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BarnacleBill's avatar

What do you consider proof of a friend's spouse's infidelity?

Asked by BarnacleBill (16035 points ) December 27th, 2010

This question is prompted by this question.

What do you consider enough proof to tell a friend that their spouse is cheating? Obviously, walking in on an irrefutable situation – passionate embrace, missing clothing, in the act, is one thing.

What else constitutes enough proof to “tell?” Do you confront the cheater first, so that they know you know, or do you blindside them? What if you misread the situation, and the guy with his arm around her is her brother or cousin?

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19 Answers

chyna's avatar

Good Question. I’m assuming a good friend in this question and not just a casual friend. As you state, a lip lock or nakedness, or in the act is a given of cheating. If I saw my best friends husband with another woman in a questionable position eg: hugging at a bar or restaurant, in a parking lot standing close together, etc., I would make my presence known. I would walk up to him and he would have to introduce me or at least tell me who she is.

diavolobella's avatar

If I saw truly irrefutable evidence of the spouse cheating and this was the spouse of a really good friend, I would tell them they have x amount of time to ‘fess up on their own or I’ll tell my friend about it myself. I would hope if the situation were reversed that my friend would do the same for me.

As far as what constitutes irrefutable evidence, I’m not sure how to describe it, but I’d know it when I saw it.

KatawaGrey's avatar

I think it depends entirely on my relationship with each of the people in the relationship. If I am a good friend of the suspected cheater, I would go up to him/her and say something like, “What’s up with that text/call/hug/act that could be interpreted badly?” However, if I was better friends with the other person, I might pull that person aside and ask them if there was an old friend or some such in town. If that were the case, I wouldn’t worry so much about a lingering hug or a certain familiarity that he/she lacked with other people.

Honestly, I’m not sure what I would consider irrefutable proof. Since I can be pretty dense about these things, it would probably have to be something like a text saying “I can’t wait to see you naked” or something else incredibly obvious.

AmWiser's avatar

The only irrefutable evidence in my relationship would be for my SO to walk up to me and touch me while I’m in the throes of passion before I can be accused of cheating. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Kardamom's avatar

I’ve never seen anyone passionately kiss his sister or mother or cousin, so if I saw a passionate kiss taking place, I would be inclined to think that the person was cheating. I would also probably ask my friend if her spouse had a “guest” in town. If she didn’t know of any “guests” being in town then I would likely tell her what I saw, and in what context.

Also, if I saw the spouse pull into a parking lot, restaurant or hotel or other place that he wouldn’t normally be, without my friend, I would have the same reaction.

Not sure how I would accidentally come across the potential cheater’s text message or posting unless the poster forgot to “hide” the post from me on FB or something like that.

If I overheard the spouse saying something like, “Hey baby, I can’t wait to get you home and make love to you.” or “Last night was so great! Let’s go to a hotel and do it again.” I would take that as a pretty good idea that the spouse was having an affair. Again, I would go to my friend and ask her if there was a guest, or relative or old friend in town visiting her spouse. If she said no, I would proceed gently and tell her what I saw/heard.

My best friend’s boyfriend was cheating on her, which was pretty difficult for him to pull off, because my friend or me or other mutual friends of ours were with him most of the time when he wasn’t with my friend (like when she was at work). But he managed to hook up with some woman anyway. It was the woman, herself, who actually told my friend what was going on. My friend would have died, if I had known about this situation and had not told her about it. I was just as shocked as she was.

Eggie's avatar

I would consider proof such as kissing, leaving a hotel room together or seeing them in a sexual act together. As far as telling the persons significant other which happens to be my friend, I don’t think that I would. sorry but thats just my opinion

wundayatta's avatar

I think I might look at it the other way around. I’d ask my friend how things are going with the spouse. If they don’t notice anything different, then I don’t care what I see. It’s not relevant. If my friends says something’s wrong in the relationship, then I might describe what I’ve seen, without drawing any conclusions.

This is what I would do whether I caught the spouse in flagrante dillecto or sending off an inappropriate email.

Cruiser's avatar

Finding the clown nose in his pocket/her purse is all the evidence you or they will need!! BUSTED!!

ratboy's avatar

I consider infidelity proved when I am the partner in adultery. Why the double standard? Adultery is deplored while infancy is adored.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I have a real problem with being the one to tell. I figure, if the SO is a jerk like that, their spouse will figure it out on their own eventually….and, in fact, probably already has suspicions. If, however, the spouse says something to me like, “I have a feel I’m being cheated on…” I think I would say something then. But to just call them up with “Hey!”...no. It just doesn’t seem right….

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Proof for me is seeing it with my own eyes- kissing, undress, making out.

I’ve had this situation a few times before and it was horrible because both the cheater and the person being duped were my friends. I told the cheating person that I knew what they were doing, I didn’t like the knowledge and that I expected them to come clean to their partner.

chyna's avatar

My brother had called me and told me his wife left him and told him she was staying in a hotel near my home. He suspected she had a boyfriend but she denied it. I drove over to the hotel and sat in the parking lot for maybe five minutes when I saw her walk out of a room, arm in arm with a man. Ironically, he looked a lot like my brother. I did tell him.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Are they still together @chyna?

chyna's avatar

No, they divorced many years ago. He got the kids.

Kardamom's avatar

@Neizvestnaya Did the cheater (your friend) actually tell his partner (your other friend)? If so, what ultimately happened?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

The cheater did tell her husband and they got divorced. My own husband and I, very very very close friends of the couple kept a relationship with the husband but kept only an acquaintance through others with the cheating wife. It was a horrible experience.

Kardamom's avatar

@Neizvestnaya What a heart-breaking experience for all of you. I think that the cheaters really never think about the fact that their “indiscretions” have a ripple effect.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Kardamom: I agree. The cheater assumed she wouldn’t lose anyone, kind of the I“ve known you longer than he has thing. We lost a couple we’d spent years doing “couple things” with and to learn some of that time was pretending, that hurt us too.

IMO cheaters tune the rest of the world out and make a pact to let chips fall where they may. Our cheating friend was willing to gamble our friendship and respect. So be it.

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