General Question

seekingwolf's avatar

Friend tried to get my boyfriend to cheat on me.

Asked by seekingwolf (10342 points ) May 5th, 2014

Okay, so I’ve actually written about the friend before. “Mooch” on a previous question. He is better but I am still going to refer to him as Mooch for now.

Okay, so yesterday, my boyfriend came up to me and showed me some texts. Mooch is lonely and wants to go to an Asian massage parlour with a happy ending, if you know what I mean. He texted my boyfriend asking if he wanted to come. My boyfriends responded “No, I don’t want to and I’m with seekingwolf so… yeah, that’s cheating.”

Mooch responded with “Well yeah I know you’re with her but you can have something on the side could be fun, blah blah”
Minutes after this exchange, my boyfriend showed me the texts.

Again my boyfriend kept saying no. Mooch kept talking about it but then moved on when my bf stopped responding.

I am very upset. I don’t give a crap if Mooch wants to patronize prostitutes because that’s his own choice and his own life, but I am very upset that he is trying to convince my boyfriend to go and even acknowledged that he knows it’s cheating.

Mooch is one of my boyfriend’s good friends and is in his band, but I also considered Mooch a friend too. I have driven him to the ER when he was very hurt and needed help. I have hung out with him. I have driven him places. I have made him food. I have let him sleep in our apartment when he needed a place to stay the night. So it’s not like I’m this nameless, faceless girlfriend of his friend, I’m a friend too.

I’m just really hurt and sort of angry. My boyfriend is mad too but is worried about how to bring it up without starting drama. If we’re going to bring it up at all. I don’t want Mooch to know I saw the texts but I don’t know what to do.

Am I overreacting? I feel betrayed. How can he encourage my boyfriend to hurt me and expose to disease?

Do I confront or do I slowly try to cut him out of my life?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

20 Answers

seekingwolf's avatar

Mooch used to be an alcoholic and has been sober for a few weeks. My boyfriend wonders if it could be affecting his mood or behaviour. I don’t know. Is that possible?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

With friends like that do you need any enemies? The disease angle would be enough for me to send him packing. Some things are forever.

seekingwolf's avatar

I guess so. :/

Ugh, I never thought that he (or any of my friends) would do this to me. It’s so back-handed.
I bet if I confronted him, he’d just put it off as “Oh I was just kidding” or some BS but I know he wasn’t kidding and was serious.

GloPro's avatar

You have a right to be angry. That being said, how proud are you of your boyfriend? I’m so pleased you have that strong of a relationship and that this situation can strengthen the trust between the two of you.

If I were in your shoes I would not bring it up at all. You aren’t dating Mooch, your boyfriend has proven himself trustworthy (and amazing), and there are a lot of men out there that just don’t believe in monogamy. Some men cover for one another all of the time. Men more easily forgive some flaws in their friends that I would not, such as being a blatant cheater. If your man has no intention of going down that path why would you create drama? Let Mooch choose his own path.

Knowing what you do your friendship with Mooch is bound to change. There is no need to explain why you have become more distant, unless he asks. I doubt he will. If he ever asked you to set him up with a friend I might mention that you don’t feel comfortable doing so because you doubt his ability to be faithful and you don’t agree with that choice. I wouldn’t take it any farther than that.

As for your boyfriend, if Mooch brought it up again first, I’d rip him a new asshole. Otherwise I would let it go.

seekingwolf's avatar

You are right. I think I will just sort of be distant and let it fade away. I told my boyfriend (who has lost respect for Mooch) that while I’m going to let MY friendship with him fade away, I’m not going to say to my boyfriend “No you can’t be friends with Mooch”. I mean, my boyfriend in his spare time is in a band and Mooch is in it. I don’t want to ruin that for him, as much as I’m angry with Mooch, I don’t want to make things harder for my boyfriend.

