What do you think about the expression marriage is work?

Well, most relationships are work, but only for those that have not done any work on themselves. lol
I think “work” really means that when two unconscious people unite and are clueless about their baggage/ personal issues, that’s when any hope of a healthy relationship is going to take a lot of work. If both parties are mentally and emotionally sound, mature and in touch, then there is little “work” involved.
Some maybe, but nearly what there is when two clueless people come together. haha

I don’t like it either, @JLeslie. People my age like to go on and on about how relationships aren’t “real” unless there are struggles and fights and challenges, which is similar to the “marriage is work” thing you’re referring to. To me, an ideal relationship is like a best-friendship with intimacy. There is no need to fight or struggle or work on the relationship because you simply fit together. maybe this is why I have never had a normal relationship.

My thoughts are the same as @Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard. What is the point of marriage if it’s just one big struggle or constant compromising and hard work? Unless you think the rewards are totally worth it; I don’t see the point.

I don’t like it either, but there is a core of truth to it. I interpret that core as: ‘marriage is commitment and don’t take your relationship for granted’.

Sometimes, there will be a struggle, but that shouldn’t be the normal way. My wife and I only ever fight when we both are under external stress.

I think it’s true. If neither partner makes any effort to give to the relationship, instead of just taking, it isn’t going to work. But giving shouldn’t be an everyday struggle – if it is them maybe you need to work on yourself before entering into a relationship with someone else.

I think that marriage is doomed from the get go.

Harsh crowd.

I think marriage is work at times. The saying is to remind you not to expect it to all be sweet nothings and fairy tales. There are times when you have to pull through things together and occasionally even in spite of each other for the good of you both and your relationship. The work you both put in makes the relationship grow and gives you solid ground for your other dreams.

Right now my wife is six and half months pregnant, she went straight from morning sickness to some sort of pregnancy induced asthma that doctors haven’t been able to give us many definite answers on. Half an hour of housework leaves her coughing, wheezing, apologetic, and embarrassed.

So I’ve done 90% of everything around our house for the past 5 months or so, worked extra to make ends meet, and have done my best to take care of her. She still makes my heart sing, but classifying it as anything but work would be dishonest right now.

I’m sure she’d do the same for me. We do it because we’re a team. Sometimes you work extra for your team, sometimes your team enables you to do things you could never do on your own.

Well, sometimes there is work involved, but it should be work that you want to do, you know? If it feels like a constant struggle, that’s no good. My second marriage is nowhere near the level of ‘work’ that my first was. I married a man much better suited to me this time around. :)

I’d say it’s spot on.

We spend most of our time at work. Why does work get this negativativity? In a relationship context, work is probably short for “work at it” which is inevitible and necessary. Whether it’s hard work or not depends on the couple – but work it is. And not in a negative way.

I don’t believe happy, good relationships ‘just happen’. It is easy for people to take relationships for granted. They start off great and everything is wonderful but they won’t stay that way unless you are mindful of how you treat your partner, how you spend your time together. You have to tend your relationship. Find time for fun, remember to show your partner you love them and respect them. This is what ‘marriage is work’ means to me. Being mindful about how you care for the person you love and how you spend your time with them.

Some people may find their marriages to be difficult ..others not so much. I certainly don’t think you can give a blanket term of marriage in general.

My relationship with my partner (of 11 years) doesn’t seem like work to me. Apparently we are a strange breed though. We have differences once in awhile but we don’t see it as a negative thing. We rarely argue at all.

Most others we know seem to be in relationships that are difficult and/or require a lot of work. We don’t really know any other same-sex couples though ..maybe that’s the thing?

I think people say that so that one doesn’t bail out the first time the marriage hits a minor rough patch. It’s not that marriage is an endless drudge, but that to be that close to someone requires a little bit of work and sacrifice to get along well.

I actually like it. Part of it for me is that it counters the fantastical images of modern romantic love that people are exposed to in virtually every popular movie, book, or tv show. You’re not moved to f*ck your spouse silly on the kitchen counter after 10 years of marriage and a couple of kids? You find that life is difficult, and you have made a commitment to partner with someone who is an actual human being who is changing every day just like you are? You’re having communication problems? Guess what…get off your lazy, pedestrian, pop-culture raised ass and get to work maintaining a real relationship with this person. Don’t sit back and pretend that you two are the same people who took those ridiculous vows so many years ago. You’re not. S/he’s not. So get over it and either f*ck your coworker and buy a fancy sports car in hopes that you will find meaning, or take an honest look at yourself and your spouse and realize that it takes work to meet each other.

