Social Question

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

NSFW- Hetero Men: What percentage of the women you have been intimate with have actually verbalized that they would like to have relations with you?

Asked by Imadethisupwithnoforethought (14335 points ) February 8th, 2013

Seriously, just ballpark it. The women you have had sex with, how many have told you they would like to sleep with you or have indicated in a positive verbal manner that they would like to be physically intimate? I am thinking about male socialization today and I am curious.

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49 Answers

CWOTUS's avatar

Most of the women I’ve had sex with are pretty much incapable of verbalizing after we’re through. I take the clutching, grabbing and smiling as non-verbal cues.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@CWOTUS So women don’t say yes? They just don’t say no?

CWOTUS's avatar

The dance and foreplay just progresses, you know? It’s a more or less natural thing by the time we get to a bed or a couch or a floor or some other suitable surface. We don’t have a team of lawyers working on an agreement (no witnesses or notaries are available when we’re ready, anyway, so the contract couldn’t be properly executed), and while “May I have this dance?” is a perfectly adequate invitation to that activity, “May I have this sex?” seems… off.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@CWOTUS No big, I am just wondering if we have been taught silence is consent. I am looking over my own history, and I am like at 20%. And women my age are more expressive than at yours.

SamandMax's avatar

100%. I don’t mess about in that department.

HolographicUniverse's avatar

Good question in general considering men usually fashion for sex and, if interest, the woman does not refuse.

That being said, personally how many woman have initiated the sex? 100%, I won’t touch a woman unless she asks for it because I hate rejection and never found it tasteful to be sexually assertive… She has to verbally, or physically, indicate interest (whether a blatant “I want to fuck you” or subliminal gestures)

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@HolographicUniverse What do they say? I keep hearing men tell me the woman expressed a sexual interest most of the time. Nobody is saying what they heard.

SamandMax's avatar

What’s the significance of being asked what they say? Just out of curiosity

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@SamandMax so… You never actually have gotten verbal interest and feel defensive?

SamandMax's avatar

Yes I have, I just want to know the significance of the question, Frasier Crane!

filmfann's avatar

Between booty calls, “let’s go to a hotel”, and plain old “fuck me!” I would say half.

HolographicUniverse's avatar

Fair enough
Depends upon context and personality, obviously the more experienced and outspoken women will be most likely to make blatant gestures while the shy are more subtle
For instance if I invite a woman to my home and she accepts, that’s somewhat foreshadowing. Once the night progresses you get a feel of what she is willing to do.
With me I’ve been fortunate to have the more assertive type so I’ve been groped, pulled to the bedroom, heard things like “am I staying til morning?”, “are we having fun tonight?” And I’ve even asked if sex was on their mind. The shy and subtle ones will wait on your move and simply react from there… I’ve not had shy ones

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@HolographicUniverse What percent of the time?

I am curious about what men have been taught. I have stated that like three times now. Men keep saying “Everytime” when we all know that that is bullshit.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

“Just leave the ‘donation’ on the dresser”
But seriously, I just ask them if they want to go back to my place for some “drinks” and whoever speaks first loses. I learned it from Legit, and it worked.

HolographicUniverse's avatar

Taught in which way?

I can honestly say that it’s been 100 percent of the time because I dont make the first move.
So it’s always up to her to tell me if that’s what she wants (it will save you alot of trouble this way as well)
Women of today are more open about they’re sexuality, they’re no longer condemned by the clergy for having sex or being nymphomaniacal. So modern women, especially young, are more assertive in their “sexual predation”.
So yes all the women I’ve been with have made clear that it’s what they want. Now this is just my personal experience…. I don’t have sex excessively and I don’t with random women so the method works best this way (it often leaves me without sex for long periods of time)

Someone with a high sex drive and are extremely sexually active will tell you that they have a lower success rate when THEY are not the ones motioning for intercourse.

So it’s still somewhat traditional, that the male asserts and she submits rather than vice.versa

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@HolographicUniverse ok So you can quote a few lines for me?

SamandMax's avatar

I doubt you’d find out what guys had been taught from having them quote a few lines.

One that I distinctly recall is “Are we going to have sex now or later?”, another line was “Do you want to fuck?” (and neither of the people saying that were pro’s). It’s usually in the form of a question and seldom in the form of a statement.

But I still don’t see how your having lines quoted at you is going to actually teach you what men have learned in this context.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@SamandMax I suspect you might be exaggerating when you say 100 percent of women would agree.When you make crap up, I figure women will PM that it is an obvious lie, and they will remember you as a liar

woodcutter's avatar

All of them I think. My dick has a little brain in there but…

no ears :(

HolographicUniverse's avatar

Personally?
Well as I said, there are also gestures and foreplay.

I have been blatantly groped/fondled, I have been pulled into the bedroom, asked if i’m coming to bed (at their house) asked “are we having fun tonight?”, kissing.

