How do I answer the question, "When are you having kids?"?
Now that this spinster has finally tied the knot (I’m 30) to my very fabulous, former long-term boyfriend; I’m very often asked the question, “When are you guys/y’all (he’s from TX) going to have kids?” There seems to be no answer that will prevent the inevitable, “You guys bettter hurry. You’re not getting any younger!” (He’s 35.) So I have grown tired of being polite about this very, in my opinion, impolite question. So give me your best, snottiest, snarkiest responses!
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“When I fxcking feel like it.”
When I’m good and ready, if at all. Mind your beeswax.
“In the future.”
“Not at this moment!”
When my bf sticks his huge penis in me, ejaculates, and one of the million little swimmers takes.
“How important is it for you to know?”
Laugh hysterically and say “You’re funny! Why on earth would I want to do that??”
How about: ‘Probably around the same time you stop asking me stupid questions.’
“I can’t imagine why you would ask me something so personal!”
“In some cultures, asking that question is so serious a breach of privacy that the offender is put to death.”
Why? Were you hoping the be there when I conceive?
About [insert number here] years after you stop asking me that question.
We are having trouble, would you come over and help use do it right?
“How about I make a deal with you. I’ll have children when you stop being a fucktard. Better hurry because my parents would like grandchildren and it’s not looking good for them right now.”
Surely you have better things to do than plan my future.
These are great. Can’t wait to see the look on my elderly, and very noisy, aunt’s face!
My wife and I get this question a lot. My favorite response is “when you can make a deposit on the college fund, because I sure as hell can’t.”
“About 45 minutes after eponymoushipster gets here.”
Just say you’ve been trying since you were 13.
We prefer oral sex, it is so much less messy!
@Dr_Lawrence Only if you swallow. If not, it’s just as messy.
“Thank you for your interest in our sex life. We are not ready to make an announcement.”
Oh poo. All of the good answers are taken. Seriously, I’d ask something like “Explain to me how it’s any of your business.” Or, maybe “We’ve had three already, we just keep getting rid of them.”
<<loves rangerr, Zen_Again, and eponymoushipster.
“When I get rid of this nasty inflammation. Who knew?!?”
“How about this, I’ll give you about a 9 month warning.”
Hopefully about 9 months after we have unprotected sex. Why, when did you have them?
@Zen_Again that was a fluke. i apologized to your mom after that.
I had to tell a few people” When you get your noses out of our bedroom maybe we’ll git er done.” We waited 11 years.
“When it’s your business, I’ll let you know.”
“As soon as we can find a buyer who will meet our asking price.”
“Once we find some good recipes.”
Sorry, I’m not into drugs. I can’t pop babies like pills.
No relation to the Duggards.
“my last one was stolen by angelina jolie…bitch.”
@shego Very true! No blue pills or pink pills that represent boys and girls on the market for consumption.
“When I’m good and ready.. bitch”
“Darn…I must have missed the memo that informed me it was any of your truckin’ business.”
@eponymoushipster Mom says you need viagra, or not bother coming around anymore. She says she could use the 3 minutes to knit.
I like to say “before I am 30”, so you could try saying, “before I am 40”
“As soon as we figure out which hole to put it in. Three trips to the ER just last month dammit!”
“Are you planning on funding their education, and need to know because of financial planning?”
“After our student loans are paid off.”
Or, fake-burst into tears, and run from the room, saying, “We can’t!!!!”
@Zen_Again funny, she never complains when i’m there. granted, she a polite lady. never talks with her mouth full.
Why? Seeing you raise yours can drive anyone sterile.
Complaining takes time – she’s old – and your’e outta there so fast she barely remembers you were even there. She asked me to tell you to bring friends next time – bigger friends.
Hey, you two, get a thread.
Man, have we gone off the rails with this one!?
[mod says] Let’s try to get back to the topic, folks. Thanks!
“When kids decide to have me.”
Just leave them confused, and while they’re stunned, walk away.
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