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v1kt07's avatar

My marriage is over...

Asked by v1kt07 (145 points ) August 10th, 2007 from iPhone

well, after being separated for 1 month, my wife has decided to leave me...it seems nothing I can do or say can change it. She doesn't love me anymore. After 9 years, how on earth do I meet women?? I'm in great shape, and very successful web developer...and if I do meet someone, what's acceptable or expected on first date? Ladies? Thanks!

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17 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

Don't think about dating or meeting women for 6 months. You need to heal, rebuild, think about you, your feelings and priorities. Do a great deal of introspection, w. friends, family or a pro. Stay in good shape, work on your work; forget about first date etiquette. Take up some hobbies where you meet new people; cooking classes, teaching people how to read, big brother, whatever suits your fancy. So sorry that marriage is over.Always an excrutiating experience. You are young; the pain will dull and then become useful to your development, altho I am sure that you find that hard to believe after one month.

apb3's avatar

yeah. What they said.

I'm not a female but have gone through this. Granted, my profession (mil) put a lot of stress on our relationship, but I still felt betrayed. I thought I did everthing I could and everthing she wanted. Took a loooong time tojustget past feeling that way - or guilty or angry or so angry and sad that I turned into a mean, overly-critical, cynical ass. Ok, I am still cynical but do try to avoid letting it change youfor the worse. I wish I had that advice. Woulda saved me a few friends and been a lot fairer tothose serving with me and directly under me. Surprisingly it took a young specialist fresh out of boot camp to show me my mistakes and if she hadn't I would have probably been in pretty bad shape today.

Hopefully you'll get some sage advice of that sort here.

mzgator's avatar

I went through the same thing when I was married for almost 10 years. All of the sudden my husband decided he did not love me anymore and wanted out. We separated, and I was devastated as I never saw this coming. Fortunately we decided to give it another try and are about to celebrate our 14th anniversary on the 20th. He just went through a time of wondering if he wanted to be free and start a new life and decided that out life together was better than what he could find apart. I was not ready to quit. We made it through this tough time and it made us stronger. Maybe there is still a chance for you. If not, take some time out for you. Do whatever you have always wanted to do. There is no time table as to when you will heal or be over your wife, as she will always be part of you but you will find someone when it is the right time. Good luck!

hearkat's avatar

I agree that you need to take some time to reflect on what has happened. Your question says you've only been separated for a month, yet it sounds as if you are unaffected. Just a week ago you said you love her more than ever and would do anything to correct the mistakes you made, now you want dating advice? It makes me wonder what your motivation is to start dating already. If you simply want to do of to prove to yourself or your estranged wife that you are still desireable, it's really not fair to the women you'd be dating.

Do yourself a favor. Stop. Breathe. You made some big decisions and commitments at a very young age by getting married at 18 and joining the Marines. You are no longer that kid... you have since been through experiences that can change a person. So who are you NOW? What is important to you, and what are your goals in life? Please note that I am not asking what your family, friends, or society think. This is one time in life that it's all about you.

I also highly recommend that you pursue activities that interest you. Do the things you may have put on the shelf for one reason or another. In these endeavours, you will meet people with whom you share common interests, which could lead to friendships and expand your social circle, and eventually, something will develop naturally.

extolsmith's avatar

Steady diet of college girls for 6-8 months.

xgunther's avatar

Usually the first person you date after a loooooong relationship is a "rebound" girl/guy. Conscious, or not, we naturally want to get back on the "love wagon" (?? LOL) whether it be motivated by jealousy, or fueled by mixed emotions from the previous relationship.

My advice: wait 6 months like stated above to clear your mind, this way, you won't rush into anything blindly.

glial's avatar

I agree on waiting. My wife and I split up for a little over a year. The girl I dated in that time turned out to be a complete loser and psycho and has now cost me over $8000, slashed my tires, claimed to be pregnant, and gotten me sued (I won the case, as of Friday (relief). My wife and I are now back together and doing great.

Sometimes people just need a break. The moral of my story is, don't be so quick to replace her, as I was. Again, take some time.

skfinkel's avatar

I also thought your response to begin dating was pretty quick. One month is nothing, really, to be separated. I assume you don't have children--for if you did, I would definitely recommend trying very hard to work things out before you make a permanent separation. But if it's just the two of you, and you are already thinking about dating, maybe you haven't been in that marriage for longer than the obvious month you've been apart.

nerfmissile's avatar

Everything is a learning opportunity. Regardless of whether this was pre-ordained as fate, it has happened—and so, it was meant to happen. Life goes on. Rather than being confused, you must be mindful and learn from the experience of your relationship. What did it teach you about human nature? About yourself? About gender roles? How did it make you feel?

Six months may be a good rule of thumb… but it’s not just a passive waiting period. During the time you take to consider the lessons taught by this last relationship, you can better determine what you’re looking for in your next.

