Social Question

Heartbroken's avatar

How can i get him to get over his ex.

Asked by Heartbroken (73points) March 24th, 2010

Ok my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex, after that i left him and he wanted to make things right with me, but when i told him i want to make things work between us, he said he is not over her yet and need time to get over her because he does not want to hurt me agian, he says he does not want to be with her, but he keeps in contact with her. I have stoped all communication with him, but i really want us to be together agian, want can i do to make him relise he does not want to be with her nad want me back!

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39 Answers

Snarp's avatar

Doesn’t anybody listen to Bonnie Rait anymore? You can’t make him get over her, all you can do is wait for him to do it on his own, if you’re willing. Might be a good idea to shop around while you’re waiting though.

marinelife's avatar

You cannot make your boyfriend do anything or feel or not feel anything.

You are doing the right thing not being in contact with him. He either will get over her and come back to you or he won’t.

Your best bet is to move on with your life.

belakyre's avatar

Give the guy another chance…he seems genuine about it. However…make it clear that you can only take so much before a line is really crossed. It may be a good idea to ask him to really put his heart into getting over his ex like say…canceling all communication between him and his ex?

bunnygrl's avatar

Oh sweetheart, you’re heading for a fall with a big bump. Save yourself the heartbreak and look for another guy. Honey you were his attempt to get over his ex and it didn’t work because he then cheated on you with her. Seriously honey, from the outside looking in, the only girl he seems set to settle down with is his ex, not you, because he keeps going back to her.

I know you don’t want to hear this honey but you’ll get hurt if you keep clinging to a dream of you and him, babies and a future. Even if he does come back to you, he’s cheated once, odds are he’ll do it again, and more than likely with his ex. You’ll be in the middle being bumped back and forth until they decide to either be together or not but thats not fair on you sweetheart, its just not. Who wants to be with a guy knowing that you’re his second choice. You deserve better, a partner who makes you the centre of their world, everyone deserves that.
<hugs> xx

Cruiser's avatar

The question becomes what can you do to finally realize he said he is not over her and what that actually means!

Idknown's avatar

Yeah see… he cheated on you with her… You shouldn’t want him back.

Not saying he’s a bad guy. He’s just not at that place where he’s ready for your awesomeness – and unfortunately when he is ready – Your awesomeness will likely be in the arms of some other man who is currently ready for your awesomeness.

So why not go out there and look for a great guy that’s ready now?!

j0ey's avatar

Okay, everyone has their faults and I’m not going to stand here and say that I have never cheated before, because I have. (I’m SURE some of you have too)

I’m not proud of it. BUT cheating on someone does not always mean you love them any less, it does not necessarily mean that you want to be with the person you did the deed with. Break ups can be very confusing, you love them, you hate them, you love them. Especially if you have been with them for a while.

There is no doubt in my mind that this guy really likes you, hes being nice by saying hes not over her yet and he needs time. He obviously doesn’t want you to be his rebound girl. Listen to him and give him time…but while hes sorting his shit out, there is no reason you cant date other people. And if you catch a better fish in the mean time, keep that one and throw the “case of the ex” back.

slick44's avatar

If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they are yours, if they dont, they neve were

Sophief's avatar

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. How old are you both? I think we maybe need to know a little more, like how long was he with the ex, and how long is it since they split?

Heartbroken's avatar

Ok he was with his ex for 6 monthes and she cheated on him, so he left her when he found out about it, then about 2 monthes went by and we met, we fit perfectly, and hit it off… We fell in love quickly, and he was the first one who said he loved me, but in this time she went away for a while. When she came back, he said he needed time to sort out his problems about the break up, and then he came back to me and said he really wants to be with me and this time apart he just realized it more… We were together for about 5 monthes and everything was perfect in everyway, untill i found out he was seeing her… I really want to be with him, and want to wait for him but i dont know if their can ever be a futher for us… He is 23 and i am 22.

Sophief's avatar

@Heartbroken Did he just sleep with her once? I am not sayin even once is acceptable, but it’s just a question.

Heartbroken's avatar

No, i think it was a few times….

Sophief's avatar

@Heartbroken Oh, I am really sorry about that. At a guess, it looks like he doesn’t want to hurt you, that’s why he said he needs time. He doesn’t know if he can trust himself not to do it again if she offers it. I think if he said he doesn’t want her and he wants you, then you need to set some ground rules. I know it hurts and what I say next will hurt, so I’m sorry, but while ever you are not with him, where is he? I would want to break contact, but I know it would hurt me more, because my mind would go into overdrive. Do you understand what I am saying?

