Social Question

Crumpet's avatar

Would it bother you if your new partner had previously slept with A LOT of people? NSFW?

Asked by Crumpet (1785 points ) March 30th, 2014

I’ve been dating a girl for over 10 weeks, and we have made it official that we are in a relationship. I’m 25 and she is 22.
We have so much in common and get on really well.
We’re both falling in love and have just started saying it to each other.
She looks and acts really sweet and innocent, but I’ve recently found out that she has slept with a very high number of guys.
We were talking about sex and she said she was the first girl in high school to give a BJ… When she was 12! And that she started going clubbing in the city at 15/16 years old every week. And slept with someone every single time.
I have slept with 15 girls in my life, including her. I jokingly asked how many people she had slept with and she just said “you really don’t want to know”.
She said she’s not like that anymore though, and it was all in the past.

I really am falling in love with this girl, we seem so perfect for each other, but her past kind of makes me feel sick.

What should I do?

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44 Answers

GloPro's avatar

Stop asking questions of each other’s past. DO ask for proof of being disease free, including herpes blood test. Be prepared to do the same testing.
You broke the biggest unwritten rule of dating adults. Don’t ask about things that do not matter that you cannot change that are in each other’s past. Now that you know, you are the only one that can decide how you feel about it.

JLeslie's avatar

15 is high to me at your age, but I know young people have sex more easily now. I was no prude, I lost my virginity at age 15. I have been clubbing since I was 16, but I didn’t pick up men at clubs and go home with them, OMG! That kind of freaks me out! It’s so risky, forget the sex part. I would question her judgement regarding safety. She is too trusting or something. Not enough fear of what can go wrong. If she was my daughter I would have a heart attack.

I don’t think it matters much if she was having sex a lot when she was in her late teens and early twenties, what matters is if she can be monogomous in a relationship. That’s my opinion anyway.

bolwerk's avatar

If she is clear of diseases, why worry? That’s really my only concern when dealing with partners with high numbers of partners. Also, you can’t rule out that she is exaggerating to either impress or intimidate you.

Protip: clubs are a great places to contract venereal diseases!

JLeslie's avatar

@bolwerk STD’s are everywhere.

bolwerk's avatar

@JLeslie: especially on the junk of oversexed club kiddies.

Coloma's avatar

People change and ones past is just that, the past. Love has nothing to do with recreational sex. I was a 70’s girl, the era of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll.
I slept with plenty of men in my wild youth and guess what?

I was and am an extremely faithful partner.
Young peeps explore and experiment, don’t hold this against her.
Last but not least, you cannot hold a double standard, what’s good for the gander is also good for the goose.
If she is a loyal and honest partner her past is none of your business, period, and, don’t forget, she has, willingly, disclosed her sexcapades already, she is trusting you to not judge her.

zenvelo's avatar

So even if her numbers are that high from when she was younger, you say she’s not like that now.

You need to be a bit compassionate and understanding that there was probably something going on in her life that had her so active when she was young, something that took some courage and inner strength to work through if she has now settled down and is interested in one guy, you,

You cannot change her past, you can only change your reaction to it. And like her/love her for what she is now, not what she was 6 or 7 years ago.

anniereborn's avatar

As long as they were disease free, no it would not bother me.

Judi's avatar

Make sure you BOTH get medically checked out then forgive her.
I had a boyfriend when I was young who broke up with me partially because of my past. 30 years later he contacted me and regretted it. I continued to mature and grow until my past was a blip. He was still wallowing in regret.
If you think you will hold it against her and bring it up at every fight cut her lose now so she doesn’t invest another minuet in you. She deserves someone who will recognize her value NOW and not constantly define her by her past.

El_Cadejo's avatar

37!?

sorry, couldn’t help it.

Coloma's avatar

@El_Cadejo Hahaha…that’s hilarious!

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

Yup. I am a guy and consider myself pretty progressive regarding female rights to be treated as an equal.

