome to come on his own or not to come at all, but he is not wlecome to bring her. Maybe as time goes on and the hurt is not so raw, you can spend time away from the family with your Dad and in time, get to know his girlfriend.

@janbb what are you… oh, never mind.

@troubleinharlem – As @janbb says, perhaps you (or your mom) can tell your dad that while he is very welcome to come, that it is too soon for him to bring a new love interest. Alternatively, someone can suggest that if he wants to have Thanksgiving with his kids, perhaps your dad needs to set up a second dinner, say on Friday, so you can have one with your mom and one with him, and one Thursday he can have Thanksgiving with his new love.

Without knowing both sides it is hard for us to tell you who is in the “wrong” but certainly your father is being insensitive about the whole thing and is certainly jumping the gun a bit. However, coming from a mixed race family, I would have to say that the race of the new girlfriend has very little effect on the situation. It is her very existence and your dad’s assumption that he is welcome to bring a woman other than your mom to Thanksgiving that is causing the problems.

Good luck with it all, and study the situation so you can do a better job when it comes to you marrying and having children.

@PandoraBoxx The greatest gift that a father can give his children is to unquestioningly and devotedly love their mother.

The greatest gift parents can give their children is to unquestioningly and devotedly love each other.

These statements are ridiculous. The greatest gift parents can give their children is to unquestioningly and devotedly love their children.

I haven’t read the answers before responding so sorry if I repeat

It is quite normal to be able to unforgive if the behavior is still going on. The fact that he wants to bring the woman he had/is having an affair with to a family function is inappropriate. Since this is true forgiveness would be hard until he can admit his behavior is upsetting you, at the least.

Also I’m not sure how old you are. But for many young people forgiveness doesn’t come for their parents until they are out of the house and starting their own lives. For some reason it is much easier to forgive when you don’t have to live with them, it helps you see them as a human being capable of flaws and pain instead of a parent whose life revolves around you. (not that the latter is bad it is true to a certain extent but forgiveness comes more easily when you can see the humanness in your parents).

In this situation have you tried talking with your father? Tell him that you don’t know how you will control your temper if this woman is around and see what he says. I would find it very difficult as well.

@pdworkin – ... if you must know, my father is clinically depressed. that has something to do with it. and, not being defensive, but my mum didn’t do anything. if anything, she was forgiving and didn’t kick him out.

@RedPowerLady – I’m seventeen. But thank you for your words.

@Darwin – I doubt I’ll get married with my trust issues with men.

@janbb – I’ve decided not to talk to him since I found out last year. I know it’s childish, but it’s the only way I can hurt him like be hurt me.

@DarkScribe – He isn’t acting like a father would.

@troubleinharlem Would you consider talking to him for this instance to tell him how wrong you think it is? If you haven’t talked to him in awhile I’m sure he’ll take stop and listen (maybe not change his mind but at least listen), after all it’ll be the first thing you’ve said to him in awhile.

@troubleinharlem I’m sorry. I should never have said anything that made it appear that I was not sensitive to your dilemma and your hurt feelings. I hope you will forgive me. The poet John O’Hara once said, “A couple is a man and a woman, and no one on earth knows what goes on between them.” That’s the idea I was relying on when I said that divorces and separations are always the result of two people’s actions. I’m sure his behavior right now feels intolerable to you. It is my hope, though, that he is a normal man, and thus feels great love for you, and that someday you will be able to rediscover his love and forgive him. I wish you the very best,

@pdworkin – thank you, and you are.

@RedPowerLady – I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I still can’t believe he did it in the first place.

@troubleinharlem I would have issues dealing with that as well. But it is even worse to have to face the woman at a family holiday so I would likely be thinking of some way to avoid that scenario.

There are a lot of strong feelings here. I say that because I think that when we feel very strong feelings, we aren’t always interested in understanding the positions or opinions of other people in the discussion. That is part of being cheated on.

My daughter, who is thirteen, is very judgmental about cheating. She doesn’t understand how anyone could do it. I know that if she ever found out about me, she would be utterly shocked, and her world might come apart at the seams, even though her mother and I have rebuilt our relationship. As it happens, I am clinically depressed at times.

How can he do this to you? Most likely, he doesn’t think that the harm he is doing to his children is nearly as bad as the harm he would experience if he tried to stay together with your mother for the kids’ sake. I don’t know what was going on in your household before the divorce became a real possibility, but surely it can not have been happy!

My children started having psychological problems when my wife and I were in deep trouble. They are much better now that we have fixed some things. My children are very important to me, but I couldn’t imagine staying with my wife, despite the fact that I loved her (and love her), if we didn’t fix some things.

Depression made it worse. I felt unloved and unlovable. The only thing that made a dent in those feelings was falling in love with someone else. Not that those relationships could have worked, but then, I never really wanted to be separated from my family. I can’t imagine not living with my kids.

