Any tips on how to stop daydreaming about my boyfriend?

Please excuse me while I vomit.

Okay, I’m back. It’ll pass, believe me. Talking marriage after 2–3 months of “dating?” And what does being a Christian have to do with not seeing each other for three weeks? Let me guess, it was his idea? This guy has you wrapped around his finger and that’s not always a good thing. You’re not some 16-year-old girl anymore, even though you sound a bit like one. Get your head out of your boyfriend’s ass and do your job instead of gazing longingly at photos and dreaming about white picket fences and a perfect future with the man of your dreams, because the latter doesn’t exist. This isn’t a fairy tale, so get a grip.

^ I call it tough love, but seriously!

Perhaps start by kissing him. Maybe you won’t actually enjoy it. Where in the bible does it say that a few little hugs are the perfect preparation for marriage? How do you know you are compatible enough for a lifetime commitment? Spend no time together and have no contact.

You are being so obsessive! Stop it! It is not healthy for you, him, or the relationship. Ask him if he would still love you if you lose your job, because going on like this, you will.
Tell him you are concerned that you are losing focus at work, then spend a much needed day away from him, a BUSY day. Not a spa day, that’s too daydreamy. Spend a day taking craft sets to the pediatric ward at the hospital..

@livelaughlove21 OK its quite clear that you don’t really understand the principles that we go by and that’s fine because not many people do. It wasn’t just his idea it is something that both of us have agreed to together and have been heavily supported by our parents and other people with in our Christian community. Its just what we do and that’s not going to change. It also helps to test your love for someone and test if the love is true.

@gailcalled it doesn’t say that in the Bible and I am not saying that we wont kiss before we are married but its just that we believe in keeping a relationship pure and right. We believe in no sex before marriage and limited physical contact as a whole. The main reason why we haven’t yet kissed is once you have kissed its very hard to leave at a simple kiss and not take it further then that.

@Jonesn4burgers I don’t think it would go as far as loosing my job, I have a very good relationship with my boss and i know that i am of value to the business. It is just frustrating for my self that I cant concentrate.
The main reason that I wont be seeing him for 3 weeks is that i am going to stay at cousins for the next 2 weekends which should also help to keep me busy and keep my mind off it.

Right. Grow up. Plain and simple. Instead of picking apart my answer, recognize what we all are telling you. Wake up. We didn’t have to take the time to answer you. You asked, here I am. You are being unhealthy. What did you want? A pity party? Take control of yourself. Period.

@Jonesn4burgers I didn’t come for a pity party but i didn’t come to get criticized either.
Its simple, I am in love and I cant stop thinking about him. All I wanted was any ideas to help me concentrate while at work.

Maybe I should have made my question a little simpler.

@lornahayes There are no tricks we can give you to help you concentrate. You just need to do it, because you’re an adult and have responsibilities. As @Jonesn4burgers said, you need to grow up. I’m in love too – I’m married – but I don’t sit at my desk all day daydreaming about him. I’m at work to do what they pay me to do, as are you.

Sure, new “love” (after only a couple of months, I’d call it lust and obsession on your part) is exciting and it’s normal to think of him a lot, but having such a big problem that you need to ask complete strangers how to concentrate on your work? Get a grip. That whole, “oh, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think of anything but my undying love for him” stuff is best left on the big screen. This is real life, so get ahold of yourself.

@lornahayes

This is too much, too soon.

I wish i had never asked your advice!!

Funny. You asked for advice, people gave you advice, and instead of taking things into consideration or at least calmly discussing what’s right and what’s wrong you bitched the advice then screamed “I wish I had never asked your advice”. So what kind of advice do you want?

Perhaps you would be better asking the question on a Christian dating site.

I will say that in the early days of infatuation with someone and even some of the later ones, i is hard for me not to obsess about my loved one. See if you can save your daydreaming time for when your chores for the day are done is all.

This is why many Christians (strict ones) have it so wrong with dating. You don’t want to kiss/do anything before marriage but you also limit your contact. What results is this unrealistic, silly puppy love with no basis in reality. It also leads to early marriages, which statistically are a bad idea. You’re 20 and you are thinking of marrying in a year after only “dating” for 2–3 months without any real dates? You are in a fantasy land.