Also sexual innuendos, subliminal messages like “do you have pajamas”, “are you staying the night?”, “so what do you want to do now?”.
But based off the women I’ve been with, it’s sheer brutality haha… “so are we gonna fuck?”, “do you have condoms” etc.

LuckyGuy's avatar

All of them. We always had the discussion before our first time. The feeling had to be mutual or it was not going to happen.

wundayatta's avatar

We’re drinking at a bar, and I ask her if she wants to come over and fool around. She says yes and she needs to stop by her place to pick up a few things first. And do I want to come in and meet her father. I don’t really, but I do meet him. I think she tells him she’s going over to my place to spend the night. Perhaps she should have told him she was going over to fuck me, no? Just to make things clear?

We’re sitting in the car after talking a couple of hours and then making out, and she asks me if I want to come upstairs. I know what she means. But perhaps I should have gotten it in writing?

We’re in a tent making out all night, but we’re not having sex because neither of us was prepared for this. We agree that we’ll lose our virginity together when we get back from the trip. I don’t know what euphemism was used. But since we were virgins, we probably should have signed it in blood.

We’d been writing all the different things we were going to do to each other when we finally got together. Very x-rated. Not to mention the things we’d done on camera. But verbal? “Shall we fuck?” I don’t think so. Clearly that doesn’t count as getting verbal acceptance.

I don’t remember the circumstances of all of them, but I’m pretty damn clear that I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me. So I’m going say 100% acceptance. But you know what? I’m sure it wasn’t explicit enough for your standards, so I’m going to say zero verbal approval. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The literalism around here is so thick, you couldn’t cut it with a chainsaw.

bookish1's avatar

keep going, guys. this is fascinating…

HolographicUniverse's avatar

That’s the thing, I think he wants to discover if women are ever the ones to motion.

In sexual situatons it’s really an implied impulse, literalism in that context can really spoil the mood, most of the time she approves with body language response moreso than asking for it. Others make the first move themselves, the verbal agreement will either be in us asking or them asking… I’ve always been the responder.

gondwanalon's avatar

When I was young and dating women I had a golden rule: If a woman didin’t want me then I didn’t want her. So 100% is my answer.

augustlan's avatar

Token female popping in here to say that I was the aggressor at least 80% of the time I slept with a man. Frequently, it was a physical gesture, but sometimes I’d lean in and whisper, “I’d really like to sleep with you.” Or, “I am going to fuck your brains out.”

ETpro's avatar

I honestly do not know. As Robin Williams noted, “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I can say with certainty that 100% of such women have communicated their desires and wishes with some combination of verbal and non-verbal communication. In no situation did I just assume that any woman wanted sexual contact with out her having made it very clear what she wanted.

ucme's avatar

Some did, of the others, I figure it’s pretty fucking obvious as to our intent when that stage has been reached, no actual verbal confirmation needed…unless she fancied talking dirty, which is always a bonus.

Ron_C's avatar

I’ve never been aggressive with women so the only ones that I had sex with were 100% in agreement.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@HolographicUniverse I want to know whether we have been taught, as men, that as long as we don’t hear a “No” then it means “Yes”. I want to know how often men have actually had a woman say to them “I would like to have sex with you” or some variant.

Nothing to do with who starts what, or anything else. I will state it one more time, and will quote myself:

“I am curious about what men have been taught. I have stated that like three times now. ”

wundayatta's avatar

I was not taught that. I was not taught much of anything. But I always believed agreement was important. I never wanted to make a girl do something she didn’t want to do. I grew up in the era of feminism and I though it was a horrible thing for a man to treat a “No” as a “Yes.”

I thought there was something wrong with me for thinking that. I thought most men didn’t give a shit what women thought. If they wanted sex they would just take it. I could never do that. I didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t interested in doing that.

I wanted to be wanted. I always wanted to be wanted. I still want to be wanted. Getting over on a woman by manipulating her doesn’t get me what I want. It’s just the opposite. It makes me doubt myself.

So it is quite clear to me that every woman who ever slept with me did it because she wanted to, not because I manipulated her. The idea that it would be otherwise makes me sick. And even if I wanted to manipulate a woman, I couldn’t. I’m not strong enough. I don’t have the confidence. And I don’t have the lack of compassion. I never joined a frat. I never went to beer parties. I was never into getting drunk or playing the kinds of drinking games that so much of this kind of sex takes place during.

It is anathema to me. This whole idea is disgusting to me. I know it goes on and there are supposedly guys who behave that way a lot, but I seriously doubt there are many, if any here at fluther.

HolographicUniverse's avatar

I was never “taught” the specifics in regards to sex.
It began because I was too shy, at first, to make a first move so she did.
I was also raised with manners as they pertain to women so I never thrust myself upon them. You have many quotes above from men who have heard the women request sex instead of them motioning first.

