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Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

Why do men say such mean things when ending a relationship?

Asked by Lothloriengaladriel (1542 points ) May 25th, 2011 from iPhone

I know women do this as well but men are just completely evil. My ex and I recently ended our relationship and he called me a million and one names, literally, and honestly the fight was about him still having feelings for his ex, and me constantly accusing him that he does, then the first thing he does is tells me how great she is and how I’ll never be like her, mind you the break up escalated from an argument because I always accuse him of still having feelings for her because he cheated on me with her last year, and saw her a few times during my pregnancy, it’s not my fault I have issues with this, he should consider himself lucky I even stayed with him after all this, right? lol ):

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23 Answers

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Same reason women do – they’re insecure, afraid of abandonment, and have just acquired a new wound and are hurting.

choreplay's avatar

You really have left yourself in the down position in this relationship. He probably does have feelings for her, but will never admit it. You’re chasing him on the subject only makes a fool out of you, even if you are 100% correct. I’ve referenced this book before on fluther, but it is what you need to be hearing or reading. It’s available in book form or as an audio from most libraries or online. The Dance of Anger, link.

Although I am a male I read it in response to growing up in a broken family that used guilt and emotional tactics to control. You need to understand how to get a sense of your own two feet under you, to be independent and strong so you’re not dependent on him to the point of the relationship being so out of balance. Strength and independence will center your core dependence back on yourself and ultimately will make you more attractive to a mate, which will be a balanced healthier relationship. Get the book read it, it will be life changing.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

@Season_of_Fall thank you for your response, just curious, why does me chasing him on the subject make a fool of me? I try to make him feel stupid for still wanting her (if he does, some people suggest the comment was made because he was tired of me accusing him of wanting her) because she’s horrific, she cheated on him, and she faked a pregnancy just to try to get money from him for a fake abortion, she’s sick. Can you suggest a better strategy for me?

Bellatrix's avatar

It seems to me, if he has feelings for her after all that, you nagging him about it isn’t going to change anything and it just makes you seem insecure, which is never a power position. You have to trust he loves you more than he cares about her. If he doesn’t, what can you do about that? You can’t force him to care more for you than for her. I suspect though, if you are constantly riding him about this, you are actually making her more appealing! Be confident about yourself and your place in this relationship. He is attacking you as a defence mechanism.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Name calling is a way to justify anger and cheating. If he convinces himself that you are ___, then he is “justified” in both comparing you to his ex and finding you wanting and unzipping his pants and acting upon it.

Stop trying to convince him. He needs to make the choice on his own accord. If you cannot hold him by your charms and good points, you cannot hold him by force, guilt or harping. He needs to convince himself that you are the better choice.

Don’t stoop to that level; it’s impossible to win there. Nor are you setting a good example for your child of what a healthy relationship should be like. Perhaps you need couples counseling and working this out with a thirld party. It sounds like you have a good basis for your insecurity with the relationship, and you need to work on how to regain trust together. It doesn’t sound like you will be able to do it on your own, without a third party arbitrating. Perhaps he needs to learn about commitment in a relationship, and you need better emotional self-reliance and understanding that you would be fine without him, if it came to that.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

sounds good, I’ve actually really wanted to try couple counseling but he’s against it, not sure if it would help if I go alone, though it may, this is not the first time I’ve been cheated on and I think that’s what lead to my insercurites in this relationship, mostly, besides the fact that he did cheat and came into the relationship knowing about my past relationships and what I’d been through.. thank you @BarnacleBill

BarnacleBill's avatar

Go by yourself. Counseling is always a good thing. Anything that can lead to better self-knowledge is beneficial.

Cruiser's avatar

Why?? Because women can push, push and PUSH stooopid shit down our throats (just like you did) and it is a simple reaction to get them to STFU! Let go of the past indiscretions already!! Besides, men can’t hold a candle to the words a woman scorned will spew forth! I have seen and heard women become Satan incarnate! HS! Cover your ears!

Blackberry's avatar

I doubt you really stood there while he called you a million and one names….but people (men and women) do this for multiple reasons, like the ones stated above. I’ve done it before in the past out of anger, and hurt by the direction the relationship went.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

No I said a few choice words as well referring to him, his ex and his mother but that’s not the point, the point is: the fight began because I’m constantly accusing him of still speaking to his ex, and having feelings for her and during this argument he said, well, I mean he basically said she’s amazing and I’m nothing, and I’ll never be her (his ex who supposedly had no feelings for)

BarnacleBill's avatar

Sounds like you asked for what you got. “Constantly accusing him” are the key words, and what you should go to counselling to work on. Even if he is cheating, it sounds like how you manage yourself in the course of the relationship is not beneficial to you. You are not acting in your best interests in name calling him, is ex-girlfriend and his mother (?) or by continually accusing him. If he’s a cheat, he’s a cheat. He is responsible for his own actions. You’re responsible for yours. At any moment each of you can stop if you choose. He can stop cheating, and you can stop acting like a harpie. The question is, do you want to?

