Social Question

Oceanfront's avatar

Should I cheat on my boyfriend?

Asked by Oceanfront (320 points ) December 8th, 2012

I have been together with my current partner for about 8 months. He is 37 and I am 22. I met him on a sugar daddy site. Although it started as an “arrangement” we soon became exclusive and fell in love. Yes I am being serious. In a month we are moving in together. During the 8 months he has helped me a lot.

He has:

* Given me thousands of dollars to pay for rent, food, shopping, and he will start paying for my therapy.
* We are moving into a 3 bedroom condo and I won’t have to pay rent, and I’ll my own room which he agreed can be my closet.
* He’s stuck by me through all my mood swings and issues.
*He knows I used to be an escort, and has accepted it and still loves me.
* He’s serious about me and has told his friends, family, and co workers.

So he has done A LOT for me. In fact, a lot does not do justice. He has pretty much provided for me like no other. Not only financially but as well as emotionally.

There’s a guy (same age as me!) whom I have had feelings for a very, very long time….. I can relate to him because he is my age and we fell in love in school. He has recently came back into my life and I feel happy but sad also because now is not the right time I can “be with” him….

I feel like it is lust and passion.

I have been wondering for a long time what happened between us. I sometimes think of him when I masturbate- and not my current boyfriend.. Sometimes when I’m having sex with my boyfriend I think of my ex….

Should I meet my ex once again to see what will happen? Or should I stay with my boyfriend and not do anything? My boyfriend can not know that I cheated on him.

I have guilt because I do love my boyfriend and he has done so much for me…. If he found out it would crush him.

But the selfish side of me has very strong lust and desires to see my old flame.

In a way I think I can meet my ex and get away with it, I am having internal conflict about this.

HELP.

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155 Answers

Oceanfront's avatar

This ex of mine is a strong unrequited love and lust. I’ve thought of him on and off for a few years now. I’ve had dreams about him. I’ve even wanted to dream of him because that meant I could be CLOSER to him if not in real life, I can have him in my dreams…. Corny I know. Time has passed and now me and him are finally reunited again. I feel like it is just really shitty timing because I am involved with someone else. I want to do the right thing. My brain says no but my body says yes. I don’t know what to do. If I should see him in person again – to just get it over with and get closure. I need advice please. I haven’t done anything and I can still cancel and not see this guy.

Oceanfront's avatar

My current boyfriend has given me about 7 thousand dollars in cash over 8 months to pay for my rent or shopping. Not only that but he also pays for our dinners or movies. So he’s spent a lot of time, energy, on me.

I don’t want to be with my ex. He can’t give me anything that my current boyfriend doesn’t.

Even though I met my guy on a sugar daddy site he is a genuine and great guy.

I am afraid if I see my ex again – even just to meet – I will start having deep feelings for him again. Or we might as well just sleep together. Because If I meet my ex, it will be very hard to not want to kiss him, hold him, make out with him, be physically close to him….

Bellatrix's avatar

If you want to stay with the man you are currently with – do not cheat on him with this person from your past.

If you don’t want to be with this man, tell him, end it and then if you want to take up with this person from your past so be it.

I don’t think you should cheat on someone you claim to love but I equally don’t think you should stay with someone for the material support and possessions they provide. My feeling is you like what this older man can provide and want your cake and to eat it too.

jrpowell's avatar

Don’t cheat.. If you get cuaght you might have to get a job.

Unbroken's avatar

Um he’s an ex for a reason. It is most likely a lust thing and he can’t or won’t provide for you in the way you desire. Do you have a new occupation? Would you have to go back to work as an escort? Would you or he mind, that is assuming it turns out to be something real and not just passionate sex.

Dream guys rarely live up to expectations. People commonly have fanatasies about some other person even during sex or especially during sex. The key is you don’t know them well enough to be peevish about behavoirs or see them on their rough days. Or it can be easy to sugar coat them.

It sounds however that you see this other guy as a provider and a shelter for you. You have needs and wants and he fills both. So you are very fond of this guy but it is not the same as being in love or lust with this guy. He’s too new for that type of love or trust to grow.

Also he is in a way buying you by being everything you need emotionally and physically. It seems rather lopsided but in return he gets the security of having you there for him. He doesn’t want to be lonely. Some guys need to be needed. And perhaps he gets security from that.

They say relationships can be based on need and it seems like on some level you need each other. If he is helping you emotionally maybe you should see where it takes you until you plateau. I mean emotional health is a good thing and sometimes a security net and guide are the best ways to overcome issues quickly.

You didn’t say he made you happy or passionate. If you decide to stay with him you need to find something to fulfill you outside of him.

Whatever you do, it’s your decision. You have to live with the consequences. You will end up making the decision any how.

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ragingloli's avatar

See, this would be no problem whatsoever if polygamy were accepted and the norm in society.
Then you could take both.
Now you have to choose,

AshLeigh's avatar

You’re obviously not mature enough to handle a relationship.
This actually disgusts me.
If you love your boyfriend so much why would you cheat?
Don’t be ridiculous.

Also, it worries me that he’s given you so much money. Get a job.

zensky's avatar

Ahem, have you read the details? This is her job.

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marinelife's avatar

You can meet up with your ex and live out your fantasies if you tell your boyfriend. Cheating will destroy your relationship.

It will lessen you as a person.

Shippy's avatar

The choice is yours. Stay where you are and not have to take on adult type responsibilities like paying rent and paying for finding therapy. Or go back to your ex and live that life and deal with what he can or cannot offer. But to cheat is almost like a slap in a face to a person who by all accounts has helped you. None have guarantees though. As the sugar daddy may feel when you over a certain age, he cant be daddy anymore.

glacial's avatar

Anyone flag this question as flame-bait yet?

Coloma's avatar

Nice, way to go, the ditzy gold digger that wants to shit on the hand that feeds her, thanks for perpetuating this lovely stereotype for all womankind.
I sincerely thank you as a fellow female that has INTEGRITY!

Judi's avatar

It sounds to me like you don’t think you deserve happiness so you’re looking for a way to sabatoge it.

Oceanfront's avatar

No I’m not a troll, it’s disgusting some people would think that, but go figure.

Surprisingly to some of you, yes, this is a real question and situation and I am thankful to people who gave me good advice.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma – I am not ditzy or a gold digger – yes my boyfriend is very financially secure, but I am not with him for that. He is a great guy and I love him as a person. If I wanted to be a gold digger I can find an even richer guy. I’m not with my boyfriend for money, even if it seems that way, but being spoiled and not having to worry is a good thing.

I am attractive and beautiful, but my boyfriend isn’t with me for that either. If I gain 10 pounds or wake up with a face full of zits he would still love me. Yes he is rich, and yes I am attractive, but we both do genuinely love each other.

That is why I have an internal conflict with this—my ex who is my old flame.

Oceanfront's avatar

@AshLeigh I have NOT cheated on my boyfriend. I feel guilt and I feel confused – that is why I went on here to get advice. I am not going to meet my ex boyfriend.

Secondly, my boyfriend is a successful venture capitalist, which means he can afford to give me thousands of dollars.

Yes, 7 thousand might be a lot to you, but to someone who makes 400,000$ a year, 7 thousand is chump change. So it is your opinion what a lot of money is.

