How can you tell someone you don't want to go to church without being rude?

Is your not wanting to go to church because its Catholic or not wanting to go to church, at all?

In my experience the more specific you get, the more angry they will get. It’s best to just say that it would be hypocritical for you to go to church and deal with the consequences without getting drawn into a debate. I don’t think there is a way to handle this that won’t offend them. That being said, I feel like the fault lies in the ones trying to push you into their beliefs or their church and then getting angry when you don’t want them.

Have you shared these sentiments with your girlfriend’s mother? Communicating honestly and directly is typically the best route. Invite her to sit down and explain: 1) your experience attending church in your youth; 2) how you do not want to feel obligated to attend church now; 3) that this decision is not meant as a personal attack against her or her religious beliefs, but a matter of personal comfort. Try to avoid getting into the details of any negative sentiments you hold against Catholicism.

Also, don’t speak for your girlfriend. You didn’t mention in your post whether she wishes to continue attending service or not but in the event that she does not, she needs to raise this issue with her mother separately. If you speak using words like “we don’t want to go” it will get messy fast.

“I can’t go today. Sorry, hope that doesn’t seem rude, but I’ve made a prior commitment to explore another opportunity.”

You never (almost never) have to be “rude” to refuse to do something that you’re not morally or ethically bound to do, or that you haven’t promised to do. I think your reasoning could use a little work. As you present your argument, you seem to be rebelling simply because of simple stubbornness: your parents tried to force it on you, and you rebelled. That’s not a good reason, except for a child. I have very strong beliefs against the Catholic Church, but I’ve gone willingly with a girlfriend to witness events that were important to her.

Have you thought about religion? Do you have any principles that are in opposition to the Catholic Church? If so, then it would not be amiss to say that “your beliefs” are in opposition to theirs (as @crazyivan suggests, you don’t need to be more specific than that).

As it is, your reasons for not going now are poor ones—although they are your reasons, and for most people that should be good enough. But if your girlfriend’s mom is a highly religious woman, as she seems to be, then you’re going to have a hard time getting along with that family long term, and put your girlfriend in an awkward position if she wants to get along with you and with her mom.

So I’d ask myself (if I were you) just what my beliefs were, and whether I wanted to get along with my girlfriend’s mom (and therefore, get along better with my girlfriend), whether I was or was not a Catholic, and make the decision accordingly… not just refuse “because I didn’t like being made to go as a child”.

“Thank you for the invitation, but I don’t feel right attending services when I have no interest in being there.”

This is another thing that really bothers me about people that go to church. (I go to church and I believe, but there are many things that bother me about “religious” people.)
Why should she be mad that you aren’t going? Would she expect you to get mad because she asked or insisted you go? You can just say “This isn’t something I want to do at this time in my life. Maybe I’ll rethink this at another time, but you getting mad isn’t going to make me want to attend.”

Thank you guys, I appreciate the invitation, but I can’t come . . . ”

That’s it. No need to explain. You just can’t come.

You shouldn’t have to justify yourself. Just tell her no thank you. If she keeps pushing you may want to be more direct and let her know that the answer isn’t going to change the 3rd, 10th or 100th time she asks, though your patience with her might.

No, thank you.

I don’t believe in that stuff. Thank you for the invite.

Don’t explain anything.

Don’t invent an excuse.

Don’t hold out hope that you might go another day.

Don’t apologize.

Just say no. “No, thanks, I’m really not interested.”

Keep your tone and manner civil, cordial, and mature. No whining, no bleating, no getting pissed off. Speak like a person who’s grown-up enough to know his or her own mind and have his or her her position respected.

Religion is a personal matter. Your parents might think they have a right to insist. Your spouse (someday) might complain if you’ve gone back on a promise to follow a religion. In reality nobody is entitled to force you to perform a religious observance you don’t believe in once you are old enough to take responsibility for your own decisions. In the Catholic church that’s what, age 7?—age of accountability? If you’re over age 7, your friend’s parent has no business getting on you about it.