All this limitation seems unhealthy for both of you. It can cause serious psychological distress.
You need to get to know your partner before you spend the rest of your life with him. If you marry without being close, who knows how you’ll feel about him when you’re 30 and married. And in your religion, divorce isn’t an option. I say go out there and get to know him so you’re sure he’s the one. I’ve never had a relationship before, but others I’ve known spend more than just 5 months together before they marry.

@seekingwolf My sister and his brother are getting married in September. We have had a lot to do with the family and we know each other very well i would not consider this a fantasy land.

@lornahayes

You’ve only been “more than friends” for 2–3 months and haven’t been on a real one-on-one date. The fact that you think you know each other very well given these facts shows that you are living in a fantasy land.

@dxs I know him very well already and we believe that you don’t properly get to know your partner until you are married. I know he is the right one for me!!!!!

@lornahayes I haven’t read the above, but did you know this question and answer site is run and populated mainly by atheists? And why are you asking questions such as this to the masses? If you are a Christian (I’m one too), why aren’t you posing these questions to someone in your church? Don’t you trust them?

@seekingwolf It is the pleasure of getting married to someone to get to know them properly and live your life as a pair.
Also it is never easy for you to get the full picture just from what i have written here.

@snowberry Thanks for your advice. I do trust the people of my church its just i thought i would see what the open world had to say.

This is a completely bizarre story. None of the things you say are about “being a good Christian” are actually biblical. They are based on your personal idea of what a Christian should do (not sure which chapter and verse deals with the amount of time that can be spent on the phone – must look that up). If you’ve decided to put these weird limits on the time you spend with your boyfriend, then do so, but don’t blame it on Christianity. Plenty of Christians actually get to know their future spouses before the wedding. Some even touch each other! Some even kiss!! Gasp!!!

Anyway, know that limiting the time that you spend together now means that you risk marrying someone who isn’t actually the fantasy that you are creating in your mind. If that happens, what will you be able to do about it? I suspect divorce is out of the question. So perhaps it would be worth the investment to find out who this person is, more than who he is in the brief conversations you are allowing. You ask how to “stop daydreaming”, but it honestly sounds like you are living in a daydream full-time.

And regarding focusing on your work, I agree with @livelaughlove21 here: get a grip. You’re an adult, with responsibilities of your own. You’ve made a commitment to your employer, and you have to honour that. If you have as much faith as you claim to, this should not be a difficult concept for you.

@lornahayes I can’t tell you what to believe, and I can’t tell what you believe, either. Because of this, I don’t know what to tell you. So if you want religious advice, definitely go to your priest/pastor.

@lornahayes

You believe that marriage comes first and THEN you get to know each other?
That’s like shooting first and asking questions later.

I’m not even saying that you should have sex prior to marriage. I don’t believe that’s required. But you two are really rushing here. And yeah, you don’t know each other well yet. At all. Yet you’re so eager to jump into this? This is why there is so much infidelity and marital strife in the Evangelical community. People jump into things without really getting to know each other. You barely know this guy. 2–3 months? That’s nothing.

I don’t know what to tell you. It just screams fantasy land to me. I think you need to get a grip on reality. I really do.

@dappled_leaves I said we live by the Bible but i didn’t say that what we are doing in limiting contact comes from scripture. I also am not saying that we wont have physical contact before marriage, as we already have hugged each other and will most likely kiss before marriage. How ever because of my age and the fact that we wont be getting married for another year and a half we don’t want to start kissing and hugging too much so far in advance. I know him well enough to marry him and we trust each other to be loyal. I will most likely get to know him a lot better then i do now before we get married anyway.

You’re horny. That’s what I think is occurring.

@seekingwolf Not quite as strict as it may come across. I do and will get to know him better between now and marriage but with anyone you never properly know someone until after marriage where you spend every step of life together.

@lornahayes

Okay, that is true. Obviously when you spend your life together, you’ll get to know each other more and more. However, there is something to be said for really getting to know each other as much as you can PRIOR to marriage.

I’m saying, slow down. Don’t marry for at least 1.5 years, preferably more because you are both so young. Go on regular one-on-one dates. Kiss each other (and yes, you can have it not go beyond that. I dated several guys in high school and never went all the way with them even though we kissed a lot and that was my choice and it was easy) and hold hands and be a couple. Go through trials and tribulations together prior to marriage.

