Social Question

donduck's avatar

How should I deal with a feeling of being ignored?

Asked by donduck (56 points ) February 4th, 2013

When I talk to people I find them ignoring me.What is the core trait one should have not to get ignored? Often we see people who don’t possess any standard demeanor but still they get along with large masses.But there are few ones who struggle to at least talk properly.How do oneself deal with this disorder in personality?

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16 Answers

bookish1's avatar

Hey, welcome to Fluther. Do you really think this is a disorder in personality? A lack of assertiveness is a habit or tendency you can grow out of. Maybe you just need to learn more confidence. And the way to do this is to practice. Think about what you have to offer other people in conversation, in terms of your knowledge, interests, and experience. When you try to speak with people, remember these things, and that will help you gain confidence.

Moreover, maybe you are just an introverted person. I am an introvert from a family of introverts, and I have trouble asserting myself in large groups. It takes me a while to formulate my thoughts, and I would rather sit back and listen. But in a small group, I have no problem at all holding a conversation.

JLeslie's avatar

Surround yourself with peoplewho are interested in the same interests as you. Evaluate whether your “small talk” is appropriate.

You say at the end “talk properly.” What does that mean exactly?

rojo's avatar

Avoid talking for the sake of talking if you feel it is you.
However, I know several people who cannot wait for others to finish and either end their sentences for them or just talk over them as though they are not there. When I talk to these folks I know it is not me who has a disorder. It’s them.

marinelife's avatar

Ask questions of others and express interest in them and they will become interested in you.

Gabby101's avatar

If English is not your first language, people might not be able to understand you, so they are ignoring you in hopes of ending the conversation. Move past people like that quickly and try to find someone who will take the time to listen to you.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Assertiveness classes, or ask close friends and family if they can help since they know you well.

wundayatta's avatar

There is no core trait to not be ignored.

Being ignored means you aren’t seen as relevant. To be relevant, you must speak other people’s language. You must be knowledgeable about the topic. You must say things that are on point.

You must also have social skills so you aren’t stomping on other people’s words, but also are not letting anyone else stomp on yours. It takes skill to do that.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@donduck Can you tell us your personality characteristics? I am rarely ignored unless I want to be, so I’m just curious.

burntbonez's avatar

It’s not a personality disorder. It’s a personality type. Some people are shy. It’s ok.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@burntbonez But all shy people are not ignored. Mr. Duck is trying to figure out why he’s being ignored. I only ignore people who are rude, otherwise I can usually stand to listen politely to anything for at least five minutes.

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

You say that you talk “to” people. Have you tried talking with people?

I don’t know you yet, so I don’t want to be presumptuous. Is it possible that you do too much talking and too little listening? I always enjoy a lively dialogue—both the other person and I talk—but I run away from monologues.

Are you fond of telling long stories? If yes, maybe they’re not as interesting as you believe them to be. When you’re nervous or awkward, do you brag about your family background, education, or career? If yes, you might unwittingly seem arrogant and self-absorbed.

ETpro's avatar

Remember Al Capone’s words, “You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.” Don’t worry about the fact Al Capone probably didn’t say that.

donduck's avatar

@JLeslie : By ‘Talk Properly’ I mean I can’t keep harmony in conversation.Either people get bored or I get bored talking to them.If I could talk properly I would mean I can make people interested in me.
@KNOWITALL : I think you might be able to exactly visualize what I mean.My Characteristics are: I am Extrovert (Surprisingly) I can talk to ‘Anyone’ but for a short time.But after that due to my facial expressions or I don’t know what it is,the conversation tends to end. I am kind and cannot mock at people.when I listen to people I cannot keep eye contact.When I am not speaking to anyone my facial expressions are seen tensed.(As told by my friends) I show enough enthusiasm if the subject is interesting.Sometimes I sound foolish.People are always ready to cross question me.I am forgetful and oblivious.Hence I cannot retain the previous things happened.So sometimes I am seen foolish in a group.I cannot respond properly to casual laughs shared at workplace or friends chitchats .I mean the cool high five’s or the giggles. I am handsome and liked by few girls.Some people find me overconfident and rude.Some people find me egoistic. If I get angry (very few times I do) I keep grudges. See if you could help by this much information.

donduck's avatar

@wundayatta How do you acquire those social skills ?
@SadieMartinPaul I don’t think I do any of the things you said.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@donduck Ah, I see. I have a coworker much the same way as you describe. If you blank out enough times people tend to not be interested in sharing with you more. Additionally, handsome people usually draw people in with their looks, but to hold them, as friends, you have to be emotionally invested. With your comment on grudge-holding, you sound a little narcisistic honestly.

You may just need more practice with your own group of friends. Make sure you really focus on what they’re saying to you. Relax your face and have a little smile. Force yourself to keep eye contact so people KNOW you’re listening.

Also, you did say that you can pay attention if it’s interesting, but that’s not what it’s about, it’s paying attention even if you don’t care. I’d never listen to anything if it was all about ME, but it’s not. Be polite and focus every time someone talks to you, even if it’s only ten minutes at a time, then make an excuse like “Excuse me, I have to run to the restroom, I’d love to hear more later though.”

wundayatta's avatar

@donduck It might be a personality disorder, if what you describe is true. You may not respond to social cues as most people do. You might want to consider getting a diagnosis from a psychiatrist. If you do have a disorder, they can help you get treatment.

In your case, treatment would include training in how to respond appropriately in social situations. You would learn to identify your a-social behaviors and how to consciously force yourself to do things that other people consider socially acceptable. You would learn to appear nicer and more engaged.

There are classes in these things, and they give you practice in how to behave as other people do. Over time, you become better at it, and because it is hard for you, you will be likely to do a better job of it once you learn how to do it.

Really, it’s just a practical thing. If the current situation really bothers you, I would get evaluated by a psychiatrist. If you can live with things as they are, then I would go on as you are doing. It’s not an easy call. But only you know how unhappy you are and what you want.

If you don’t have health insurance, then you might want to read a book about Aspergers to see if that feels like you. There are a number of books that can help you change your behavior if you decide that is your situation. Or you might find other related conditions that explain your behavior even better. Whatever label you put on it, I think that taking social skills classes will help you.

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