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Jude's avatar

Could you tell me if what I'm doing is wrong?

Asked by Jude (31980 points ) February 18th, 2009

My ex and I broke a few months ago. It was a long distance relationship and when I went to Texas to visit her, I got to meet her friends and hung out with them (we’re all girls, by the way). Anyway, after our break-up, her one friend (who she rarely sees) kept in contact with me. She’s a hell of a lot of fun and we have talked about going a trip together in the future (not for a year, though). She’s just a cool chick and she’s more opt to be the one to contact me. There’s no interest on my part whatsoever. We never talk about my ex.

Well, my ex caught wind of the fact that her friend and I are talking and she is bothered by it (this sounds like high school, doesn’t it? I’m too old for this shit). Her and I (ex) decided that we both need time away from each other (no contact) and that we’re going to move on, but, maybe, down the road we’ll be able to have a friendship. In all honesty, I really don’t want to have anything to do with my ex right now. I’m feeling so much better about things and am moving on.

Do you think that it’s wrong that her friend and I are talking (it’s all innocent and nothing really)? Why do you think that she is bothered (worried)?

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17 Answers

Jude's avatar

Yep, I figured that the whole thing was ridiculous.

autumn43's avatar

I think it sounds like it worked out perfectly. Your ex is obviously jealous that her friend would still get to talk to you and she can’t.

Darwin's avatar

No, it isn’t wrong. It bothers your ex because she hasn’t moved on.

cordovanessa's avatar

Your ex is totally not over you, so even though you arent doing anything wrong, youve got to be considerate of her feelings, because she apperantly still has feelings for you.

Jude's avatar

It gets better—she is already working on getting back with her ex, so, I don’t think her feelings for me come into play here.

shamroch's avatar

I’d say you’re in the clear, since it is long distance. If the three of you were constantly in close proximity, I’d change my mind. But she doesn’t HAVE to witness your interactions, so I don’t see any harm on your part.

dynamicduo's avatar

She could be jealous that you are finding happiness.
She may want to sabotage your happiness.
She could interpret your actions as “taking away” one of her friends for yourself.
She could still have feelings for you.
She may not have a reason at all.

Regardless, her being bothered is not really rational, let alone the issue is none of her business. The fact that this friend is not a close friend to your ex is somewhat telling and would indicate to me that she sees this as you intruding on her territory (she may be making it into a “her” issue when it’s not in the least), but I’m not a psychoanalyst. Underlying point, you are free to associate with whomever you want. You are doing nothing wrong by being friends with this person. Even if you were to pursue a romantic relationship, there is still nothing wrong unless you purposely flaunt it in your ex’s face, which I doubt you would do at all.

Jude's avatar

“you intruding on her territory ”

I think that that’s the reason.

I feel that her friend and I could have something (a friendship) separate from what they have and everything would be fine.

augustlan's avatar

I think dynamicduo hit the nail on the head. As long as you’re not flaunting the friendship (and neither is the other party), I see nothing wrong with continuing it.

wundayatta's avatar

It’s none of your ex’s business. Also, you shouldn’t worry about being friends with your ex down the road. It’ll happen, or it won’t. No matter what you do now that bothers her; she’ll get over it after a while. If she doesn’t, why would you want to be friends?

You worry a lot about this stuff, and I’m not sure why. Does it have something to do with your personality? Are you being a caretaker? It’s ok. You don’t have to always take care of the others. They’ll walk all over you. Let them be responsible for themselves. You do what you want to do to be happy. In any case, you just want to be friends with the friend of your ex, so there’s nothing for your ex to worry about. So stop worrying. Just stop it! God, do I feel like a mother!

Jude's avatar

It’s interesting how things go. About a month ago, I was having a difficult time with the break-up (she treated my like shit near the end, and was only thinking of herself. It didn’t end well and I was hurt pretty bad). Now, I am thinking to myself “hell no, you don’t deserve any of this”. And, it’s like I had an epiphany tonight and FINALLY could see that I didn’t deserve ANY of this crap. I truly don’t feel the same way about her now. I don’t want her to know what going on in my life and I have no interest in what is going on with hers. I had already started to move on; getting back on my horse, as it were. I’m much happier now than what I was.

I just read daloon’s response. I think that it finally clicked (funny how things work). I DON’T want a friendship down the road. I’m done. Just one, big, fat learning experience.

augustlan's avatar

Good job!

Bri_L's avatar

I think what dynamicduo thunk

Jack79's avatar

I remember that ex. That’s the one that went back to the one that treated her badly, right? Yes, the way you describe it, staying away from each other is a good idea.

Is the other friend also a lesbian? Ok, you’re not interested in her right now, but is it an open possibility? And maybe your ex could be into her? I don’t see a problem with you hanging out, but all of this could be sexual jealousy. Which is more complicated when everybody is the same sex. Being a heterosexual man I find it hard to imagine the dynamics within a group of people who are all of the same sex and could potentially all be each other’s partners.

(to clarify this: if I hang out with my ex’s ex, it would not be a problem, because we are both men, so there would be no issue of us ending up together, and any objection on her part would not be of a sexual nature).

Having said that, I assume that she just sees this as just another way to stay close to her, albeit indirectly. So perhaps not keeping contact with her friend might be a good idea, at least for now. It’s simply not worth it, and yes, it does all sound a little childish.

Response moderated
The_unconservative_one's avatar

@ShauneP82 , What a dick thing to say.

chell's avatar

Nope there is nothing wrong with you and the friend talking and being good friends. Actually there would be nothing wrong if at some point things became more. As others said it is none of your ex’s business. Your life is your own and so is the friends. Enjoy your friendship good friends are rare. And enjoy your new found feeling of happiness.

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