Social Question

charliecompany34's avatar

When sex is used as a weapon, how do you fight back?

Asked by charliecompany34 (7785points) September 22nd, 2010

ever been denied sex with a spouse or partner? does sex or making love bind and connect you or do you abstain from it to make a point? does this really work?

what, in your opinion, could be so dire that sex is just not the answer.

can you resist no matter what? or no matter how mad you are, you know deep down you are a freak and sex cures the pain…

when he/she uses sex as a weapon, how or what do you do to get the ball back in your intercourse, er uh, court?

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35 Answers

rebbel's avatar

If i would start to use sex as a weapon (because i am mad with her?, or seek revenge for something?), then in my book, that would mean that something is seriously wrong with our relationship.
And to be honest, i probably would say the same for other people’s relationships.

Deja_vu's avatar

Not putting out for your partner is usually a sign of other unresolved issues.

poisonedantidote's avatar

I have plenty of practice going without sex, you will lose this game. muahahahaha

marinelife's avatar

It is a warning sign that things are not right in the relationship. You should consider seeking counseling.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

I leave. Using sex as a weapon isn’t appropriate, and it’s important to me that we have similar views on what sex is and isn’t. It isn’t about who’s court the ball is in, it’s about maintaining a healthy relationship.

Coloma's avatar

If it gets to that point, most likely you’re headed for divorce court.
Yep, symbolic of a lot of unresolved issues and baggage under the surface, the usual pile of resentments. haha
Counseling can be great, but, most people don’t get there in time. lol

charliecompany34's avatar

@papayalily my view of sex is bonding. when there is something at issue, you talk it over, work it out and move on. what solidifies that is the soul tie bond. it revitalizes and re-establishes things, get’s stuff back in harmony and sync. i’m well aware what bonding does. how do you get the partner to also see that, you know?

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@charliecompany34 Yeah, I don’t really know how to do that. Views on sex are really important to me in a relationship, so I make a point to not get involved with someone who doesn’t see it the same way as I do so those problems don’t come up.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I’d be upfront about it and then if nothing changed, I’d leave. You don’t fuck around with fucking.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Having sex/making love with my partner feels like it binds and connects us, kind of resets us after stress or busyness. Neither of us believes in abstaining in order to make some point or another. I’m not much good at resisting, even a bad mood can be broken with some TLC. We’ve both been in other serious relationships where sex had a lot of other issues tied up in it so we talk a lot about how not to let that happen between us. We’re old dogs trying learn new tricks.

Zyx's avatar

With sex. It’s versatile that way.

Rarebear's avatar

If a couple is using sex as a weapon it shows me that they have an immature relationship.

YARNLADY's avatar

Walk out the door – You won – YAY

Gamrz360's avatar

With protection…

Ben_Dover's avatar

Using sex as a weapon? Hit me with your best shot is what I would say. But I am more into her actually using sex as a weapon, not withholding sex as a weapon.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Swordfight,anyone? XD

Ben_Dover's avatar

my sword’s longer than yours!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I gave this more thought as it effected me in the past and I can say where sex has been used against me then I’ve said what it is I wanted and gave the person opportunity to step up. In that case they didn’t, they took for granted I would stay with the status quo and a steady stream of apologies and sweet words but I left and found a relationship to give me what I needed without the sexual blackmail and empty words. Sure feels better when people walk their talk!

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

When sex is witheld from a partner….it usually means that something has not been cleared. Men often feel that “sex will fix things” when a woman is still upset about something. If a woman is refusing to have sex with you, then you have to talk about whatever it is that is bothering her. Women really don’t enjoy having sex when they have been disrespected, talked down to…or when they have unresolved issues with their spouse.

You said, “Sex cures the pain.” and “what would be so dire that sex is not the answer”. Sex is the answer when you are communicating and she feels loved. If you have called her a ****** and fought about it or cheated on her or forgotten her anniversary…and this has gone on and on (so that there is a full load of not-nice things) she is really angry and is not so much using sex as a weapon…but is probably not finding you very sexy. Women want to make love to men that make them feel loved. Not that you aren’t sexy okay? What I am saying is that if you made her feel awful…she can turn off…not to spite you, but because she doesn’t want to make love to a guy who isn’t listening to her. Men listen, women find that sexy.