Judi's avatar

@Oceanfront I think it’s the fact that you met on a sugar daddy website that leads people to think you’re a gold digger.

Oceanfront's avatar

I have not cheated on my boyfriend – I have guilt that is why I came on here because I was confused. I wanted advice and opinions.

AshLeigh's avatar

If you love someone you don’t want to do anything to hurt them. Even if they wouldn’t find out.

Oceanfront's avatar

@AshLeigh Exactly. That is why I feel a lot of guilt.

zensky's avatar

Hey, @Oceanfront – to each his own. Welcome to Fluther.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Bellatrix Thank you, you’re right, thanks for the advice, you hit the nail on the head.

Coloma's avatar

@Oceanfront You deserve credit for being honest about your inner conflict, but…sorry, you are a gold digger and glorified prostitute if you are offering yourself up like a pork chop to men with money so you can be “spoiled” and pampered. You say your sugar papa would love you no matter how you look, well… let’s turn that around.
Would YOU still care for him if he had no money, lost his job, or otherwise couldn’t spoil you any more?
Somehow I doubt it.

Bottom line, proceed at your own risk.

Oceanfront's avatar

@rosehips Honestly yes I do think it is a lust thing. I don’t want to be with him and I know there is no one else in the world who has done more good things for me than my boyfriend. I do think it’s lust. Confused between love for my boyfriend and lust for my ex. It’s a really dangerous thing. I have not acted on them and I’ve felt guilt already for even THINKING about meeting up with my ex.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma Actually yes I would still love my boyfriend if he did not have any money, as I’ve said, he is a great guy.

I’m not going to argue whether you think I’m a prostitute or not – I do not care about your opinion on that. I am not offering myself up to men like I pork chop.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma If my boyfriend lost his job tomorrow and had no money, yes I would still love him. I would take care of him and provide for him until he gets back on his feet. It is disgusting what you think, but I do not blame you because you do not know me and are purely judging.

bookish1's avatar

Sounds like you know the answer already. You said that it is “selfish” to cheat, and it would crush your current boyfriend, who loves you. Going behind someone’s back is going to hurt them, destroy any trust they had in you, and is always immoral.

Some people are open to polyamory or open relationships. Do you think that you could bring up your old flame with your current boyfriend?

Oceanfront's avatar

@bookish1 – I know, I feel so bad already. It is selfish I think. I don’t think my boyfriend would be ok with him being an ex, because that could mean feelings might develop again. I think he would be more ok with a random guy, not an a guy I used to date.

Coloma's avatar

@Oceanfront I’m simply examining the story you present. For a girl who desires to be kept like a pampered puppy I don’t buy it for one minute that if the guy lost all of his assets that you would be content to support him or live in a camper in a parking lot.
Princess pussies don’t do well on the streets without their diamond collars and Fancy Feast.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma You sound really mean and hateful. I don’t desire to be a pampered puppy – Yes, I do enjoy going to nice dinners and I love having no worries. I do enjoy being able to shop whenever I want, I enjoy not having to worry about rent or food. Who wouldn’t?

But I wouldn’t be with a guy for a million dollars if he was rude to me, or if I didn’t genuinely like him. Whatever you think, I don’t care because I only went on here to get advice on this love triangle.

If you don’t believe what I say that is your choice, but I still keep to my word.

Money is what I have – it is not what makes me.

Some people enjoy the finer things in life and some people are content living in a parking lot – that is what you said. If I choose to rather live in mansion then it is my personal choice. And I do have a job and I do work.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma I’d rather be a “princess puppy” than live on the streets or live in a parking lot, you are damn right sure for that.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma I don’t judge people if they have less which is what you’re making it seem. I treat everyone equally and with respect – if they live in a mansion or on the street. I choose to live comfortably – so what?

Coloma's avatar

@Oceanfront

I just call it as I see my darling. I’m more than old enough to be your mama, and I am a firm beleiver in not decieving others.
I agree with @bookish1 Why not just have a discussion about BOTH of you having an open relationship?
Or…would you not be okay with him pursuing other sugar babies aside from you?

I also hear a lot of narcissistic self glorifying, you really seem to think that because you are so beautiful and desirable that this guy would take you back with open arms? That’s pretty egocentric. Don’t count on it.

You know there’s an old saying that no matter how beautiful she is,somebody,somewhere is sick of her shit. Don;tmake the mistake of being so arrogant that you think you can cheat on this man and then manipulate him into forgiving you becuase your’re such a hot little dish.

Nuff said, my apologies for anything you take offense at,however, I have zero tolerence for deceptive personalities.
The GOOD news is, you are being given a lot of food for thought, and if you’re going to expose yoursself to a public forum for advice you need to be prepared that you might not like every answer.

I wish you well, just remember even the most scrumptious cupcakes go stale.
I’d keep your baked goods fresh in this relationship if you wish to preserve it’s shelf life.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma @Coloma – When did I say that my boyfriend would take me back just because I am beautiful? Please don’t mess up your words. I never said anything close to that, that my boyfriend would take me back just because I’m attractive.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma I’m not going to cheat on my boyfriend. I had inner conflict. I’m not planning on cheating then manipulating anyone to forgive me just because I’m a “hot little dish”. I was confused. It happens.

Coloma's avatar

@Oceanfront I agree, but, I did pick up on a vibe of thinking you can do whatever you want and feel he will still love you. 10lbs. and a few zits is not the same as shredding someones heart. Well…it’s a wrap then….good call girl. NOW….your challenge is to keep this mindset for more than the next 24 hours.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma No I don’t think I can do whatever I want and feel he would still love me. That’s not my style. Inside my head and in lust I feel confused, but my mission is not to think I can do whatever I want. I am sure I’ll be able to rack that up for the next 24 hours thanks o_O

Coloma's avatar

Just caught my inadvertent pun..” good CALL girl”. Forgive me, the temptation was just too much. All in good humor, nobody flip out! haha

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Sorry, this should not even be crossing your mind!

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma – I know I saw that haha, no worries.

Oceanfront's avatar

@ZEPHYRA I know it shouldn’t be crossing my mind, that is why I feel confused and guilty for even thinking about it :(

partyrock's avatar

@Oceanfront IF YOU CHEAT AND REGRET IT, YOU CAN NEVER TAKE IT BACK, THE DAMAGE IS DONE.

IF YOU DON’T CHEAT YOU CAN ALWAYS SEE THIS GUY ANOTHER TIME IN THE FUTURE WHEN YOU ARE SINGLE.

Just my advice. Sorry for putting everything in caps, lol.

wundayatta's avatar

You mention you are going into therapy, but you don’t say what your diagnosis is. It could be important in terms of understanding your desires. For example, people with bipolar disorder often exhibit what is called hypersexual behavior.

In my opinion, it is not really about sex, but about connection. I think some people need more intense connections with more people than others do. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people can’t handle this. Monogamy is the only choice. Everything else is wrong. Must people are very vehement and judgmental about this.

If you want to love more than one person, you realistically don’t have that option. Either you are monogamous or you cheat. There is no room to be ethical and cheat.

If you want to feed this need in you, you will have to cheat. If you can control yourself, you will always be missing something. You can’t do it openly. Just keep an eye on the level of desire you feel. If it gets too strong, something will have to be done.