Women initiate most separations and divorces, statistically speaking. Their reasoning varies, but top-cited reasons are boredom, apathy and lack of communication. Seeing as it’s the 21st century, opportunities for learning and not being boring abound… and the “dumb hunter” mystique of prior centuries seems about as limited in appeal as today’s Bridezilla.

This is a one-step solution:

1) Find your passion, let it ignite you and become interesting. Do it for yourself, for the world… redeem your carbon.

That way, you’ll be too busy and engrossed to care if no one notices that you’ve become interesting. Then it will be your choice to let the applications pile up at the door or continue working on your life’s passion.

artemisdivine's avatar

wow doing research on this showed me it is quite common. first, i am sorry this happened to you. myself (although i am a girl) i would NOT rush into anything at all! i would deal with the entire divorce thing but i would for sure take at least a 3 month break to discover yourself again, get settled all that. you are going to be awash with feelings etc. people do not HAVE to be coupled up. trust me you won’t die, its the marketing folks who try and convince you that you will.

you might have friends who want to set you up etc. there are tons of group type places to meet people. even facebook and myspace works (if they live in the place you do)

* READ THIS ONE FOR SURE *
Protect Yourself If You’re Facing Divorce
http://www.dadsdivorce.com/news/newsdet.php/39009.html

How to get over being dumped
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/dumped.htm

Dealing with Depression from Divorce
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3578641&content_id={A1BDDAEB-96F0–4B6F-A574–80635093D0D3}&notoc=1

You did not mention kids but if there are any
http://www.fathers4kids.com/html/Home.htm
http://www.dadsdivorce.com/search/sessearch.php?search=divorce

always the mighty megafilter…
My wife doesn’t love me.
http://ask.metafilter.com/62247/My-wife-doesnt-love-me
http://ask.metafilter.com/33423/How-to-tell-my-wife-I-love-her-please-dont-leave-me-etc

Break Up and Divorce – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?
http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/break-up-and-divorce/break-up-and-divorce-should-you-condemn-yourself-to-a-bad-relationship-for-life-because-of-religion-and-guilt/

Please Help, My Wife Wants To Leave Me
http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-23414.0.html

On Oct. 17th, my wife and I will be celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary. But when I think about that upcoming day I can only cry because she has recently told me that she doesn’t love me anymore and wants a divorce. I was totally shocked and broad sided with the news and now I don’t know what to do.
http://en.allexperts.com/q/Questions-Marriage-Husband-864/wife-doesn-t-love.htm

Help – My Story as my wife wants to leave….
http://www.ojar.com/view_26128.htm

My wife want to leave me now!?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080203103044AATRHWy

What could be the reason for your wife leaving a good marriage without giving any reason other than her feelings have changed and she cannot explain why that has happened?
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_could_be_the_reason_for_your_wife_leaving_a_good_marriage_without_giving_any_reason_other_than_her_feelings_have_changed_and_she_cannot_explain_why_that_has_happened

My wife and I have been married for just under five years. All of a suddun she says she leaving me
http://www.babycrowd.com/forums/divorced_family/My_wife_says_she_does_not_love_me_anymore/

Wife Just Left Me- How can I stop the divorce?
http://www.ojar.com/view_18486.htm

My wife has just left me. Please help! (thirteen pages of comments)
http://www.2-in-2–1.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=3820

My Wife Has Left Me
http://www.queendom.com/advices/advice.htm?advice=86

My Wife Left me : because I’ve been too Controlling
http://marriagepartner.com/talk/messages/9/85.html

Riser's avatar

Artemis: You deserve twenty more answer points for your research.

lindabrowne1's avatar

How about seven-year marital contracts? You can start, in year six, to truly access the marriage and then re-contract if you both so desire. It’s an good concept—but honestly, marriage is a commitment. If you go with your feelings, they change. A commitment is something you do regardless of how the wind of day to day goes. Hang in there—marriage has ebbs and flows. When you reconnect, it is often magical.

baseballnut's avatar

I agree with everyone who says that it takes awhile to feel good enough to date and begin healthy relationships.

However – the best thing I ever did following a break-up was a crazy weekend in Las Vegas with my girlfriends. Sometimes brief (REALLY brief) encounters work wonders for making you feel alive again! Maybe not for everyone but it got me smiling again. (just protect yourself and your partner…partners)

Hang in there – it takes as long as it takes to feel better.

WhoCares's avatar

Unfortunately you seem to be an all round good guy. Since you are asking what is expected and acceptable on a date and you are asking ladies to tell you? You appear needy and clingy. That is a big no no if you want to attract the ladies. So I would suggest a self help study such as by David ‘d Angelo.

lovelace's avatar

pray about it and you’ll be led to the right person or at least an acceptable person for the moment. i think you should have a fun date and expect no commitments, just enjoyable moments. you don’t need someone who wants to exchange sob stories or who needs too much because you’re broken and you can’t and shouldn’t be forced to give that right now. Have fun and enjoy dating. It’s a great thing. Set some standards and if she doesn’t meet them, don’t waste your time.

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