If she had a lot of sexual partners before me, I would be wondering if she had low standards and if I was just another in her line of one night-stands. If she was a little older, I would be wondering if she was sleeping with me cause she wanted to settle down and have kids before she got too old, and I was good enough.

livelaughlove21's avatar

To me, 15 people is a lot. Pot, don’t call the kettle black. Just make sure you both get tested for STDs.

Coloma's avatar

Really…why can’t a woman exert her sexual appetites freely the way men have been allowed, and encouraged to do for centuries?
It is possible to be a sexually confident female without the stigma of being some insecure, dysfunctional and slutty person. Pffft!

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@Coloma It is possible. Fuck around all you want.

But if you are dating a guy who has fucked around a lot I am sure you make assumptions.

You want men to let you fuck around a lot and not make assumptions. Which makes me think you think women shouldn’t be held to standards. Which makes me think you don’t respect women as thinking individuals.

zenvelo's avatar

15 is a lot for a 25 year old? Lets say he was a late bloomer and started when he was 18; 15 is barely two partners a year while he is sowing his oats. Most guys I went to college with had about 4 partners a year.

And the women I knew in college were equally active.

Judi's avatar

She said she has changed her ways. As a girl who “fucked around a lot” as a C H I L D as this girl apparently did, I know it really messed with my head. I came to a point where I realized that what I was doing was not going to fill the empty hole in my heart, it was actually making things worse. I made a decision to respect myself and my body and change my behavior.
This girl has said that she’s no longer like that. Unless she has given him reason to believe otherwise, and unless he’s unable to let it go, he should take what she says at face value if he really likes her as much as he says he does.

Cruiser's avatar

If I had that many notches in my belt by the time I was 25 I would not be overly concerned about how many partners my SO had. You both sound very sexual and embrace that dynamic and why you might be attracted to each other.

Coloma's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought That’s a lot of ass-uming there, standards are fine, but judging woman in a biased fashion is not. @Judi Agreed, many young woman are sexual for the wrong reasons, but should not have their pasts held against them. Our era was an experimental era.

LornaLove's avatar

I agree with the first answer, digging around in a persons past is a no go area, unless it is affecting your present relationship? The part that would worry me (if at all) is the fact that she did that, meaning, what was in her head at that time?

Negative Reasons For Sleeping Around

Many abused victims sleep around, drugs and booze can also make a person sleep around, feelings of insecurity can too, a broken family or peer pressure.

Positive Reasons

Not to forget that some like to experiment and do so responsibly.

If it is for a negative reason as opposed to a positive one, have those issues been dealt with. I doubt that it will effect your relationship and even who she is today. Life is about learning things about oneself and she said herself, she has changed. (Do you trust her?).

NB. Everyone is telling you to get tested, but this girl may have slept with one guy she liked and only one and he may have slept with 20 girls that week. Just saying.

JLeslie's avatar

I have to say it bothers me a little that the OP is worried about how many guys she slept with more than she would go home with complete strangers on multiple occassions. I am so stuck on it? Was she in college in a college town where people feel more safe? Was she drunk?

When she is 40 it won’t matter how many people she slept with when she was 20, so if you think she is a real possibility for a relationship why does it matter how many men she slept with before you? Break up with her and meet the next “right one” in two years and she will probably have slept with more than a few men. As you get older the numbers will likely only go up.

Smitha's avatar

She was honest enough to tell you about her past so let her past stay in the past. As long as she is truthful to you, there is no reason to get worried. Just like her for who she is and enjoy your time together. If you keep worrying about such things it will eventually hurt you, and make you think of her differently and it could even affect your relationship.

Smashley's avatar

No it wouldn’t bother me, except that I’d question her judgement if it were an extraordinarily high number. Did you tell her your “number” (whatever that means) first, or is she saying “you really don’t want to know” without knowing what you consider the baseline? I disagree with others here that you shouldn’t have asked. You should always ask with a partner you intend to have lots of sex with.

Obvs, ask for a new STI screening (and get one yourself while you’re at it), acknowledge the inherent shortcomings of testing (herpes tests aren’t that accurate if you don’t have sores, and hpv tests aren’t done for mouth or throat, though it can live there), make a conscious choice about risks (and provide her with the information to make the same decision), and get over yourself already.