So again yes I’ve heard things like “I want you to fuck me”, “I want to have your child” (haha no kidding) being kissed “out of nowhere” and the like…. They were really quite aggressive, I even said no a time or two.

dabbler's avatar

What I was ‘taught’ growing up in a Roman Catholic household was worse than useless.

That said, it was a small minority who said something, spoke words, to indicate a desire or willingness for sex. However by the time we got around to it each of them managed to make her position unambiguous.

SamandMax's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought I’d thank you entirely to retract that statement – regardless of whether you think it’s true or not. I was not exaggerating. I have had four – count them – FOUR long term relationships, and EVERY time – not once, not twice, but every time, I have to hear a woman say something to the positive that they would like to have sex – or “be physically intimate” as the OP stated. This is not a case of outright exaggeration.

I would thank you to remember, or at least not be ignorant of the slight detail, that the legal system when a man gets in the shit and a woman is the offended party, the man will almost always get screwed over. I would much rather not take that chance.

I also find it highly insulting that out of several others who have stated that they have also had the same level of agreement, that I happen to be the one singled out for being a bullshitter.

Go forth and sanctionally multiply.

I’d credit you with the intelligence to put that into layman’s terms.

whitenoise's avatar

When I was very young, I once had sex with a girl that later claimed that she didn’t want it to go as far as it did.

It was my second time intimate with someone and although I am sure I didn’t force myself upon her, it has since then made me very aware that you need to know, not merely think what your partner wants.

I, however do not always ask my wife. We are together for over 13 years and by now we know each other well enough. If she grabs me in a certain way, she leaves no room for misinterpretation and I won’t ask.

CWOTUS's avatar

I know what you mean, @whitenoise. I once – once! – had drunken sex with a woman I didn’t know well (we were both pretty drunk – okay, I didn’t know her at all). The next morning we both left each other without a word, so I don’t know what she was thinking. I was not proud.

As for myself, I was thinking “never again”, and I never have repeated anything close to that.

However, I once made hot, sweaty, hard and wet love to my wife in the middle of the night while she was sleeping, and the way her body responded, I was pretty sure she was awake and pretending to sleep. Between the foreplay and the act it took me over an hour to climax, and it was fantastic. (Her body liked it, too!) But the next morning she claimed to have no memory of the event. So she made me tell her about it many times, for years afterward, and it always put her in the mood, if she wasn’t there already.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@SamandMax I find it highly unlikely, but you are right, I am not sitting there with you folks. I retract my statement.

SamandMax's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought Now that that’s out of the way, why would you consider it highly unlikely? Come to think of it, why would anyone consider it highly unlikely?

Regardless, thanks. I apologize for telling you to fuck off.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@SamandMax I am grasping with the concept that women say to you out loud “I want to have sex” or you are asking them “Do you want to have sex?” and they say explicitly “Yes”. I think that is rare, and you have yet to say that actually happened.

CWOTUS's avatar

I can’t imagine having that explicit conversation without a side agreement on pricing, @Imadethisupwithnoforethought.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’ve been thinking about this on and off for the past day or so.
I never had a one night stand or a spontaneous hook-up. In every case, I knew the woman well and found we liked each other. We had gone out at least a few times and if things got hot and heavy with touching or whatever, we planned the next date to be the one. The anticipation was always fantastic.
I recall one time in college at a crowded party when a woman I didn’t know started rubbing my crotch and pulling on me to do something. I politely refused – even with the erection. (Whew! That would have been a terrible mistake.)

augustlan's avatar

So, I asked my husband about this Q (and another about women asking men out). He’s 54, for generational information purposes. He said that he’s had about four women explicitly say they wanted to have sex with him (one of them was me), and that only one or two women asked him out first (one of them was me). I found it interesting that the sex outweighed the dates.

This whole conversation makes me wonder what all the guys I’ve asked out or propositioned were thinking inside when I did it. Were they shocked? Pleased? I mean, nobody ever seemed unhappy about it, for sure, but now I do wonder if I was an anomaly in their experience.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@augustlan If they were like me, they were pleased. I’m willing to bet there was enough discussion or contact beforehand so you were reasonably sure your proposition would be accepted. Flirty banter was served back and forth until it really did not matter who scored the point. Both won the match.

“I’m really busy now. Everyone wants a piece of me!” “I’ll take a piece of you.’’
Game, set, and match!

SamandMax's avatar

sigh

Yes. Both of those things happened. Whether you believe it or not, again, is none of my concern. Like I’ve mentioned beforehand already, I will do so again. I am very cautious in my dealings with women. They can be a funny bunch, it has been known to happen to those less fortunate.

A little something for you to read.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-445750/Im-rapist--just-fool.html

Women can be a funny bunch. Sometimes not funny at all though.

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