What do you think people mean when they talk about personal boundaries?

I have a friend who had a big problem with encroaching on boundaries. She used to “poke” my boyfriend on facebook, whom she had never met or spoken to. She contacted someone else I was casually dating through another social networking site—again, without having ever met or spoken to him.

I would define boundaries (in this context) as: the line between appropriate and inappropriate behavior as it pertains to your relationship with another person. Some behaviors are appropriate for one person (e.g., a parent reprimanding you for showing too much cleavage) that would be wildly inappropriate for another person (a stranger on the street delivering the same reprimand).

They’re good for keeping people comfortable. I wouldn’t say it’s unilaterally bad when they’re breached, but most of the time, it’s probably more bad than good. I guess I would say for all the rest of your questions, those would have to be answered on a case-by-case basis.

I agree with nikipedia on the definition of personal boundaries. Another example is that of topics which people do not discuss because it would make someone else feel uncomfortable or angry – such as, my fiancee does not like if I talk about one particular ex of mine. Just hearing his name from any person (even if not talking directly about him) makes my fiancee angry – which is difficult since my ex has the same name as one of my brothers. I understand this, as my fiancee simply is angered by the way this man treated me and things which he did, so I make every attempt to not refer to this ex. Also, find friends cross my personal boundary when they talk about bad decisions I have made in the past or things that I have told them in confidence in front of others.

I define boundaries as a set of rules that a person uses in their interactions with others. Boundaries can be physical: I don’t like people standing within 3ft if me; I don’t want anybody touching my face, etc. Boundaries can also refer to how you expect people treat you. Example: I refuse to communicate with people who yell at me, and as such, when people yell at me I give them no response, thus teaching others what I will not tolerate.

Murky waters, indeed. The ambiguity comes from this inherent tension: we all instinctively need to feel that we direct our own lives, which requires that the individual have exclusive control over certain aspects of his physical, mental and emotional world; but at the same time, we barter away that exclusivity all the time by forging social, familial and interpersonal relationships, essentially ceding a measure of control over our own lives to others.

Those agreements are often tacit and ill-defined, leaving a lot to interpretation. What we call “personal boundaries” amounts to the highly subjective interpretation of how much control each person is willing to cede in each of those relationships.

When a couple marries, for instance, each understands that this constitutes an agreement that will encroach on individual control of physical space, use of time and, of course, the TV remote. But there will likely be some difference in how each will define the extent of that compromise, and that will lead to conflict.

By way of example, at the time I was married, neither of us practiced any form of religion, but I started my Zen practice some 6 years later. Obviously, we had never given any thought to how this kind of personal decision would fit in with our sense of shared destiny. This decision on my part had repercussions on our lifestyle, but it was also something that I perceived as belonging to my control prerogative, so it became a matter of negotiating exactly where that boundary between personal and shared interest lay. To this day, 20 years later, we’re still tweaking that line.

I have had my “personal boundaries” encroached apon once or twice, so feel I can contribute to its definition.

I believe the term refers to when someone, either colleague or friend usually, says or does something to you knowing that they would offend you. In other words, personal boundaries are real, are something you have (or should have) clearly defined to friends and colleagues. Not family of course: They never respect our boundaries and have rights by birth to stomp all over them – or think they do.

A personal boundary is a vague term because it can literally mean anything. It is indeed an invisible line which the perpetrator can clearly see, and decides to venture forward subconsciously or consciously to see your reaction or to test the friendship (stupid). In other words, the boundary is for others and usually has been defined to them via conversations of what you prefer and don’t prefer, are comfortable with, don’t like, detest and probably also what would upset you. It is meaningful in a work environment too because “personal space” is so limited and people literally try to give each other space, mentally and physcially.

In other words, people who cross someone else’s personal boundaries are literally disrespecting you and hold their breath to see what you will do to their friendship. Sometimes if it’s an “acquaintance at work” they may cross personal boundaries as well because they lack social skills and become intrusive into other colleagues’ lives.

