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Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

What are the pro's of being married while in the military?

Asked by Lothloriengaladriel (1555points) October 9th, 2010 from iPhone

+baby. My fiancé is joining the army, is it better to be married before or after he leaves to basic and why?

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19 Answers

Nullo's avatar

Military families get free housing and medical (among others) provided that they live on-base. Not the greatest, perhaps, but free is pretty awesome if you’re just starting out.

Seaofclouds's avatar

You won’t be eligible for any benefits or for the housing if you are not married. If you get married before basic, you will most likely be on his first set of orders (unless he gets sent somewhere unaccompanied), meaning the military will pay to move your stuff to his first duty location. If you are not married when his first set of orders are cut, you will not be on those orders, and the military will not pay to move you with him.

Drewseph's avatar

You have something to look forward to when you get home…

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Are you interested in the cons?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel It’ll be hard for you and for him given the new baby. I’d be scared to let my partner go, in general, but especially when a new life is just brought into our world.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

I feel that was as well but it’s been his dream since he was 8 years old, and I also feel it could be a great opportunity for all of us with benefits and such..

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel Well it is a serious decision, hope you make a good one for your family and that he survives it.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

I hope as well, thank you.

Seaofclouds's avatar

If you are truly interested in the cons…

- You will be stationed where ever the military wants you. That could be states away from your friends and family, and even maybe a completely different country.

- He will go away for weeks, months, and sometimes even a year (or more) at a time to places he can’t take him with you.

- He may get stationed somewhere abroad on an unaccompanied tour, meaning you can’t go with him (at least not on the military’s dime).

- The Army can call him in at just about any time they want, any day of the week, and any time of the day. His work day may stretch to be 12 + hours a day depending on the unit he is at and how they handle PT.

- There will be times that you will feel like a single mother. You will be responsible for taking care of the house and your child by yourself (like when he is away).

- There will be many times that you feel like the military comes first, and honestly, sometimes it does, but that isn’t a choice the soldiers really have.

- He will miss holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.

There are many pros in addition to the benefits, but the cons are what lead to divorces. It really takes a strong relationship, with a good foundation of trust and great communication.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

Thank you very much @Seaofclouds very informative, I have heard about the divorce rate but luckily I’m not spoiled so I don’t expect much from him.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel It has nothing to do with being spoiled. It’s about how much you actually need him to be home with you and helping you in raising your children. It’s about how much you need to talk to him (sometimes when they are away, they can’t get in touch with you for days or even weeks at a time). What it really boils down to is how well you handle being alone even when you are in a relationship. Not to mention dealing with the fear and worry when they are in a war zone all while still handling everything else like nothings wrong so that the kids don’t worry as well.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I’m just curious… do you really consider people that expect their spouses to help out and be a part of the family as spoiled? Considering you said, “luckily I’m not spoiled so I don’t expect much from him”, that just seems sad to me. If he is going to be your husband and is the father of your child, you should expect him to be a father and to be a husband and he should want to be those things. What’s the point of getting married if you don’t expect him to be around and be a parent to his child? That statement to me sounds like you are already expecting to do it all alone. If I felt that way, I wouldn’t be getting married.

perg's avatar

@Seaofclouds I think you are reading too much into @Lothloriengaladriel ‘s choice of words. I’m a military brat – one of seven siblings, in fact – but my dad was very much “a father and… a husband” despite his frequent absences during his 30-year career, which directly coincided with the first 30 years of my parents’ marriage which ended only with his death after 50 years. I could interpret your words to mean that you believe military fathers are only capable of being absentee parents and therefore shouldn’t marry the parents of their (already existing) children… but that’d be kind of an overreaction, yes?

YARNLADY's avatar

The biggest pro in my mind is the additional pay that married military personnel get. Most of the cons mentioned above will occur whether married or not.

perg's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel The phrasing of your question makes it sound as though you two plan to marry at some point regardless. If that is correct, a discussion of the pros and cons of being married to someone in the military is somewhat academic, though certainly worth considering. You asked whether it’d be better to do it before or after he actually starts; I’d say do it now if you have time before he leaves, for the reasons @Seaofclouds gave in the second response to your question.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@perg I was in the military and am currently married to a soldier. My response about the cons where due to the separation issues as a wife, and also because of past questions @Lothloriengaladriel has asked about her fiance and their relationship. If you haven’t seen any of them, perhaps you could look at her profile and past questions to get an idea of her relationship questions in the past and an idea of why I have my concerns for her.

Military fathers are very capable of being fathers and that was not what I was saying at all. Military relationships are very rewarding and successful as long as the couple is in it together. If he isn’t into it, it will be a lot more difficult for her. It is different for spouses than it is for children though. Raising children “alone” while your spouse is in a war zone can be very stressful. I’m doing it right now, so my words come from experience with what the military is like right now.

I was pointing out to @Lothloriengaladriel that there will be times when she is doing it on her own and the importance of a solid foundation for a marriage. I would question anyone that said they didn’t expect much from their husband in terms of being there as a husband and a father about why they felt that way and why they would marry someone if they weren’t expecting that person to be an active part of their family. I may have taken her comment farther than necessary, but based on her previous questions about her relationship, I don’t think I’m that far off.

perg's avatar

@Seaofclouds Your very specific first answer led me to understand you were in the military or with someone who is. And I wasn’t accusing you of anything, I was making the point that “that’d be kind of an overreaction.”

I didn’t realize I was supposed to bone up on questioners’ previous questions. Having now checked, I see that @Lothloriengaladriel ‘s previous questions about her relationship were most recently asked in March and that, coupled with her indication that they do plan to get married “before or after he leaves for basic” would lead me to believe past questions have been settled.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@perg You don’t have to bone up on someone’s previous questions. I had seen them before, so I was aware of what has been going on just a few months ago. Yes, things could be all better and if so that’s great. Nonetheless, her comment about not expecting much from him still worries me and would worry me no matter who said it.

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