Heartbroken's avatar

Yes, i do, i know he is probebly speaking to her now but i just want him to see that she is not right for him, i meen she has cheated on him before, i would never do that, he says they fight all the time they are together. and he know he has to get over her… And he knows what it is and its not her… But he needs to get over this?

Sophief's avatar

@Heartbroken He does need to get over this, your right. Maybe spending time with you, can help him do that. I am not in the same situation as you, but when I first met my he was still hung up over his ex, and said he never wanted anything serious. I said ok, but I kept at us and eventually made him see that I am better than her. Treat him good, laugh with him, enjoy your time. It will take a long time, but eventually he’ll he has someone special in you and wonder why he ever wanted her. But first you need to be with him.

Heartbroken's avatar

I know that, but he said he needs time to get over this, i want to give him time and not call him or see him, but i dont want to loose him?

Sophief's avatar

@Heartbroken Then I guess you just need to be strong. But how much time are you going to give him? What will he be doing in this time? How does he know you still want him? Has he tried to contact you?

Idknown's avatar

@Heartbroken Please don’t wallow in self pity. Time is relative. I dated my ex for 7.5 years. Broke up in January. Had intimate relations till June – when she got a new boyfriend. BOY was that hard for me?!

I took a break – 4 months later, I saw her for dinner. We are now best friends.

My friend, got dumped. He took 1 week of man-crying. And that was it.

So… everyone has their time period.

The point is – its okay to be sad. Go for it.

I want you to go out there and try to see what else is out there. You’re young – at no point should you wait around for this ONE guy. Girls have infinitely more choices than men when it comes to choosing a mate – so exercise that right. Go out and let other men woo you and you might just be pleasantly surprised at the crop out there.

Heartbroken's avatar

Well i have told him that i do really love him, and that what we had was really special and that is why i was willing to forgive him, that was 4 days ago, Then he told me that he wants to get over this and it would not be fair of him to ask me to wait for him, but he can see a future with me and not eith this girl….

Sophief's avatar

@Heartbroken Well that is good of him, but, it takes a long time to get over someone. If he can see a future with you, then he should be working out, with you, together. I know it is so hard and your probably swearing at me right now, saying what do I know. But I really think he needs to give you something more positive here.

Heartbroken's avatar

I know but how do i get that out of him, i dont want to be the first one to phone or msg him

Sophief's avatar

Is there anyway you can bump into him?

JeffVader's avatar

I think you may have to consider the possibility that his statement that he needs time, is just a polite way of turning you down.

GladysMensch's avatar

Trust me on this. When a guy says “I’m not over her, and need time to get over her, because I don’t want to hurt you again”; he’s actually saying “I’m going to continue sleeping with her, and I’m going to crush you if you stay around.”
He’s not man enough to just come out and say that he wants to get back together with his ex. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy and face the guilt of hurting you. He wants to get away with cheating on you and breaking your heart; then go back to his ex with your approval. Let him go, but not without telling him he’s a spineless jackass who doesn’t deserve someone like you. Then go out and find an actual adult for your next relationship.

Judi's avatar

Get on with your life. If this was meant to be it will be, but don’t wait around for him. Sometimes a person doesn’t realize how important someone is to them until they feel like they might loose them.
I am not saying to play a game with him, I am just saying that you need to have enough self respect to hold your chin up and survive without him. If he comes back that’s great, but you may just find out that you deserve better.

Heartbroken's avatar

Dibley, yes there is, i am very good friends with his, flatmate, and we speak alot. I know i must let him go, but its just so hard, i know she is not right for him. I just want him to see this!

thriftymaid's avatar

You are not going to cause this to happen.

Heartbroken's avatar

Then tell me what i am suppose to do, PLEASE!

JeffVader's avatar

@Heartbroken You need to be strong, & move on. It really doesn’t matter how you feel about this man, he doesn’t feel the same, he’s still hung up on his ex. There is nothing you can do to make him get over her…. nothing. Sometimes, even when you meet the perfect person for you, your soul mate, it is still doomed simply because of timing. I’m speaking from experience here, you literally have to force yourself to stop. Otherwise you’ll be unhappy for years.