Here are some examples: A friend knows something irritates you and keeps doing it, to see if you’ll put up with him/her despite their deliberate intentions – they are usually testing the friendship. A colleague at work keeps calling you at home to discuss work-related issues although you have made it clear to him/her you do not take your work home.

Usually when personal boundaries are crossed once, it is forgiven. When it is repeated over and over again, the intention is made obvious and offence is taken.

I concur with the definition as a boundary being the line between appropriate and inappropriate behavior in that particular relationship.

The problem is that they’re rarely concrete and objective, and sometimes relationships grow when a boundary is tested.

One boundary, for instance, is that you don’t share too much personal information or emotional information with coworkers. I know that the guy in the next cubicle is married and has two kids. If he tells me his wife has a cold, that’s polite conversation. If he tells me that his wife is at a conference this week and that he’s really missing her, that’s borderline. If he tells me they’re having problems in their sex life, that’s really information I don’t need to know.

I don’t think boundary-crossing needs to be intentional. Some of the worst cases I’ve ever seen have been done out of ignorance—as in the case of a freshman in college who wanted to pledge my fraternity, and spent time on winter break hanging out outside the locked house waiting for someone to come by so they could let him in. This was odd behavior, but that particular guy turned out to be so socially inept that it could hardly have been intentional.

@cwilbur: I stand corrected. Some boundary-crossing is unintentional. But it doesn’t really exist if it is not recognized (ie how can someone cross a boundary they didn’t know existed?). In my statement I’m referring to people who recognize those boundaries and cross them anyways, people who have gotten to know you and do know your likes, dislikes, etc.

Codependency and boundary issues are interrelated.

Boundaries are the limits we set with others that help us retain our uniqueness, protect ourselves from abuse and allow us to get close to others when and how we want to. People with good boundaries have a strong sense of self and don’t allow others to manipulate them into being, feeling or doing something they don’t want. Good parents teach their children by word and by example what healthy boundaries are. Like, they won’t read their teen’s diary or follow them on dates. They’ll let their child give his or her opinion on things, which teaches the child that it’s OK to assert oneself and how one feels. They’ll let their child make age-appropriate choices, and not try to do things for them when the child is clearly old enough to do so, like pick out their own clothes or pick an activity (e.g. the parent wants Judy to take ballet, but she wants soccer. Judy gets to play soccer).

Codependency is learned and codependent people violate boundaries and have theirs violated on a regular basis. They’re the people who try to cover up someone else’s dysfunctional behavior. They don’t trust people – or they trust them too much too soon! They confuse love with pity. They will do anything to hold onto a relationship – even one that’s proving itself to be a bad one – just to have a relationship. They keep quiet to avoid fighting; their sense of self is too weak to handle standing up for their opinions and they don’t understand that anger is anger and doesn’t mean that they’re going to be abandoned for showing angry feelings. A lot of codependent people can’t express their feelings at all, having been taught that in order to receive “love,” that they shouldn’t show any, but that they are “responsible” for how others feel and that they should take care of them. Not healthy at all. Not right. People are responsible for their own emotions and for handling them. Codependent people don’t realize this. People who have boundary issues don’t realize this.

You can go here and read up on these sorts of psychological development issues. The neat thing about this site is that it takes into account the latest in thinking and research in these areas and presents them in an easy-to-read, matter-of-fact manner, which I like. Just because I can read academic gobbledygook doesn’t mean that I want to!

Examples of my actual personal boundaries in my relationship with my mother:
Don’t call me every day, and then wonder why I never call you.
I have kicked everyone out of the labor & delivery room, do not come back in.
I am an adult…I will not hold your hand in public or sit on your lap.
I will be happy to help you move, again…can you please be ready when I get there?
I am sorry, but I can not lend you any more money.
You allowed me to be molested for years so, no you can not baby sit my children.
No, we will not be staying in your home when we come for a visit.
I have already explained why things are tense between us…quit pretending the past never happened.

In the end, as a person with BPD, she was unable to respect even one of my boundaries. She is no longer a part of my life.