You don’t know if someone is the right for you this soon when you’ve only had family dates for 2–3 months and you limit your contact otherwise. You are acting on infatuation right now. The choice to marry should never be made on infatuation.

@seekingwolf we wont get married until i am 21 any way. He is 24 by the way and has just bought his own house. Thanks for your advice and i will get to know him better between now and marriage.

@lornahayes

That’s good. I hope you two will make the choice to not have children for a few years after marrying as well. A common mistake many couples make is that they go right into marriage, don’t use birth control, and then have to deal with a new marriage AND a baby in the first year. Don’t do that to yourself. Wait a few years.

Car salesperson here:

We have everyone take a test drive for a reason.

@seekingwolf Don’t mention birth control if she’s Christian, even though most Christians use it anyway.

Oh good grief. Your naïveté will not serve you well, I’ll tell you that much. I mean, just look at what you’ve said:

“We are both so in love, so much so that he has lost his apatite for food and we are both constantly tired and weary.”

“This is my first serious boyfriend I have ever had.”

“I cant stop thinking about my boyfriend. I have to keep looking at pictures of him and dreaming about times we have had together.”

“The main reason why we haven’t yet kissed is once you have kissed its very hard to leave at a simple kiss and not take it further then that.”

“I am in love and I cant stop thinking about him.”

“I know he is the right one for me!!!!!”

“I know him well enough to marry him and we trust each other to be loyal.”

.

You sound like a pre-teen girl with her first crush, not an adult in a serious relationship. And this…

“I wish i had never asked your advice!!”

Oh, why don’t you go stomp your feet and throw a fit, then. That’ll solve all of your problems!

You’ve got a lot of growing up to do before you should consider marrying someone. Wait longer than a year. You should be a mature adult before tying yourself to someone for life – and you’re nowhere near ready right now.

Sorry to crush your dreams, but life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. You shouldn’t have your guard down this soon into the relationship. He could totally screw you over and you’d be defenseless because you’re infatuated with him and think he’s the best thing since sliced bread. He’s just a guy, not a saint. Guard your heart or someone will break it.

@livelaughlove21 Sounds like your not a very nice person to know. Doesn’t sound like you would trust anyone. You haven’t crushed my dreams at all, and these aren’t just dreams this is serious and i believe i will get married to this guy. I completely trust him and we are both completely loyal to each other.

@seekingwolf We wouldn’t have children for at least a year after marriage by choice.

@dxs

Yeah I thought about that before mentioning birth control but you know, regardless of your religion, it’s just a plain bad idea to get married so young and to have a honeymoon baby. If she thinks The Pill/IUD is murder because of the abortion issue, she can use condoms.

—I have no advice but am following along in… disbelief and giggling. @jca hehehe you funny. Omg americans are sooo weird

@lornahayes

It is good to trust but it’s not good to have blind trust/faith. Do you know what I mean? Always trust and don’t snoop/moderate but it’s good to keep an eye out for suspicious activity. Never love or trust blindly. Ever. That’s true for everyone though, not just you.

@trailsillustrated Just in case you are referring to me i am English.

@lornahayes I do beg your pardon, where in England might you be, Lass? Your syntax had me fooled.

@seekingwolf Thanks for the advice.

@trailsillustrated I come from Pinner just out side of central London.

wow just amazing well I hope it all goes well.—I thought you were going to be from rural alabama

@trailsillustrated I trust it will. Thanks

@lornahayes I’m used to people thinking I’m “not very nice” because I don’t sugar-coat anything or feed people’s fantasies. I do trust people, but I’m not going to completely give myself (emotionally) to some guy I’ve only been dating for 2–3 months. I normally hate when people say “you’ll see when…” because I think it’s condescending but, I must – you’ll see when you’ve experienced life a bit more that people aren’t always what you’d like them to be. In fact, people are rarely what you’d like them to be. And it’s best to protect yourself from getting hurt. Something tells me that, if this relationship ever ended, you’d end up sitting in bed watching Casablanca, crying your eyes out with a pint of ice cream in your lap, thinking your life is over. It exhausts me just thinking about it.