Oceanfront's avatar

I am bipolar diagnosed and my current boyfriend thinks I’m schizotypal too.

Coloma's avatar

@Oceanfront Then @wundayatta is your go to guy, he’s the resident expert on that condition.

Shippy's avatar

@wundayatta I’d be careful of blaming every action we take on Bipolar.

wundayatta's avatar

It is common for bipolar people to have a lot of sexual relationships. Usually we do out in a way that most people think is unhealthy. Sex with strangers picked up in bars is common.

Some of us have multiple relationships, either secretly or openly. Just about all of us struggle with these urges. I don’t know if people who don’t have the condition can imagine how powerful or urges can be. It sounds ridiculously melodramatic, but it can feel like a matter of life and death. Its about love, passion, intensity, intimacy and the black hole of empty loneliness. Most people will scoff, and just tell you to keep it in your pants. They will say you are a troll. Yu have no self control. You are a failure as a moral person.

I have no self control. But I try to be moral. I can tell that you do, too. I wish you luck, but if you fail, please try hard not to beat yourself to a pulp it doesn’t help. You are still a good person.

wundayatta's avatar

@shippy There’s a difference between understanding why people think differently, and blaming something on something. I seek to understand why I think differently and why I seem to want different things from most people.

I’m still responsible for my actions. Even if I blame my way of thinking on the disorder. Thus is a common pattern of behavior. Demonizing us for our sexuality doesn’t help.

Shippy's avatar

@wundayatta I can understand the thinking part. But as a fellow sufferer, I have never trolled bars or looked for multiple partners. I also in fact have been loyal to any person I have had a relationship with. I have been tempted in the past, with past relationships, but that can happen to any individual. The feeling was overpowering. But was a person I had spent probably too much time with in a counselor/counseled capacity.

Ironically most of my partners were the ones that had affairs or were unfaithful.

I just feel as people with Bipolar we need follow the same rules that regular people do. Suffering the same consequence. I do feel this question is a question that could be asked by anyone of us in the population. Should I stay with my boyfriend or run off with the one I am thinking about?

It bothers me when we become Bipolar, we own it and say My Bipolar. As we suffer with it, we are not subject to it. Maybe easier said than done. I have anger issues. Rages and tempers. But not unprovoked, however, I find this part of Bipolar very frustrating for me. As I hate anger and I hate rage. I do not expect to be “let off the hook” for it.

If I was unfaithful I would expect to suffer to the consequence. Luckily though I have a SO that is so tuned to my hyper sexuality perhaps that is why I wouldnt bother to even try someone else. Maybe that has made a difference to me?

glacial's avatar

I know everyone will hate me for saying this, but I find it incredibly irritating. When did bipolar become a noun? Can people please use it as the adjective that it is?

Shippy's avatar

@glacial I meant “It bothers me when we “become” Bipolar meaning, we are that, as opposed to the characteristics attributed to it. (If you were referring to me.)

glacial's avatar

@Shippy I do know what you meant, and I don’t mean to single you out at all – I find this is becoming a very common trend with this specific disorder, for some reason. Linguistically, it just really bothers me. To read the phrase “my bipolar”, for example, makes my brain hurt!

Shippy's avatar

@glacial It makes my head hurt too, and that is my point. It is NO ONES Bipolar. People say “I am dealing with my Bipolar” where is it theirs? why do they own it so? Why do they make in “mine” “my”. I am also not referring to anyone here, but I hear this from Bipolar sufferers. I also get tired of people with Bipolar thinking the rules are different for them, they’re not. I am useless at grammar so you will have to take a headache pill!!

Kardamom's avatar

It might be best for you, and for both of these gentleman if you bowed out gracefully and took some time to get the therapy that you need. Will your current boyfriend still let you have (as a gift) or borrow the money you need for your therapy? If not, can your parents or other relatives or friends help you pay for it?

It doesn’t seem right for you to be using your current boyfriend like a “sugar daddy” even if he has lots of money, even if it’s only a drop in the bucket for him. It makes you seem very greedy. According to you, this fellow is now your actual boyfriend and it seems like under that circumstance there should be more of an equal participation in the relationship for you now, instead of you just leeching off of him. That whole “sugar daddy/sugar baby” thing is really skeevy. That’s not a judgement, that’s my actual opinion.

You told us how much you like the money and being pampered, most, if not all of us, think that you would leave your boyfriend in an instant if his funds dried up. That’s not a judgement against you, that’s a statistical probability.

I forgot if you said whether or not you currently have a job? You said that you used to be an escort. Isn’t that illegal? I’ve always understood the term escort to be a code word for prostitute. If there is a difference between the two, maybe someone could clear up that confusion for me. Do you have other employment now?

It also doesn’t seem right for you to stay with the current boyfriend simply because you are so conflicted. It doesn’t seem fair to him, even if you haven’t yet cheated on him. Getting therapy might be useful to help you become more focused on doing the “right” thing with regards to everyone involved, whatever the right thing is. Could be that you choose not to cheat, but don’t continue to feel conflicted. Could be that you choose to leave your current boyfriend and try to make a go of it with the ex. Could be that you and your current boyfriend choose to have an open relationship. Or it could even mean that you walk away from both of these fellows, get your life sorted out and find someone more suitable (in all ways) down the line.

Yes, most people want a nice, decent life and no one actually chooses to live in a parking lot, but decent, able bodied people make an effort to work and share responsibilities with their families and their partners. Right now you’re just a taker and that probably won’t bode well for your future. Some people might think you’re awesome, but most people are going to classify your behavior as greedy and lazy. Is that really something you want to aspire to?

I know you most likely think that I am being judgemental. You’re right. But I hope that you can see that judgement is not always bad. That’s why there is good judgement and bad judgement and I hope that you can see the difference and hopefully make some good choices for yourself and for these two gentlemen.

And I hope that you’ll be able to figure it out before you and either of these guys make any babbys together. Good luck to you.

wundayatta's avatar

This is too long. You really don’t want to read it.

@Shippy You’ve never trolled bars. Good for you. Hey! Guess what? Neither have I. I’m not a big drinker, or I’m sure I would have. However, I have had to deal with this issue all my life and I have come to believe that it is harder for us than it is for most. I think sex means more to us, on average that to people who don’t have the disorder. I think we experience life in a significantly different way from others.

There is no way to ever prove that. Individual experience will always remain only that. Even if the fMRIs can read every change of a molecular state in our brains, I don’t think we’ll ever be able to create a one to one correspondence between chemistry and feelings and thoughts.

You say we need to follow the same rules as everyone else. I say that as long as we do that, one in five people with bipolar disorder will still be committing suicide. I say that that is too much of a cost.

Now I’m sure people will laugh at me and call me hysterical for saying that we can apply the same rules of rest of society to bipolar folks and all it will cost us is one-fifth the population, and since those folks are crazy, no one really cares. It’ll be fine. However, I have come to this conclusion after a great deal of struggle and thought.

It can be so hard to separate out the disorder from regular thinking, and I don’t know if it’s possible. Brain chemistry changes everything, including our thoughts. Including our way of thinking; our thinking habits; and indeed, the actually thoughts we think, particularly the ones having to do with relationships and emotions.