GloPro's avatar

@Smashley Actually, testing for antibodies for herpes simplex 1 and 2 using a blood sample is incredibly accurate. It isn’t a part of a normal STD screen, so you have to specifically request it. If your antibodies come back elevated then it is 100% accurate that you have been exposed and should consider it a positive test. You can show elevated levels for neither, one or both types. Because it is not a cureable disease it is definitely one to be tested for and honest about.

gailcalled's avatar

I am doing the math but must have it wrong. This woman is now 22. …she started going clubbing in the city at 15/16 years old every week. And slept with someone every single time.

If we say conservatively that she went clubbing only every other week and slept with someone half the time, that makes 52/2 = 26/2 = 13×6 years = 78 different sexual encounters.

If we take the statement literally (with 2 weeks/yearly for vacation) that’s 300 partners.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@zenvelo It’s probably not as much as it sounds to me, but I’m biased. I met my husband at 17, so he’s the only guy I’ve ever been with. He had 5 sexual partners before we met, and I remember feeling as if that was quite a few for a 17-year-old boy. He started at 14, so I suppose it really wasn’t all that many. Most of my friends have only been with a handful of people, and we’re in our mid-20’s. No double digits that I know of. I’ve never had the opportunity or desire to sleep around, so yeah, 15 at 25 sounds like a lot to me. Not that it’s any of my business.

@gailcalled Wow. You’d think, with numbers like that, the odds that she’s contracted some type of STD is pretty damn high. Hopefully any she may have had have been the treatable kind.

My sister contracted genital herpes while using condoms when her partner wasn’t having an outbreak, and he was her second sexual partner. And now she has to live with this for the rest of her life – having to tell everyone she sleeps with before things go to far, not to mention painful monthly outbreaks. She’s been single for the majority of the last ten years because she’s scared to get involved with someone and risk getting dumped once they find out. Her experience was enough to scare me away from casual sex for good. Even if my husband and I were to divorce, I seriously doubt I’d sleep around. Hell, it took 6 months of dating before I slept with him.

GloPro's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Your sister should consider looking into dating websites for people with HSV2. They exist for every incurable STD. They were created to help people in her situation get past the stigma and find someone. These sites aren’t just for hooking up, even though I imagine connecting with someone because you share a similar disease may feel that way. But she’s entitled to adult relationships, too.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@GloPro She’s tried that before, but there isn’t much to offer in South Carolina for some reason. In bigger cities, I’m sure there’s a lot more people that do that sort of thing, but she couldn’t find much of anything locally. Plus, she’s a lesbian, so there’s even less available for her here than if she were straight. Though, I imagine it’d be much easier to prevent spreading it in a lesbian relationship than a heterosexual one. Still, people tend to be pretty scared of genital herpes.

Smashley's avatar

@GloPro – Where did you get your info? False negative tests are common with blood tests, though false-positives do also occur.

Just a quick whip around the internet:
“Serologic tests are most accurate when administered 12 – 16 weeks after exposure to the virus.”
http://www.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/herpes-simplex/diagnosis.html

“The presence of antibodies against herpes simplex means an individual is currently infected with the virus. A positive antibody test does not indicate merely that one has been “exposed” to HSV.” (In opposition to your statement)
http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/27/getting-tested-for-herpes/

“False positive HSV type 2 results can occur, especially in persons with a low likelihood of HSV infection.”
http://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/screening.htm

I dunno. There’s more out there. Anyway, it’s certainly not 100%. I agree it’s worth getting tested if you’re in a high risk group though, but I’d get several tests to get a clearer picture.

GloPro's avatar

The first statement you made and referred to is simply stating the same timeframe for any bloodborn antibodies to be more likely to show up. That’s why HIV tests are also given 12 weeks after exposure.

And how is currently being infected any different than being exposed? Wouldn’t you have to have been exposed to be infected? Seems the same.

Both of those things are directly in line with my point.

