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iLove's avatar

Can a "friend with benefits" turn into a relationship? Have you ever had this happen, with success?

Asked by iLove (2339points) January 21st, 2010

I recently was made aware by my FWB of (on and off) 8 years that he is “in lurve” with me. Is this possible? Does anything good ever come out of relationships that were originally just sexual? I want to hear your stories!

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25 Answers

seekingwolf's avatar

I had a friend who did this successfully with a very long term FWB. They are happy together now.

All I can say is be careful. Sometimes lust and love get mixed up and confused and then you have one person wanting something and the other person wanting another. It’s weird. To have any chance of it working, I’d say that you need some really open communication and sit-down time to see how you’re going to make it work. You can’t just “assume” an exclusive relationship….both parties need to talk about it.

CMaz's avatar

“Can a “friend with benefits” turn into a relationship?”

You hope it turns out that way. Unless you already in a relationship.

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

Yes it can, but it can just the same fail miserably and hurt one or both parties.

phil196662's avatar

Communication… If you want to know whats up then talk to him and get it out in the open. These types of things don’t have to be one way.

I have several woman that I dated in HS and College and it was Sexual because I wanted to get my classwork done but there are times you just need a Randy Time to feel like you can sit and study. One went to do medical work in a small third word country and another got married and had several children and we lost contact for fifteen years.

Recently our high school reunion happened and they put several years together so I went to the party and it was fun but got better when someone made a “purring” noise in my ear and I turned and knew it was her, that was her signature sound for me and she was still a knockout at 36 after three kids! We danced at the activity and talked. she told me about her divorce several years back and how her job moving around all the time made it where she had to let her Ex have custody of the children, so in essence she is Free and wants to be a part of my life again. She did notice the wedding ring I said two years but you should meet the Wife and then we will talk and see where things go because we/ I have an open marriage. She grinned and was over for dinner several weeks later but when dessert was served in the living room we really got talking about stuff and she asked if she could pick something to watch with us, She picks up the remote and then turns “beet red” and gasps “You guys watch kinky stuff…O M G and she even hit play and was mesmerized and didn’t even know at first that the Wife and I were handling her.

So you won’t know until you Talk

lonelydragon's avatar

Obviously it’s possible, because it’s happening (although your situation is kind of uncommon). Do you feel the same way about him? If you are on the same page emotionally, then it might work. Keep an open mind to the idea and give it a try. And, as Phil said, open communication is the key to any successful relationship, romantic or otherwise.

simplicity's avatar

If you are actually ‘friends’ then there should be no reason it can’t work out. If your relationship is ‘just sexual’ then I would think it is far less likely.

marinelife's avatar

Yes, it can. Now that you know he is in love with you, how do you feel about him?

liliesndaisies's avatar

Yes it can. But mostly they don’t.
Men would like to have something they have worked hard for.
It may turn into a relationship. But you won’t get the ring.

filmfann's avatar

In the FWB relationships I have had, I did not consider them seriously, because they were casual.
I found out, years later, that a FWB wanted a full on relationship, but never told me. Had she, I don’t know what I would have done. FWB pretty much means settling on something your not interested in from the start.

iLove's avatar

@Marina – I am conflicted. The reason why I have kept it at arms length is because I think he is a “ladies man” , i.e. works in a bar, has TONS of women who think he is hot.

This admission of his “lurve” TOTALLY caught me off guard. I have had feelings for him since the day we met, but again kept my distance because I didn’t see him as being the monogamous type.

We have a lot in common, he does call frequently and ask me how my day is going, tells me he cares about me. I figured it was just part of the fun. I just never expected to have a “player” tell me he is in love with me! It kinda seems ironic.

lilikoi's avatar

I’ve been there and it worked out. I’ve also been with the kind of guy you just described and I would totally be caught off guard, too, if one of “those kinds of guys” ever professed love. If you are insecure, it may not work. Idk! It’s hard to judge a relationship when separated by the internet….If you’ve had feelings for him since day one and you know he’s in love with you, I can’t imagine how you’re going to talk yourself out of giving it a shot, though. Good luck. I hope it works out for you!

iLove's avatar

@lilikoi – Great answer – could you elaborate on your two separate situations? Since you have experience, I would love your input.

I guess it really is true – we want what we can’t have. I have been running from this guy emotionally for so many years, I guess it made him want me more.

As for insecurity – sure, don’t we all have a little insecurity? However in this case the only thing that bothers me is that “most people are only as faithful as their options” but who knows? I’ve been called a player too, so therein lies the additional irony….

iLove's avatar

@liliesndaisies – Your response, “Men would like to have something they have worked hard for.” is a very key part to this story. He has always said to me, I’ve been chasing you for 8 years and I haven’t given up yet…

Is this really the key? Is the book, “Why Men Love Bitches” right on?? Pretend you don’t want someone and they will eventually be hooked… it all seems so strange!

daemonelson's avatar

Yes. Despite some popular opinions, sex and love are more closely related than most think. Not to mention, seeing someone on and off for 8 years could form some pretty strong attachment.

LethalCupcake's avatar

I tried one time to have an actual relation with my “friend”. Before we decided that we could hang out, go out – and just be buddies. We were terrible in a relationship and it ultimatly ruined our friendship. I wish we never would have gone forward – He was a great friend!

evandad's avatar

Sure. I’ve seen shotgun marriages that turned gold. There’s a million stories in the naked city.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I believe so but as someone else mentioned above, only if the person is really a “friend” with sexual benefits and not a minimal hassle “sexual acquaintance” instead.

Sophief's avatar

I wouls say it was exactly a FWB situation, but when I first met my current partner, he wan’t looking for a relationship, and I had to have him. So we started it with casual sex, if that was all I was going to get then so be it, I’d take it. It was once a week, a couple of nights a week, then I’d stay over at weekends, now I’ve moved in!

liliesndaisies's avatar

You really don’t have to pretend you don’t like him but try not to give out all you have to keep him.
Why would he say he was chasing you for 8 years? does that mean he wanted to have a real relationship with you and you did not seem to want it?

iLove's avatar

@liliesndaisies – I really thought that our relationship was based on sex. So I would meet someone I would want to date, and we would stop seeing each other. He would always seek me out and seemed to know when my relationships ended.

Because of his behavior, I figured he was allowing this to happen because he did not want a relationship. I assumed that he would tell me if we wanted more. Well, I guess he did, after 8 years!

liliesndaisies's avatar

From the sound of it, he seems to be ready. Have you not talked about readiness in your relationship? has communication increased between the two of you in the past 8 years? has he seem to include you in his plans in the future or perhaps lets you know what he is doing when you are not together?

If the answer is yes, then he loves you and it could turn out to be a nice long term relationship. The hard thing here is if you assume but you don’t know what he is up to and where this is all leading to.

But the most important thing is are YOU ready?

Violet's avatar

This has only happened to me once, and it was a terrible relationship.

iLove's avatar

Well, thank you for everyone who contributed to this discussion. In my case after discussing the info with the FWB, it turns out that our definitions of love are vastly different, just like our schedules.

In his opinion, his 3pm – 3am schedule opposite my 9am – 3pm schedule on overlapping days would just lead to frustration and disappointment.

I say, love who you love and it will find a way to work out.

So in this case it appears that an LTR would not be a good result to this FWB.

phil196662's avatar

WOW! @Dibley – Wonderful… I guess he liked the packaging?

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