People will think I’m rationalizing behavior, and they might well be right. Maybe I’m just an idiot, thinking that if I don’t get enough intense connections with women, I’ll get so lonely and depressed I’ll kill myself. But I know where I’ve been and what it felt like and I know what makes me feel different; like living. I know the thoughts are persistent and strong. Maybe it’s true and maybe it isn’t. But if I don’t find a way to feel connected, I will get depressed. And if I get depressed, I don’t know what I might do. When I feel loved, none of these thoughts happen.

For twenty years, I was faithful, although for ten of those years, things got progressively worse, ending with getting sick (so the doctors tell me), and “acting out” as the therapy community likes to call it. Since then, it’s been a struggle, but I will say that my responsibilities to my wife and children are my top priority. But my responsibility to myself is also a high priority, because if I’m not around, I can’t help anyone else.

So I would take an alternative approach—one where you do what you have to in order to stay alive. You’re no good to anyone dead. I think that for bipolar folks, this is a serious risk. Well, I know it’s a serious risk for me. I fully expect to be laughed at and derided for this, because I know how people think and how this is an idea few people could conceive of. Perhaps it is just another symptom. I don’t know.

But I’d take your feelings seriously. I would not try to shove them down. Ideally, you would discuss them with your boyfriend, and perhaps even get permission to see your ex. But ideal is unlikely and will probably put you out on the street.

Another option is to sneak around. Of course, if you do that, you will feel guilty and you will always have that secret coming between you and your bf. Eventually, it could break any closeness that you have. So it could cost you this relationship, even if you never get caught, and you will get caught. We always do. Often we are forgiven, time and time again, but that doesn’t matter. The guilt eats you up, and you won’t let yourself be trusted, even if he chooses to trust you again.

Your final option is to not do it. To let it eat at you and take over your mind, which it will, because that’s how our minds work. We need to find ways to release the thoughts without acting on them, if we are to honor our promises. This is not easy.

I find that having online relationships is safer. I never meet the person. I just get this kind of brain fix—fall in love—and then, as I always do, I push the people away and break up, and I’ve had this burst of intensity without actually doing anything in the real world that would cause a problem. I do not to this on purpose. It’s just a pattern I’ve noticed. It’s not something I have been able to control, so far. I try not to beat myself up for it, because it’s easy to look at myself and wonder why it’s so easy for everyone else to keep their virtual pecker in their virtual pants. See. I’m being mean to myself so other people can come along and help me out. I’m a shame junkie, too. Inviting people to beat me up, in the same way you have by asking this question (and this question was guaranteed to have people try to shame you, whether you were conscious of it or not).

But I also have hope that maybe some people will understand. Maybe they will find my version of event persuasive. Maybe they won’t think I’m a soulless, immoral douchebag, as one user here always calls me. But there’s always lots of hate here if you enjoy that kind of thing.

I think we need to be accepted despite our behavior. I don’t think we can be accepted. People consider that condoning behavior that would destroy society. Perhaps they are right. Perhaps it is best if we just die if we can’t conform. And it’s probably as black and white as that. Martyrs for something, at best. But unlikely. Aagh. It makes me sick. I think it’s better to cheat than to die. But I don’t think I’ll have any luck convincing anyone those could ever be the choices for some people. They’ll insist it is possible to abstain without getting depressed. For your sake, I hope that is possible. If I were a praying man, I’d pray to ever god I knew that you weren’t like me. Aren’t you glad you asked? LOL.

Shippy's avatar

@wundayatta I really hope you do not feel I am ‘picking’ on you here. But of course I find your thinking interesting, as I also have been diagnosed Bipolar. This you know already.

But my question to you is this, you have always stressed that medication is the way to go. In fact you have even at times said that you would have “little to do with ” a none medicated BP sufferer. The part I find interesting is, if you are medicated why are you “suffering” so? Why do these thoughts rule your life.?

When I read this OP’s question, my first thought was, it is a regular question. Looking back on the question. Bipolar would be the least likely diagnosis, if we were to try and add a diagnosis. I would have said Histrionic (fascination with looks and equating life justification based on looks) and maybe borderline. That ever empty empty feeling, despite being loved and cared for, still not feeling loved and cared for. That bottomless pit.

But of course we are not psychologists are we.

I do hear you on one point though, to not be allowed to think differently would definitely mean suicide at worse or recluse at best. I choose the latter. Because I could not be so selfish as to hurt my child and people who love me, simply because I am a fucked up mess. But in actions all repercussions remain the same. For me anyway.

wundayatta's avatar

I had a feeling, almost instantly, about the OP’s diagnosis. It’s why I asked. We are not that special. We share a lot of common things, and you can pretty much be sure at least half the time that if someone is talking about sex with more than one person they have the diagnosis. I don’t even know why I bother to ask, anymore, instead of just saying what I suspect. Except that’s not nice, really. People should volunteer this information, but it’s scary how strong the pattern is.

There are other things that are part of the pattern so often, it is scary. Childhood abuse, for example. Not always. But more so often you can often look psychic if you say it before you are told. There is also an energy that we share. I don’t know how to describe it very well. All I can say is a certain intensity. It appears as a need to talk about important topics instead of small talk. Impatience with the way most people talk to each other.

The brains moving faster also appears in a certain way that affects both the way we write and the way we talk. It’s easier to see in person. The way the eyes move. The quality of attention the person pays to others. The interest with which they look at you. The way they test you with words; challenge you.

And the inability to say no. We’ll do anything other than tell someone no. We can be slippery in conversation as we seek not to be dishonest, yet not say no, and it’s all because of a need to be loved.

Usually, when we are younger, we go along with that need. As we get older, we get defensive about it, and might deny it at much as we embraced it earlier. The change happens when we’ve been disappointed enough in love.

Medication? I’m still on it. I don’t think it’s time to go off. But the scary thing for me is that the things like this topic are things that I think I like. I don’t want drugs to take this away. And they didn’t. My desire for love has not been killed by the drugs. I guess I thought it might be. But it wasn’t, and the struggle I face will never go away, and if it does, then I don’t know if I’ll have anything to live for.

But here’s my problem: if this is what keeps me alive, yet other people think it is a bad thing, then how do I consider myself a good person and do what I want to do (and perhaps need to do)? These thoughts are omnipresent. I don’t think they could go away unless I was dead, and that’s not what I want to do. I don’t think drugs—except maybe haldol—could take these thoughts away. That’s a pretty blunt instrument—haldol.

No, we are not psychologists, but we are experts. We have experience that very few psychologists have. We get a front row seat in watching ourselves. If we are capable of it, we can see with different brains as the same time—the brain that knows what society thinks, and the brain of our own thoughts. We can see when they diverge, and wonder about it. And wonder we do. For anyone who cares, we tend to go around and around, wondering how to reconcile our brains natural thoughts with what we know are most other people’s thoughts.

When we feel different, we can have many reactions. But one reaction is to try to figure out why we are different, and how we can come to accept our way of thinking without punishing ourselves for being so wrong. It is very difficult, but I suspect if we can’t find a way to do that, we end up depressed, and many of the depressed end up killing themselves. We would love to conform. I assure you, we would. It would be so much easier. No one would rather die than conform unless they didn’t have a choice. Or so I believe.

burntbonez's avatar

This is not something I have thought much about before, but it is an interesting discussion.