Heartbroken's avatar

I dont know how to stop feeling the way i do…

Idknown's avatar

@Heartbroken Okay… the carrot won’t work…

Grow a spine of some sort. You are not the only one to have felt this way, and you won’t be the last. Look at yourself with more respect will ya? Look at you: “Oh I’m nothing without him…”

I’ll tell you what you’re supposed to do. Self pity will only get you so far – but I know that it’s necessary. So do it. Wallow in self pity – but do it knowing this is temporary.

Time heals all wounds blah blah blah – it’s true. That’s it. I thought I’d never get through the hardships – but you do. Because after some time apart you just realize at one point… what the frak am I doing? Why am I so miserable, and everyone around me keeps going as if life is okay? Then you start to see life is okay. And then you can be a working individual producing worth in society again.

So in conclusion – the way to stop feeling the way you do – is to do something else.
1. Ignore him – don’t even talk to him till you’re over this ‘phase’.
2. Go out with friends, you still have friends right?! Use them to help. My best friend came over and played video games with me every night so I wouldn’t have my mind wandering. Invite a girlfriend, watch movies, talk, whatever the hell girls do.
3. When you’re ready – start to go out. I don’t know how you find men, or hell even if you’re of drinking age. But assuming you are – go to the bars and get back to the ‘scene’. You know when I got over my ex? When I walked into a club and a presumably tipsy girl just came up and kissed me (and stole me away to hide from her friends trying to get her off of me). Not my proudest moments in hindsight, but hey – it opened my eyes and it dawned on me… ‘god damn I’m a sexy man beast’ (otherwise known as the typical male ego/narcissistic tendencies flaring up) – But you know what? I lost that flame during my long relationship, but ever since I got it back, that’s one thing I have not lost since. Find your Beyonce ‘fierce’ and get going.

And lastly – think hard into whether you really ‘love’ him or not. I see the word ‘love’ being thrown around like a sure-thing pickup line at a dive bar. Real love takes time to develop, a real caring. Just because he makes you feel all warm and cuddly inside doesn’t make ‘love’, well it makes love, but not the love we’re talking about…

JeffVader's avatar

@Heartbroken I agree wholeheatedly with what @Idknown has written above. The key thing is getting over that initial pain, & the only way to do this is absence. Dont see him, dont txt, if he txts you delete it without reading. Until you’ve had this breathing space the pain will remain fresh.

Heartbroken's avatar

I am a attractive girl and want to know if it will help to make him jelous or will that just push him away more?

Idknown's avatar

@Heartbroken If you’re half as attractive as you say you are – we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Although, in my experience, it is the prettier ones that tends to have self-confidence issues being that the reliance is mostly on their looks to get their way.

I don’t see what’s so great about this guy, so special that someone else say ME? does not have. There are so many men out there who will treat you right, yet you insist he’s the only one out there.

You are blinded. I don’t normally wish ill on people, but I hope he breaks your heart again and again, till you either crawl up a hole, never to come out, or emerge victorious finally after seeing the big picture.

Making him jealous won’t push him away. Hell – it might even make him realize something. But my advice: Don’t bother. Instead of focusing so hard on making him jealous why don’t you do yourself a favor and focus on actually finding a guy that will make you happy.

That will make him jealous anyway – but this way – it might JUST turn out, just MAYBE, you’ll see that this new guy can make you happy too – or even happier (as he would not have cheated on you like the last guy).

If I ever saw two birds with one stone…

JeffVader's avatar

@Heartbroken Let me ask you… if you had been seeing somone on the rebound from a big relationship. & this rebound person started flirting with other girls, would it bother you?

Idknown's avatar

@JeffVader ahh yes – good point. LOL – made me realized another!

What if you were the girl designed to make the ex feel jealous? Genius, I didn’t even think of that!

So what now @Heartbroken? Time to spread the hurt around?

Sorry for being such a dick – but you seriously aren’t taking the advice around here and you’re just looking for an answer that’ll fit the perfect picture you’ve built for yourself.

Heartbroken's avatar

Hahaha, u guys are harsh, but yes your right, im singel, hot, and youngh $#%$ this Shit, if he wants to be with someone like that, i say goodluck, because your going to need it!!!

JeffVader's avatar

@Heartbroken Nice one hotstuff!

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