Now let’s practice:

“No, thanks, I’m really not interested.”
“No, thanks, I’m really not interested.”
“No, thanks, I’m really not interested.”
“No, thanks, I’m really not interested.”
“No, thanks, I’m really not interested.”
.
.
.
etc.

I think it would be helpful if you gave us more info about your relationship with her parents. Like, do you live with them? Does your girlfriend take their side? (Is she religious?)

They’re clearly in the wrong here. They don’t get to force you to go to church. So unless there’s some sort of practical reason why you need to suck up to them, I would just tell them the truth—that you don’t believe in it, and don’t want to go. If they ask for more details about why you’re an unbeliever, don’t be afraid to tell them why. If they get offended, the fault lies with them, not you.

Going to church with your girlfriend in all reality is not much different than having to go to her moms house or her grandma’s house or even to her cousins house for a birthday party that you really really don’t want to go to. This is their Daughter and you want time with her so you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes you just have to go to keep the peace and really simply a choice you have to make! If you are really into her, I would just go and bring a sketch book to occupy your time.

Actually She’s being rude, just say you wont be attending or supporting an institution that doesn’t consider the rape of innocent children a criminal offense, punishable by the full extent of the law. Simple really.

Listen to Queen @Jeruba. She speaks the truth and always takes the high road.
Just say, “Thank you for the invitation but I am not interested.” No matter what they come back with, no matter what they ask, no matter how they try to manipulate, your answer is:
“Thank you for the invitation but I am not interested.”
Do not engage or criticize.
“Thank you for the invitation but I am not interested.”

This is a question that needs to be worked out directly with your girlfriend’s mother, after you work it out with your girlfriend. Does it matter to your girlfriend? If yes, then her mother is just helping her get what she wants. You will need to attend church if you want the girl. If not, then you need to talk directly with her mother and explain that the choice of religion is personal and you and your girlfriend will be making your own choices. It may not be the easiest of conversations, but I think one worth having soon. If you do decide to marry this girl, this kind of dynamic might be a feature of the marriage, and you will want to have it out and in the open right from the beginning.

@Cruiser re ” If you are really into her, I would just go and bring a sketch book to occupy your time.”

Which is more rude? “No, thanks, I’m really not interested.” – or taking a sketch book and sitting there drawing in church?

Have you asked your girlfriend what she would prefer? No one is forcing you to accept the religion as your own, but at the same time you shouldn’t have to go to church to make this woman happy. However, if both you and your girlfriend are teenagers, she may be catching hell for you not going. Is your girlfriend’s mom the type that could stop her from dating you?

Being a teenager sucks a lot of the time, and mostly because you sometimes have to go along with what the “grown ups” (I use the term loosely) say. If your girlfriend’s life would be made easier with you just going along, go along – but make sure she knows how you feel about the church, and make sure you know how she feels. When you all are out on your own, then you don’t have to worry whether or not this woman is mad or not (well, at least in theory).

@laureth Really what is ruder….going to something you really do not want to go to or simply saying “no thank you, nah, not for me and I’d really rather not go at all”?? I think everyone here has had to sit through more than one “engagement” that we would rather have bamboo shoots shoved under our fingernails than go to and went anyway just for them!! A sketch book is simply a great way to document the finer moments of those miserable outings we so graciously went to anyway!!

I think the first word of the question is significant: recently. “Recently my girlfriend’s mom has been making her and [me] go to church.” This is not someting that has been in place all along and was part of the deal from the beginning. This is something that has just come up. The mother has taken a notion into her head and now all of a sudden the young people have to go to church. This is for her, not for them.

If a person doesn’t mind pleasing and accommodating a friend’s family and has no objection, by all means go along with it. If the person does object, the other person’s parent simply has no authority in the situation. If it’s a matter of setting conditions—holding the daughter hostage and denying access unless a demand for churchgoing is met—that sounds like a relationship to run away from.