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

If you feel guilty now just thinking about this, imagine if you go through with it how you will feel. That’s kind of a sad excuse. Something tells me that if you are thinking you will cheat, that you only do have your current bf because he helps you out monetarily, I do not think you have feelings for him anymore than that, he might be fulfilling a monetary position in your life, but if had any feeling of love for your current bf you would not feel guilty because you would feel fulfilled instead. That’s just my opinion.

deni's avatar

Just pick one or the other! Cheating is not going to cause ANYTHING good to happen regardless of the outcome! Don’t do it.

rooeytoo's avatar

I don’t think I am taking this as seriously as the rest of you are. She is 22, hell she still has wild oats to sow. What is the big deal. At 37 he should realize that when he was 15 years younger he probably had wild oats to sow as well. I think that is a huge age difference, not so much at this stage of life but in a few more. I see friends who married men so much older, now they are nothing but nurses for the oldies or sit at home because their mate is too old and tired to do anything. That may sound crass but age does make a difference.

I would say go ahead and do it. See if it is worth it, if it is then forget the oldie and stick with someone your own age. Work together to pay the rent. It if is not as good as you thought it might be then beg the oldie to take you back. Or never tell him in the first place.

Let’s face it, there are not many in this world who have only been with one other person, why judge her so harshly.

I didn’t realize wanting to experiment was indicative of a mental illness. If it is then I would estimate that 99% of the world is mentally ill. Course I think that anyhow, so it doesn’t make much difference.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Kardamom – I don’t care what you or anyone thinks if you guys so passionately believe that I would leave my boyfriend if he didn’t have money. I already stated that I wouldn’t, and I am not going to defend that because I know what I say is true. It’s not worth it to me to explain myself in that arena, believe whatever you want to believe.

Escorts get paid for companionship – They get paid to attend high social functions with men as a companion. They get paid to be at dinner. They get paid to be at a black tie affair. There is no sex—- and if the two do have sex, it is between two consenting adults. But the man is paying for her TIME and companionship.

Prostitutes just have sex for money. They put prices with sex acts, let’s say 500$ for so and so…. That’s what prostitutes do.

It’s a thin line. People who don’t know what their talking about will assume they are the same. What do you consider prostitution?

What about trophy wives? What about girls who expect their boyfriends to always pay for their dinner?

It’s not also the woman’s fault and I think it is not compassionate to judge.

The men who use escorts are men who are Doctors, CEOS, on the Forbes list, Fortune 500 companies, AND EVEN HIGH RANKING POLITICIANS.

Before you judge women who do it because they are too stupid to get a normal job, how about you judge the MEN as well who pay for them?

Some men want beautiful women, and women want a man who is financially secure—if you call that prostitution, then go ahead—- but you might as well call the man a USER as well.

The line of prostitution is blurred. I think your comment is ignorant.

Your definition of a prostitute is for olden times. Open your eyes. If it is wrong it is your moral opinion, but might as well look down on women who are not openly saying they escort.

Maybe in one small form or another other women have done things for favors or to get by.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Kardamom – I trade stocks with my boyfriend.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Kardamom – The word prostitution has such an ugly connotation attached to it. I feel it is very ignorant and mean to judge someone because of what they do or used to do. Do you think women who escort are not intelligent or capable? Do you not think they are good people? Open your eyes. You may have been hanging out with a woman who escorts or not even know it. You might have been speaking with a doctor who has a special escort he sees once a month. I hate that negative connotation – it is hateful. Kind of like the word herpes. It is just ignorant and mean. What about retard? Do you judge them too because of their label? What about handicap? What about garbage man? What about a model? Isn’t she selling her body, looks, and time for money?

partyrock's avatar

I don’t think it’s right for some of you to judge her so harshly. She came on her wanting advice for her “love triangle”. I don’t think it’s right to judge someone because of what they used to do or put a label on them. Everyone has their own issues and inner demons to work with, none of us are perfect here. At least she can tell us everything honestly and put all her cards on the table.

“Every sinner has a future and every saint has a past.” Comes into mind.

burntbonez's avatar

@rooeytoo Experimentation is not what I had in mind. The kind of thing I had in mind is when you have a boy or girlfriend and you cheat on them with ten different people in a year, that’s not experimentation.

Paradox25's avatar

I can’t believe some of these responses here, and you’re not going to recieve any encouragement or pity from me here either. You should do the right thing here and break it off with him, but you’re going to do what you want anyways. How can people say that it is justifiable to cheat on somebody? Don’t cheat, break up. Oh, I forgot about the perks, never mind.

chyna's avatar

@Oceanfront You seem very angry. You said in your second post “I don’t want to be with my ex. He can’t give me anything that my current boyfriend doesn’t.” What is your issue then?
Don’t cheat. Or do cheat. No one here really cares.

lightsourcetrickster's avatar

So you love the guy you’re with now. You might be serious about your relationship with this guy but really – better the devil you know than the devil you don’t – you’ve been with the guy for a long time now.
“My boyfriend cannot know that I’ve cheated on him.”
From what I’ve seen, heard and read there aren’t many cheaters who don’t get caught out.

rooeytoo's avatar

You know the way I figure it is, if I really love someone, I might see another that piques my interest but I would not proceed because of my situation. There is no moral or other dilemma. If however, the relationship I am in is not the perfect fit, then the dilemma occurs.

Coloma's avatar

@rooeytoo The issue isn’t about being young and sexual experimentation. It is about being dishonest and deceitful. Apples & Oranges.

Coloma's avatar

Also, Selling oneself sexually for material or monetary gain is not a hallmark of an intelligent and capable woman.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma I beg to differ, I knew working girls who were in graduate school to become doctors.

Coloma's avatar

@Oceanfront That only shows that intelligent people can still make stupid choices.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma That is your own opinion of what stupidity is.

Coloma's avatar

@Oceanfront Self respect and integrity are not opinions, they are positive traits for anyone that wishes to evolve beyond the IQ of a head of lettuce.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma – It is your opinion of what occupation or job someone does equates to their intelligence or morals. It’s strange you assume just because someone does an unconventional job – or something that is taboo – you think they must be stupid or not educated. People come from all walks of life. You can be a lawyer, go to the best school, never even get a ticket, and be an idiot or “fuck up”. How you definite “stupidity” and “integrity” are your own.

I don’t judge people and just because someone worked a job that was taboo or different, I would think any less of them. I respect people from all walks of life regardless their job title.

Unbroken's avatar

You know you two might be fast friends by the time all this is over.

Response moderated (Personal Attack)
Unbroken's avatar

Thanks for the reminder. I am amazed and grateful at far we have come in so little of time. Of course we still have a ways to go.
Take heart a few of us are stepping up to the plate.

Response moderated (Personal Attack)
Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma – And is it not feminism to be able to do what you want with your body? Who is the person who says what is right or what is wrong? You have this dull and lame idea in your head that because a girl is or was an escort, that she must be a dumb “bimbo”. You obviously have been stuck in the 70’s and are very close minded.

I have met and seen girls who were going through medical school who were escorts.

You see it as a disgusting thing because you do not understand it.

