Social Question

brown_eyed_blonde's avatar

My ex texted me. What is his motive?

Asked by brown_eyed_blonde (86 points ) October 2nd, 2012

He sent me two texts in one day after 3 weeks of no contact. (The last contact was an email I sent him. He didn’t reply but I told him in the email that I’d appreciate it if he didn’t contact me from now on. I basically accused him of being a player. I wasn’t aggressive. I was firm, but assertive.)

His first text asked how I was and how my weekend was going. I didn’t reply. A few hours later he sent another text saying ‘I’m just trying to be me here. Not anything horrible. Anyway, I hope life is treating you well.’ I didn’t reply to that text either.

I broke up with him because I felt I was the one always putting effort into the relationship. In the beginning he was very keen and constantly chasing me, but towards the end he got distant so it hurt too much to stay with him.

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18 Answers

Coloma's avatar

You chose to let go of a relationship that wasn’t working for you, do not respond to his texts and messages. His “motive” is when he is feeling lonely or sad he wants to see if he can rope you in again. Let it be, ignore him.

zenvelo's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

His motive is he wants to be liked by you and reconnect with in the hope that you provide him interim attention, and if you were active, sex. He is not wanting anything more than that,

Hold your line, don’t answer him back. Just ignore his texts and emails. You are doing the right thing.

gailcalled's avatar

His motives are irrelevant. Stick to your guns. That’s what matters. Don’t waste any more energy on him

Kardamom's avatar

Sounds like he’s between girlfriends. He had some fun with you so he’s hoping you’ll be willing to give in to him, sexually, until he hooks up with someone else.

If you don’t want to be with a player, then don’t give into him and don’t bother to answer his texts. If somehow, you bump into him somewhere and he asks you why you won’t talk to him, remind him that you broke up with him because he’s a player and you don’t want to have any contact with him, because you’ve moved on. Be short and sweet, don’t get angry or emotional, because that will be thrilling for him. It’s kind of sick, but some guys love the fact that they make women upset, because it makes them feel powerful and important.

marinelife's avatar

You pulled back so now he is chasing you again. He has not changed. Do not be fooled.

Continue not to reply. If he persists, block him.

Sarah90's avatar

I had the same problem with my ex, I dumped’em for being an alley cat and sure enough within a few days the sweet,charming & caring personally emerged along with the endless text to wish me a good day and to see how I was doing.
I remedy the situation by having my new squeeze return the messages.
Change your number…..as you said ; he is a player.
He probably wants to keep you in queue for a future bootycall.

LuckyGuy's avatar

The relationship is over so either block his texts or send them directly into a spam folder. Do not allow his urges to intrude into your life. You told him not to contact you yet he violated that request not once but twice. Do not respond.
I am betting he is either bored at work or is between girlfriends.

Coloma's avatar

Some men ( people) are infamous for this. I had an ex lover try to see if he could hook me back in for casual sex last year after 9 years of little contact. It was so obvious, trying to see if he could recycle a little action by flattering me to death. Telling me I was in the top 3 of the great relationships of his life.
So transparent.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Pandora's avatar

His motive is to test the waters. He is hoping that time has made you forgiving.
Just erase his number when it shows up.

Trillian's avatar

Really?

jca's avatar

He’s hoping you are feeling lonely, too, and figured he’d throw out there something benevolent in the hopes it makes you think twice, which it apparently did.

woodcutter's avatar

Maybe he mistakenly hit the wrong contact in his message bar?

wundayatta's avatar

Does it matter what his motive is? What if he wanted you back? Are you inclined to see if things would be better this time?

If you couldn’t talk to him about growing distant the first time, is there any reason to think you could communicate better about a serious problem this time? When you deal with serious problems by breaking up instead of talking, then it seems to me that that’s about drama, not a relationship.

I have no idea what he is about.

lightsourcetrickster's avatar

Sticking to your guns is the right move.
I don’t think it really matters what his motives are when the relationship has already gone the way of all flesh – as has already been said.
If you’re dead certain that he was playing the field, then really you shouldn’t even be questioning what his motives are, because let’s face it, why would you risk even contemplating going back to the guy – which you’re not, right?
Relationships screw up for so many possible reasons, if you guys got distant then it’s one of two possibilities there, you either weren’t great in the communications department – so that won’t have helped any to begin with – or he was up to no good. Now, if you had proof then it’s fair to say you’re in the right and he’s in the wrong and you should let sleeping dogs (or dogs that sleep around) lie.
Now here’s where I have a problem beyond this point. You mention that in your e-mail you basically accused him of cheating. Now, I don’t know how many guys I can speak for on this subject, but having been accused – falsely I might add – more than once by at least one person of cheating on them – I get not only hurt by it, but it also really pisses me the heck right off annoys me. If someone is going to accuse me of that, they need something more than just a hunch or a whim, and on every occasion it’s been just a hunch or a whim.
Logically though, if I was him, I’d still be really pissed off at you for accusing me of cheating and I’d probably actually reply to the e-mail….but what gets me thinking he was playing the field in the first place is that he is now texting you. So I get the impression that others are getting in that he was playing the field. Now I’m terrible at being the judge of anyone, it doesn’t suit me well at all, mostly because I dislike it, but, I think you need to just leave this one well alone and disregard any thoughts you have about this matter. Move swiftly onward.

KNOWITALL's avatar

If you hadn’t said you’d got ‘hurt’ I would have said that even writing this, imo, seems like you want him to want you and you should use him for some great sex then not return his calls or texts- lol

If you can’t protect your heart though, I’d avoid him altogether.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Yep. He’s horney. Ignore him. Unless you want sex too.

Paradox25's avatar

Like others have said, he is likely only interested in the challenge of the chase and/or sex, and not you as a person. What continues to amaze me though is that despite how many women that get burned by chasers, many still insist that men ‘pursue’ them, and continue to do the same things over and over again (I’m not saying this is you personally). My one sister is a great example of this, she would always fall for guys that burned her because she expected to be pursued, and as a result it was either an egomaniac or a player she wound up with. She finally listened to my advice and made an actual effort to get a decent guy (yes, I even like him, and that’s saying alot), and finally she is happy, and he is nice to her kid too. She wasn’t assertive in trying to meet him, but she made an effort to get him to ask her out at least, without the expectation that he pursue her, or just sitting there waiting. Yep, mom/dad isn’t always right, and taking their outdated advice caused my sister many miserable years. I brought the latter points up because I see many questions like these, and so that hopefully you or other women don’t continue to make the same mistakes again.

Kardamom's avatar

^^ Amen sister!

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