General Question

mjoyce's avatar

Why do many women go crazy for like %5 of their life. Why do men put up with it?

Asked by mjoyce (503 points ) October 29th, 2008

It seems that many women have a tendency to go into irrational tantrums and take it out on their men? As an example: picking fights, personal attacks for no good reason.

Sure, there are always apologies later, and explanations, and excuses about stressful workload, PMS, or whatever.

Why do some people (women?) have a tendency to do this? Are me and my friends picking the wrong ones? If so what are some red-flags to avoid?

Why does it seem that many men are willing to put up with this sort of abuse? Sure, sex is good – but is it worth it at this kind of cost?

Is there an easy way to ‘rationalize’ with someone in an emotional episode, or to explain to them later how inappropriate they were acting?

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56 Answers

poofandmook's avatar

[groan] this does not bode well… [takes cover]

lapilofu's avatar

[citation needed]

deaddolly's avatar

The men drive them insane….only 5% of the time is nothing.
Be glad you don’t get chopped up into little pieces.

deaddolly's avatar

I sense a storm brewing….go get him, Ladies.

EmpressPixie's avatar

This question is: sexist, misogynistic, based in statements that you have not (and cannot) back up with facts.

Accordingly, I will answer it in a similar way:
You see, because a long time ago an evil man stole the rainbow glitter supply from the land of XX, we are now forced to operate at a rainbow glitter deficiency. 5% of all of our rainbow glitter must be donated so that it can grow the glitter crystals and eventually re-stock XX with enough rainbow glitter for all.

nocountry2's avatar

“The Female Brain”, by Louan Brizendine, M.D. Read it.

melly6708's avatar

men drive us crazy….. therefore we go crazy :]

mjoyce's avatar

Alright let me try to rephrase this to salvage and hopefully get some useful information from the collective:

1. I am not misognystic, nor sexist. PLEASE read this question in the spirit in which it was intended. I love you all, really.

2. I have no facts, only personal observation – why would I bother asking the collective if I had facts, citations, studies, etc.

3. I am not intending to come across as judgmental, one sided, nor a douchebag. I’m sorry that it came across that way.

What I was really hoping for here was an insightful response from the women (and men) on the site into the situations I have observed. Is it just that women express frustration in a way that is different (and therefor unacceptable to men) and vise versa?

EmpressPixie's avatar

Now as a serious question, here’s the deal: women and men have different chemical makeups in their brains. Plus men and women are raised differently with different expectations. With a difference in nature and in nurture, men and women are simply different.

However to assume that men do not do the same thing at times is naive. All people act irrationally at times. The method of the irrational action—be it emotional outlash, physical outlash, or something else entirely—may differ, but people are only human, they can only take so much, and when they reach their limits they act out.

Another assumption in your question is that the women are the cause of this behavior. Perhaps it is not the women you choose, but how you treat them? Perhaps you only notice the behavior in the women, but not the men? This question (your behavior) has already caused me to lash out because I found it incredibly offensive. I’m a very normal, nice, not overly emotional person yet there I was, responding to you in kind.

In the end, though, the choice of who you socialize with is yours and yours alone. If you don’t like someone’s behavior: tell them. If they continue and you find it truly distasteful, no long associate with them. It’s that easy.

EmpressPixie's avatar

Now you’re talking: women tend to be emotional and express negatively through emotional attacks. Men through physical. Um. In middle school. We’re supposed to grow and mesh these behaviors into something socially acceptable. But for women, being overly emotional is acceptable, whereas punching someone is not. For men, crying is not, but a punch is.

Edited to add: I’m oversimplifying horribly, but that’s kind of the bottom line. It comes down to how society tells us we can show these emotions. Hysterical, emotional women as an idea and stereotype are completely part of our culture, so that’s how women can emote most easily. Strong, buff men who get into fights over things that might cause women to cry are another strong cultural thing for us. When we’re upset, we have ways of showing it that society says are acceptable and most people use those routes.

deaddolly's avatar

It’s all in the way you treat ppl. Assertive women are classfied as bitches; while men are applauded for their bravado.

No matter what you claim to be; your question was rude and sexist.
I’m thinking you need to grow up quite a bit in order to even begin to understand females.

mjoyce's avatar

@empresspixie thanks for your response. It is not my presumption that women are the exclusive actors here, not AT ALL. Let me say that again – I AM NOT BLAMING WOMEN FOR ANYTHING.

Again, insight into the situations I observe is what I am looking for here. Not a troll-war!