You see it as negative because society has brainwashed people into thinking that a WOMAN can not and should not choose what or how she uses her body, brains, etc.

You see it as negative, but for some women of this generation, it is very empowering AND fulfilling.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma It’s like feminists saying that Playboy or Hugh Hefner exploits women… Really? NO, WOMEN EXPLOIT THEMSELVES. And if a woman chooses to do what she wants with her body, then so be it.

That itself is freedom, even if society deems is as unacceptable or “stupid”.

Oceanfront's avatar

It is true feminism and freedom to choose the way a woman wants to live her life. A woman should be in control of her body and destiny. There are stupid and bimbo people REGARDLESS of who they are or what they do – it isn’t fair to judge someone solely on their job title. It is quite ignorant to think that because a girl is an escort she is automatically a bimbo. This is a huge world, and you have probably sat with a working girl and not even know it.

Coloma's avatar

@Oceanfront Okay…and just WHAT is your definition of “Bimbo”?
A bimbo is a hooker, a stripper, a gold digger and/or any female that capitalizes on her sexuality for monetary gain, whether she can count to 10 without using her fingers and toes is optional. Your body your choice, yes, in matters of abortion and sexual choice, but hustling your T&A doesn’t fall into that category.

You are correct, women exploit themselves, and exploit is the word.
I cleaned stables when I was in school, shoveling horse shit.
You’re shoveling horse shit too I’m afraid.

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma – A bimbo is a woman who carries herself in an immature, rude way and has no class or brains. I’ve met and seen some amazing women who are quite intelligent, classy, and come from good family backgrounds who escort. I believe it is wrong to judge a person by a negative stereotype—that is like saying just because a man is a garbage collector, he must be stupid right?

Oceanfront's avatar

@Coloma – Actually it does fall into that category. I don’t think you’re a feminist. You’ve missed the whole point.

rooeytoo's avatar

I better reread, I didn’t realize the lady was a hooker??? She just wants a fling with an old boyfriend. I had a friend in USA who was in the same boat years ago. Only she was married to the older dude. It was a crap marriage, had it been good she would not have been craving the old boyfriend. She ended up divorcing the old dude and married a completely different guy and is still living happily ever after 20 years later. I would say break up with the old dude and do him and yourself a favor.

Coloma's avatar

@Oceanfront Oh, so you’re saying hookers and escorts and strippers and porn stars are
” classy.” They may not be Bimbos by your definition but there is nothing classy about any of those “professions.”
The point is that it is self degrading and degrading to all women when females sell their sexual favors be it escorting or hooking or gold digging.
We have gone far off topic, if you wish to pander yourself for trinkets and cash that’s your right. I am actually embarrassed I have allowed myself to engage in such absurdity, out of character for me 99% of the time.

rooeytoo's avatar

@Coloma – I agree on that one. I feel sorry for women who have no more self respect than to peddle themselves as receptacles. I also feel sorry for the men who use them as such.

jonsblond's avatar

We shouldn’t degrade the women who fall into sex professions. A woman who can detach herself emotionally from sex, use protection and get paid isn’t stupid. She’s taking the opportunity that’s given to her. There would be no opportunity if it wasn’t for the men who prey on women. It’s the men that deserve the bad names. Women need support from other women, not name calling. How can we help each other when we judge what the other does to put food on the table?

augustlan's avatar

[mod says] Flame off folks. There is no need to make this personal.

rooeytoo's avatar

@jonsblond – I can’t abide by that one. There are other jobs out there. They may not pay as much but I wouldn’t want my children to think that is an option or could ever be an acceptable form of employment. I would want them to have self respect and I think it is impossible to be a sex worker and have that.

augustlan's avatar

Truly, I don’t understand why people have such a hard time with sex workers. A data entry worker gets paid to use their hands, right? What makes any other body part so different? So long as all parties are willing, what’s the problem?

Unbroken's avatar

@Oceanfront Lol. Nope not even close I was not even referring to you.
I truly do appreciate the women’s movement.
But since you attacked me personally for my presumed looks or dotage you proved yourself to be a judgemental shallow and ageist.
Which is fine by me. I don’t know you or care.
It’s easy to talk about and rationalize a multitude of things. It is so easy to say you are different nonjudgemental, mature, realistic, respectful and well mannered, it is quite a different thing to actually be those those things.
But no worries I won’t hold it against you.
I see your response to me was moderated. I wish it hadn’t been. I literally take no offense.

jonsblond's avatar

@rooeytoo I would hope it would be a last option for that line of work, but some people have no options at any given moment, I spent a miserable month at a gentleman’s club in Las Vegas when I was 18. A bouncer made me stay after hours to watch himself jack off or I would be out of a job. I had nowhere else to go. I needed food and shelter. I guess that just made me a bimbo for a month. (I applied at many clothing stores before I took the job. Entry level jobs at the clothing stores and no one would take me. A friend told me where I could make some quick money and I took the job. I had nowhere else to turn at the moment.)

Unbroken's avatar

@augustlan I think it has more to do with cheating and not telling the guy who is paying her way.

@Coloma is irritated and takes offense because she fought hard for women’s rights and that is not what she fought for. An understandable position.

rooeytoo's avatar

@jonsblond – i haven’t walked in your shoes so I should not have commented. I apologize.

jonsblond's avatar

@rooeytoo No need to apologize. I would not want my daughter to live the way I did. I hope I can be a better parent and that type of work won’t ever cross her path. I think it’s a disgusting way to make money, but the reasons why women do it are varied, and I can’t judge someone negatively for doing it. It’s usually a last resort for someone to have a job like this.

augustlan's avatar

@rosehips I was replying to the side discussion about sex workers and judgment, not to the main question.

jonsblond's avatar

Don’t cheat! guilt sucks. seeing the one you love hurt sucks more.

(sorry, didn’t answer the question until now)

augustlan's avatar

Oops, me neither! Agreed. Don’t cheat.

Shippy's avatar

No one gets paid to go to dinner with someone, sorry this question is rank I’m out of here.

OpryLeigh's avatar

If you are thinking about cheating on your boyfriend after only a few months when you should still be in the honeymoon period, how do you think you will feel a few years down the line when the relationship is (possibly) less exciting and more routine/comfortable? I strongly doubt you are in love with your boyfriend, you may care about him, you may even love him as a friend but when you are in love with someone, cheating isn’t an option.

jrpowell's avatar

@augustlan ::

Truly, I don’t understand why people have such a hard time with sex workers. A data entry worker gets paid to use their hands, right? What makes any other body part so different? So long as all parties are willing, what’s the problem?

Part of me agrees but another part is concerned about the circumstances that occur where people need to go into the sex-trade.

I doubt the women enjoy it and I would prefer to look into how to prevent it from being their only option.

bookish1's avatar

@johnpowell : I have known some sex workers and some do indeed enjoy it.

Why not work to make it legal and safe for those who engage in it, instead of vilifying those who participate in it, which only reinforces the notion that if they get raped, murdered, etc., they ‘deserved’ it for engaging in such a ‘base’, ‘demeaning’ line of work?

Dude where is Simone_de_Beauvoir when we need a dose of third wave feminism??

Kardamom's avatar

@Oceanfront Do you not see the irony of your own judgements of the rest of us???

