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Kardamom's avatar

If someone, male or female, was contemplating getting married, what things do you think they should know about their partners?

Asked by Kardamom (23816 points ) August 7th, 2014

People fall in love all the time. I think most of us know by now, that love alone, is not enough to sustain a happy and successful marriage.

What things do you think people should know about their potential spouse before taking the plunge? What things do you wish you had known before you married your spouse? If you had known certain negative things about your spouse before you married them, would you have still chosen to marry that person? If so, why?

Are you married, divorced, living together, in a serious relationship but not living together, or single and never married?

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18 Answers

SQUEEKY2's avatar

Mrs Squeeky and I are going on over 25years of marriage .
It’s been great, hard, loving, trying, difficult ,wonderful,all rolled into one,I think one thing that kept us together was we were both fine with not having kids,now all these years later she said that she would have had one if I had wanted , but was still fine with none, to this day I still don’t want any.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

Now enough about us, as to your question, make sure your both on the same wave link when it comes to things like children, saving$, investments,and sex drives, the rest seem to work out as long as you communicate.

Kardamom's avatar

On another Q, a person was suggesting that because of their religious belief, that they should have little or no contact with the potential spouse, a person that they barely know. It sounded like madness to me. A real recipe for disaster.

I personally, would want to know lots and lots of things about the other person before I contemplated marrying them. And God forbid, what if they are a bad kisser? I don’t think I could marry someone who was a bad kisser, or someone who brayed like a donkey when they laughed (yes I dated that guy).

SQUEEKY2's avatar

@Kardamom Yeah I don’t get the religious belief thing either, your asking for a life long commitment from each, but lets not get to know each other before hand first?
Makes a lot of sense NOT!!
Those kind of people must be a used car dealers wet dream!

zenvelo's avatar

One should know if you are sexually compatible, since that is a very necessary part of being in a lasting marriage.

And the other big thing to know and explore before marriage is attitudes and uses of money. Too often disagreements about money ruin an other wise loving relationship.

rojo's avatar

Make sure you are friends first. It is nice to have someone to talk to and with.

BeenThereSaidThat's avatar

I would want to know if my “partner” wants to have children and a family. If he doesn’t want children then what’s the point? Also does he have a good career to support the family.

Being the same Religion is a must! BTW, I’m a female and married for close to 50 yrs.

janbb's avatar

@BeenThereSaidThat I don’t at all think being of the same religion is a must. At least it wasn’t for me. I do think that discussing religious beliefs (or the lack thereof) and how you are going to accommodate them in your relationship and family is a must.

JLeslie's avatar

I’ve been married 21 years.

I think people should know:

- How their SO deals with money. Do they save? Have debt? Plan for the future?

- Their expectations for household chores.

- Their feelings regarding disciplining children (whether they plan on children or not).

- How they feel about paying for school for children both K-12 and college (whether they plan on having children or not).

- If they want children and how many.

- Abortion and related to that if they are pregnant with a fetus that has genetic problems are they open to aborting.

- Religion. Do they attend services every week, do they expect their spouse to go with them. Do they want their children raised attending church and religious teachings and traditions even if they don’t go currently?

- Temper.

- Willingness to communicate.

- That they care about your goals. All goals. Financial, material things, achievements, and career.

- Big one—where they want to live. My husband made sure I would be willing to move early in our relationship. He knew he would go wherever the job opportunities were.

- How they get along with their family.

- Expectations of spending time with relatives.

I did discuss or simply find out about a lot of these before I got married. Some things have been a surprise during our marriage, I still learn new things about my husband after all this time, partly because peope change over time. The most important thing is we communicate and really care about supporting each other in our goals so we don’t feel held back by being married.

BeenThereSaidThat's avatar

@janbb I can track down at least five generations of my family on both sides. we are all the same religion and all married people of the same religion. no drop outs and everyone in my extended family goes to church at least once a week. BTW, Catholic and damn proud of it.

