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kiki__'s avatar

Could you please correct my essay?

Asked by kiki__ (28 points ) December 2nd, 2013

Hello Could you please correct my essay. It is very important for my grade.

My friend Sabrina and I wanted to go to a party, which started at nine o’clock. Although we had to be at home around one a.m., we decided to stay longer. Three hours later we wanted to go home and we recognised that we have nobody, who could drive us home. Suddenly Michael, Sabrina’s friend, who was a little bit drunken, appeared and suggested to drive us and we agreed.

After around ten minutes by car Michael wasn’t feeling well. He said that he couldn’t see clearly. Abruptly Michael car clashed with another one. I didn’t know what happened after that, because I lost my consciousness.

When I woke up I was lying in the hospital. The doctor told me, that we had a car accident, but he promised me that my friends and I will be okay again soon. I broke one leg and one arm. I didn’t get injured very badly, but I couldn’t go to school for four weeks. I had to learn all the things, which my classmates learned at school, on my own. That was really exhausting! From this decision I learn that I will never drive home again with a drunken person!

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12 Answers

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LostInParadise's avatar

The essay is pretty good for the most part. It looks like you put some work into it. There are just a few glaring errors.

First paragraph:
In the first sentence, instead of saying “wanted to go to a party”, just say “went to a party”
In the next sentence, replace, “recognised” with “realized”. Drop the comma after nobody.

Second paragraph:
“ten minutes by car” needs to be replaced. You could say something like, “After we rode for around ten minutes in the car”. Put a comma after “car”. “clashed with” is not what you want to say. Replace it with “crashed into”

Last paragraph:
Drop the comma after “me” in the second sentence.
Replace “will be okay” with “would be okay”.
Start the last sentence as, “From this experience I learned never to drive”

LostInParadise's avatar

I was thinking about your statement that the car clashed with another car. Did you mean that the car sideswiped another car. In that case you can just say that the “car sideswiped another car”. I should also have pointed out that you should say “Michael’s car” instead of “Michael car”.

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thorninmud's avatar

[As a mod] Fluther doesn’t specifically disallow homework questions as long as they’re asking for guidance rather than asking the collective to spit out the answers. Just how much assistance users choose to provide is up to them, but if it’s a General question, then the assistance needs to be >0.

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stanleybmanly's avatar

The tense change in the first paragraph is a no-no. It should read “we recognized that we HAD nobody who could drive us home, without the comma between nobody and who. Another error and just awkward is “a little bit drunken” ——drunk is sufficient. In fact, I think that you should begin again and read your essay aloud to a friend. You would soon realize that no one talks the way your essay reads. You’ve confused clash with crash, and no one says “I lost my consciousness”. It’s “I lost consciousness”. Then there is the summation in the final sentence. “From this decision” What decision are you talking about? And if you do manage to insert a decision before the statement referring to it, since the decision and the lesson derived are both in the past, ”....the lesson I HAVE LEARNED…..” No, start from the beginning, you can do better.

longgone's avatar

I think, with the changes @LostInParadise and @stanleybmanly suggested, the essay is fine.

@stanleybmanly I’d guess English is not the OP’s first language…

stanleybmanly's avatar

@longgone The fact that English may not be the primary language of the questioner hadn’t occurred to me. Good thinking.

longgone's avatar

^^ I’m not sure, though. Maybe they will tell us.

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