Everybody makes judgements when they see or hear information. Even you.

Everything that I have said are my own opinions and everything that you and everyone else has said are their own opinions, and they are indeed judgements. Judgements based upon our own backgrounds, level of maturity, experiences and beliefs about what is right and wrong, what is useful or harmful, what is worthy of respect and what is not.

Here are some of your own statements that are judgemental about the rest of us.

No I’m not a troll, it’s disgusting some people would think that, but go figure.

I do not care about your opinion on that.

It is disgusting what you think, but I do not blame you because you do not know me and are purely judging.

You sound really mean and hateful

Your definition of a prostitute is for olden times.

The word prostitution has such an ugly connotation attached to it. I feel it is very ignorant and mean to judge someone because of what they do or used to do

I hate that negative connotation – it is hateful.

It’s strange you assume just because someone does an unconventional job – or something that is taboo – you think they must be stupid or not educated.

You see it as a disgusting thing because you do not understand it.

You obviously have been stuck in the 70’s and are very close minded.

It is quite ignorant to think that because a girl is an escort she is automatically a bimbo.

A bimbo is a woman who carries herself in an immature, rude way and has no class or brains.

You have this dull and lame idea in your head that because a girl is or was an escort, that she must be a dumb “bimbo”.

I don’t think you’re a feminist

And then there was your personal attack on one of our members, but I can’t post it here, because it’s been modded off.

So as I see it you claim to be non-judgemental, but you have described some of us as disgusting, wrong, judgemental, mean and hateful, living in olden times, ignorant and mean, strange, disgusting, close minded, dull and lame.

Every person who has come onto this thread has given you their best answer given the information that you presented. Maybe if you would have just asked whether or not it’s OK to cheat on your boyfriend, you might have gotten slightly different answers (although I think most people would have still said that it’s wrong for you to cheat on your boyfriend, and everybody would be giving you that answer based upon their own judgement) but since you decided to add in the “little” tidbit about your being an escort (which in my opinion and judgement is the same thing as being a hooker or prostitute, even though you think those words are ugly like herpes. Although I’m not sure how you equated a STD with a shady, and in most states, illegal, profession. Shall we henceforth refer to herpes as “that yucky disease that causes ouchy lesions on the genitalia”?) The information about being an escort was thrown in, and it added a whole other dimension to your question, because instead of just being about a man and a woman, it became a question about a hooker and a john, which are not the same thing as a boyfriend and girlfriend.

I guess I’m still unsure of what you really want to know. I just hope that next time, you use better judgement.

Coloma's avatar

@Kardamom Well said!
Yes, the irony, as judging judgement is a judgement. haha

ragingloli's avatar

“Every person who has come onto this thread has given you their best answer given the information that you presented.”
Yeah, no. One of these “best answers” was a suggestion of suicide, and she has been called a whore as well.

burntbonez's avatar

It’s a question that invites people to be judgmental. Perhaps the OP secretly wanted to be judged because that might have been how she felt she should behave, but knew, if she didn’t get reinforcement, she would give into her desires.

Coloma's avatar

@ragingloli
Truth is not offensive, it is just truth.
Sexual favors in exchange for money, or other means of financial gain and support falls into the classification of that derogatory term. Can’t argue with the truth, no matter how unpleasant.
If one bakes bread for a living that does make them a baker. lol

burntbonez's avatar

Yeah, and if you have downs syndrome, you fall into the category of a retard. Doesn’t mean you have to use the term though. We can choose to be polite, if we want to be.

ragingloli's avatar

@Coloma
Yeah, and someone who gets paid for killing people is a paid murderer, but I am sure you would never be caught calling soldiers murderers. (I would, though. Soldiers are state paid murderers.) That is “just the truth”, too.
You know, crap like this is what I expect from /b/tards on 4chan.

Coloma's avatar

@burntbonez I agree, so we’ll stick with the PC label of “sex worker“if that makes it any better. The old…“if it walks like a duck” mantra comes to mind.
I never used the word “whore.” Hooker yes, whore no.

@ragingloli So would I, sooo….careful with the assumptions.
Giving legal license to murder through government doesn’t change the cold, hard facts.

bookish1's avatar

Yeesh, I’m glad I didn’t see the suggestion of suicide. Holy crap.

I agree with you, @ragingloli. Why is it any business of the state’s if someone wants to have sex with someone else for money? When it is illegal, it is a dangerous black market.

But I also respect @Coloma for being consistent in opposing prostitution for both men and women, at least.

glacial's avatar

@ragingloli Was there literally a suggestion of suicide, or are you just referring to @wundayatta‘s post about the risk of suicide related to a bipolar disorder?

ragingloli's avatar

@glacial
Literally a suggestion of suicide.
to (sort of) quote: “I know this will be modded, but have you considered killing yourself?”
It was the first modded response.

glacial's avatar

@ragingloli Jesus. People are mean.

Shippy's avatar

@bookish1 It is when it is criminalized that women suffer rape and abuse. Also have issues like STD’s just to name a few. Plus cannot report the men who abuse or rape or steal from them. Not to mention human trafficking. I am with you 100% on decriminalizing it. People mistakenly believe that means “agree with” or facilitate the act. Funny how the people who use Prostitutes are not criminalized? or degraded nor get insults flung at them.When these women need often counseling, advice on general issues to do with sex and health issues in relation to this. Not only pertaining to sexual intercourse.

I don’t believe this person the OP exists. If she does she is highly confused regards her former profession. A Prostitute is a Prostitute is a Prostitute. No matter how young or pretty or mature and sexy you are. NO one pays for dinner. The words Escort, Call Girl , Hooker etc., are all the same thing. These are terms merely used in advertising to avoid legal issues. Further more a Prostitute does not find any of the terms insulting. Hooker, whore, Prossy, call girl they are quite OK with it. What they get tetchy with is the client base they will or wont work with.

Yes you might be asked to accompany a person to dinner, but sex is the goal at the end. At an additional fee. So really, this whole question is fake.

@ragingloli Would you show me where this was posted. I don’t recall seeing it (the suicide remark).

ragingloli's avatar

@Shippy
The 6th response in this thread, where it now reads “Response moderated (Personal Attack)”, right above mine.

Coloma's avatar

I did not see who posted the suicide ref. very evil.
My point IS, that USING others sexually or otherwise is not something that self respecting people do, along with the fact that the whole feminist scene was about stopping the sexual objectification of females.
No matter how you slice it I seriously doubt anyone could say, in truth, that if their child came to them and said ” I want to be a porn star, stripper, call girl/ gigolo when I grow up” that you would encourage that as your childs professional goal in life.

Anyone that says they would support their child in reducing themselves to a bunch of body parts on the sexual auction block of objectification is either insane or lying.

burntbonez's avatar

I’m confused. Is this discussion of terminology just a side conversation, or is it relevant to the OP?

wundayatta's avatar

@Shippy Do you think it impossible that someone could have a relationship for sale relationship with someone and that the relationship could convert to a love relationship?

