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LeavesNoTrace's avatar

Help! Why do I have such a schoolgirl crush after one date?

Asked by LeavesNoTrace (2534 points ) 2 months ago

I’m in my mid-twenties and have started dating again after a long term relationship ended (by my own choice) a few months ago.

As much as I hate the ‘idea’ of using any sort of app to meet guys, my friends recommended I try Tinder and overall my experience hasn’t been bad. I live in NYC so there’s a large array of men to select from and I’ve met some nice guys actually, but none that I really felt a ‘spark’ for. That is until this past weekend.

I was visiting my aunt 7 hours away in Western NY and started talking to a guy who was also from NYC/LA and was visiting his family in the area. (He splits his time between coasts as an actor). We agree to meet for a drink the next night and it turned out to be quite possibly, the best date I’ve ever had—and I’m young, but no novice.

Interestingly enough, we find out that his family knows my family, we both used to live in the same Astoria neighborhood, AND he was the lead in a B’way show I modeled for a couple of years and we’d both seen images of one another in the past without even realizing it. And to think we randomly crossed paths in this little town I hadn’t even visited since I was 13!

The entirety of the evening was spent laughing, flirting, and having great conversations. We stayed out until about 2pm, and ended up making out on a park bench by a waterfall like a couple of randy adolescents. Except there was nothing, dirty or weird about it, it just felt…right in a way…and I never wanted it to end. It was as if my body was pure electricity and I don’t remember ever feeling that in my entire life. It was, quite possibly, the best kiss I’ve ever had and it was with a near stranger!

As soon as he dropped me off, he sent me some very positive texts about what a great time he’d had and how happy he was he got to spend time with me.

We texted a little the next day and then fell out of contact until yesterday morning (four days later) when I had the nerve to say hello to him on FB. He responded immediately and we had a short but friendly chat. I asked him if he was coming to NYC and to let me know if he wanted to ‘hang out or something’ and he said ‘You got it!” and then that was it.

Now, I find myself constantly distracted with thoughts of him, delusional thoughts that are only setting me up for heartbreak because I’m not even sure he likes me. I wonder if he’s changed his mind and won’t want to see me and am starting to feel rather insecure. Help!

Please, helpful advice only, no snark or mean-spirited comments. I know I sound like some daft teenager with a schoolgirl crush and I feel like one too!

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13 Answers

Coloma's avatar

Just go with the flow, it might be nothing more than a fleeting infatuation, or…it could lead to a more serious involvement. It’s natural to feel smitten in your younger years, but, sounds like you are self aware enough and level headed enough to not go completely off the deep end. Just enjoy the moment, come what may, or may not. haha

elbanditoroso's avatar

Don’t question it. Don’t overanalyze it. Enjoy it.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@Coloma and @elbanditoroso I’m terrified of rejection.

Should I be nervous that he hasn’t been talking to me more? I made the mistake of reading He’s Just Not That Into You as a teenager and I think that’s a cardinal sign.

He seemed really interested on the date with the electric chemistry we had and all so I’m hoping he’s not SO fickle. God if he knew I was on the internet asking this question at all he would run and I wouldn’t blame him…

Coloma's avatar

@LeavesNoTrace There really is no such thing as rejection. If you choose daisies over roses at the flower market are you rejecting the roses? No, you are just choosing the daisies. haha
Don’t think of “rejection”, think of choice. So what, if your not somebodies perfect flavor, someone else won’t be yours either.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

I know, I just can’t explain what I’m feeling right now. It’s making me feel crazy! After I just said “Hi there” to him on FB yesterday morning, I had to physically sit down because I was afraid my knees would buckle. it’s that bad! And this is after one date! I was so nervous about what he would say or wouldn’t say, my heart was beating out of my chest.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

Your reaction to him is understandable. Pheremones really have a strong effect without humans realizing it. That could have a lot to do with it. Also, talking about places you both have been in the past gives him a feel of familiarity, even more, you are associating him with warm cozy memories. Of course you would have an emotional reaction to someone who is tied in with so many things which gives you fond memories.
It sounds wonderful, and I think it sounds safe enough to go ahead keeping things going, but also keep in mind some of those feelings may come from other things, the things he reminds you of.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@Jonesn4burgers

A very cogent point. In my mind, I could almost taste the hormonal cocktail we were stirring as we kissed. (Sorry for the gross visual.) It’s weird to say but he just tasted RIGHT to me.

Is the fact that we haven’t been speaking much—although the brief interaction was friendly—since Sunday, a surefire sign he’s not interested? Can anyone answer that based on experience? Do guy ever play the same games women do? I haven’t been contacting him much either because I don’t want to look insane.

gailcalled's avatar

We texted a little the next day and then fell out of contact until yesterday morning (four days later) when I had the nerve to say hello to him on FB. He responded immediately and we had a short but friendly chat. I asked him if he was coming to NYC and to let me know if he wanted to ‘hang out or something’ and he said ‘You got it!” and then that was it.

You have reached out twice; he was friendly and casual..“You got it” is pleasant but pretty breezy from where i am sitting. So that means a waiting game for you. I would try to rein in my emotions, if I were you or risk some real disappointment. He does not seem to be pining away on a similar surge of overwhelming emotions.

From several of your earlier questions (one example ) and comments, you seem to be prone to mood swings with very high highs, such as you are describing now. I would proceed with caution. After the intense pleasure may come a big fall.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@gailcalled

The question you cite as the example—I really should have followed-up on. I spoke to my therapist about that after the fact, and she told me that she needed to Dx me with something in order to have my insurance continue to cover my sessions. She chose the lowest level of Bipolar to achieve that end. When I asked her what she thought my real Dx should be, she said most likely PTSD from my mother’s passing and the robbery I experienced whilst living in Ecuador afterward, and some typical grief symptoms which would expect to take a while to pass.

I’m not mentally unstable, and compared to many people my age, mostly have my life together, despite being dealt a few rough blows in the past.

I agree with what you say however, about not setting myself up for disappointment. What I’ve been telling myself about this experience is that it at least serves to show me that there are possibly a number of awesome guys out there with whom I could potentially connect. And what will be, will be.

I think I may be swimming in a bit of an oxytocin cocktail right now but if it doesn’t pan out for any number of reasons, I know it’ll pass eventually.

kritiper's avatar

Settle down! Don’t let the rush overpower you! Get some time under your belt to let it sink in. Maybe you won’t be so wound up next week. Or next month. Of course, you may really be in love. There is such a thing as “love-at-first-sight” but it’s generally overrated.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I agree with what @Jonesn4burgers was saying. He’s a stranger, but there’s a familiarity you two share simply because of your past. Because you clicked on top of it and you have natural chemistry, you’re riding what feels like, and is, a natural high. Which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with as long as you moderate yourself, which you seem to be doing a good job of. Whirlwind romances are something extremely powerful and can also be extremely special, but reality can have a way of crashing down when you aren’t expecting it to.

Just ride it out, see where it takes you and enjoy every moment. Nothing wrong with stating that you had a good time and would like to do so again.

When I experienced something similar, the guy was also slightly aloof and tried to play it cool, but it turned out that he was really into me. 8 years later, he’s still in my life – but the ride was not free of drama. It has, to this day, been one of the most powerful experiences I’ve ever had,

rojo's avatar

You had the hots that day and were just susceptible to whatever pheremones were shot your way.

Earthbound_Misfit's avatar

I fall into the ‘enjoy it’ camp. It’s one of the joys of dating. Obviously you two hit it off so let yourself enjoy this feeling of possibility and excitement.

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