I got married at nineteen and never even considered dating someone who wasn’t Catholic.

janbb's avatar

@BeenThereSaidThat That’s fine but it doesn’t make it a must for everyone, BTW. Catholics do tend to stay married but that doesn’t mean we should all be Catholic.

BeenThereSaidThat's avatar

@janbb I never said a person had to be catholic to be married 50 years. I think people of the same Faith be it Jewish, Catholic or Protestant have a better chance if they both have the same beliefs and don’t believe in Divorce unless it is a last resort. Many couples today seem to think Marriage is like dating. when you get tired of the person just get rid of them and find another.

JLeslie's avatar

Actually, around 70% of first marriage stay together. So the majority of people are committed in their marriages.

I think being the same religion can reduce the chance of conflict regarding religion, but the most important thing is that the people respect the other person’s religion and beliefs and are ok if their children want to be a part of that religion. I’m Jewish, but I have more in common with a not religious Catholic than I do with an orthodox Jew.

Mariah's avatar

As someone who’s still pretty far away from being married I don’t really have wisdom on this topic, but there is one thing I think is really important to know about someone before you marry somebody: How do they react when shit hits the fan?

Some people undergo huge personality shifts when things are going wrong vs. when things are just fine. A family friend of mine got married and soon after fell horrendously ill for months. She had to move back in with her mom because her husband coped by kind of just turning to stone, he was useless.

My life has been full of strife and I know it’s not over. I need someone who’s gonna be supportive if and when shit hits the fan.

I don’t think I’ll ever marry someone without getting hospitalized at least one in the relationship first (it’s frequent enough for me that this isn’t probably going to be a roadblock). I need to know how they’ll react.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

If you marry a woman named Alison, she will let you know right after marriage that anything you make will eventually be “Ali money”.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@Kardamom The response on this question encompasses just about everything that my SO and I talked about in the beginning of our relationship. In a smaller degree, we still do. Maybe that is the key to a successful relationship. It takes continued communication in order to maintain a partnership.

What I have learned about relationships comes from observing and talking to family members and friends about theirs. Here are a few of them:

* Respect is probably the most important. Once a partner loses respect and can’t get past it, then the relationship is going to have problems. Love grows from respect.
* Financial From what I’ve read, this is one of the top reasons for divorce, at least in the USA. The couples that agree on how to handle money, and more importantly do so, are more likely to stay together. This has proven so in my family.
* Communication Once this stops becoming a two-way street, then the relationship is doomed.

It’s interesting that this thread includes ‘religion’ and ‘sex’ in the top factors. Of the couples I have known that had differing religious beliefs or migrated to another belief, it wasn’t about religion. Other factors in their relationship held a higher priority for the decision, despite citing religious disagreements for the reason.

As for sexual interaction, doesn’t that rely on communication and practice? My much older sister once told me that sex with her husband grew better over the years due to this. It was too much information at the time, but the message has always stayed with me.

rojo's avatar

Can you argue and bicker and still love each other or does the anger turn to vindictiveness and spite?

Kardamom's avatar

I’m going to add one more thing. Does your potential spouse understand what birth control is and how to use it properly?

I should hope that no one in 2014 thinks that if a young lady uses tampons and ruptures her own hymen, which is very likely, that she is not a virgin. I’ve heard, recently, that a ruptured hymen in some parts of the U.S. is considered to be proof that a young lady, or little girl, is not a virgin. Young ladies use tampons, which can easily rupture a hymen, for cleanliness, not sex. It’s difficult to practice figure skating, gymnastics, basketball, swimming, diving,hockey or any other sport or dance whilst wearing a big, bulky, blood soaked pad.

As if being a virgin is somehow important to an adult/adult relationship. I just don’t get it.

Right now, there are probably a thousand hymens rupturing, and probably 50% of them are still virgins. Hymens belong to women, not men. ‘Nuff said.

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