EVERY test can show a false positive. That’s why retesting isn’t a bad idea.

Here is an explanation as to all of the different types of HSV testing. Blood tests are extremely accurate.

GloPro's avatar

Ok, @Smashley, I read every one of your links. I suggest you do as well. Each one of these articles you posted states exactly what I originally stated:

“If you have HSV-2 antibodies it indicates you have been exposed and should consider it a positive test.”

If you have antibodies you have had or currently have a disease. Period. That is a fact about any antibody, not just those relating to STDs. Because antibodies grow exponentially in numbers they suggest waiting an ‘incubation period’ of 12 weeks to show up in blood tests. If you have antibodies they will never go away in an incurable disease.
I hope this becomes clearer to you after you read the articles you posted.
you may be confusing the articles stating you cannot tell WHEN exposure occurred. But antibodies are proof exposure and infection occurred.

Coloma's avatar

Oh the 70’s pre-STD zone.
Sure, a few got herpes, or crabs, but it was a pretty safe sex era, all things considered.

Smashley's avatar

@GloPro – Maybe I was tired and misread that line from the first link. My bad. I’d redact it if I could (but I did read my articles. Thanks for being thorough, but don’t be a dick.) My larger point was that false positives and false negatives occur, and HSV screening is not done routinely because of this and other factors, including the stress of a false-positive, the poor decision making that a false negative can lead to, and the general fact that herpes is pretty manageable and not that big of a deal.

One problem with herpes testing is that if you don’t have active sores but are simply in a higher risk group, you can only do blood tests, which are less accurate. Other viruses (like chickenpox) can interfere with antibody tests as well. Your link claims blood tests are “very accurate” which seems quite relative. The best info I can find at the moment posits a somewhere between a 5 to 10% chance of a false positive and states that false negatives and “more common” than this. Get type-specific tests as well, since they are considered more accurate, though they still don’t tell you where you have the infection. #1 in the mouth and #2 in the genitals just isn’t as true as it once was.

The second article I posted stated that a blood antibody test doesn’t test for “exposure” but infection. Yes, I agree. If it comes back positive (and isn’t a false-positive), you should consider yourself infected, because you are infected. You can be exposed without being infected but this doesn’t show up in an antibody test. I suspect we are using different definitions of “exposure” here. I mean that you have had high risk contact with an infected person, you seem to mean that you have been infected, but do not have an “active” infection. Whatever. That point is semantics. Thanks for engaging, anyway.

JLeslie's avatar

Herpes blood tests are very accurate and test for exposure, that’s the problem, a large number of people have been exposed, but have no active sores and are not contagious. Some people have no idea they are positive and have been exposed. Your husband of 25 years who has been with only three people might be positive and you and he never knew.

The herpes culture for active sores can be fairly innacurate, especially false negatives. It’s most reliable if the culture is done when the sore first starts.

HPV also very possible. In fact about 80% of the population has been exposed to HPV, but the number might be going down now with the vaccines. But, you might as well just assume you are carrying HPV. When I say you, I mean all of you. It’s so common.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

You were out there boinking like bunnies and she was out there boinking like three bunnies. Logically that ship has sailed, so long as neither of you got caught by anything permanent, I guess you can look at it as “N’importe quoi”, and move on. Logically any more than one the numbers don’t really matter; 2, 20, 2,000, it don’t matter. Herpes, AIDS, pregnancy, etc. can get you on the 1st boink. If you get hit by one pigeon or five, you still have a messy shirt. In a practical sense, you don’t know how far in area she was renting her goodies out, you can expect at some point to run into someone who has dipped their wick in her honey pot before you. Hopefully they have the common decency not to share any details of their time with her to you; but it may happen. While it is technically nothing since you were both sleeping around, the actual need to know other than if she got any ”critters” you need to know about is to brace yourself for running into someone who may be grinning and licking his lips because you are snacking his leftovers.