If anyone wants a relationship of any kind with me (friends or otherwise), they’d better be prepared for work. Otherwise we’re talking about stagnancy, delusion, and pond scum.

Since there’s a minority that actually experiences the rare “great relationship”, the rest of us are just trying to hold on to something “good enough”, and that takes work.

I have been married for 27 years at this writing.
Marriage is work. It is compromise, and occasional surrender, to someone elses opinion. It is budgeting and helping. It is going places you don’t want to go, to see people you don’t like, and trying to be friendly and kind.
It is also rewarding and wonderful.

If you added up the total years from all my many marriages, I’d have been married… well a long time. It is work to stay married. Nothing wrong with work. Nothing wrong with changing jobs if you don’t like your work environment.

Marriage is work. You have to work to keep the spark alive, to keep up with common interests or create new ones, to stay the number one relationship in your partner’s life and they in yours.

You have to work to make the relationship about more that everyday problems and bills and being roommates.

None of those things “just happen”.

I don’t mind working hard on the most important relationship in my life, because the rewards are so special: true intimacy, shared experiences that are fun and finny and romantic and lovely.

Work to me has always meant something away from home. I have worked from home, so I don’t mean literally someone has to get up and commute into work, but I am so happy at home, I guess I associate work with a job that is not “home.” Hard to explain. My husband is the roomate I love coming home to. But, I do see what some have said above, that the expression sets people up to know it is not all easy and smooth. But, I think most of us know that from watching our parents, although there are some parents who hide all conflict from their kids. I think @augustlan is right, the more you have in common, both goals and personality, the easier it probably is, but of course no two people are exactly alike, and sometimes the differences help us get where we need to be. The calmer person can be calming in difficult times, the ambitious one can move the couple to the next adventure. I think I must sort of associate work as a negative term, not to be confused with working as always negative, sometimes a job or career doesn’t feel like work, because we love it, or parts of it don’t.

When my husband and I need to sort out a disagreement, I would never call it work, I just think of it as when two different people are in a relationship, sometimes we need to stop and try and understand each other and ourselves and how we interact. To me that is not work, that is life if you want be in relationships, and not just marriage, it is true for friendships and children and parents. Trying to understand my husband does not feel like work. Sometimes when he is doing something I don’t like, it just pisses me off, but again I don’t see that as work. If that happened a lot, I guess living in my house would feel like a job I don’t want, that seems like a whole different story.

I guess it is just a matter of semantics, and how we associate the word work.

@whitenoise I think those are the words I use, committment and don’t take each other for granted.

@funkdaddy Congratulations on the pregnancy! Sorry to hear your wife is having such a difficult pregnancy. The asthma can be scary. Maybe it is the cleaning chemicals? But, I am sure you have though of that. I have some advice, which you probably have thought of also, if you cam afford it, get a maid every other week to do the big clean. I find all too often Americans, and I think you are American, don’t think to do it.

The work of marriage is keeping things positive. Good things and bad things happen in all marriages. It is impossible for things to remain all sweetness and light forever because things happen. Life always throws hard stuff your way.

In a marriage, you can take that hard stuff and you can let it get you down. You can start blaming your partner. You can focus on the negativity. Next thing you know, your marriage is on the rocks.

Or you can work at your marriage. You can make a conscious effort to focus on the good things. You can compliment your partner. Appreciate them. Focus on what is good.

Some people may do these things naturally, and if you are a natural focusing on the positive, marriage probably isn’t that much work. But if you are not natural at it, then working at it can keep your marriage together. You have to make sure you talk about things. Work at communication. Not take each other for granted. Make time to be intimate with each other. Appreciate each other’s positive energy. Do things you may not want to do in order to keep the other person feeling good.

It’s easy for people to grow in separate directions, I think. You have different interests and they may grow further apart as time goes on. It takes conscious work to keep on sharing your interests and being gracious about your partner’s interests. If you let it slide, you end up with him in the man cave and her in the needlework group and never the twain shall meet.

It’s work to keep from growing apart for many couples, I think. If you do the work, you can keep the marriage vital. If not, you may end up with divorce.

@funkdaddy, congratulations to you and your wife!

@wundayatta I agree with focusing on the positive. GA. And, being gracious about your spouse’s goals, I think that translates to being supportive of their goals.

