Teenage advice?

I’m not sure about the legal grounds, but as long as you are providing shelter and supporting your child, he should abide by the rules of your household.

If he’s 18, you are no longer legally required to offer him shelter. Period. My son used to be like that. He was starting to use drugs, was disrepectful, and so on. We kicked him out. We told him, “We have younger children. They are watching every thing we do with you, and if we let you get away with stuff, we will be sending them the message that “It’s OK. Do what you want kids. You don’t have to bother with house rules or respecting your folks.” It worked, too, but be aware that other people will be offended by your kicking out your oldest. Stick to your guns. It just might be the best thing you ever did for him.

(It was also pretty scary, too, because he lived homeless for a while, and gave us a lot of sleepless nights before he turned around.)

I would try to explain to him your difficult situation and communicate your desire for his support and cooperation for as long as he continues to live with you. If he continues to ignore your directions, tell him technically he no longer has to live in your home.

I am worried that if I kick him out he will not graduate high school. If he doesn’t graduate high school then he can not go into the Marines. He has already signed paperwork with the Marines that says when he graduates he will join. I feel like it is only my husband and I that are fighting to get him graduated and he is just doing what he has to, to get by.

@mamafgna04 Yes, that was our problem too. Eventually he did graduate, but it was a hard job. I feel for you my friend.

See if there’s somewhere else he can live. Does he have another family who would let him live there while he finishes school?

I would not tolerate being disrespected by my child. If he believes he’s an adult, he then needs to pay rent in order to live under my roof. If he doesn’t, I’d give him a 6 month period to find a different place to live.

Well lay down the law and tell him, look when you graduate high school, THEN you’re an adult… Then you can push the rules a bit, then you’ve earned those privileges. He’s not going to cut it in the marines if he can’t obey the rules.

Couldn’t hurt to have the husband give him a good talking to and remind him who’s in charge.

Threaten to put him out. Tell him that if you wont put up with his crap for much longer and that if he thinks he is a man then he should be out on his own. I bet he will change some of the things that he does.

“My house my rules. If you don’t like my rules, get a job and get your own house.”
My Kids heard that from the time they were little.

Hon, he’s 18 now. you have to let go and let him make mistakes, now, before it is too late. Also, you don’t want to suffocate him with rules! If you give him one or two every once and a while, he is more likely to listen. But DO NOT try to FORCE the rules onto him.. remember, he is not a little kid anymore. you can’t just say “because mommy said so” anymore, and you have to get used to that. Let him go out with friends, show him that you trust him. He will come around soon enough! good luck @mamaafgan04 ( :

And also, show him that you believe in him! show him that you KNOW he can and will graduate. It’s all about encouragement. Threats no longer work. they have to be confident and know that there are people who have there back! sit him down and let him know that you know he will do what is right, and you love him and know he will graduate. If something still seems wrong, you may want to try counseling. maybe there is something that is bothering him. communication is key. and i would know, I am a teenager myself. I am 14 years old, and I have had my own problems with my mom, but she let me know that she believed I could improve my grades in school and I did. so try it! And remember @mamaafgan04 , THREATS DON’T WORK !

Choices have consequences. He is an adult. It’s time for him to learn that. If he doesn’t graduate that’s his problem. I was kicked-out at 17 and I’m doing okay.

I have no idea if this will work, but maybe try to treat him more as an adult. What I mean is, in my house, my parents home, and even as a married couple, the adults in the house bascially have the same rules as the children (I don’t have children, but I mean when I was a child) everyone lets someone know where they are, no one has to guess; everyone is home at the time expected, or the person makes a phone call so the other does not worry; no secrets are necessary, because everyone is an adult. That does not mean you cannot have a reasonable curfew, or that his girlfriend can spend the night, or that he can break the law. If he is treating you with less respect than he would an SO or roommate, he needs to understand you are not trying to control him, but maintain a household you are comfortable in, and feel is comfortable for all people in the house, especially your younger child.

I have seen parents who do not tell their children when they will be home from a date (date can be married parents out for the night, or single parent out with someone) because they figure the kids will be asleep anyway, or don’t feel obligated to “answer” to their children. I have no idea if you are like this, I am not assuming you are, just giving it as an example. Anyway, my opinion is all people in the household have an obligation to each other with this type of thing. If part of his example has been adults being disrespectful to eah other, he may not have learned these common courtesies. Or, he might just be being a teen.