We are both so in love, so much so that he has lost his apatite(sic) for food and we are both constantly tired and weary. This sounds like chronic Lyme disease or the flu, not love. Most new lovers are energized and hopped up.

@gailcalled

Actually, when she said that, I could relate. The first time I fell in love was when I was 14. I lost 10–15 lb. I lost my appetite completely. For months. I had to force myself to eat at times. I became quite fatigued as a result.

See, when you’re young and you fall in love (even at her age) for the first time, it can be really overwhelming. You just don’t know what to do with yourself or your emotions. There’s a lot of fantasy and longing and naivety, etc.

So yes, I can relate because it happened 10 years ago. But it’s not based in reality. At all. And it’s not indicative of healthy adult relationships. It doesn’t last.

^^ OP is not 14 and will be turning 20 in under five months. At 14 I wanted to run away with my female camp counselor.

@gailcalled

I know, I’m just saying though – it’s par for the course for some people when they first fall in love. But it’s not based in reality and she needs to slow it down and learn how to properly deal with the feelings so they don’t consume her life.

Most people learn how to deal with that when they are 14, not 20, but she has to learn how to do it now.

I thought you were a year older than me and that scared me. But then I saw that you’re actually two months younger than me. Whatever, it still scares me.

Listen. What’s happening is you’re horny and curious about this guy. 3–4 weeks in, this is infatuation. It sounds like your community has shamed you out of accepting that women can be sexual. What is this feeling? Lust. But you’re rounding it up to love so as not to be shamed for it.

@trailsillustrated In rural Alabama she would already be hitched with her 2nd child on the way at 20

I waited to marry until I was 34. Still a tad early IMO and we dated for five years.

Bottled up lust requires a valve. I recommend ‘toys’.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to have your own life outside of him. Friends, hobbies, goals, dreams, etc. Spend time with those parts of your life. If you don’t have those things in your life, and it’s always all about him, then that’s likely the problem. This is really important no matter how old you are, or at what stage the relationship is.

@ARE_you_kidding_me 2nd child at 20??? What is wrong? Has her common law hubby been diddling the neighbors instead? At 20, and in Alabama, she should be at least on her fourth, if not fifth!

Time and distance will cool the ardor and give you better perspective. Take up an intense sport.

@jca and @ragingloli oh hehehehe so funny lol

You “go strictly by the Bible”

Will he be taking on other wives in addition to you?

Do you place heavy rocks on top of prostitutes and adulterers until they are crushed to death?

At your age you are supposed to be making mistakes and savoring the pain.

It makes life sweeter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_qZ5B-yioU

@SecondHandStoke NO

@SecondHandStoke did enjoy the video though.

Glad you liked. Sums up a lot for me well.

Good luck! And I mean it. I know that it isn’t likely, but I would be fascinated in hearing about the progress of you 2 with your relationship. Is it at all possible that you might periodically update us on events in the future?

Here are some things that I think all couples should ask themselves long before they get married. It’s a very long list, with a lot of information, but if you are seriously thinking of getting married, then you need to know the answers to all of these questions and consider everything, and not just hope for a fairy tale relationship with your potential husband. Consider printing this out and sitting down with your boyfriend, and maybe a church counselor and discuss all of this, together, before you even think about getting married.

Do you both want to have kids?

How many kids?

Would you be OK with only one child?

If either of you are sterile, would you rather not have any kids, or would you rather adopt?

Who is going to pay for your wedding?

Do you expect a ring? How much money is allocated towards rings?

If your potential husband doesn’t want to wear a ring, would you be Ok with that?

Who is going to manage your finances, you, him or both of you?

If you were to become pregnant before marriage, would you still get married, put your child up for adoption, or get an abortion?

If you became pregnant shortly after marriage, but you were not financially able to support a family, would you put your child up for adoption, get an abortion, or give your child to another family member until you could become financially independent?

How much time do you want to spend with your potential husband’s immediate and extended family?

How much time do you want the two of you to spend with your own, immediate and extended, family?

Does your potential husband want you to spend time with his immediate family? If so, how much time?

If your potential husband doesn’t want to spend the same amount of time with your immediate family, would you be able to compromise? What would those comprises consist of?