@empresspixie_second_response I have never punched a woman or have been otherwise physical.

deaddolly's avatar

a troll-war? omg. That’s all I can say; I’d be the next person kicked off of here if I expressed what I was really thinking.

lapilofu's avatar

“I have no facts, only personal observation – why would I bother asking the collective if I had facts, citations, studies, etc.”

Ah, but you didn’t ask the collective “Are women crazy 5% of the time?” which would have been different and somewhat more understandable—if a little absurd. Your question contains that answer and treats it as fact. It would be similar to me asking “Why do republicans eat so many kittens for breakfast?” yet having no facts to back up such a statement. What? Everyone knows republicans eat kittens for breakfast, don’t they?

mjoyce's avatar

I propose we turn this thread into a “Who would win in a fight, a squirrel or a shark” :(

susanc's avatar

The best part of your question (to me) was the part where you ask what to do about it.

Make no attempt to “rationalize” with this woman. She’s not rational right now.
She’s been pushed, by life, beyond that. What you can do that she can tolerate is be focused on
her, be quiet, be kind. Think about how you would get very quiet with wild animals or very young children. This is a person who’s out of control. She’s not doing this on purpose. She’s bewildered by it and doesn’t know what to do about it. So don’t try to make her deal. She can’t. If she’ll let you get close enough, hold her hand or put an arm around her. If she can’t let you, sit quietly and let her tell you all the Stuff. Later she’ll tell you some of it was wrong. But you already know this. Just listen carefully but say as little as you can. Make it as clear as you can that you’re not judging. And don’t. You and she can talk it through later. If you’re decent and non-argumentative right now, it’ll make it much more possible for her to reflect.

EmpressPixie's avatar

@mjoyce: I didn’t mean that you’d punched a woman. I was simply pointing out that men tend to be more physical, women more emotional in their upset. It’s worst in middle school when rumors are AWFUL for girls and boys tend to get into a lot of fights. We are supposed to reign this behavior in as we age and create a more acceptable, mature persona. Some do, some don’t.

mjoyce's avatar

@susanc THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for taking my question seriously. Your answer was exactly the sort of thing I was HOPING to get out of asking this.

I think your advice works in both ways, men or women. When I am frustrated or upset that is the sort of thing I would want.

EmpressPixie's avatar

Other note: When I say men are physically aggressive, though I keep using “punch” as the example, it should also include aggressive shouting and other physical forms of aggression.

autumn43's avatar

I saw this question and thought what a total as[CENSORED} and thought that if you needed to ask it – there had to be a whole better way to word it. You are probably a reasonably intelligent person….but you came across like you were a shi[CENSORED].

nikipedia's avatar

I mean, can we start by defining “crazy”? For instance, antisocial personality disorder is more prevalent in men; borderline personality disorder is more prevalent in women; schizophrenia presents equally in both….

flameboi's avatar

We (men) are the cause, I still wonder how a wonderful women can even fall in love an individual full of flaws, and incomplete parts like men, we must admit that we are not exactly a gift from heaven, if we were toys, for every good feature a guys has, a girl has like 1000, we must be thankful that despite that, women can still fall in love with us… and of course Niki has the scientific answer…

krose1223's avatar

“Behind every crazy b!tch is a man who made her that way.”

Knotmyday's avatar

Somewhere, somehow, there is a woman willing to forgive you for asking this stupid question.

And she’s crazy.

krose1223's avatar

More serious answer:
As far as the irrational tantrum part goes, I think everyone does that with their significant other. When you become comfortable with a person you know that they are going to love you no matter what. If I’m being a grump I expect my boyfriend to know I have bad days and to love me through it. As much as I hate to admit it I think I also take a lot of things out on him that he doesnt’ deserve. Luckily he recognizes this and reminds me when I do it. I think I’ve gotten better about it with the help of his patience. It’s just part of being in a relationship. You have to find that balance. My relationship works because I have the most patient SO in the world! He appreciates all the good qualities in me so when the bad ones do come out he sees past them.

augustlan's avatar

Though I don’t like the way your question was worded, I will try to give you some insight. 1) Women are (in general) more emotional than men. This should be factored in when you decide how to behave or react. 2) Some women have serious issues…they can be high maintenance drama-queens. 3) Most of us are NOT like that. In conclusion, you are either A) Over-reacting to normal emotional crap or B) Actually causing some of this behavior or C) Choosing women who actually are a little crazy. Give it some thought.

