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ducky_dnl's avatar

My guy friend is pushing me away and I don't know why... Ideas?

Asked by ducky_dnl (5371 points ) May 29th, 2011 from iPhone

Okay, I like this guy who’s been with fifteen girls. I’m seeing passed that and I still like him. He’s admitted to be a sex addict or in his words “addicted to women and sex.” I’m really confused by him. He was hanging out with my brother and his friend a few days ago and he said to my brother that he didn’t want me liking him because he is a guy I shouldn’t be “mixing with.” He also says that I’m a really nice, sweet girl. He has said this to me via text as well, and on the phone he said to me that he isn’t a guy I should like because he “hurts girls.” I told him about a date I was going on and he seemed upset. He always seems bothered whenever I mention another guy. Why does he care who I date if he doesn’t want me liking him? He’s 21 and I’m 18. Also, as most of y’all jellies know, I haven’t been with anyone.. Er, shall I say “physically.” Lol. Anyway, he also seems to be on his best behavior when around me. I mean he barely cusses, acts mature and is all around a seemingly sweet guy. We also flirt on and off, but lately he’s been avoiding me since he told me about his sex addiction. Any suggestions?

Oh, when he was with my brother, my brother said he was talking about getting girls and that he only has girls for himself (the guy I like). So which side should I believe? My brother is somewhat a compulsive liar from time to time.

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27 Answers

RandomMrdan's avatar

The guy probably isn’t a sex addict. Any sign of jealousy would indicate his interest in you. But, assuming he has a history of using women, you’d be wise to steer clear. And, him acting all mature, and proper around you would tell me he’s trying to appeal to your sweet side.

I say, stay away.

ducky_dnl's avatar

@RandomMrdan You’re right, but why is he warning me if he’s trying to appeal to my sweet side, lol?

mazingerz88's avatar

It depends on how real your friendship is with this guy. Are you really good friends who sincerely care for each other or do you just love to hang around having fun, flirting on and off as you said? If you are truly friends and he cares about you then he is signaling that you keep away from him. But then if he is really serious about it he would stay out of your personal business.

It seems he is also sending mix signals with divulging he is a sex addict. I can’t be sure but yes, he could be warning you but at the same time, there’s a possibility he is trying to impress or seduce you as well. Guys are sometimes sleazy like that, yes.

aprilsimnel's avatar

It doesn’t matter what your brother thinks in this situation, to be honest, because the man himself has told you upfront what sort of person he is with women. Please take him at his word and keep dating other fellows.

RandomMrdan's avatar

@ducky_dnl I’d imagine he’s trying to get you interested in him. Using the whole reverse psychology or something. Stay away, but he actually means, be interested in me.

BarnacleBill's avatar

If he’s a friend of your brothers, it’s totally disrepectful to treat your friend’s sister as someone that it’s okay to use. He’s pretty much saying he realizes that treating his friend’s sister like someone who’s okay to use is a boundary he shouldn’t cross, and you need to recognize it too, and quit flirting with him.

ducky_dnl's avatar

@BarnacleBill Actually, he was my friend and I introduced him to my brother. My brother isn’t as close as I am with him.

RandomMrdan's avatar

If you were my younger sister, and I was completely disconnected to this entire situation. I’d feel very uneasy hearing about the entire thing, and would instinctively want to punch this guy. Haha.

ducky_dnl's avatar

@RandomMrdan Lol! XD My brother doesn’t know about all of this. He just knows that the guy said “I don’t want your sister liking me because I’m not a good guy.”

King_Pariah's avatar

Simple, he really does like you, but doesn’t want to hurt you, and either doesn’t believe he can or want to change.

_zen_'s avatar

Does this guy really have to be your first?

You wrote he said to me that he isn’t a guy I should like because he “hurts girls.”

Do you want to date someone who hurts people and announces it?

Listen to him.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

My guess is he likes you but not in the way he’s use to liking girls he knows he can have sex with and not invest much else. He is your brother’s friend so I’m sure he thinks about liking his friend and liking you and not wanting to do anything to mess that up when it’s easier for him to do what he wants with other girls he’s not worried so much about retaining a friendship with. Give him some credit for trying to do what’s best with what he knows about his boundaries as far as giving and keep him as a platonic friend only.