Do you want to rent a home or buy a home? Is your potential spouse in agreement?

How much money do you have in savings?

How much money do either of you make per year?

Is your combined income enough to keep both of you happy and comfortable, once you are married?

Do you or your potential husband like animals? If so, do you both like all potential pets (cats, dogs, birds, hamsters, turtles, rabbits, horses etc.) or does one or both of you have one animal that you’d prefer?

Do either of you have any animal allergies that would make it difficult for you to keep a pet that your partner likes, that you are allergic to?

If you or your partner had an animal that was causing allergies or scratching your furniture, would you be willing to give up your pet? If so, how would you get rid of your pet? Would you put it down, try to adopt it out, give it to a friend, or just take it to the Humane Society and hope for the best.

When you are on vacation, does either one of you prefer to stay home, rather than travel? If the other person wanted to travel, without you, or the other way around, would that be Ok?

How are you going to divvy up the household chores, cleaning, cooking, yard work, and maintenance?

What if your potential husband has a car that he will bring into the marriage, and he prefers that you do not ever drive “his” car, would you be Ok with that?

Do both of you have a similar sense of taste in food? If not, are both of you willing to go out of your way to make the other person’s tastes when cooking a meal? One person might like spicy food, while the other cannot tolerate it. One person might be a vegetarian while the other is an omnivore.
One person might have dietary restrictions due to an illness, is the other person willing to step up to the plate and make good dietary choices for their spouse, even if it is an inconvenience?

Who is going to do the bulk of grocery shoppin?

Is one member of the couple more social than the other? If so, will the social butterfly be able to fly solo, whilst leaving the loner at home alone with a book, without resentment?

Will the loner be OK on his/her own without resorting to jealous thoughts?

What would you expect to happen if one or either or both of you lost your job?

What is your political party affiliation?

If you have differing political party affiliations, will that be a problem for either of you?

Regarding the household, how clean is clean regarding the bathroom, the kitchen, the family room, the living room, your shared bedroom, the kid’s bedrooms, the basement/garage?
Who will be in charge of the yard work, he, you, or both of you? Do you have a similar style of yard design that you prefer? What if one of you wants to hire a gardener or a housekeeper and the other one does not, how would you handle that situation?

How many cars do you currently or expect to own in the future? What kinds of cars do you wish to own? What price range are you willing/expecting to pay for those cars (including of insurance)?

Do you like most of his friends? If he has one or more friends that you don’t like, how do you deal with that situation?

Does he like most of your friends? If you have one or more friends that your potential husband doesn’t like, how would you handle that situation?

Are there any people on the friends list that either of you would consider to be “romantic threats” to your potential marriage?

Do you consider yourself to be liberal, libertarian, conservative or other? Does your potential husband fit into the same political category? If not, would both of you be OK agreeing to disagree on politics?
What would you do, if someone from your husband’s family, vehemently, disagreed with you on matters of politics?

Do you and your potential husband like to socialize regularly with his friends, your friends, or both of your friends, combined?

Do you and your potential husband like to spend a lot of time doing social activities with friends, or would you/he prefer to spend most of your free time alone together, without other people being around?

Does your potential husband enjoy watching sports (with or without you) and are you OK with that? Is the amount of sports that your potential husband watches going to interfere with your overall family life?

Do you have any hobbies or other activities (maybe you’re a quilter or you like to scrap book) that doesn’t appeal to your potential husband? How would you deal with that situation?

Are either you or your potential husband a neetnik or a slob? (You might have a problem if you have one of both).

How does your potential husband treat his female relatives?

How does your potential husband treat his male relatives?

How does your potential husband treat his male and female friends?

How does your potential husband treat service people?

Now, onto the business of sex. I am one of those people that believe that you should always take a bit of time, before you enter into any commitment (marriage or any other legal contract) that you should take your time and get know the people that you potentially marry into consideration, and that means hugging and kissing and actual sex. If you don’t know whether or not you are sexually compatible, then you are in for a world of hurt, after the fact, especially if you can’t imagine someone who has sexually abused you, or cheated on you (it’s super easy for men to cheat if their wives assume their husbands are faithful and Christian, because that’s the way they WANT it to be.) Some men, even Christian men, like things that you might consider to be kinky. Some men want lots and lots and lots of sex on demand. Some men are not very considerate of a woman’s needs, especially when it comes to foreplay and cuddling afterwards. Some men suffer from premature ejaculation, and they’re Ok with it, because they didn’t know that it was a problem for the woman. Some men, even Christians, like pornography, and may actually prefer pornography to actual sex with their wives.

