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yankeetooter's avatar

If "absence makes the heart grow fonder" (and it is doing just that), just how much and for how long am I going to yearn after and miss him?

Asked by yankeetooter (8157 points ) December 17th, 2013

When does “out of sight, out of mind” kick in?

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17 Answers

chyna's avatar

You are going to yearn after him and miss him as long as you keep thinking about him, playing songs that remind you of him, go places that remind you of him.
In other words, you have to make yourself get over him. When thoughts of him pop in your head, don’t dwell on them, start thinking of other things. Don’t let yourself pine over him. Keep busy with other people and things and eventually you will realize an entire day has gone by that you didn’t think of him. Then a week, then a month. It will then be “out of sight, out of mind.”

yankeetooter's avatar

What do you do, @chyna, when everything makes you think of him? When you are so lonely, that you can’t help yearning for those five minute conversations you used to have? It’s not as easy as you make it sound.

Kardamom's avatar

Until you do something different than what you’ve always done. If you start to think about him, instead of allowing yourself to dwell on that, do something else. Have a plan of action. Get up and go for a walk, write a letter to a friend. Balance your check book, clean your closet, bake a cake. Better yet, get together with other people, engage yourself in something other than self pity. Do the “Fake it till you make it” thing your mantra. Do not allow yourself to engage in thoughts about that person for more than 2 minutes a day. Get up and do something, ANYTHING, else but pine away in self pity for this person. Go visit a nursing home and offers- some cheer. Find out which charities need your assistance, which neighbors could use a helping hand (shopping, raking leaves, putting up Christmas decorations etc.) Decide right now, that you will only allow yourself 2 minutes per day to think about this guy, then DO JUST THAT. Anything more than that, then you will fall into the same deep pit, ugly trap that has plagued you forever.

You must do something different, to feel different. Don’t be so precious. Don’t act like you’re the only person who has ever felt a longing, don’t act like this is the end of the world. Don’t act like this person walked on water, don’t act like this person belonged on a pedestal and was better than you or anyone else, don’t act like your entire life depends upon this person, don’t act like this is the end of the world. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY. GET OUT OF THIS RUT BY MOVING OUT OF THIS RUT. SEEK HELP IF YOU NEED IT.

—Please seek help with a therapist who could possibly help you overcome this obsession that you have. When you are in this deep, just going it alone is almost fruitless, unless you have will power.—

Otherwise, we’ll be back here, same time next year, having the same conversation.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@yankeetooter Ouch, that is rough. You got some good advice, but it’s so hard to move on when you’re head over heels and they walk away. The thing is you can’t make anyone love you. Love has to be given. It can’t be forced or coerced. It hurts, but you have to walk away and accept it. That’s shit for advice, but it’s the best I’ve got.

JLeslie's avatar

I always say absense makes you accustomed to being apart.

Absense makes the heart grow fonder was not meant for a break-up scenerio I don’t think. Is that is the situation here? Is this a break up? Or, just being apart for a while, but the relationship is intact?

yankeetooter's avatar

Neither…I had feelings for him, and he was oblivious (and wouldn’t be interested any way). He was kind, and a great encouragement to me…but now he is moving away. I don’t know how I became so attached to him, but it happened…

chyna's avatar

@yankeetooter No, it isn’t easy. But you aren’t a teenager. You are in your 40’s. There is a difference in how the two ages deal with these things.
When I was a teenager or even in my early 20’s, I would have dwelled and made myself miserable over a lost love. But as I got older, I realized that life was too short.
You have to make yourself get up and get on with your real life.
If you don’t feel you can get over this on your own, perhaps you need to seek help with a professional.
Good luck.

JLeslie's avatar

@yankeetooter Oh, ok. My answer to your original question then is that in a very short time you will be over feelings of missing him. Days or a week or two. Once in a while you may be reminded of him and miss him for a fleeting moment. If it lasts longer then I think you need to think about your life and fill it with people and relationships that are supportive and committed. Dwelling a long time on someone who was not in a strong bonding relationship is not good for you. Sometimes we idealize those types of things, because we were never close enough to the person to observe their negative attributes so they are more than perfect in our minds. Then when we can’t see them anymore it feels especially bad and we feel like a perfect person is no longer part of our lives, bit they were not really perfect, no one is.

yankeetooter's avatar

@JLeslie…it has already been two weeks or so, and there has been no abatement in my feelings. But, I’m sure I must need a therapist, as others say… : (

JLeslie's avatar

@yankeetooter Missing someone can feel awful, I’m sorry you are going through this. Therapy could help. Talk it through and get some focus on other things.

