Social Question

wundayatta's avatar

Do you feel a need for more love than one person can give?

Asked by wundayatta (58367 points ) January 13th, 2010

Unless you believe in polyamory, there is no social support for people having more than one lover. Most people view polyamory as a kind of perversion, anyway. Still, to judge by the number of people who venture outside their relationships for sex or love, it seems to me that there must be a lot of people who aren’t getting enough of something, be it sex or love.

Some, I think, are in relationships where the pizazz has disappeared. Or there is a lack of communication. Then there are the sex addicts.

Maybe some of this is related to evolutionary pressures—men being men and women seeking to tame them. But maybe some is due to a feeling of a deficit—a hole inside that seems like it is never filled and requires love after love.

Do you feel a need for more love than one person can give? Or would you explain an interest in other people besides your significant other in another way? If you are satisfied with the love you have, how do you explain the others who commit or think about committing infidelities?

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31 Answers

john65pennington's avatar

Like the song says, Everybody Needs Somebody. this is so true. loving someone is not just a physical attraction. sure, it helps, but whats inside a person is what really counts. some people in life are not capable of showing their love for another person. i know of several men that are this way and their wives have just learned to live with it. personally, i could never live with a person i love, that could not return their love for me. i am fortuante. my wife and i have never had this problem. how much is not enough love? every couple has their own personal boundaries, when it comes to how much love each one gives and takes from each other. just because a person cannot show the amount of love the other partner expects, does not mean that person does not love the other, 100% . does one or the other partner have to go outside the realtionship for a greater acknowledgement of love and affection? no. if this occurs, its not the core loss of love from a partner, its simply a persons desire for more sexual greed. all of us need to be loved and give love. you may not have the most perfect situation for love in your relationship with another person, BUT it could always be different. how would you feel if you had no one at all? many men and women do not have anyone to share their life with. i say take what you have and make the best of it. loneliness is a lonely word.

Blackberry's avatar

I do, but I also realize that I have a very special woman in my life and I use that to keep me in check, it seems her love is rare and I don’t think I could find it anywhere else to be honest. She is actually normal and we have too much in common for me to try to find the same thing somewhere else. But before her, I was quite a ‘holy’ guy lol. I just wanted to jump from woman to woman to satisfy I don’t know what really.

I still do think that monogamy is kind of outdated in some aspects, or maybe it’s just because I’m young and could be out bedding various women just because I have the virility and hormones that make me fall in love with 10 women in a day lol.

john65pennington's avatar

Blackberry, you are something else.

HTDC's avatar

Not me personally. Love doesn’t matter as much to me as it does to most, so I would think if someone needs to have multiple partners in order to feel enough love then s/he’s got problems like you say, a hole that is never filled, would probably be it.

If both the man and woman, in a relationship, are open to other partners then I don’t see anything wrong with that. However, if one wants it and the other doesn’t that wouldn’t be fair at all.

But men using their “biological instincts” as an excuse for cheating is really low. If he wants more than one sexual partner at a time then he shouldn’t have been in a serious relationship with the other woman in the first place.

Blackberry's avatar

@john65pennington Lol..Is that a good or bad thing?

john65pennington's avatar

Thats a good thing. nothing like the love of a great woman!

Blackberry's avatar

@john65pennington Yeah, you’re right. I’m glad that I’m figuring this stuff out early too, I used to think it didn’t exist.

john65pennington's avatar

Its like grabbing the gold ring on the merry go round. once you find YOU in a female form, you’d better hold onto her for life. it may never happen again. compatibility is what its all about.

gailcalled's avatar

@Daloon; For some people, there is never enough love. That is a problem that is hard to find a solution for, but worth working on.

clioi's avatar

I suppose I do need love from more than just one person, but different kinds of love. When I am in a relationship with someone who I really care about, the romantic and sexual love that they can offer will be enough for me. But I also need the love of friends (sometimes very close platonic friends) to really feel complete. And I’m probably more than a little insecure, so I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like to have a pretty good number of close friends who love me. Although I do love sex very much, I can’t really speak for the sex addicts.

Cupcake's avatar

I used to feel like a bottomless pit of need… but I don’t anymore.

I remember in the midst of my very difficult period of time, a friend of mine referred to himself as “content”. It blew my mind. I couldn’t fathom such a thing.

Since then I have embarked on a very long and difficult road of recreating my life. For the first time ever, I feel content. It’s new and unexcitingly exciting.

Nullo's avatar

Nope.

phil196662's avatar

When it was just the Wife and I we really wanted to be together All the Time, bothered lots of people because they thought we were on a crash course only to find we are happier now than ever.

marinelife's avatar

No one person can ever meet all of another person’s needs. That is why we have friends and family.