I guess what I’m saying is that I think it is important to try to understand your parents. It is far too easy to be judgmental, but I’m not sure where that gets you. You should know, though, that there is blame on both sides. When a couple gets divorced, no one is blameless.

I have wondered when it would be appropriate to try to discuss this with my kids. I’m not sure how it would be done: “Hey kids! Your father is a cheater!” But I would want my children to understand how difficult relationships are, and how the last thing I wanted was to hurt them, and I feel really bad about that. However, the pain I was in—well, I can’t place the entire blame (or even half of it) on my relationship, since mental illness played a huge part in this, but the pain could very well have cost me my life.

You are in pain. Your parents are, too. It is easy to want to blame someone for the pain, but be wary of assigning blame. You don’t know what is going down.

I’m not asking you to feel forgiving. I’m just asking you to realize that there is a lot you don’t know.

I’m not sure what the Thanksgiving thing was about. I’m sure your father wants to have his new love accepted, but it seems clear that you have to be a bit clueless to think acceptance can happen while things are so raw.

I hope you are open to rebuilding your relationship with your father. Try not to say things that can never be taken back. Always ask questions first before making accusations. Most importantly, own your own feelings. You can tell him how you feel. But please don’t tell him that he made you feel that way. It makes a big difference if you stay away from the blame game.

You’re all hurt. Playing blame can make it much worse. Trying to understand, although it may seem impossible, will serve you so much better in the long run.

How long have your parents been apart from one another? I understand the gray area of them not legally divorced yet even though your father has moved on into another relationship or maybe this is a relationship he’d taken up while still living with your mom? Still, like others have said above, this may or may not be the wisest thing your father is pursuing, it might not even be the last thing he pursues but he will still be your father and the two of you should talk, he should know your feelings whether or not he agrees with them or you with his. The love between the two of you will survive.

@daloon – I may be young, but I’m not that young. But I do know, very well what is going on. I may not know what’s going on, but I understand to the best of my ability.

@daloon – but… thanks for opening up when you didn’t have too.

@troubleinharlem Did I notice in another post that you have a child yourself? What’s up with that, if you don’t mind my asking.

@pdworkin – I do. It’s a cat. xD but I moonlight as a kindergarten/preschool teacher. I consider them like my kids.

They are lucky to have you as a teacher.

@pdworkin – I suppose. Thanks.

sorry for biting your head off earlier..

My head goes on and off quite easily. Not to worry.

@troubleinharlem I’m sorry if what I said made you feel like I thought you couldn’t understand. I don’t mean to say that at all. What I’m trying to say is that there is almost certainly a lot more going on than you know about. It’s kind of hard to make sense of things when a lot of the pieces of the puzzle are missing.

Please don’t feel like I’m dismissing you because you’re young. I don’t mean that at all! It’s just really difficult to be able to make sense of things—even if you have all the knowledge. I mean, I am myself and I still don’t understand myself.

You are having trouble feeling forgiving to your father. Sure, that’s completely normal. I’m only asking you to try not to judge so harshly, because there may be things you don’t know.

@daloon – okay… I suppose I can concur.

@drdoombot, I will stand by that statement. It’s not original to me, but from my daughter’s therapist. So much of girls’ self-worth and imaging comes from their relationship with their fathers, and how they see their fathers treat their mothers. This is true from my own experience, and from conversations with female friends. My younger daughter recently remarked that having relationships is extremely difficult if you have no idea what one looks like, or what a healthy adult loving relationship looks like. She went on to list the failed marriages among family and close friends. She then contrasted it with one of her friends, whose parents have a very close marriage, and approaches relationships with more trust than my daughter can muster.

What adults model to children is very important as to how the children develop into adults. That fact that parents love their children should be a given in a family, although I know it’s often not the case.

@PandoraBoxx – is there a way for me to get to trusting guys again?

@troubleinharlem, yes. It’s going to have to start with forgiving your father for being fallible. That may not be entirely possible for you until your family restructuring is complete after the divorce. You should focus on how your relationship with your father has been up to this point. If you guys have been close, focus on that. That person is still in there, somewhere, and will come back. If you can, spend some time with your father doing things that you would normally do.

If your parents are putting you and your brother into the middle of things, work with your therapist on how to manage that.

There are lots of really wonderful guys out there who are worthy of being trusted. I recently ran across this article on a blog. This is a wonderful reminder that what makes a “great guy” is often not readily visible.

@PandoraBoxx – wow, thanks. that’ll help. (:

@PandoraBoxx good link

I like how I avoid activity on this one topic.

Here goes 2 cents: The long and the short of it will be in hindsight only, however, you are not your dad; just as you will always hope that he will love you unconditionally, with your future affairs des heart, so you should forgive him.

Mind you, he’s a jerk for doing it, but that has nothing to do with forgiveness: you forgive him for your own piece of mind. What he does is his concern, and he will suffer the consequences. Should you not be able to tolerate the situation, discuss it – or avoid it or protest it. But always forgive; or you punish yourself.

:-)