If he is doing drugs or coming home drunk, that woud be a whole other thing. That isnnot what I am commenting on here.

I was kicked out of home. Not when I was 18, but I was still unprepared. My parents didn’t know how to handle me. I think I was probably depressed and I wasn’t doing much to find a job, having gotten discouraged. They kicked me out, and that confirmed my idea that I couldn’t rely on them—that they would never approve of me.

I think it was emblematic of things that had happened in our relationship since my birth.

After I was kicked out, my relationship with my parents was never very close again. Yeah, I survived and it forced me to make my own way in the world, but I don’t trust them, and I don’t expect anything from them and I don’t seek them out.

They haven’t changed the way they are, and as a result of that, mostly, and partly because of the past, they don’t get to see their grandchildren much. I have no desire to expose my children to my grandparents influence, especially since the kids have come home very demoralized after spending a week with them. They are mean to my kids, just as they were mean to me.

What you do now will have consequences long into the future. Will those consequences be like what happened in my family? I can’t say. Every family is unique. But I doubt if people consider the future in situations like this. I think they mostly are only concerned with the immediate situation.

Of course, this situation doesn’t come from nowhere. It was a long time in the making. It may no longer matter what you do now in terms of the effect on the future. There may be nothing you can do, positively or negatively to change the consequences of the past. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but once it was built, it was going to stick around that way for centuries, and nothing short of an incredible natural disaster could change that.

As to your immediate problem—I agree with @Julietxx3. Try to get what you want through kindness, not punishment. Let him know you love him and are behind him, even if he has to leave. If he does have to leave, maybe you would be willing to pay his rent, or a portion of it for a few months—a little less each month. Something to show him you aren’t just throwing him out with nothing.

The relationship between you and your son has been building for years. He probably doesn’t feel like you respect him, and when you tell him he has to follow the rules or else, he is not going to feel respected. What you need, I think, is to build a relationship of mutual respect. If you can get there, he and you can speak as adults and negotiate the rules of the household to something you can both live with.

This will be difficult to accomplish at this point in your relationship, but you start by talking, and by talking, I mean listening. You both should listen to each other, but you, as the adult, need to model that behavior by listening to him first. Try to find out what his concerns are and what he wants and why he wants it. Try to listen without judging. You’ll be dying inside, but it will help immensely in opening up communication. If he’s like me, he doesn’t think you really care about him.

Counseling can help if you can’t make it work on your own. Hell, it helps even if you are good at this. Well, it helps if you have a good counselor.

Otherwise, legal rights don’t really matter. If you want him out, you tell him he has to go. You call the police, if necessary. It’s definitely one way to solve the problem. I hope it’s not the way you end up using.

Tell him you are going to have a little talk with his Marine recruiter to get some ideas about following orders. That should do the job.

Are you communicating the “why” of the rule? “Because I said so” is not a why, and will earn disrespect and attitude. If you say “I want you home by 10:30 on school nights,” the reason of “because I cannot get to sleep when you are not home, and I need to be able to get a good night’s sleep so I can get to work in the morning.” is far different than “because I said so.” With a solid reason “but all my friends get to stay out until midnight” with ”Be that as it may, I need to get up in the morning to go to work, and I need to sleep. My job supports our family, and we all need me to keep it.”

The other thing that can be helpful is to acknowledge their position, and say, ”In this family, we…”

18 with boys is tough, especially if their dad isn’t around all the time. You may also want to talk to your ex about how he suggests the disrespect is handled – boys often mirror how they treat women by how their father treats their mother.

Not sure if your son is using drugs and/or keeping them in his room, In the state we were in, it was illegal to allow him to use drugs in a home where minor children lived. I also think that was the case for pornography at the time as well (not sure). So before you decide to put up with any of his nonsense, find out what the law says in your state. If you know he’s doing drugs, and you allow it, you could also be charged.

@snowberry It would not be wise for anyone who is on Deferred Enlistment with the Marines to be using drugs.

@YARNLADY Absolutely, but sometimes kids make plans like joining the Marines, and then get mixed up in drugs. It’s happened before. I’m trying to cover the bases here, but of course we hope the kid’s not using.
Blessings to you.