I’m really proud of my boyfriend, yes. He’s always been really open with me about things like this. I feel very secure in our relationship and this situation shows it. I have not lost any trust in my boyfriend, just mad at Mooch. Mooch could “kidnap” my boyfriend and drag him to one of those sketchy massage parlours and I know my boyfriend wouldn’t do anything sexual. He is committed to me.

So yeah, I won’t say anything. Thanks for the advice. Just wanted to make sure that I’m not overreacting or anything like that.

jca's avatar

I would probably be done helping him and doing him favors if I were you.

seekingwolf's avatar

oh, no worries, I am done. I even told my boyfriend I don’t feel comfortable with him staying the rare night in our apartment because if he can’t respect our relationship, then he can’t sleep on my couch, use our utilities, and eat the food that I buy for us. My boyfriend agreed and said that’s not a problem. If he needs a place to sleep, he can stay over in the band’s rented practice space. Not my problem anymore. Don’t care.

kritiper's avatar

With friends like that, who needs enemies?? This “friend” is no friend!!!

zenvelo's avatar

Kind of a side note but on topic – no one “used to be an alcoholic”; recovery from alcoholism carries with it staying sober. And being sober a few weeks is not enough time to be past one’s alcoholism nor the damage that is done by being an active alcoholic.

Time to set some strict boundaries; you and your boyfriend can tell him he crossed a line; and that he is jeopardizing any chance of putting his drinking behind him by this kind of behavior. And your boyfriend can tell him that he wants no drama, and the best way to avoid any drama is to quit doing stuff like this.

seekingwolf's avatar

Yeah, you’re right, he’s definitely in recovery and not over it.

I really don’t care if he buys prostitutes or not, heck, he can talk to my boyfriend about it, I just wish he didn’t INVITE him along. It’s one thing to do it yourself when you’re single and care so little about yourself to the point that you want to buy a hooker. It’s a whole other thing to invite a guy whose girlfriend you know and are friends with, and you know that they are monogamous.

Ugh, ew.

marinelife's avatar

This guy is a loser and a user and cares only about himself. Don’t talk to him about it. Drop him. Stop socializing with him.

seekingwolf's avatar

Yeah, I’m thinking I’m just gonna drop it and distance myself asap. F him.

seekingwolf's avatar

Update:

I am still angry at Mooch. My mind is still going “F him”.
I have not seen him in a while but my boyfriend is still friends with him but respects that I am not happy with him and no longer consider Mooch a friend.

Lately, Mooch has been trying to talk to me. I don’t know if he thinks something is up or he just is being friendly because, you know, we used to be friends.

Ugh. Don’t know what to do but I’m ignoring him!

jca's avatar

Thanks for the update, @seekingwolf: It seems as if he knows you’re not too thrilled, and maybe he feels a little guilty or paranoid (or both).

seekingwolf's avatar

My boyfriend didn’t tell him that I know about the texts. I think he senses the distance and is trying to reach out.

jca's avatar

@seekingwolf: Right, I realize that. That’s why I said he may be feeling paranoid. He may feel like you do know, somehow (somehow that he can’t fathom).

GloPro's avatar

Men like him are fairly dense (stereotype alert). I’d say he knows you’re being distant, but he has no idea why, or even if it has something to do with him. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear him ask your BF if everything is OK in your relationship.

seekingwolf's avatar

@GloPro

Yeah he’s asked already. A few times actually. My boyfriend told him than we were doing okay. I think he thinks we are struggling.

I’ve noticed that my boyfriend has cooled off the friendship a little ever since this happened. I feel guilty. I don’t want him to cool off a friendship just because of me.

GloPro's avatar

You had nothing to do with it, in my opinion. I wouldn’t feel guilty, and don’t lie to yourself. You want your BF to cool off the friendship.
I’d say you’re plugging away just fine. I wouldn’t change anything.

seekingwolf's avatar

True, I wouldn’t mind if he cooled off the friendship but I DON’T want him to do it for me. I want him to do it for himself. Because he wants to.

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther