General Question

M1nus's avatar

Should I feel guilty about not liking my best friend anymore?

Asked by M1nus (13points) September 2nd, 2010

Man I have been best friends with him since about 1st grade we are both 19 now. For the last year or two we have been steadily growing apart. He had a girlfriend and would ditch me to hang out with her which is understandable but now he wants to start chilling again but I don’t want to hang with him anymore. I have nothing in common with him anymore but he lost all of his friends because he was with his girlfriend so much. I feel bad that I don’t want to hang with him since we were best friends for years but I really don’t want to hang with him to be honest. What should I do?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

20 Answers

KhiaKarma's avatar

You don’t have to commit to being best pals again, maybe you could view it as “getting together for old time’s sake” then see how it goes from there. Friendships often change in intensity over time. You may have a time in your life when you’ll need an old friend.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I sounds like he’s trying to get his life back. You don’t have to take him back as your best friend, but is there something that you can do together occasionally? People do grow apart, but sometimes, with old friends, you have to renegotiate the relationship. Talk to him about how you’ve changed in the time he was only hanging out with his girlfriend.

WestRiverrat's avatar

All relationships have peaks and valleys. You don’t have to go back to being best friends, but you should not blow off the relationship totally. Your befriending him now may be the one thing he needs to get his life grounded again.

As @KhiaKarma noted, there might come a time when you will need him to be there for you again. If you are not there for him now, he may not be there for you then.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Doesn’t sound like you were a very good friend to him in the first place. No reason to start being a good friend to him now. Sounds like you were jealous, and now you are spiteful.

Sounds like it really hurt you that he found a girl. That’s understandable. But that’s the way boys act. Men are happy for their friends when they find something good. Boys hold grudges because their pride has been hurt. So boys don’t really know what they are talking about when they say “best friends” other than, “I’m your best friend as long as you act the way I think you should”.

Men understand these things better than boys. Men who are best friends can pick up right where they left off even after spending years apart. Men understand that things will never be the same as when they were boys.

Ben_Dover's avatar

Do yourself a favor and pay no attention to people telling you that you weren’t a friend in the first place.
If you no longer want to hang with this dude, then don’t. Many so-called friends prove to be anchors around your neck. You are wise and lucky when you see this and dump them before they drag you down with them.

Stick to your guns. Ignore bad advice.

M1nus's avatar

To be honest I wasn’t jealous of him at all he hasn’t changed one bit since we were hanging out I was the one that changed I listen to different music found a new group of friends started drinking and going to parties a lot. I’ve changed completely from those 2 years.

I know I was a good friend. I treated him the way he treated me, with respect we were great friends i trusted him with my life and he would trust me with his life.

Also he is still with his girlfriend its just that he realized that he lost all of his friends.

I’m not shooting him down either he is a great person its just I don’t have anything in common with him anymore.

lillycoyote's avatar

No, I don’t think you should feel guilty. Friendship; real, good, lasting friendships are so rare and precious that they should never be tossed away casually, in my opinion, but people change, people grow apart and away from each other and sometimes people are just not good for each other. There is no reason to sustain a friendship that is unhealthy and once it is done, no reason to feel guilty about it. But, if it is only a matter of him blowing you off because he had a girlfriend, and now that he doesn’t or the relationship is no longer in it’s really intense phase and he’s back, well, people do that all the time. Only you can decide whether that is a deal breaker.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

”...we were great friends i trusted him with my life and he would trust me with his life.”

The problem is that you didn’t trust him with his life.

M1nus's avatar

I’m not even gonna argue with you I know I was a good friend to him and he was a good friend to me. All it is is that we grew apart and I changed and I no longer have anything in common with him and I do feel guilty about it.

skfinkel's avatar

Lots of people grow apart, and it doesn’t mean that what they had before wasn’t terrific. It sounds like you have a different kind of crowd now (drinking and all), and you don’t want to hang out with him, maybe because he doesn’t want to drink? or isn’t crazy about your new friends? or just because. Try and think real hard why it might be that you don’t think you like him any more, then just spend time with him or don’t. Guilt doesn’t have to be a part of it. He will find new friends, just like you have.

lilikoi's avatar


If you two were such good friends, you would want to find common ground with him again.

How do you know you have nothing in common anymore? That’s not really a legitimate reason for calling a friendship quits. I can find something I have in common with everyone – from the guy sleeping under cardboard on the street to the CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

Sometimes what we have in common isn’t enough to make us best friends, sometimes despite having much in common we just don’t get along for other reasons. But never is it purely because we have nothing in common.

If you honestly believe you have nothing in common, you haven’t dug deep enough.

Be honest with yourself. What’s the real reason you’re over it?

Agree that you don’t need to feel guilty about growing apart. But be honest; don’t hide behind ‘we have nothing in common’.

Adagio's avatar

I don’t think you should feel a scrap of guilt about and not wanting to be best buddies anymore, some sadness may be but not guilt. Neither do I feel it is necessary to justify your actions/feelings to anybody who questions whether you were a good friend. If you feel you treated him respectfully, blow what anyone else says, no need to defend yourself against people who don’t know you. Good luck @M1nus, life is just beginning…

M1nus's avatar

To be honest I feel guilty that I have new friends and whenever I tried to invite him to a party with my friends hes awkward doesn’t say hello to anyone doesn’t know anyone there so he tags along with me but he is so uptight that he is no’t fun to be around. I also feel a bit guilty that I experimented with drugs. I tried to keep him away from it as much as possible he was around when some of my friends were smoking some pot and someone offered it to him and I said no if he wanted some he would ask for it I HATE PEER PRESSURE.

I know hes has growing anger toward me for not hanging with him but I really just don’t want to I can’t pinpoint what it is and it has been driving me insane but i would rather just be at home alone than hanging with him.

I’m gonna call him up this weekend to give it a final shot hang with him and talk about how I feel and be honest with him and if our friendship grows stronger then great but if it doesn’t then it was a great run.

Thank you @Adagio its just so hard to just let go of a friend i have known for so long =/.

Cruiser's avatar

Stay in touch with him….y’all are still pretty young and restless and you never know who will score it big and you just might want to know him in case he does!

WestRiverrat's avatar

Don’t take him to a party or try to get him to be friends with your new friends. Not all of your friends have to like to do the same things. I have several friends that don’t get along with each other, but I don’t stop seeing one group because of the other.

Meet him for coffee or lunch, just you and him and talk about your issues with each other. Try to be honest and nonjudgemental about what is brought up. You may end up not being friends, you may find new shared interests to build on.

asmonet's avatar

Sounds like you have guilt from your own behavior and don’t want someone who knew you ‘before’ to see you now. If you’re not okay with who you are now, you’re not gonna want a reminder of what you used to be. That’s all I’m getting from all of your posts. That and excuses.

Work on your own shit, the guy just wants to be in your life. Whine about it some more if you want but you sound kind of ridiculous.

Poor you, having people who care about you and want to be a part of your life.

You’re not 5. Be friends with him or don’t, you’re not obligated to do either. Just be nice, whatever you decide.

lilikoi's avatar


- Your friends don’t have to be friends. You can maintain different friends from different groups with conflicting interests by hanging out with them separately. Just because he doesn’t get along or fit in with your other friends doesn’t mean you can’t be his friend. @WestRiverrat makes good suggestions.

- It is probably not his fault that he’s “uptight”. Maybe he is introverted and shy and making new friends is not his forte, or maybe he just doesn’t have broad interests and is bored with what your other friends call fun. If so, he probably can’t help it. When he’s older, he may be able to refine his people skills, he may be more fun to hang around and less awkward. Pointing out a person’s flaws goes nowhere. If you can get past your own irritation about it, being understanding about who he is and what his strengths and shortcomings are might help the situation. Being supportive and understanding is probably one of the best gifts a friend can give.

- Don’t feel guilty about your lifestyle. If he wants to be your friend, he needs to respect you. You are your lifestyle. He needs to respect that as well. He doesn’t have to be a part of it, but he shouldn’t judge you either. Again, support and understanding go a long way. You should return this respect and not judge his lifestyle. If he wants to be the guy that goes to bed at 8, never has a beer, and wears his pants up to his eyeballs, that doesn’t make him a bad person. He may still enjoy playing football on the weekends, and maybe you do to, and maybe that’s all you need to maintain a friendship.

- If he’s angry at you for avoiding him, the best thing you can do is sit down with him for a face to face discussion about your relationship – with tact.

Honestly, having such discussions can be really hard. It can also be really hard and un-intuitive to be accepting, understanding, and respectful, particularly with someone you don’t agree with or are very different from. I think it helps to constantly remind yourself that he is a person just like you, with feelings and ego. You are both just trying to make your way through this world, and it is as hard for him as it is for you.

In the end, you do what you can, and that’s all you can do.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

If you don’t want to then I don’t think you should. Its not your fault he doesn’t have his friends anymore, he did that to himself.

15acrabm's avatar

Get together again, just once. See if you enjoy yourself. You might. If you do, be pals, but don’t trust him like you used to. If you don’t, and you really have grown apart, let him down easy. When he asks if you are open to do something, tell him you are busy and have a ton of stuff to do at home. Aventually he will give up without having his fealings hurt.

gwendolyn05's avatar

I think you should give it a chance and see how it goes . And besides , it seems like he really needs a friend right now and even tho he screwed up and ditched you allot , people make mistakes and he probably regrets this one

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther