Is it possible to learn to be happy even when not everything in your life is OK?

I think the answer came to me by allowing situations to exist regardless of my attitude about them. It’s similar to accepting, but that requires work on my part. I have to do something to accept a given situation. When I allow something to exist just as it is, I release not only the situation but my need to have anything to do with the situation. I include my need to have an opinion about the situation in that “anything.”

Allowing is a release. I not only release the situation. I also release my need to spend time thinking about it and making decisions about it. I also release myself. It gives me a great deal of freedom.

Am I making sense?

Accepting implies that I dislike something, but I consciously change my attitude to let it be as it is. Allowing releases me from the need to like or dislike.

I might be conflating acceptance with tolerance here.

I still feel that allowing releases me and gives me ease.

What @Hawaii_Jake said hits the nail. A couple of years ago, I was working on a big research project in an airport terminal. It required me working there part-time. Everything else was perfectly fine except work. Working there drove me insane and I found myself stressing over nothing. I just learned to accept that whatever problems that were happening there… I had done my utmost best and that it was just counterproductive stressing over it. I decided to be happy knowing that I did whatever I could to help rectify the situation rather than let it consume me. I don’t know if I’m making sense but I learned so much from my time there. Hope it helps!

Well…I managed to be. I don’t know how or why. Maybe it’s just me. I have this wacky sense of humor that allowed me to find virtually any situation funny, sooner or later. I think that’s what got me through, sane and in one piece.

You could tell us stories about your job and put a spin on it so that it makes you laugh instead of cry in frustration.

I live with nerve damage which affects my ability to walk. I live with fibromyalgia, and my symptoms are severe, and ever present.
A few years ago, before anyone diagnosed my problems, I realized I was not just down, I was a downer.
I made it my goal to not let my pain and other troubles be a part of other people’s day.
At that point, I had neither laughed nor smiled in months. Strangers assumed I was mean, because of the expression pain kept on my face.
I remeber seeing somewhere ages ago that smiles are like mirrors, and if you want to see one, wear one.
It was forced at first. I smiled to neighbors, to strangers, to people waiting in line with me.
Children were the quickest to respond.
I also complimented people; you have beautiful children, your English is very good, you are the fastest cashier I’ve seen all week. Those things perk up others, and the lift would include me. Pretty soon it was coming easily. I no longer had to search for nice things to say.
Surrounding myself with other people’s cheer made my days bearable, sometimes cheerful.
I started laughing at comedy again. I was able to enjoy playing with my daughter better. The first time I got a loud belly laugh it startled my daughter, and me. It had been a long time.
So, this is what I do.
By the way, you have a nice rosey glow about you today. :-)

^^^^ That was great @Patty_Melt! Hats off to you.

If something is making me anxious or stressed, it is hard for me to let it go. I tend to need to mull it over a fair bit until I come up with a solution or a way of accepting it if I can’t change it. Then I can return to my normal (for recent) state of contentment and job. Another way of helping myself is to plan and anticipate some nice treats for myself – things like a hot bath and early bedtime with a book or an afternoon movie. Those or a walk will often help.

I think that it might have been Mark Twain – at least it should have been him, if it wasn’t – who noted that “comedy is just tragedy cut short”.

It’s a great observation. Every life ends in personal tragedy, of course (and, one kind of hopes, a sense of tragedy for one’s loved ones, if any – I certainly don’t want them feeling better once I’m gone, dammit!), so every good feeling, taken to its logical conclusion, is death.

Hmm. That’s not how I intended that to come out. Let’s try this again.

I don’t think that it is possible to “learn” to be happy, any more than it is possible to learn how to tell a joke. Lord knows, I’ve tried to tell jokes my whole life, and failed. Speaking of tragedy… But I think it might be possible to learn how to not be unhappy.

Ah, what the hell do I know.

@Hawaii_Jake‘s answer sounds good. Do that if you can.

It hardly matters in the end, because we’re all going to die anyway. How’s that for a happy thought? Don’t you dare smile at the thought of my demise.

Then of course, you can always go nuclear – a hot fudge sundae got me through some pretty rough times about 5 years ago!

@CWOTUS That’ll be the death of me.

You could also consider that, just like in stories that we like to read and movies we like to watch, “It will be fine in the end”, and if things are not fine now, then you know it’s not the end.

And if you know things, then you probably aren’t dead, either, and that could be good news. Well, not for anyone who’s planning to inherit from you, but for you, maybe. One hopes.

Eat, drink and be merry, because we’re not dead yet. It’s on the schedule for tomorrow, but maybe we can sleep through it.

@CWOTUS Why do I think you’re dreading a visit with the doctor?

@CWOTUS raises a valid question: can happiness be learned?

I don’t think happiness can be learned but I think contentment can be perhaps.

@janbb Perhaps our definition of happiness evolves?

I think everyone is different. (perhaps obvious) I’ve been told by someone close to me that I have a pretty “Pollyanna” attitude if I believe the things below, but honestly they don’t have to work for anyone else.

So, I have a couple tricks that work for me.

- The biggest is simply to remember that my situation is mostly my choice. I’ve chosen that job, or chosen to stay home with my children, or chosen to live where I do. So my role then becomes to make the life I’ve chosen one I’m happy with, or to change it. It’s simply not up to anyone else in any way. Not to judge it, not to change it, not to live it.

- For things I can’t choose (sickness, death, heartache, etc) I try to remember that every single person that’s ever lived has struggled with those things at some point. I don’t try to talk myself out of sadness or rest when I genuinely need it. You know yourself, I find giving yourself time when you need it makes it easier to distinguish when you don’t.

- For the things I do, I try to do the best I can in that moment as a matter of habit. I think too much, and always will. But if I always do my best I find it easier to not question myself later. So even if doing a good job on something takes me longer, or is more draining, it’s still better for me overall. It’s easier to fit in my life.

- I’ve got a little process that I’ve memorized for when I feel like something is starting to freak me out or take too much of my time and energy with worry. It’s pretty simple, but works

1) Accept – Acknowledge the thing / Accept the challenge in your life – (“I don’t like my job right now”, “I need to spend more time with friends”, ”<Friend> is sick”, etc.)
2) Smile, like an actual physical smile, fake it, whatever. For some reason it makes things clearer.
3) Grow – Address the thing when you can from the position of growing to meet it. I don’t think you actually need to try and turn everything into a growing experience, and some things just suck, but this tricks me into believing I can be better than I have so far and doing my best, instead of finding an easy way around the problem. It goes hand-in-hand with the smile and gets me around the cycles of wondering why things aren’t fair or why things happen and just leaves addressing the issue.
4) Peace – Be at peace with what you’ve done, let yourself be at peace, know it was your best at that moment, from a place that you were proud of. What you did two years ago or will do tomorrow don’t need to be compared to today.

Big picture, I’d say find your tricks. Try anything that resonates with you. I think happiness can be learned. While nothing can make every day a 10, I think attitude and tools turn days that are 4’s into 6’s.

@funkdaddy Well said as usual.

That’s what I was going to say, @funkdaddy, but I got distracted.

When I find something repetitive or boring or otherwise unengaging (which I’m not sure is the same as “driving me crazy,” but maybe there can be some cross over?) I often try to design some humor or levity that I can insert into the situation… Often in the form of personifying the various inanimate objects around me. I can’t quite call to mind an example right now…

Oh! Well, this probably doesn’t map very well to at-work issues, but, several weeks ago we were purging the backyard of the many weed-monuments that nature had erected without consulting us. We were focusing on the burrs, and letting the oxalis/sour grass alone for the time being… And so I started making a silly little narrative about the “war” we had going on with the weeds, and the difference “resistance” efforts they tried against us (to their own doom and peril!) ... Then we discovered that up in the hill, many burr plants were growing underneath a cover of oxalis, and so, naturally, the oxalis had betrayed us and were now in bed with the enemy, etc. etc. The narratives aren’t ever especially deep. Haphazardly dramatic tends to keep me entertained well enough, and gives me a way to release frustration into fictitious versions of the situation…

But, again, that’s usually for tasks that don’t usually require much thinking on my end to execute (“see weed, pull weed,” is the extent of thought above.)

For other situations, I like to seek out the people I know who I can vent to and when I walk away I’m feeling better. Some people I know, when I talk with them, we just wind ourselves up and get more invested in the negative emotions. Other people I know, when I talk to them, they want to push everything back on me (and usually heap a whole lot of “well just do this, duh” on top of everything)... And then there are the people who, somehow, when I talk to them, they seem to be able to siphon my frustration out of the air—like some carbon dioxide scrubber of negative emotions. I just hope I can do the same in return for them.

Sometimes, too, I try to put myself in the mindset I am in when I’m really tired but still on a run. I try to notice the heaviness of my legs or the speed of my heart rate or my need for large gulps of air, and tell myself that this is just an experience, like any other, and that I’d rather be moving than not. (That last part of the sentence can backfire, though, sometimes.) I try to shift my attention to my posture, to the engagement of my core, to the way my arms are placed and swinging, to the way my feet are meeting the ground, the bend and flex in my knees, the lift of my legs by my hamstrings and hip flexors, etc. I take note of landmarks in the near (or far) distance, and notice that when I get to that landmark, while I might still be tired, I’m not much more tired than I had been when I first spotted it, and that I can just keep doing that, and doing that, until I get to the end of this run. And then I get to cool down, stretch, and shower… I try to think in similar ways when I’m in other situations. Notice the parts that are uncomfortable or out of my control, and then shift my attention to the parts that are more comfortable or within more of my control. I try to notice my progress along the way—even if I can’t see the end, I can see that I’m making progress, step by step. I don’t know. It has mixed success. Sometimes I’m not in the mood… And maybe this is just my attempt to conceptualize trying to “accept” the situation.

None of this is in lieu of the advice above. I rather like the advice above.

Not to be confrontational, but exactly when is everything OK at the same time.
I have never experienced that convergence.

I don’t know how I missed @Patty_Melt‘s response above; I thought I was keeping up, but obviously not. I share that opinion, too, but minus the pain.

There’s nearly always something – something! – going on that’s uplifting, beautiful, pleasant, humorous, crazy-ironic or thought-provoking, or worthy of a joke. People often remark at my ability to make mostly-appropriate jokes at seemingly inappropriate times. They sometimes think that I’m not serious, when all I want to convey is that I’m not “only serious”. (I try not to be crass or vulgar, and to be respectful of others’ feelings when bad news is around, but there is always a joke somewhere to be found. The trick is to deflect people’s attention from “the bad thing that we’re talking about very seriously” for at least a while to get them out of “there’s only this bad thing that we’re talking about”.)

For me, happiness comes from acknowledging the reality of whatever situation I’m in: wet, cold feet; broken plumbing; dirty dishes in the sink; a dorg’s mess on the floor – whatever – finding the humor that’s around somewhere, and getting on with life. It’s not, as @Hawaii_Jake said, exactly “accepting”, but realizing, acknowledging, and then making the best of whatever is there.

The only thing that I can take from your description is that your current ordeal at the job is temporary. There are rough patches in virtually any line of work, but you must pay attention as well as look ahead. If the job driving you crazy appears to be drifting toward routine or you are unable to gauge the probable duration, upgrade your resume. One surprising conclusion I’ve reached in a lifetime of work is that there are actually good people as well as stellar organizations that will literally work you to death.

Thanks for the advice so far.

The work situation is not temporary. I am starting to seriously doubt my fitness for this field. But given that it’s the cushiest job known to man, I’d have to be stupid to change fields. It’s probably just a problem with me. I’m a diva or something. I don’t know. I’m so frustrated.

Also, yeah obviously I don’t need every little thing in my life to be perfect, but it’s 9 hours out of every day that I spend feeling like a fuckin idiot, which is getting hard to ignore. It’s starting to affect me outside of work. I come home and stew about how stupid I feel and I try to figure out what I can do to make it better.

Yes, if you can compartmentalize it is possible. It is also difficult.

@Mariah, two years ago my job almost brought me into a full blown emotional breakdown but we were dealing with some serious shit. Once I was at a point where I could hand it off I did and got the hell outta there. Nothing and I do mean nothing made me even slightly relaxed except for copious amounts of booze which I mostly stayed away from. I would still be dealing with it if I had not left. That said, I knew my trade very well but quiting meant taking an unfamiliar specialty. I’m about 18 months in and am finally becoming competent but going from being the main guy to a trainee again was quite hard to deal with but working conditions are better and I feel healthier. That’s the bottom line.

As for programming, it’s hard and it’s not mastered in four, five or even as much as ten years. The smartest person I have met was my C++ instructor. He basically told us on day one that if we wanted to be programmers it would take at least a decade to be competent.

I should say if you enjoy programming but feel a little incompetent at it then you are naturally unhappy but this is actually a sign you may have it right. If you were already competent then you have underestimated yourself and would become bored quickly. If you just take it in stride and learn what you can, whenever you can from whoever you can you’ll be on top of your game before you know it.

Feeling like a fucking idiot isn’t really a problem its a bit unpleasant but it gives you the incentive to learn more and to become better at what you do. Make it a positive not a negative.

Everyone keeps telling me it’s just my inexperience but that’s not it….at least I have a degree in this shit, there are people who came to this company after a few weeks or months of coding bootcamp and that’s the sum total of their experience and even they are coding circles around me.

None of my friends who graduated with me feel stupid at their jobs, either. And I don’t feel like I’m getting any better with time.

They just moved me to a new team that does entirely different stuff, so I feel like I’m back to square one, and that’s why my stress levels are currently through the roof.

And please don’t tell me that this isn’t a problem or that I’m not allowed to feel what I’m feeling….that’s the opposite of helpful. It is a problem for me because it’s affecting my mood, I am an anxious mess 24/7 and I’m terrified I’ll get fired as soon as someone notices how much I suck.

I’m trying to improve, I bought an online course in the programming framework we use and I’m going through it, it’s helping a tiny bit but not going to address the real problem, which is also why my degree didn’t prepare me for a job: I can write my own code from scratch no problem, but reading and understanding the code that other people have written over the last decade and adding to it is an entirely different beast.

What you feel is entirely valid. My son is brilliant and he is in CS but every time he reaches a new level or goes in a new direction, he suffers from doubt and anxiety. Things change so fast in CS that the learning curve is very steep and you have to be constantly learning new things. Give yourself some time to adjust to this new team and see if over time the stress declines. You were loving the job a little way ago so maybe you will again. And if you have a humane supervisor don’t be afraid to share some of your problems with him or her. If you can, give it six months and see if you get more comfortable. Most of all, don’t beat yourself up.

@Mariah, this is not that uncommon for demanding professions. If you really feel it’s not for you then start thinking about what would make you happy but I’m willing to wager that your learning style is just different. I felt incompetent for years but kept at it even when I thought I sucked at being an engineer. Then one day I woke up and found myself running rings around most of my coworkers. The only reasoning I had for this was I continued to learn even when it was not necessary. It’s about the area under the curve, not which path it takes.

@Mariah , You have a degree in math, which in some ways may get in the way of programming. That has been my experience. People without a math background have a tendency to write code in a somewhat disorganized fashion. It is also the case that code that has been modified a lot could be greatly simplified by refactoring. Wading through this type of code can be dispiriting.

? I have a degree in computer science. Math was my minor.

Thanks everybody.

That said, I’ve always been better at math than programming. I’m actually wondering if I ought to pivot into data science. I might look at doing a small online course to help me figure out if that would be a good move for me.

Hm. If happiness can’t be learned, can sadness and depression be learned?

You would probably make a good actuary

@Mariah But could you earn a comparable living?

I would never say that your feelings are invalid, but on the other hand, you may have no idea what your former classmates actually feel. Yes, they may tell you that they’re doing great, that everything’s copacetic, the job is dandy and everything is perfect. But that’s all that you know: what you hear. The others just may not be as honest as you are.

True dat ^^^

I hear you, but I’m referring to some of my really good friends and my boyfriend here. I think I have a pretty good grasp of how they’re really feeling, we talk often about our lives and what all is going on. My one friend is teaching others at her work how to program, and my other friend was actually just relishing the other day in the firing of his coworker for underperformance; my friend was happy to be rid of the “useless” guy, meanwhile I’m over here worrying that’s going to be me one of these days.

Data science pays well too, yeah. I don’t need to earn the same salary I have now, either. I currently earn more than I need. Most important to me is job security. Just can’t be without health insurance. That’s a big reason why I went into CS in the first place even though it wasn’t my passion. I think data science would provide good job security too, but I could always then fall back on CS again if I had trouble getting a data science job for some reason.

But this is all speculation….I’m thinking of doing some online courses and then deciding whether it feels like a good change. Definitely not ready to make a switch tomorrow or anything.

@Mariah – I keep coming in here and typing something, then erasing it. I don’t want you to think I’m minimizing the stress of feeling like you do and I’m not sure how to convey that beyond just saying it.

I do think it’s worthwhile to say that I think most people feel the same at some point. I feel that way every time I start working with a new technology and a new group. Which with some projects is every couple of months.

It just seems like everyone else has better tools, more familiarity, a better grasp of the processes used, and more knowledge both in terms of syntax recall and concepts specific to the technologies used. It makes me feel like a fraud for coming in and charging fair rates when I’m not the expert on a team.

Imposter syndrome is the real deal. You’re not an idiot.

Some specific tips for programming that help me, and might help you?

- If I’m lost in a new library or framework, I try to move one level up and learn that thing first. A lot of times this brings to light why the framework does things like they do. I don’t know what you guys are using, but some low-level examples might be making sure you know CSS before jumping in SASS or LESS, making sure your javascript is solid before getting in Node or even jQuery. Stuff like that really helps.
– Ask the gurus on your team for one reference in their specialty. Whether it’s a book, a website, a person in the field, or a tutorial. Just one, so you can actually dive right in.
– I’m always a little embarrassed to have to look up simple syntax in front of people. I jump around a lot and forget simple things like formatting on case statements between languages. So I just keep one tab dedicated (either in the editor or browser) to syntax, it makes things easier and quicker if it’s just a regular thing.
– Same with Stack Overflow and sites like it. Everyone does it, everyone has a horror story. My rule is… Read it, understand it, just don’t copy and paste it.
– I try to remember that 70% of people just care if something works. The other 30% will usually care more about things like proper documentation/comments and consistency than they will about the perfect amount of abstraction or ideal object organization under the latest design pattern. Good comments and consistency are things you can do and they’ll help both your coworkers and you more than even perfect coding.
– The biggest tip I have is to build something fun with new tools and the same stack you use at work. It’s so much less stressful to build something on your free time and every single problem solved takes away one you’ll see someday at work. When it stops being fun, get away from it.

That’s not to say don’t explore fields that feel like a better fit. It’s just to say that most people, if not all, have that feeling of being a fraud at some point. I think the difference experience brings isn’t that it reduces that stress, it just makes it a familiar part of the learning process.