I dislike people using it when those who need to get out of their marriages should. It’s not up to you to decide how long a marriage should be. It’s not up to me. You don’t get to feel all validated in your love life because you ‘worked’ on it. Sometimes, it’s not about work or how hard you try and no one has to justify to society why they’re ending a marriage or why they’re entering into one. What I love is that, often, couples who say they’ve presumably put in so much work aren’t really happy. It’s obvious. And, finally, there is such a thing as too much work in a marriage, for me. I fundamentally believe it should be amazing, not work, not suffering, not having to deal and pacify each other, not about anxieties around cheating and saying ‘huh, well they can’t change’. If there is love, sometimes there is work but most of the time, there isn’t.

It makes perfect sense. A relationship needs kindness, compromise, and understanding in order to thrive. These things don’t just spring up on their own; it takes some effort to make them happen. But I don’t think it’s work in a negative sense, like drudgery. It’s satisfying work, like cultivating a beautiful garden. If both partners take time ever day to nurture it, they will be rewarded by the fruits of that labor.

Sometimes it irritates me if I feel the person making the comment has a slight negative view of marriage and assumes everyone else does too. Most of the time though, I don’t pay much mind.

It’s the glass half full thing- some of us don’t mind investing, learning and growing while others call the same stuff sacrifice and work.

Well..I also think it’s where you are in the life spectrum. I was married for 22 years, divorced for 9 and I have zero interest in marrying again or living with someone. I’ve had a few relationships in the interlude but I had to get really clear a few years ago and the conclusion I came to is that most men in my age bracket fall into two categories, the mid-life players and the mid-life divorced and desperate for a woman to marry/live with categories. lol
Seriously!

Sooo…once I was really clear that neither re-marriage or cohabitation is of interest to me I had to decide if I wanted to just have some sort of weekend relationship and the answer is a resounding no! haha
Most men in my generation want to be cared for by a woman, most are incredibly insecure, and I love my space, my own time, far too much to compromise one little bit.
I’m witnessing a relationship with a friend right now that is my age and the rewards do not outweigh the “work”, not by a long shot.
They actually met at a party I threw 3 summers ago and it was all roses and romance for about a year, til he moved in with her and her 17 yr. daughter.

One conflict after another, communication issues, teenage kid issues ( I wouldn’t touch the blending kids thing with a 10 foot pole personally lol) He moved out 2 months ago and now they are attempting to adjust to a weekend only scene until somewhere, waaay down the road when her daughter is no longer living at home. No the fuck thanks….makes me so grateful I’m choosing to opt out of relationship these days. Never say never, but I’m pretty sure, never. Just not that important to me anymore and I know I am not willing to do much if any work these days.

When you’re young you jump in with both feet and never look back, but at this time of life, you really look before you leap, and once you take a hard look you probably won’t leap. lol

@Coloma, I was just talking to a friend who is going through a divorce. She was telling me how she won’t have any problems getting a date – when the time is right. She vows she’ll never remarry. Anyway, I told her to mark it down what I was about to tell her – the vast majority of men in their late-40s and 50s she meets will want to get married.

@bkcunningham Yes, they become like young women, needy, needy, needy. lol Every guy I have dated wants to hurry up and button things down, live together, marry….gah….run Coloma run!

Is button things down the same as unbutton? Because unbutton is usually what I found they wanted?

@bkcunningham I think @coloma means they want to be in a committed relationship fast.

I realize that, @JLeslie. I was kidding with @Coloma. Thank you though.

It’s understandable that you feel the term “marriage is work” is negative. It is. What any person in a relationship finds is that it takes listening, understanding, compromise and accepting in order to make it a successful partnership. The term “work” just seems to encompass all of these factors.

@Pied_Pfeffer Yes, but work can mean many other things. Work can be something that is dictated to you, that you drag yourself to every morning, that takes you from what you really want to be doing, that you do because it is necessary, not because you want to. The English language uses one word in so many ways, leaves so much for interpretation.

I always think of it in the way @lonelydragon suggested. Like tending a garden that you love and you want to nurture. Yes work can have negative connotations but it could also be a labour of love.

I think it should be labeled as a career choice. LOL
But its not a false statement. Only like work, people often see is as a chore instead as the constant need to grow, learn, compromise and experience.
You could go with the military approach.
They should use the military slogan of “Be all that you can be”
Then throw in the rest.
Airforce, Integrity first, service before self and excellence in all we do.
US Coast Guard, Always ready.
USMC “Semper Fidelis” Always Faithful
USNavy, Honor, Courage, Commitment
US Army, “This We’ll Defend”
Oh, I just found the best one from a sniper school. “Don’t run, you’ll just die tired.”

Yes, being in a marriage is like having a second job. You have to work at it, in order for you to reap the benefits from it.

Lonelydragon has given a superb answer and she understands the fundamentals of being a married person, even though she is single.