If someone was selling sex, they would never think to ask this question. It would be completely unnecessary. No, she has established a relationship, but now wants to get involved with an ex. Surely you have had different kinds of relationships with men, and who knows, maybe more than one relationship at once? I don’t know, but it seems to me that this is not an uncommon occurrence.

chyna's avatar

@wundayatta Psst, @Shippy seems to have left the building.

glacial's avatar

Well, that is a damned shame. I really like Shippy, and I hope she comes back.

jonsblond's avatar

^^me too

augustlan's avatar

Me, three.

@johnpowell I agree that in a criminalized environment, the circumstances that result in someone being a sex worker are usually not good. If there were no stigma, if it were legal and safe, things might be different.

cookieman's avatar

Mmmmm…“baked goods” and “pork chops”.

Huh? Oh yes. To answer the question: If you think your desire toward your ex may lead to an actual encounter, you should tell your boyfriend. You owe him that much honesty. Then let the chips fall where they may.

Coloma's avatar

@cookieman Don’t you mean “Chippy.” lol

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

No. You should not.

CheshireCatsWit's avatar

Simple. Don’t cheat. Think about the negative effects and only the negative effects on both sides. Weigh them against each other and you have your answer. Considering the amount of “No, you should not cheat”‘s or “Break up with the guy, do yourself and him a favour” advice, their point is very understandable. Let’s stick with that. However, it does not reserve the right for a personal attack upon the person, reasons are reasons; let’s leave it at that.

Coloma's avatar

@CheshireCatsWit Welcome! :-)

I agree, however…reasons are still not excuses.

Kardamom's avatar

Where is the OP???

rooeytoo's avatar

probably off with her ex!!!! :-)

Coloma's avatar

Shoot out at the gold digger corral.
I think she didn’t like the brutal honesty, oh well….if you’re gonna wander into Dodge ya better be able to rope and ride and take a bullet now and then.

jonsblond's avatar

Hmm, if I had been called a whore, bimbo or told that I should commit suicide, I don’t think I’d come back here. There’s also the possiblity that she has a life outside of Fluther. Not everyone checks in here daily.

just sayin’

ragingloli's avatar

but calling fat people fat is “very rude”. funny. personally I prefer the term chunky monkey wobble slob, or blubbernaught

Coloma's avatar

Well….at risk of beating a dead horse any further, but…everyone is influenced by their own experiences, no matter how objective we try to be. A lot of “fat” people can’t help that they are fat for many reasons, and deserve to not be humiliated for their body type, but… one CAN help whether they choose to lie, deceive and/or, sell themselves out for monetary gain. I have the utmost empathy for those that find themselves in a desperate place, as you did @jonsblond .
I went through a brutal and protracted divorce 10 years ago and worked 3 jobs to survive for the first few years while waiting on the divorce settlement, and not once, did I consider going out and wrangling a sugar daddy to carry me.

We all learned in kindergarten that people come in different shapes and sizes, and we also learned, or should have anyway, that dishonesty is not okay.
I think that @Kardemoms sentiments are really where this should be left.

ragingloli's avatar

A lot of “fat” people can’t help that they are fat for many reasons, and deserve to not be humiliated for their body type
I completely disagree. You get fat if you consume more calories than you burn off. Simple scientific fact. Even if you have hormonal problems that impair your metabolism, you can adjust your diet accordingly.
The vast majority of fat people consciously choose to stuff their faces, just like some people choose to sell sexual services, or become whores, as you like to say.
If it is fine to deride sexual service providers as whores for their choice, then it is equally fine to do the same for morbidly obese people, who also chose their current state.

Coloma's avatar

@ragingloli Some people are born predisposed to obesity, another simple, scientific fact.
Do your research before you make blanket statements like that.
Obesity is a very complicated health condition with many factors involved, not always just stuffing ones face.
Fat isn’t always a choice but honesty is, as is choosing to not peddle your sexuality for perks.
I NEVER used the word “whore”, please don’t insinuate I did, and you, of all people, have a reputation for extreme nasty and un-PC “sarcasim” on this site. I can’t even begin to count how many times you have made extremely nasty comments, soooo….before you call my kettle black for the occasional passionate expression, scrub your own blackend pot first, thank you very much!

ragingloli's avatar

Some people are born predisposed to obesity
And as I already said, even then you can adjust your diet to counter it.

wundayatta's avatar

Ah @Coloma _ but… one CAN help whether they choose to lie, deceive and/or, sell themselves out for monetary gain._

I’m afraid you don’t know that. Not for sure. Our behavior could well be driven by our brain chemistry, and our feelings that we are making choices may be illusions.

As you know, I’ve recently had experiences where my thoughts appear to have been changed by medicines, almost overnight. One day, I was thinking all kinds of depressed thoughts, especially about killing myself. The next I literally couldn’t think about suicide.

Are lying and honesty so different? Are we really in control of these thoughts? I would like to think we are, but I am not going to say that for sure. My thoughts have changed in weird ways, for reasons I can’t explain. I am different from how I once was, and I don’t know why. Character issues may not be what you think they are. Not even close.

Coloma's avatar

@wundayatta Maybe so, but, doesn’t change harmful outcomes.
I think everyone should be able to look at the big picture vs. impulsive, immediate, gratification and unless one is completely psychotic and not in touch with reality, well…the road to hell and all that jazz,

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

@ragingloli ~“The vast majority of fat people consciously choose to stuff their faces,”~  
Really?  Really!  Food is how people survive, someone who gorges is not usually “consciously” doing it because they want to eat like that.  Overeating is psycologically no different from any obsession.  Obesity is a mental and physical illness.  It is the opposite of anorexia and bulimia!  <- Is that disease better because the person is skinny? Are “fat” people, as you rudely call it, worse off and less important because they “choose” to overeat rather than “choosing” to barf?  I don’t think so.  So someone who weighs 60lbs, do you say “Go eat a bucket of ice cream loser!”  I doubt it.  But ironically its ok to say that overeaters are “FAT PEOPLE” who “CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE TO STUFF THEIR FACES.”   And calling someone a whore is uncalled for!  Please don’t use that as an excuse for your own disregarded vulgarity.

@Coloma While I agree with you on many points I think you are going about it wrong.  We are jellies here and some sort of respect is deserved if a person shows lack of respect for themselves the most you could do is not grind their self esteem into the ground even more.  People in these predicaments need optimism not the opposite, because that will drive the person to continue and have reasons for doing so… ~“Shoot out at the gold digger corral. I think she didn’t like the brutal honesty, oh well….if you’re gonna wander into Dodge ya better be able to rope and ride and take a bullet now and then.”~  
This is more like a hospital shoot out…victimize the injured.  I personally think that is uncalled for by such a bunch of intelligent jellies. ;) 
just sayin’.  Don’t hate me cuz we are all beautiful.

Coloma's avatar

@nofurbelowsbatgirl It’s rare I get all riled up, but it happens. I didn’t consider this person to be injured or a victim, quite the opposite, she was contemplating doing the injuring and victimizing, hence the bit of whip cracking. I guess at my age now and life experience I just don’t have much patience for those that want a green light for red light behaviors. Never the less, your sharing is duly noted.

lightsourcetrickster's avatar

….in the meantime….what is the OP supposed to do about her current predicament? I don’t think the drama and nitpicking is helping her to decide. Let’s get back to the topic at hand shall we?

Coloma's avatar

The topic has clearly been abandoned, I know I am certainly done with it. Well….obviously after these final words. lol

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