Cruiser's avatar

Really good answer @BarnacleBill! Spot on!

marinelife's avatar

He sounds like a loser:

1. He cheated on you.
2.He compared you to his ex unfavorably.
3. He called you names when you accused him of still having feelings for his ex.

You are well rid of him.

robmandu's avatar

Some people criticize (tactlessly) with the goal of trying to help improve. But there are some people who purposefully say the meanest things just to be hurtful.

Add your ex to the folks in the latter category. (And not that it matters, but I’d’ve stereotyped women moreso than men here, too… especially teenage girls.)

Based on your description of his past actions, it sounds like you’re now on the right track to move on and find a more rewarding person to share your life with.

My advice when it comes to breakups is this:

It doesn’t matter the reasons that Person A gives Person B for wanting to break up. Honest explanations, intelligent motivations, situational demands… none of these matter a whit. Person B will usually try to argue and counter the points made. When that fails, they’ll then attempt to psychoanalyze the underlying motivations and address those (especially if Person A has attempted to soften the blow with prevarications like, “It’s not you, it’s me.”)

But there’s only one motivation that matters: Person A is done with Person B.

So… Person B needs to shortcut all of the recriminations… and just be done with Person A, too. Move on. Find something/someone else to focus their attentions on. Go on a journey or pick up some overtime. Take up a new hobby. Go out to clubs with friends. Anything.

Look back on the good times and be thankful if your life was happy with that person, if but for a short time. But also look ahead for the better things to come.

Blueroses's avatar

He cheated on you with her a year ago with this woman. Either you forgave him for that or you implied forgiveness by staying with him. If you’re still upset by that, you should address the issue separately, not by “constantly” accusing him of having feelings for her. If you’re using it as a weapon to break out at any opportunity, you are inviting him to compare her to you and since you are the one yelling at him, you aren’t going to get the favorable end of the comparison.
Forgive him and move forward or admit that you’ll never forgive him and let him go.

mazingerz88's avatar

One word. Bitter.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

the reason I get upset is because he doesnt treat me like her, he treated her so well and even proposed to her .. he took her out, always surprising her, just trying to make sure she was happy BUT with me he does nothing, we have a 10 month old daughter together and I get nothing, no form of commitment, nothing, one thing I said before the official fight started was that on our anniversary I wanted him to propose and I said “I wish I didn’t have to ask like a certain person” and he got so mad over that one comment. I’m slowly understanding were better off alone, he will never make me happy ):

quiddidyquestions's avatar

“One thing I said before the official fight started was that on our anniversary I wanted him to propose and I said “I wish I didn’t have to ask like a certain person” and he got so mad over that one comment.”

Can’t say I blame him.

This guy shouldn’t have called you names. It’s immature and pointless. You, however, stayed with him after his infidelity yet continued to throw it in his face, insulted his family, and said things like the above to him.
He sounds like an ass, and you don’t sound like a gem in this relationship either. So, why did he say such mean things? Because you seem to have pushed and pushed a marginal person to the point of doing so.

robmandu's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel, you need to work on your “hard to get”.

The best way for you to appear “hard to get” to this – or any other – guy is to get happy. Find something you enjoy doing and put your energy into that. You want someone to be attracted to you and the way you do that is by being attractive… which means being strong, confident, bold, and fun.

No one ever comes across as attractive when they try to plan someone else proposing to them. Ugh. And certainly not by shaming that other person.

In my opinion, you’re not ready to be in a relationship right now. You need to work on yourself for a while. It’s good you have this opportunity for a break. Make the most of it.

And please, whatever you do, stay away from continuing a relationship with this guy. He’s not ready for one either… and not with you for sure.

It will be tough. You have a kid together. And assuming he’s a good father to her, make sure they spend plenty of time together. Never ever use her against him. Don’t withhold her availability and under no circumstances do you confide in her, tear him down, or belittle him in front of her. Compartmentalize and keep what’s between you and him just between you and him.

And speaking of compartmentalization, you have no good reason to ever mention an ex to your guy either, unless he brings her up first. Leave the past in the past.

roundsquare's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel Its a bit strange how you are trying to brush off your part in the fight. I’m dumb struck that you decided to insult his mother… at that point, almost everyone would reply with extremely mean comments.

Chances are a few months from now you’ll realize how much you added to the problem. This is not to say it was okay he cheated on you, but you need to figure out if after that happened you tried to let the relationship grow in a healthy way. It sounds like you didn’t and you ended up bugging him about it so that when the break up finally happened all he could do is compare the two of you.

choreplay's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel, it’s foolish to chase someone on a subject that will only make you weaker. It makes you weaker because it gives him reason to be more defensive and you’re wasting energy trying to get something from him that he is not going to give. Any time couples go in to counseling together the primary goal of each side is to change the other person rather than deal with what we truly have control of, ourselves. Read the book I suggested.

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