Marchofthefox's avatar

He’s protecting you.

shrubbery's avatar

Sounds like this guy is just trouble and drama. Don’t even bother. There’ll be other crushes.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

On the one hand, I get that this is probably a mistake you have to make on your own. And on the other hand, I kinda hope you can learn from my mistake – I’ve gone out with guys who told me they were not good with relationships, that I would end up hurt. Guess what? I did – really, really badly (not just dumped, but often put in immediate physical danger).

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. He been with and not with now fifteen other girls. Even though he don’t want you to fall for him he is frustrated and upset because he likes you, I am assuming because you are a ”square” decent virgin and he don’t want to damage or devalue you making you less than what he has built you up in his mind. He can care for you without taking from you. It is like having a succulent cup cake once you take a big bike it is no longer perfect. I say he is trying to be the ”gentleman” to you and when you are around because you he respects more than the other fifteen. Maybe when you get older he might get bolder but right now just enjoy the respect he is giving you.

RareDenver's avatar

He sounds like me when I was younger so my advice would be to keep clear, he’ll probably pursue you at some point as it is something of a sport to ‘get’ the good girl.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@ducky_dnl He’s 21 – complete with raging hormones. No matter what he says about you being: nice, special, sweet, smart, different, etc., ignore it all. He wants to get into your pants and knows that is the way to do it. The moment you let your guard down he will willingly oblige. I know you think he is different but odds are he’s not.
Most likely he is “pushing you away” right now because he is either working on or doing another girl (or girls) and is a little busy.
Avoid him like the plague.

Here’s how women can make the world a better place. Before you sleep with a guy, instead of asking yourself the usual “Am I in the mood and, is he hot?” ask yourself the following questions: Does he have a job? Does he have a job prospects? Does he have anger problems? Is he intelligent? Does he have addictions or destructive habits? Does he use women? Is he kind and considerate of others? Can he be trusted?
Those are the important factors. Imagine how nice the world would be if women only dated and mated with nice guys.
Help make the world a little better. Avoid him.
The day he offers you alcohol or drugs, kick him in the nuts for me. Tell your friends.

skfinkel's avatar

He is saying you are sweet and acting nice around you because that is what attracts you to him. You are flattered. This is a person to avoid getting entangled with. He has told you the kind of person he is. He attracts girls to him by whatever means they like, and then hurts them. If your brother knows him, find out what you can about his mother, who is his mother? does she care for him? does he care about her? First Lady Obama had some very smart words along these lines last week, and I couldn’t agree more. See about that relationship before you get involved with him.

SuperMouse's avatar

Take him at his word and stay away.

gorillapaws's avatar

He’s making a play at your V-card, by pretending to be honest and sweet/vulnerable. Watch the beginning of Kids.

Buttonstc's avatar

When people tell you who they are, believe them.
Maya Angelou

She’s a very wise person with enough years of life experience behind her to really know what she’s talking about.

The “wisdom of the elders” can be of great benefit and if we’re smart enough to recognize that and listen to them, it can save us from having to learn it on our own through negative painful experiences.

Do you really need more pain in your life ? Think about it.

In a moment of candor, this guy has revealed himself to you. Believe him.

Your brother’s opinion is irrelevant in this case.

There are so many genuinely decent guys around getting bypassed by girls who are fascinated by the “bad boy” image, thinking they can change him.

Go find one of the decent guys. Save your renovation impulses for interior decorating projects.

You deserve a decent caring guy in your life. Value yourself enough to hold out for one of the decent guys.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@gorillapaws That is an excellent reference. It should be required viewing.

Kardamom's avatar

Oh how I wish I could transport you to the future, to your 40 year old self, or even your 30 year old self, so you could look back and clearly see the red flags that this guy is waving in your face.

Hopefully you will be able to take the advice of us older, more experienced folks and not jump into the crap sandwich that is presenting itself in front of you. You don’t have to get into a bad relationship, get dumped, hurt and humiliated to be able to learn how to avoid getting involved with douche bags and jerks, but you do need to learn (from us, hopefully) how to spot the signs. Luckily for you, in this case, this guy is giving you all the signs on a silver platter.

