What reactions would there be to a cross-dressing man in a lesbian bar?

Lesbians are pretty fun. If he doesn’t try to hit on them or be rude he should be welcomed quite well. It really depends on the people involved.

I have no idea. Let me know.

I’ve never had a problem.

@AstroChuck lol. You might have trouble with your antlers and red nose.

@Blondesjon Do you cross-dress and then go to lesbian bars without problems? That sounds cool. Thanks.

It depends on the lesbian bar. Just like some straight bars are not gay-friendly, some lesbian bars aren’t friendly to men. This is a minority, yet I feel it’s important to point out. I’m sure as long as the person is respectful and isn’t trying to be a voyeur, there most likely won’t be an issue.

Is the man in question trying to hide the fact that he’s a man (“pass”)?

Some lesbians enjoy the company of gay men. Some lesbians enjoy the company of straight men. I don’t know too many lesbians who like the company of straight men who cross dress and who profess to “liking” lesbians or their company.

There are a lot of folks of different stripes who collectively fall under the transgender umbrella. I think the lesbians I know (including myself) are not real comfortable around straight men who are dressing up as some kind of sexual turn-on. This is totally different from men (straight or gay) who are actually considering a transition because their brain doesn’t match their bodies. Straight men (who like women) who dress up as a sexual turn-on, means they are coming into a lesbian bar with potential ulterior motives that I would not respect.

Lesbians can be a political bunch and can have concerns about straight men who enjoy all other benefits of male privilege playing around with dressing up in this way. The notion that a straight man would use this ploy to somehow link up with a lesbian for sexual activities is extremely bothersome.

While you indicate that this is “more subtle,” I think most lesbians would think it was anything but. I, for one, would be extremely uncomfortable and would not make any effort to warm up to this person in the same way I might if he was wearing traditional men’s clothing in MY environment (e.g., lesbian bar). Women’s bars are places where women go to feel safe and get away from some of the straight men (and women) we contend with in the world (close minded, etc). Someone taking advantage of that situation (or attempting to) would be likely viewed with suspicion rather than warmth or understanding.

@laureth This is going to sound like a cliche, but I’m asking this question for a friend. I honestly don’t know to what extent he’s thinking of cross-dressing. I don’t know if he’s simply planning to wear lacy panties under his male clothes or if he’s going to throw on a muu muu and swish around the bar like a butterfly. I have lots of questions to ask my friend.

@Kayak8 Wow! What a thoughtful and thorough answer. You raise a lot of legitimate concerns. Thank you very much.

I’ve seen it. A few years ago, I was at lesbian bar and there was fellow there who had to have about, oh, 25. He was quite masculine with dress on and heels. He was chatting it up with the ladies, and he complemented me on my shoes. Nice guy. No one had a problem with him being there.

@jmah Age may indeed have something to do with it!

I agree with @Kayak8 that it might not be well-recieved. I do go to gay bars, but not usually ones that are specifically “lesbian” bars, so I don’t know how awkward it would be. It would probably depend on the bar. Lesbians can be kind of territorial, but I think that if the man was not trying to hit on any of the women, it would be ok. Especially if he came with friends who were women. The dress might be useful. A straight man dressed as a man in a lesbian bar? I could see him getting a lot of glares, especially if he came alone. At least with the women’s clothing he’ll be out of the norm and people will be curious instead of thinking he’s “crashing the party” so to speak.

Basically, he’ll probably get both positive and negative reactions.

As a lesbian, I wouldn’t be offended. No one in my circle of friends would be offended, either.

@Kayak8: Ehhh… I think your answer shows a lack of understanding of most straight men who crossdress. It sounds to me like perhaps you’ve run into one or two who’ve given the majority a bad name. Or… I suppose it is possible that the few I know are in the minority and are giving the majority a good name…!

There are two queer bars within easy driving distance from my home.

One is a gay bar/café, frequented by both the lesbian and gay crowd. One of the sweeter things I’ve encountered there is a straight couple who goes there to dine because it’s a safe place where no one glares at them or says hateful things because they’re interracial. There is also a transvestite group that met there regularly. I think the cross-dressing man would be very welcome at this establishment. They know that we’re all in this together, and different people are welcome.