Coloma's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central Haha…love the analogies. yeah, once you’re on the ground in a stampede, one steer or the whole herd, really doesn’t matter, trampled is trampled. They all kinda blend together anyway. lol

GloPro's avatar

@Smashley sorry you think I’m being a dick, but not understanding how testing works, the results of testing, etc, can put you or others at risk for contracting an STD… Any STD. If you go to a doctor and ask for an STD screen they will not test your blood for antibodies. Unless you ask. A reason to ask might be that your partner tells you he is HSV2 positive, but he hasn’t had an outbreak. Well, antibodies testing is the only way to see if your body has been fighting HSV2, which is a positive indicator of infection.
I don’t see how it is relevant as to where the sores show up on your body. HSV1 and HSV2 are different strains entirely, but can show up (or not) on the face or genital area. Only the antibody specific tests will tell you which strain you have. Chicken pox, being yet another HSV strain, with entirely separate antibodies, should not be relevant if you test positive for HSV2 antibodies. I think it is important to get your facts somewhere other than half-reading Internet articles to dispute with me. I am confident in the info I am attempting to share with you. I am not trying to be a dick, but I disagree that herpes is any less significant than other STDs. You should know how to protect yourself and others from spreading ANY diseases, I don’t care if it’s a cold.
There is only one other point I would like to make clear, for the sake of keeping yourself and others safe. Although ‘active’ sores may not be present with any herpes strain, it is possible to infect others if the dormant virus is shedding. If someone has been confirmed positive they are never free from the possibility of spreading the virus.
Again, I don’t want you to think I’m a dick, but when it comes to protecting your health it should be considered a top priority. You only get one body, and incurable is incurable.
the “you” I use is not specific, but conversationally global. I just felt the need to correct misinformation.

Smashley's avatar

@GloPro – I’m surprised this continues. You gave an inflated account of the accuracy of herpes testing, and I rebutted, however ramblingly. You claimed 100% accuracy, which is not true. You agreed that this was not true. Are we just arguing degrees then?

I don’t think there’s much that you and I disagree upon, actually. I have not advocated not getting tested, I was explaining why herpes testing is not currently a part of routine STD screening. I think you are misreading my posts, since you are pushing on details that I have not contradicted you on, or have expressed similarly. I shall try to keep my posts clearer and possibly shorter in the future.

Do I think the OP and partner should be tested for herpes? Yes.

JLeslie's avatar

The thing about herpes is let’s say someone you like is positive for HSV1 or HSV2 antibodies, what are you going to do? Are they now someone you are not willing to date? You could always use condoms. If you want to marry them eventually you can use them the rest of your life, use artificial insemination for pregnancy, no kissing or oral sex without protection.

I’m not saying people can’t decide not to date people infected with either strain, I am not making a judgment, I am only pointing out how vigilant you might have to be if the person doesn’t remember ever having it. They don’t know for sure what part of their body might shed the virus.

I know people who worry about herpes, but then will eat off of someone else’s fork and kiss just about anybody. That’s ilogical.

Coloma's avatar

One can test positive for the antibodies, but, if you have never had a breakout of any kind, it is considered to be a non-issue, not even worthy of disclosure.

JLeslie's avatar

@Coloma I half agree. People can ignore it and brush off an outbreak as something else, especially if the outbreak is mild. A woman might think she has a yeast infection for instance. Some women don’t really analyze what is going on down there. I would have a mirror between my legs. LOL.

Coloma's avatar

@JLeslie My doctor told me this years ago, but true, if a woman is not in touch with any oddities she may overlook a potential symptom.
I am a knowledge seeker, the researcher from hell, and have done some mirror examinations myself a few times. haha

JLeslie's avatar

@Coloma A lot of people would be shocked to find out they are carriers of the herpes virus, or that their long time SO is.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@Coloma Haha…love the analogies. yeah, once you’re on the ground in a stampede, one steer or the whole herd, really doesn’t matter, trampled is trampled.
Trampled would be more akin to fighting or getting assaulted; it can harm you, or the potential for harm is there. Mere ly screwing nearly everything with a pulse is not going to physically harm you in itself, events connected to it might, but not the actual boinking. <wink>

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