Social Question

crazyandbeautiful's avatar

To tell or not to tell?

Asked by crazyandbeautiful (551points) February 6th, 2010

Should I tell someone I am in love with them even though they are seeing someone else? We are good friends. Call each other when there is a problem. He is a great friend. When one of us is down the other always knows how to make the other feel better. So do I just leave it alone? Or just tell him how I feel?

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20 Answers

belakyre's avatar

I would suggest no as it can affect his relationship and wait until he’s free.

Chikipi's avatar

I’ve been in this spot before, my best friend went out of state for work. While he was away, I started to feel deeper feelings for him. We talked about once a week, but on the third week he told me he found the love of his life. He was excited to bring her home and meet me. About one week before he came home (1½ months) into his trip, he told me that he wanted to marry her. It was hard to handle, but I never told him how I felt. I went by the theory that if we were meant to be then after the relationship ended with them we would have something. He is still married to her and now has two kids. I am happy for him and wouldnt ever change the past nor ever tell him that I was in love with him ever. I love him enough to step back and be happy for him. I believe this is what true love is…letting someone you love be happy and not interfere.

john65pennington's avatar

Hey, destiny is destiny. be frank and tell him how you feel. ask him to keep this conversation between you two very confidential. you will never know, if you do not ask.

LunaChick's avatar

At this point, I would leave it alone. Telling him now may cause a strain in your friendship. If he breaks up with the person he is seeing, feel free to express your feelings. On another note, do not try to get him to break up with his girlfriend – that may also cause undue stress on your friendship. Just wait it out, if it was meant to be, it will happen.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I would tell him how much you value his friendship and that you don’t ever want to do anything to spoil your relationship but you want his to know your feelings for him run much deeper than he may know.
Tell him you don’t expect him to do anything different and you want him to be happy but you felt he had a right to know about your feelings for him.

Merriment's avatar

One of the finest things about real love is that it wishes the best for the object of your affection even if that best doesn’t include you.

Ask yourself if the knowledge of your love when he isn’t free to reciprocate is going to hurt him. If the answer is yes, and I suspect that it is, then don’t say it.

Zaku's avatar

I would either not say, or indicate playfully and lightly that I would be interested if we’re ever single at the same time.

crazyandbeautiful's avatar

@zaku at one point we both were but never acted on it. just were friends and stayed that way.we do flirt but thats it

CaptainHarley's avatar

I married my best friend and have never for one moment regretted it. Yet telling him may only result in your losing your best friend. My recommendation is that you wait until it becomes obvious that he’s not serious about someone, then tell him in a very gentle and subdued way about your feelings for him.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

There is clearly no one right answer and what I said I would do might be considered honest or selfish, depending a person’s point of view.

plethora's avatar

If he’s a friend and you share as much as you say, I would ask him straight out how deeply he feels for the other woman. Get him to be straight with you. You never know in a situation like this. If he is madly infatuated, tell him that when the infatuation has worn off, as it will, that you and he should talk more seriously, that you feel quite deeply about him. Do not be needy. Just be strong, straightforward and honest…and then switch the subject. You don;t want to appear to be forcing a decision. Leave him puzzling over it. (Im a guy)

loveurmindnsoul's avatar

This is a hard question and there is no wrong answer. You’re just going to do what YOU feel is right. No one here on Fluther knows exactly how you feel or are in the same exact situation you are in. If you feel it is right to tell him, then do so. If you don’t then don’t.

I know the answer is lame and vague, but in the end the decision is yours alone.

ucme's avatar

Well I think….......oh my god it’s the delightful Miss Jolie. Sorry but fuck the question i’m distracted somehow sigh.

Just_Justine's avatar

I’d say it in a joking way, like “boy if you were single…” sort of keeps it from being potentially deep and heavy.

TheLoneMonk's avatar

I am in the “Tell Him Exactly How You Feel” camp. The worst thing that could happen is that he doesn’t feel the same way and that might hurt. But, if he feels the same way and neither of you speak it, a wonderful love story may go by the wayside. Life is way, way too short to keep secrets like this.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

tell him if your feelings are strong and you’re sure of them – otherwise, wait it out until you’ve got ‘em figured out

thriftymaid's avatar

Tell. No, wait. Don’t tell. Well, I don’t kow.

crazyandbeautiful's avatar

well seeing how hes head over heels for his new love i guess i waited too long. but sadly we dont even talk anymore. guess i will just have to get used to this and accept the fact hes happy and be happy for him.

Zaku's avatar

Yes. And you can be open to the same thing happening for you with someone else.

(And if the situation ever changes with him, you’ll know what to do then.)

crazyandbeautiful's avatar

Well he has a new girlfriend. I am not complaining seeing it is me. LOL

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