First of all you should ALWAYS believe a guy when he says he “isn’t good for you” or he “doesn’t want to get involved with you” or he “likes you and thinks you are sweet, but doesn’t want to hurt you.” All of these statements mean that if he did get together with you, he would definitely hurt you. He knows it, and you should learn it, NOW! The other part of these series of statements mean that he is giving you a heads up, but if you waiver or falter, he’s still likely to try to hook up with you, if you give him a chance, but he will still dump you in the end.

He’s already stated that he’s a sex addict. There’s 2 things to be read into that statement. The first and most important, is that He’s a sex addict! What that means is that he likes to have lots and lots of meaningless sex with lots and lots of people. If you hooked up with him, you would just be one more meaningless conquest to him. You are not going to be the magical person that he falls in love with and he’s not going to stop having sex with as many women as he can get. Now the second part of his “sex addict” admission, is that in some way, you are secretly thinking that he is this awesome, passionate person and it would be very exciting to be ravaged by someone like that. And you are probably secretly thinking that you would love to be the person who changes him into your own super lover. And wouldn’t that be awesome if you could be the girl who manages to make him a one woman guy? So that’s the other reason why he told you that he’s a sex addict, because it makes him sound awesome and he knows that exites you (and some of the other women).

This guy knows exactly what he’s doing and he knows exactly how to get young, impressionable, passionate young ladies to have sex with him. It’s pretty easy, actually. All he does is come off like a bad boy/prince charming all at the same time. The fact that he seems “tortured” is another way to draw in a nice girl such as yourself, because you want to help him and you probably think that “love is all you need” to help him. Unfortunately, love is not what this guy (and others like him) are looking for. They’re looking for quick sex and lots of it, from as many women as they can get it from.

The reason that they want to get it from lots of women, is so that they never have to make any kind of comittment to anybody. They’re not looking for love and they’re not looking for a relationship. Unfortunately, for you and the rest of us folks who have ever been drawn into a situation like this, is that these guys also have learned to “appear to be charming” and they have learned how to say all the right things and push all the right buttons to get us to believe that somehow “we are different” and our situation “is different.”

The number one way in which you (or any of the rest of us have and might again) get drawn into one of these crap sandwiches, is by believing that some how our situation is different than everybody elses. Especially if one of these douches throws in a little statement like this, “no one else understands us.” God, that is powerful stuff! Because it makes you feel unique and special and that no one else could possibly understand and so therefore you jump right on in. But then, after you’ve been blindsided by one or two (or more, God forbid) of these types of horrific situations (maybe when you’re 25 or 30 or 40) you will look back and say to yourself, “Why on earth did I believe that guy? Why did I allow myself to get into a situation where it was inevitable that I would get hurt? And how come I didn’t listen to my own gut instinct or to my experienced friends who knew exactly what was going to happen?”

There are plenty of great guys out there. They are similar to you, in that they are longing for someone decent and passionate and kind and smart, but they may be a little bit shy, they may not have any experience at all and they may not look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney. But they have a lot to offer and they want a comitted relationship with someone they can trust and who will be part of a 50–50 give and take, mature relationship. Try not to overlook these fellows.

And the next time some douche bag hands you a silver platter full of red flags, yell “Check please!” and get the hell out of that restaurant!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Some guys collect and have sex with women the way I collect (and not have sex) with shoes. Each one is so pretty, so nice to see on yourself and so easy to get- why not if you can?

Also, I think anyone who hasn’t been in deep therapy or had years and years of experience but who uses the “sex addict” clause for themselves has already decided it’s okay for them to keep using people casually for sex. It becomes a filter for them, hi, I’m a sex addict so that means we can hang out but I’ve got a get out of jail card when it comes to me jerking you around.

Amazebyu's avatar

I don’t think your brother’s opinion matter here. It’s pretty obvious, the guy is not interested. He told you he’s a sex addict, he uses girls for sex… If I was you I would stay away from him, unless you want to get used and get your hert crushed. Sexual addiction is a serious disorder. He needs help.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Kardamom I wish I could give you more than one GA. @ducky_dnl Take all the advice above to heart. There’s a lot of experience talking
Please let us know if / when he offers you alcohol so we can kick him in the crotch for you.

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