As to having multiple lovers, I think you go to easy on those who stray. Many times, people stray because it is easy to choose something new without the baggage of our primary relationship, without the day-to-day business of life.

evandad's avatar

I need it from very few. Close family and a couple of friends. Any more and I’d OD on it.

Shuttle128's avatar

I don’t feel that I need love from more than one person; however, I’m firmly convinced that there are genetic dispositions both for monogamy and polyamory.

I’ve read, or seen, somewhere that there are two very effective ways at bringing up many offspring in social animals such as humans, and apes. One way is of the monogamous relationship. The female and child are protected and well fed due to the male remaining in the family. This ensures that when only a few children are born they are better ensured survival to adulthood. The other method is that of polyamory. When many females and males are actively pursuing intercourse there is a high chance that many children are born. Since more children are born the chances that similar numbers of children reach adulthood is also high. Since both of these methods are equally effective no selective pressure exists that caused humans to favor one method over the other.

Over a long period of time social factors caused thoughts of both monogamy and polygamy to veer off in different directions. In many societies polygamy was instituted but was usually built on male dominance. In other societies this became taboo and monogamy was deemed the only way.

In many cases polyamory leads to jealousy which is most likely why monogamy became the standard (mostly). There are many people, however, that practice free love or swinging and are perfectly okay with it. It really depends on the person. It may be entirely genetic, and much of it could also be upbringing, but either way it is certainly a real occurrence.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Do you feel a need for more love than one person can give?
No, I want the love from my one chosen partner and feel they are capable of giving it. Whether or not they feel they can give it in the ways I need is a different thing.

If you are satisfied with the love you have, how do you explain the others who commit or think about committing infidelities?
I’ve known what it’s like to be in love but also feel the person who loves you doesn’t love as much or in the same way or for the same reasons and that right there will let resentment in which some people try to squelch by taking an outside lover. I’ve never given in to the idea but understand others who do and understand they still love their partners but aren’t getting what they most desire in return. There can also be great love between two people but sometimes it’s based mostly on:

responsibility married because of pregnancy and then try to make the best of life together as a couple.

gratitude together because one of the two feels no one has ever or might never love them the way the current partner does and there’s something wrong with them if they don’t go with it.

default one partner chooses the other because they person they really want isn’t compliant and the current partner does love them, wants them and treats them well.

augustlan's avatar

When I was a teenager, I refused to “go steady” with any one guy and chose to date multiple people simultaneously. Even then, though, I don’t think it was about love – or even sex. I think it was about power. As a victim of long-term childhood sexual abuse, it was a way for me to gain the upper hand. To be desired by many, and have all of the power in those relationships (if you can even call them that), was great. For a while.

I changed my ways long ago, and have never since felt the need for more love (or power) than I’ve had at any given time. I, like @Cupcake, am content.

dutchbrossis's avatar

I can live without it but I would love to have love from two guys. I love my husband, I also love my best friend though. He will be moving to where we live hopefully next year.

Violet's avatar

I only need and want love from one person.
Polygamy is selfish

dutchbrossis's avatar

@violet how is polygamy selfish ? Just curious, I don’t understand….

Violet's avatar

@dutchbrossis if a person needs/wants to have more than one partner for life, I think that makes them selfish.

dutchbrossis's avatar

@Violet How does that make them selfish ? I seriously don’t understand. I mean what if the 3 of them all love each other ? or however many it is in the relationship

Violet's avatar

@dutchbrossis google: pologamy selfish
I have stated my personal opinion. Feel free to do your own research, and form your own opinion.

dutchbrossis's avatar

@Violet I googled that. It mainly talks about men. What if a woman was to fall inlove with 2 different guys and the 3 of them wanted a relationship ? Is that selfish. I personally dont think it is selfish either way as long as all parties involved are happy with their situation

Violet's avatar

@dutchbrossis I’m going to stop following this thread. I feel as though my person opinions are being picked apart.

Shuttle128's avatar

@dutchbrossis Asking for justification of a belief is not insulting. If you don’t want to analyze your justifications that is fine, but it is a perfectly legitimate question for anyone to ask.

dutchbrossis's avatar

@Violet I am sorry you feel that way. I don’t see how. I was just asking questions.

@Shuttle128 What do you mean ? I am confused as to where I thought anyone was insulting. Where did I say that the question is not legitimate ?

Shuttle128's avatar

@dutchbrossis I’m very sorry, that was meant for Violet. By the time I’d noticed I couldn’t edit the question anymore.

dutchbrossis's avatar

@Shuttle128 Ok thank you for the clarification. It is okay that she doesn’t want to answer. It is just hard for me to even come close to understanding with no explanation. Lol

Aster's avatar

I don’t think it’s selfish at all; just dangerous.

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