Regarding sex, you should find someone who has the same sexual proclivities that you have, the same amount of energy that you have, and the same interests and desires that you have, anything less would be weird, and very unpleasant.

Do you know how to pleasure each other, sexually? If not, then you need to learn, before you get married. Some of that may be by trial and error, but a lot of that is going to be by book learning and by experimentation. If you are not sexually compatible, you are destined to an unhappy, sexually unsatisfactory life.

I appreciate that you consider yourselves to be good Christians, but what does that actually mean? I’m not a Christian, but yet I consider myself to be a good agnostic person, someone trying to figure it out, without knowing the exact answers, but always questioning and considering other answers and alternatives.

The more you know about people, especially those that you plan to marry, the better off you are going to be. Spend as much time as you can with them, that’s the only way you are going to get to know them or anyone, else. You don’t want to end up with someone, who seemed fine, when you didn’t know them very well, and then it turns out that instead of laughing like a normal person, they have a loud obnoxious laugh, or they bray like a donkey. Maybe they are chronic throat clearers. Maybe they ogle other women. Maybe they don’t have good table manners, especially in public. Maybe they have road rage, you wouldn’t know it, if you haven’t spent a lot of time together. Maybe they treat service people poorly. Maybe they refuse to go to a doctor when they are ill. Maybe they’re cheap. Maybe they’re undemonstrative, emotionally, this especially sucks if you are a woman who enjoys being treated tenderly with kisses and hugs and kind words. Maybe they’re chronically late. Maybe they don’t care to bathe as often as they should. Maybe they’re a complainer. Maybe they’re not as smart as you thought they were. Maybe they think you are stupid. Maybe they think it’s Ok to hit their wives. Even Christians do all of these things. These are just some of the things that you will figure out when you spend a great deal of time with someone, before you get married. I think people should date for several years, including having sexual relations, and then they should live together for several years before they get married. Marriage is not something to be entered into lightly, and it shouldn’t be entered into with the mentality of a giddy schoolgirl.

Stop assuming that if you have strong romantic feelings for another human being, that if you try to diminish those feelings that that you will be Ok. It could go either way. Right now the divorce rate is 50%, whether you are a Christian or not.

I think, that it is not likely that you will find a good/great/fantastic match unless you are compatible with that person, and to really know someone you need to be with them, numerous times and not just hope that the person is OK. Unfortunately good matches are hard find.

I believe that one should always get to know a potential partner from one end to the other before making the decision to marry them.

How to stop daydreaming? Make yourself useful. Stay busy.

I hope you don’t think that any of us are picking on you, we’re not. We have years and years of collective experience, and we don’t want you to have to go through some of the crap and horror that we’ve been through. We want your marriage, when you’re really ready for marriage, to be a good one, and a happy one.

Damn…

I told her being married would be fun.

I was correct in my assertion.

Thanks for all your advise.
@Kardamom can i just say that i could give you straight answers to all those questions already and i am 100% sure of that.
we have had a slight change of plan and i may be seeing him tonight so i cant wait. very excited.
thanks again for your help.

Thank you for the update. It’s good to hear that you two will see each other this evening.

Since you have decided to keep in-person meetings limited, how about suggesting that you all web-cam on a regular basis? My fiance and I do this as we live in different countries. When two people spend enough time seeing and talking to each other via the internet, they get to know each other well. It’s not ideal, but it can help bridge the gap.

As for the day-dreaming, that just comes with the territory of being in a new relationship, no matter what a person’s age is. With time and more interaction, this will eventually fade and either develop into less of a heart-fluttering crush to real love or you will discover that he is not all of the wonderful things you envisioned in the first place.

@Pied_Pfeffer Unfortunately the plans got changed and i didn’t see him last night however i am hoping i will be able to see him on Wednesday evening. I don’t have a webcam so that wouldn’t work but a good idea all the same.
Thanks for your interest