Kardamom's avatar

The first thing I would do, if I was trying to get over someone who didn’t share the same feelings for me is to make a list of things that I was going to do differently from here on out. Not stalking him on Facebook, not driving by his house or place of work, not sitting in front of the phone waiting for him to call or deciding whether to call him, not worrying about or even considering what he might be doing at any given moment (because he’s probably having fun with someone that he really wants to be with).

Then I’d plan some events big or small with friends or family that I know actually enjoy being with me. We’ll go to the movies, we’ll go to lunch, we’ll go walk in the park, we’ll organize our photos into albums and we’ll make cookies. When talk comes to him, we’ll change the subject. Dude doesn’t give 2 poops. I’d find some dogs to kiss, I’d find some leaves to rake, I’d find some closets to organize, I’d find some stuff that needs buying at Costco. And then I would seek out re-runs of The Big Bang Theory, ‘cause it’s just so dang funny.

In your case, the very first thing I would do is is change my avatar to something neutral or something happy. When people see your avatar, they immediately think of someone who is emotionally needy. As long as you’ve been on Fluther, your avatar has either been someone weeping or a heart breaking. How about making a positive change and giving yourself a new avatar.

Here’s a few ideas. This Guy or These GuysPHBS6SBcr2A/TDCd10zab6I/AAAAAAAAAFE/_RgtRKj1Ghk/s1600/Spirit+of+76.jpg or This Guy.jpg or This Gal or This Little Angel or This Hottie(1588–1629)/TERBRUGGHEN_Hendrick_Boy_Playing_Flute.jpg or This Cutie or even just This

Then tomorrow, contact your Primary Care Physican and make an appointment, at which you will discuss getting a referral to a good therapist/psychatrist.

yankeetooter's avatar

I’ve never done any of the things you mention in your first paragraph, @Kardamom, except for maybe wondering what he’s doing. And it’s not as if I have others in my life who want to spend time with me…

Everyone always assumes that one has a supportive family, or friends…you have no idea.

Kardamom's avatar

@yankeetooter You have to be a good friend, to make friends. By that, I don’t mean to be an obsessive person, I mean just go to events and places where people that have common interests mingle. Don’t act shy, or you’ll just be overlooked.

Make a point of going to places or events that have activities that you already enjoy. Then walk up to people and make small talk. Like, “Hi, I’m Yankeetooter, this is the first time I’ve ever been to this church/museum/park/sporting event/craft fair/restalurant tasting. What do you like about it? Oh, do you also live in Timbuktu? That’s where I’m from. Yes, I do go to school and work, where do you work? Have you ever tried the Thai restaurant on First avenue?

Forget about what’s his face. He doesn’t think about you, so don’t think about him (except for the 2 minute allowance which I’ll give you, per day).

It’s in your power to make changes, positive changes in your life. There are no knights in shining armor waiting to carry you off. If you are lucky, you’ll meet people, men and women, old and young, who you can share some brief moments (like in line at the grocery store or bank) or longer term arrangements who will give you some joy, and in return, you’ll give some joy to, who will appreciate you. You can’t force it, but you do have to make the effort and step up to the plate. No one wants to scrape a pitiful, sad person off the sidewalk of doom.

Be pleasant, offer asssistance, be funny and amusing without being forceful. Don’t stalk people (EVER). Go about your business. Do what needs to be done. Don’t allow yourself to wallow in self pity and by all means, get help when you need it, immediately, not years after the fact.

Be well, my friend.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

You should thinks about other things entirely. Make out a bucket list,(Hey, there’s a cool next question). Look over how many things you can accomplish in the next six weeks, and work on them. Keeping yourself HAPPILY occupied is key. Learn something new, but not just new, something you would never have thought you might do. Maybe go bow hunting in Missouri with Ted Nugent, Learn how to crack a safe, maybe. Don’t focus on wanting to forget something, focus on learning/doing something unusually new.

elbanditoroso's avatar

I always had the belief that “Absence Makes the Heart Go Wander”.

LDRs are not 100% ineffective, but a much higher percentage of them fail because of distance, than do close-in relationships. Not to say that yours will or won’t, but it’s more likely to fail.

janbb's avatar

@elbanditoroso This isn’t a romance, it’s an obsession.

@yankeetooter I can only echo what others have said. You need to change your life and you probably can’t do it alone.

Valerie111's avatar

You’ll stop thinking about him if you keep yourself busy. Start dating other people. Surround yourself with friends and family. I think it will take a few months for “out of sight, out of mind” to really kick in.

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