General Question

KDW's avatar

My brand new husband has a joint burial stone with his late wife. What do I do?

Asked by KDW (31points) May 12th, 2010

We were both widowed in our 50s after long marriages. My first husband was creamated and his ashes scattered.
New husband and I are very much in love. If he dies first, how do I bury him with his first wife, under a joint headstone?

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28 Answers

Sophief's avatar

Is it joint by law i.e in the will?

EmpressPixie's avatar

This is something that ultimately, you’ll have to discuss with your husband. You should both be at peace with the final decision. If he is strongly adamant that he wants to be buried under a joint headstone with his first wife, then when the time comes you—or his family—will put him there with love.

Jewel's avatar

Talk with him. Ask him what he expects. Tell him how you feel about it.

MrItty's avatar

This is not a question for us. This is a question for him.

bummer's avatar

The old life is over. Go with your husband and pay tribute to his deceased first wife. Ask him what he would like for you to do with his remains and tell him what you prefer for your own. Honor each other.

cookieman's avatar

I agree that you need to speak with him about it. If he still feels the need to be buried alongside his late wife, he should be able to articulate a good reason for it. It may just be that he hasn’t thought of changing the arrangement. Only he would know.

I don’t want to assume what your beliefs regarding death are, but I can say that I wouldn’t stress over it. After all…you have him for the remainder of his life.

MacBean's avatar

If you’re really very much in love, you’ll talk to him about this, instead of us, and do what he wants even if it’s a little painful for you. Also, you probably should have talked to him about this before now, since it bothers you.

KDW's avatar

We have talked about it several times. He says it will take time for us to know what feels right. He knows my heart sinks when I think of it and he would like to alleviate my sadness over it but it feels as though it’s taking something away from late wife.

john65pennington's avatar

If the cemetery lot has another location in your town, ask you husband to transfer his burial plot to that location. this is done quite often in situations like this.

KDW's avatar

What does he do with the large joint stone that has his surname name arched over the top and only her side carved?

chyna's avatar

@KDW Good point. No one else will buy that plot, but if he is willing to get another plot with you elsewhere, it’s just something he will have to eat the cost on. If nothing else, pehaps one of his children, if he has any, will take that plot if they are not married.

KDW's avatar

It’s such a married couple stone. He does have daughters, but it’s hard to think of them passing. We do talk about the alternatives but even he doesn’t know the best answer.

gemiwing's avatar

Why not cremation, then the ashes may be split evenly between you and his first wife. Markers at both sites as well- as a legacy to his life.

KDW's avatar

I’m going to have to go now but I will check for more responses later today. Thanks to everyone who responded. He doesn’t want to be cremated – no one in his family does that. Thanks all.

jazmina88's avatar

enjoy life with him…..dont worry about that…..for awhile.

if they had children, maybe their children deserve to respect their parents.

Coloma's avatar

Yes, I wouldn’t stress over this, after all, dead is dead, enjoy him now and if he proceeds you in death I see no issue with utilizing his pre-selected gravesite.

Maybe you can purchase a plot in the family tomb as well. lol

Seriously…I can’t see how burying him next to his 1st wife should be a concern, how can one be jealous of a deceased woman?

CMaz's avatar

He dies, being dead. You do what you feel is best for you. The living.

casheroo's avatar

Sounds like that’s what was planned for him and his first wife. I don’t see why it would upset you. I’m sure he loved her very much, and I’m sure he loves you if he married you..but you need to discuss this with him. And be prepared to hear that he still wants to buried next to her.

skfinkel's avatar

Let it go. While you are both alive, enjoy yourselves. You can have fun and respect his earlier relationship as well. Maybe after 20 years, he’ll surprise you and change his mind, although I doubt it. I am a widow and I have a little grave plot next to my husband. I can’t imagine changing my burial plans, especially since my children will be able to find both of us there. But, life calls, and this is what is important now.

wonderingwhy's avatar

If it was me, I’d just accept it and not let it interfere with my life or my relationship. If his wish is to be buried in a certain location, support him and let him know that he can count on you.

MrsDufresne's avatar

Well, if I was in your position, I would request my burial spot to be on the other side of him.

All kidding aside, I agree with @EmpressPixie that this is something that you need to discuss thoroughly with him. If he knows this bothers you, and is not considerate of your feelings, then maybe the two of you should think about this separately. Write down that things that bother you, and write down all of your feelings about it, and share it with him during a time when both of you are open to constructive communication.
All the best to you.

Silhouette's avatar

It won’t take anything away from your love to bury him next to his first wife. Maybe she had a hand in turing him into the man you love, share him with her. Have your ashes scattered on his grave.

Coloma's avatar


Excellent point/insight.

I am sure she had plenty invested in teaching that man! haha

KDW's avatar

Thanks all. It’s just such a hard issue. I understand that good husbands by nature are protective, in life and in death. No, I won’t have my ashes scattered on his grave. I would be scattered with my late husband’s ashes, if he doesn’t make any changes in his burial arrangements.

KDW's avatar

But I’m a new bride. My preference would be to be buried with him. Should I change my name to his or not?

trailsillustrated's avatar

If you have kids don’t change your name. How about being buried next to them with your own stone, ‘loving wife of” ?

perspicacious's avatar

Well, if he dies before you do, you can do whatever you want to.

KDW's avatar

Issue came up again while watching a movie that included burial of late wife with a single tombstone. My heart sank. I told husband how I feel. He will buy another double plot for us in different cemetery if I wish. Now I wonder if he and/or his daughters will resent me for it.
Yes, I know, I do appreciate our life together. Should I just try harder to be gracious about his burial plans with his late wife under a very married double tombstone? Or is this just too much to ask of me?

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