The other one is a lesbian bar (no café area) in a tougher town, further away. The bartender, bouncers, and staff are female. While I once went to a men-in-drag show there, I’m not certain that your cross-dressing friend would be very welcome. Sure, they probably wouldn’t throw him out, but this is not a place where lesbians go to hang out with straight men. They get enough of that in every day life. This is where they go to get away from that, to meet and drink with other lesbians.

I think a lot of the welcome would be based on the kind of bar he went to, as well as his intentions.

@MacBean I can only describe my experience and there are definately some who have given the rest a bad name in my circle . . .

@Kayak8: There are in any group, sadly. And even worse, they tend to be a really vocal minority. Bleh.

If those lesbians are all feminists, all he has to do to be dismissed is be a man.

If they’re genuine cool lesbians though, they’ll probably show a lot of interest in his clothing, how he went about it and why he’s doing it. A great night for all.

I’ve been to quite a few lesbian bars, and I’ve never been kicked out (as a straight woman).

I think it might boil down to someone with a fetish like that feeling most comfortable around other people who face discrimination. Maybe they feel at home around lesbians, and just overall more accepted.
Unless the dude was being gross, I don’t see why anyone would even bat an eye.

@casheroo: Well, you’re hot. Of course they’re not going to kick you out!

@Symbeline – I don’t think all feminists are anti-man, they’re just pro-woman. You can be supportive of one without being down on the other. Of course, some feminists are – but the two attitudes don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. Just sayin’. :) <rant=off>

I am not sure I can explain this well, but here’s a stab at it.

Straight men, unless a person of color or other minority, typically do not face discrimination. The world is designed around them and the rest of us work it out as best we can.

A straight man who gets off playing dress up and who likes to do this around lesbians is entitled to that fantasy, but he doesn’t have to involve real people in THEIR environment for his sexual pleasure.

Folks are certainly entitled to live out whatever fetish they choose until it crosses over the line and starts to impact other people without their agreement or consent.

As some lesbians have a laundry list of issues about sex with men and the power inequities that often cause those issues, the notion of a straight man thinking that he has the right to live out his sexual fantasy in front of or with a group of lesbians is inherently problematic for me.

In this instance, a friend of the person is asking the question. I have no sense of the character or intentions of the person doing it because it has gone through his friend’s filter first. I can only respond to the question on its face.

Some will say imitation is flattery, but there is a fine line and, from the description in the question, an easy line to step over. There are likely a number of lesbian bars where he would be laughed at or treated with derision, others where he wouldn’t even be noticed and still others where he could get his clock cleaned.

It depends on where he goes and how he behaves as to how the experience might turn out. I am more interested in discussing the fundamental underlying reason why his experience may go poorly in deference to my fellow lesbians who have suffered from childhood sexual abuse, rape, and other very real and very unpleasant experiences. For him, this is a fun little game; he can’t assume his “audience” feels the same way.

One person should not have to pay the price for another’s fun. To deliberately seek an environment where folks have segregated themselves away from people like you, to dress up (either for sexual gratification, to pretend to be one of “them,” or both) is an assertion of the very sense of privilege I am trying to describe.

This is also entirely different from a gay man in drag, or a young man who is trying to sort out his sexual identity. You can have three or four different men wearing women’s clothes and walking into a lesbian bar and the women will quickly sort out if he is a threat or not. Of the potential combinations, the straight man who is doing it for his sexual pleasure and including the typical bar patrons in his fantasy, is the most troubling. Halloween is probably the only time I can think of where it would be viewed most consistently as a costume and might not rise to the level of being a threat.

@Kayak8 : I want to thank you for the time and effort you have put in to answering this question. Your insight is valuable and just the sort of response my friend was looking for. He wanted a detailed, reasoned explanation of the sort you’ve provided. Your high level of understanding of the intricasies of the atmosphere has been studied and appreciated.