On a practical level (and I don’t mean to be rude):
1. Do you brush your teeth?
2. Do you smell nice?
3. When was the last time you brought her flowers?
4. Do you care about your apprearance?
5. Do you treat her with kindness and respect?

It could be as simple as any of the above.

Instead of trying to have sex to fix things…figure out how to resolve what is really going on beneath the surface that is bothering her. Then, it won’t be an issue.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus Very true. I don’t withhold sex to punish you, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t a myriad of other things that might get in the way of us doing it.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@papayalily….Thanks for seconding my view.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@charliecompany34….The bottom line is…you asked…“How do you fight back?”

You don’t…fighting has nothing to do with it….you have to love back first (not make love)...and that will end your problem.

charliecompany34's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus wow, um, good thing i’m none of that you described up there in your response. actually i’m the communicator, listener and the reconciler.not trying to fix anything with sex, just trying to bond.

charliecompany34's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus i think what i’m trying to get at is what do you do? that’s about it. ya gettin’ technical on me here. definitely not a fighter. quiet as its kept, i’m just getting feedback, but my s.o. could probably use a few helpful hints.

Winters's avatar

well, like the Dave Chapelle show said, “I don’t need you honey, I just beat my dick like it owes me money!”

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Ben_Dover -If it’s not,then I am scared! XD

Cruiser's avatar

You don’t…you run away as fast as you can. Anyone that uses sex as a weapon or a way too manipulate the outcome of a relationship is weak minded or immature and not tuned into what a committed relationship is all about.

Trillian's avatar

As most of me fellow Jellys here have already stated, witholding sex as a means of battle tactics indicates a serious problem. One in which I don’t wish to engage. if I were with a man who felt the need to withold sex or affection, I would probably just leave. I would hope that I wouldn’t be with someone like this to begin with, and I’ve found that people who hold onto unreasonable views like this are generally a waste of time and effort, so reasoning or explaining how somethng like this is detrimental to a relationship changes nothing in the long run. Life is too short.
By all means, if you feel that talk will help in this case, go for it. I predict that it will not.
Some of your comments lead me to believe that there is more going on here that what you stated. Sex is certainly not the answer to everything, and it cannot “cure the pain.” We all have to get up out of bed sometime, and if you are in a relationship based solely on sex, you will find out soon enough that it is not enough to sustain a helathy relationship.
I would also caution you that loving someone is not enough, and that simply loving someone will not end a problem. If that were the case, my ex SO would not be my ex, and he would no longer be addicted to drugs.

kheredia's avatar

I’m sorry, but if I’m angry with my SO because of something he did.. there’s no way i’m going to want to have sex with him until I get over it or he apologizes. It has nothing to do with revenge or trying to “get back at him”. I’m simply not a happy person at that very moment and I would rather not have sex with the person who made me angry. I don’t get the whole using sex as a weapon thing. It sounds kind of immature if you ask me. But I don’t know.. maybe in her head she thinks it’s a good idea.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@charliecompany34 Would she be open to smaller forms of intimacy? Maybe holding hands during a movie or cuddling or just sitting close? Maybe that would help you bond.

There was a Home Improvement episode where Jill said “it’s hard for me to feel close enough to you to have sex if we don’t talk” to which Tim replied “it’s hard for me to feel close enough to you to talk if we don’t have sex”. Is that what’s going on here?

ucme's avatar

I’d unsheath my flesh sabre & yell out En garde!! A fitting & justifiable riposte & no mistake :¬)

Frenchfry's avatar

Sounds childish to me. Holding back sex only hurts the relationship more. It is silly.

charliecompany34's avatar

hey guys: thanks for all the feedback. wish i could fluther you all personally and give you more details, but it’s all good on my end. the homefront is secure and the bed is warm.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@charliecompany34: Not having a Cold Angry Bed is the best thing in the world, congratulations!

Discobitch's avatar

Annoying Bible quotes every day. During breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Text messages with Bible quotes at random moments.

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