wildflower's avatar

Your first paragraph in the details answers your question:
“It seems that many women have a tendency to go into irrational tantrums and take it out on their men? As an example: picking fights, personal attacks for no good reason”

In two lines of text you invalidated and dismissed these women’s emotions, reactions and points of view – how would you respond to someone consistently telling you your behavior and feelings were irrational and unfounded?

tonedef's avatar

@empresspixie, I’d take claims that men and women’s brains have “different chemical makeups” that somehow account for emotional or irrational behavior. For most of history, women were not emotional and irrational, but quiet and diligent workers, while men did crazy shit like snatch Percy Shelley’s heart out of his burning corpse on a funeral pyre, or have orgiastic, sloppy Symposia. During these times, the women were just seeing how tight they could get their corsets, or walking around with amphoras full of water.

EmpressPixie's avatar

@tonedef: Women were doing a lot of strange stuff while they were also seeing how tight they could get their corsets. Face it: the Victorians were weird. But I don’t mean that if you open my brain vs. Joe Schmo’s brain, you’re going to find chemical X in mine and chemical Z in theirs. I mean we have different hormone levels and different brain development. And yes, there are gender based differences in brain development. And because our brains develop differently, how we learn to react to something is going to be different.

Now the social example I was giving—that girls are more emotional, men more physical—isn’t related to chemicals or hormones (that I know of, in the study they only observed the behaviors, they weren’t to the point of attributing them to anything) and honestly it seems more learned than anything. But even a learned behavior traces back to gender based differences in brain development because men and women, boys and girls, have learning differences based on these. Or it may very well be higher levels of testosterone in men, estrogen in women. Like I said, I don’t know.

EmpressPixie's avatar

My shorter point would be that development and learned behaviors are so closely entwined that I would be afraid to try and separate them. Thus the lengthy nature vs. nurture debate. But certainly both nature and nurture contribute to the person as a whole.

jessturtle23's avatar

You sound pretty young so maybe it is because you are still dating girls going through puberty and teenage hormones. I know I was a little wacky when I was going through puberty.

scamp's avatar

@mjoyce I hope kevbo sees this question, because he can suggest a book which should help you. At 25, it’s difficult to understand the opposite sex no matter what your gender. It will get better, you’ll see. Just be patient.

tinyfaery's avatar

Only 5%? Shit, I’m crazy pretty much all the time. But I am not irrational and I do not throw temper tantrums. My wife gets so annoyed when we are having a disagreement and I remain reasonable and rational. She asks me why I don’t get emotional.

Nimis's avatar

In one fell swoop, you’ve managed to offend more than half a dozen female Flutherers.
My guess is that you are not so good at this talking to females thing.
Whether said female is crazy or not, you’re not very much helping.

nikipedia's avatar

Okay, okay, I think he has learned his lesson…

Does anyone want to try re-asking this in a different way? I think there is an important question buried in here….

Nimis's avatar

What can men do to reconcile the possible differences between genders?
How can I change my general bewilderment into something productive?
Too broad?

nikipedia's avatar

I was thinking something along the lines of…

Are there gender differences in mental illnesses? If so, why? What behaviors are specific to men/women that cause conflict with the other gender? How do hormones influence our behavior?

Any of those.

Nimis's avatar

Your questions are more (personally) interesting.

Though if I had to accurately translate this question,
I’d scratch my previous answer.

More accurately, I think it should read:
I (in this case, representing Men) don’t understand women.
Then why are we drawn to them?
Are we picking the wrong women?
Are there women out there who are better equipped to emotionally communicate with men?
If so, how to distinguish between them?
Should I (we) even bother to try to bridge these gender differences?

poofandmook's avatar

I would be interested to know what the gender dynamic is behind the 10 GAs to deaddolly’s first response, and the 15 GAs that went to EmpressPixie’s first response; deaddolly’s seems to confirm, if not emphasize the point, and EP’s rips it to shreds. Very interesting.

Nimis's avatar

I GAed both of them.

augustlan's avatar

So did I. I thought they were both quite funny.

fireside's avatar

oh, they were being funny? i was running out to buy rainbow glitter so i didn’t get chopped into pieces

I think this thread has been a good example of the question. What I’ve gotten from it is, when men push women’s buttons, the women will go crazy for a bit and then they will calm down and talk to him, as long as he sticks around long enough for them to calm down.

augustlan's avatar

@fireside: Pretty insightful, you.

fireside's avatar

guess that’s why i’m single. only recently decided it was worth it to stick around

Nimis's avatar

Also an optimist apparently. Wait…that sounds bad.
I meant optimistic that if he sticks around long enough they’ll calm down.