“I’m touched by your interest in my eternal salvation. but I was not raised in the Catholic church, and I’m not comfortable there. However, I admire your devotion to your faith, and if I ever feel spirtually moved I will discuss it with you.” Then just keep saying no thank you, until you have to ask her, “Connie, you should become a Jehovah Witness. Why will you not take no for an answer?”

It is not rude to just tell someone that you don’t want to do something.You don’t have to go into detailed reasons either.

No. Going to church to merely to please others is major-league moral dishonesty

Jesus never “got mad” at someone for not wanting to go to church. Why should your friends mother “get mad”?

I completely agree with @Jeruba . Politely decline and stick to it.

@Cruiser I would be very much inclined to agree with you as well, but it would depend on proximity. If the girlfriend’s mom is going to get upset if he doesn’t go to church every week, he needs to put his foot down. If they live in another town and are only expected to go to church when they visit, that’s a bit easier and can probably be suffered through for the sake of family harmony.

@omgwhat If you don’t want to cause too many waves by refusing, however politely, to ever go to church, maybe you can talk to your girlfriend to find a compromise that both you and her mother would be willing to accept. Maybe you can agree to go to church with them on important holidays, plus a few other Sundays a year. I don’t know what religious holidays are most important to Catholics, but I was raised Episcopalian and the big ones were Palm Sunday, Easter, and Christmas. There are probably others that my grandma would be shocked I left out, but those are the ones I remember best!

@MissAusten I agree and apparently @omgwhat is a fine bright guy who is smart enough to realize his situation is complicated and at the very least he has issues with this weekly church commitment! I say good for him and to encourage him to follow his heart as any path he chooses should be pave with his best interests at heart and to see if there is any room for his special SO along the way to come with him on his journey!

Do what @Jeruba says. It’s not rude of you to decline to go, it’s rude of her to insist you go somewhere, church or otherwise.

@Jeruba has a wonderful way of getting to the nugget and examining situations for what they are. She has given you stellar advice and I’d suggest you either take it or explain to yourself why you shouldn’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t.

My best.

I think what is important is how your girlfriend feels about it, and she should be standing up for you. Although, I agree with @Jeruba in all her advice. I also think if you have discussed with your girlfriend that you do not want to go, and she is fine with it, maybe your girlfriend can talk to her mother about not asking you anymore. Her mother might be worried her grandbabies will grow up without church and religion, she might be very freaked. Your girlfriend is going to have to stand her ground that she is ok with it, she is ok that her boyfriend is not very religious, and is not thrilled with Catholic church, or whatever your personal truth is on the matter. In fact you need to know your girlfriend is ok with you not going, and if you are ok with her taking your children if you are thinking you might one day get married and have children.

@Cruiser – if it’s not rude to bring a sketchbook, why not bring along an iPod too? That way, it’s even easier to sit through that sermon if they don’t believe in it anyway. Point is, if you’re going to go but not pay any attention, why go? The sketching is a visible smack in the face to this woman, a woman that he would be going to church in order to not offend.

Another issue I forgot to mention is that I don’t want to go because personally I’m atheist. Also, im starting to get forced by my girlfriend. This is basically what i’ve had to deal with my whole life from my parents.

@omgwhat It sounds like it’s time for you to lay some ground rules.

You don’t need a girlfriend to tell you what to do or to force you into things you don’t want to do. You are still a teenager, life is to short to date a girl that wants to lead you around and tell you how to live your life. Talk to her, tell her how you feel and if she doesn’t like it, you need to move on.

Actually, if she started a Church of @Jeruba I’d consider going to that. If I didn’t have to dress up nice. Or get up early. Or pay too much.

<g> If there were a Church of Jeruba, @CyanoticWasp, you would soon learn that the first rule of membership is “Thou shalt not attend services.”

I would say:

I don’t feel like going to church.

Next time:

I still don’t feel like going to church.

And so on.

When there’s the question why? Just say

I’ve got my reasons.

or

For personal reasons.

Then you could add:

I don’t want to go into the details.

Please, I got my reasons.

And I don’t want to talk about it.

Sorry, no.

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