Can we declare today as LMAO day and have everyone contribute at least one joke?
I think we could all use some light moments, so why don’t we all contribute a joke so we can all get a little laugh out of life?
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62 Answers
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
How do you get a liberal-arts grad off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.
Why don’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ‘Watch that wall!’
A man walks in on his wife blow drying her pussy. He asks her what she is doing, and she replies.“Warming up your dinner” lol
Your next chubby? You do have a death wish. Professional courtesy? Excellent.
A golfer hits his ball behind the barn that the course uses to store the carts. His wife, walking the course with him, offers to open the barn doors so he can get a direct shot at the green. He shanks the shot, hits a beam, and the ball comes back and hits his wife, killing her. A few weeks later, he is playing the same course with another golfer, and he hits the ball into the same spot behind the barn. His partner offers to open the barn doors for him so he can go for the green. No thanks he says, last time I tried that I took a seven on this hole.
How many pancakes does it take to get to the moon?
NONE! SNAKES DONT HAVE ARMPITS!!!
The scene is the crucifixiton. Jesus is nailed to the cross. Guards surround the cross, preventing anyone from trying to rescue the Lord. A crowd surrounds them.
Jesus’ head raises a bit, and he calls out “Thomas!”
Thomas’ head pops up in the back of the crowd. He tries to run up to the cross, but the soldiers catch him, and cut off his legs.
Again, Jesus calls out “Thomas!”. Badly bleeding, but still determined, Thomas crawls to the base of the cross, below the line of vision of the guards. He looks up, and says “Yes, Lord?”
Jesus looks down, and says “Hey, Thomas! I can see your house from here.”
Did you know Chuck Norris secretly has sex with every woman on the planet once a month?
That’s why they bleed for 3 days.
@filmfann Three days?! Bhahahahah. lol. That in itself is a joke.
Q: What is yellow, sticky and smells of bananas?
A: Monkey sick!
A priest registers into a hotel and asks the receptionist, “Is the porn channel in my room disabled?” The receptionist makes a disgusted face and replies, “No, it’s ordinary porn, you perv!”
What’s the Hustler definition of clitoris? A haired trigger.
How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
E-I-E-I-O.
@jonsblond: Ah, blonde jokes! Here’s one for you. ;)
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde break out of prison. They hide out in a local barn. The police come into the barn and hear something from the brunette’s hiding place. They walk over and the brunette clucks like a chicken. “Oh,” says one police man to the other, “it’s just a chicken.” They hear something from the redhead’s hiding spot and walk over. the redhead quacks like a duck. “Oh,” says one police man to the other, “it’s just a duck.” They then hear something from the blonde’s hiding place and walk over. The blonde says, “Potato potato!”
A pedophile, child molester, and a priest walks into a bar…...
and that was just the first guy…
Q.Why did the man cross the road?
A. Why do they do anything?
Q.Why do fewer women than men contract HIV?
A. We don’t f**k assholes, we marry them.
A cowboy has been seeing an Indian prostitute on a regular basis. He always brings her a bushel of corn, but she only lets him fuck her in the ass. One day, he walks into the tepee, and she’s letting another cowboy fuck her in the pussy. The cowboy gets up after he is done and hands her some cash. The first cowboy sets down his bushel of corn and gets all excited, thinking he’s going to get the same. She looks at the corn, points to her pussy and says“This is the money hole”, points to her asshole “This is the cornhole”
Latest joke form Popbitch, for all you Brits and Anglophiles out there:
Q: What’s the difference between Lenny Henry and Thierry Henry?
A: Thierry Henry’s still f%$#^g French.
Old husband and wife in Florida are talking what-ifs:
He: If I die, do you think you’ll get married again?
She: Probably
He: Would you let him live in my house?
She: Yes
He: Would you let him sleep in my bed?
She: Yes
He: Would you let him drive my car?
She: Yes
He: Would you let him use my golf clubs?
She: No. He doesn’t play golf!
@ChazMaz… God you can do better then that, lol Thats not a joke.lol
What does a coffin & a condom have in common?
They’re both filled with a stiffy only one’s coming & one’s going.
Speaking of coffee.
I like my women how I like my coffee. Puerto Rican.
I like my men how I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
Ya know, it is not good to put coffee in the freezer. ;-)
How about a dark cupboard.
What is a yankee?
Same as a quickie but guys can do it alone.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well it’s not hard.
I love defenceless animals
especially in gravy.
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Madame!
Madame who?
M’damn toe is caught under the door!
@KatawaGrey Ow. That’s (no pun intended) cold. And yes, I’m LMAO. What a great day.
At an international meeting of chefs in the early 1800’s a chap from England introduced a condiment sauce that he encountered in India. When the chef from New Orleans tasted it he is said to have stated:
“Hey! Wha’s dis heah sauce?”
@Yetanotheruser: Hahaha, took me a minute to get it but that’s funny.
A hunter is hunting deer off season. He shoots on and throws it over his shoulder to take back to his car. As he’s walking to his car, a ranger approaches him and says, “You know it’s illegal to hunt deer this time of year, right?” The hunter responds that he does. The ranger says, “Have you been hunting deer?” The hunter replies that he has not. The ranger gestures to the carcass on the hunter’s shoulder and says, “Then what’s that?” The hunter looks at his shoulder and starts yelling, “Get it off! get it off!”
How are women and frying pans alike? You have to get them hot before you put your meat in.