I’m not disagreeing with your statement per se.
I’m just feeling bitter about one particular female with a serious case of the crazies.

fireside's avatar

lol, i hear you on that one, Nim

galileogirl's avatar

I thought I was in the wrong place. I haven’t seen a really stupid stereotype in almost 48 hours.

EmpressPixie's avatar

@poof: I don’t know, but I got almost as many GAs for basically the same response to the next question which was the same but aimed at men (more or less). I would be very interested in the gender demographics for both. Also, holy hannah, I’ve never gotten so many GA’s before!!

MissAnthrope's avatar

This question, quite honestly, really pisses me off. The first thing I thought was, “Oooohhh really? Funny, I wonder why women keep putting up with men.”

As has been mentioned, women and men are very different when it comes to brain makeup and chemistry. A bit of craziness is a small price to pay for a creature so beautiful and awesome. I mean, emotional and social intelligence, deep wells of empathy and caring, etc. Men may not be “crazy” but they definitely come with their own list of problems that women “put up with”.

I am, in this moment, very glad to be a lesbian.

And EmpressPixie, the glitter post was freaking brilliant.. I wish I had more lurve to give.

Siren's avatar

I would like to hold up a white flag for both sexes and offer my opinion for myjoyce’s question:

I think that the 5% of the time is pretty good, statistically-speaking LOL Anyways, perhaps (if I may speak for my gender) in GENERAL, women tend to not act as aggressively as men do, so when/if we do, it is more pronounced and freaks everyone out? Perhaps some of the womenfolk you know hang onto their anger/resentment/suppression/irriration until it boils up inside. When it reaches that point, it’s either meltdown or tirade.

Red-flags (for either sex): too easy-going (you know that’s not going to last the longer you’re with someone), too easy to please, happy-happy, joy-joy all the time. Watch out for the extremes in behavior – it usually whiplashes in the other direction like a taut cord. We’re talking balance in behavior – we all have good or bad days. Those who don’t may be on medication (or need to be).

I agree with Susanc on her response to talking with someone exhibiting that behavior.

I also agree that after the episode is over, maybe a day or two later (not long enough for that person to get amnesia about their behavior) have another sit-down and explain what disturbed you on a personal level and how you can both deal with stress together. Don’t put the person on the defensive, just talk rationally about what’s healthy for both of you. Perhaps do a “post-mortem” on the situation. If she won’t talk about it, at least you tried, right? Then the next time it happens, she can’t say it wasn’t discussed, and you can decide if you want to continue putting up with the tirade or move on.

I don’t think your question was sexist. But I do think it can apply to both sexes actually. Depends on the person.

Fallenangel's avatar

So i didnt read everyones thing here but im with ya man.

Ive been hit, kicked, had hair pulled, publicly humiliated, and all sorts of other crap by all of my girlfriends, for no reason.

recent story. My ex comes over outta no where and is having really bad day. we cuddle and i try to make her feel better, then she randomly goes off on me for the way i talk. ( i call EVERYONE “sweet heart” and “hun”) Im dumbstruck, 2 years and she never cared. yet now shes throwing a fit. so i walked away. She followed me and smacked hit and clawed me for a while, then told me to fight her. I stood up and got kneed in the crotch.

tell me, WTF did i do to deserve that. Seriously, is she just crazy, or did i miss something?

come on ladies, play ball…

galileogirl's avatar

FallenA if ALL your girlfriends beat the crap out of you, YOU must be doing something wrong. We women are seldom unanimous about anything. Maybe it isn’t about how you talk that gets on their nerves but how you write. Or maybe you should stap dating the women of the WWF.

MissAnthrope's avatar

^^^^^ Word.

If you’re attracting or dating abusive women, it’s less about them and more about why you keep choosing to be abused. There are plenty of abusive men out there, too, and I would say the same to a woman who continually gets involved with those kinds of men.

Fallenangel's avatar

normally theyre sweet and really nice when we start dating… but about 3 weeks in or so they all started to hit me. who knows… they are all legit crazy though. they all spent time in a mental hospital…..

MissAnthrope's avatar

Well, some people are like that.. I dated one, myself.. it was all wine and roses until I moved across the country to live with her, and then it was all downhill from there. It sounds like you’re understanding, and honestly, not all people who have spent time in mental hospitals are abusive (myself, for one). I personally would kick that kind of crazy to the curb once it started to show itself.

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