@KatawaGrey and yes, you can kick my ass for a bad sexist joke.
Guy walks into a bar with a big ol’ frog on his shoulder. The bartender looks up and says “Holy crap, where did that come from?” The frog sighs and says “I don’t know, it started out as a bump on my ass.”
@KatawaGrey A little bit. I’m trying to be more aware of it. Between you and Simone I’ve learned a little.
A guy goes to visit the match between Manchester United and Liverpool.
It’s the FA cup final and the stadium is completely sold out.
When he reaches his place he is astounded to see that next to the man sitting left of him there is an free seat.
“I thought it was sold out today.” he says to the guy.
-“Yes it is, but my wife and i have season tickets with reserved chairs, but sadly my wife has passed away, hence the empty seat.”
“I see, but for sure there must be someone in your family or friends that would like to come here with you, to enjoy the game?”
-“Probably, but they all went to the funeral.”
@Adirondackwannabe: As long as you are aware and don’t make those kinds of comments too often, it’s forgiveable. :)
Why did the blonde have square boobs?
She didn’t take the tissues out of the box.
How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she’s pregnant.
The best gay joke I have ever heard:
Gays invented sports. Just look at boxing. Two topless men in silk shorts, fighting over a belt and a purse.
Okay, so not a joke per se, but I heard it in a stand up comedy routine and thought you all might like it. :)
All the animals went aboard Noah’s Arc in pairs. Except the worms.
They went in apples.
Dyslexic devil worshipers sell their souls to Santa.
What do you call a private jet full of lawyers that crashes in the ocean?
A good start.
Heello iss thhhaat thhe shhopp I bboughht thhe vibbrrratttorrr frrromm.
Caannn youu tttelll meee hhoww tttooo ttturrrn thhhhe ffffuckkkinnnng thhhinnnggg offff ppppleeeassse!!!!!!!
You know how to keep Fluther users in suspense?
Instead of a joke, I have…word games!
Welcome to my new porn and booze shop…
Red Hot Pussy
Liquors
Liquor in the front! Poker in the back!
—
Ever notice how the word bed looks like a bed?
bed
Creeepy…
kay I’m done
Welcome to our ool. Notice there is no “P” in it. Let’s keep it that way.
3 guys are drinking at a bar near the edge of a cliff. The first guy turns to the second guy and says, I bet you if I drink this beer, I can fly.
Second guy looks at the first guy and says, You’re on.
First guy downs the beer, goes outside, jumps off the cliff, flies around, and then comes back. Second guy looks impressed and says, I tell you what.. I bet if I drink this beer, I can fly.
First guy says, You’re on.
Second guy downs his beer, goes outside, jumps off the cliff, and goes ~SPLAT!~
Third guy turns to the first guy and says, You know, Superman, you can be a real asshole when you drink.
A Buddist Monk walks up to a hot dog stand, pays $5.00 and says “Make me one with everything…”
The vendor hands him the hot dog, and the monk asks for his change.
The vendor says “Change must come from within!”
Three female construction workers sitting thirty floors up eating their lunches. Brunette looks and says “My husband keeps giving me these crappy salads. I’m sick of salads. I’m telling him tonight, if he gives me another salad, I’m killing myself.” Redhead looks and says, yeah, mine keeps giving me soup in a thermos. And cottage cheese. I’m telling mine too, no more or I’m going to jump.” Blond looks and says “Me too! I’m tired of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!”
Nect day, they all sit together again on the girders. Brunette takes one look and says “That’s IT!”, and jumps to her death. Redhead looks, and sees soup in a thermos and cottage cheese, wails in despair and jumps to her death. blond looks and sees pb&j, and jumps to her death. Days later at the combined memorial, the grieving husbands get together. Brunettes husband sobs “I didn’t think she meant it, I just wanted her to have a healthy lunch, I wish I had given her a big ham sandwich!” Redheads husband nods, “Who knew? I wish I had brought her a hot lunch from home.” Breaks down in tears. Blond’s husband shakes his head “I knew I shouldn’t have let her pack her own lunch…”
A banjo player knocks at your door…
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What’s the most important factor in telling jokesTiming.
Two men walk into a bar and sit down together at a table.
The first man goes to the bar and says: “I’ll have a beer, and a whiskey for the donkey please”. Slightly confused, the barman serves his drinks.
Later, the second man goes to the bar and orders the same again.
“You know, earlier your friend referred to you as ‘the donkey’”, says the barman.
“Don’t worry”, says the man, ”eeyore eeyore eeyore ways calls me that!”.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender gives him a funny look and asks, “You know you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “Aaarrrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
^speaking of which
I love this shirt
@jeanmay You’re on a roll this mroning – or is a bagel?
Then there’s the magician who was walking down the street and turned into a bar.
Husband; How about we have an early night tonight?
Wife; Not tonight dear, I have a doctors apppointment, and I want down below all clean and tidy.
Husband; Wel , your not going to the Dentist!
@janbb Those are all I’ve got! (No rolls or bagels due to tummy bug, bleurgh)
Knock-Knock!
Who’s there?
Banana!
Banana who?...
Knock-Knock!
Who’s there?
Banana!
Banana who?…
Knock-Knock!
WHO’S THERE?
Banana!
WHO’S THERE?...
Knock-Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange!
Orange who?
“Orange-ya glad I didn’t say “Banana”?
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