General Question

shortysith's avatar

When do you cut ties with a friend?

Asked by shortysith (683 points ) May 21st, 2009

Just a point of interest because I wonder if I should cut ties with my best friend because she doesn’t agree with my choices that I have made for myself, something important in my life, and says she never will. Do you give up a friend in cases like this? Or do you accept their opinion and try to stay friends anyway?

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24 Answers

Tink's avatar

I think you should stay friends and talk to them like me and my friend i feel something is wrong and she’s not telling me about it

basp's avatar

Shorty
I depends on so many things….
When she told you she would never agree with decisions you have made for yourself, did she tell you with respect and concern or was her tone angry and accusatory?
My advice would be to accept her opinion, stay receptive to contiued friendship, then wait to see how things unfold.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Good friends don’t always agree and it’s great if they can tell their truth without attacking you or purposely trying to belittle or hurt your feelings. Yeah, good luck with that, anyone. I don’t cut a loving friend loose unless they are impacting me negatively, sometimes that happens too where they mean well, and try but do more harm than good.

ccbatx's avatar

If they’re bringing you down, then they aren’t your friend. A friend is someone who—in the end—is there for you in any decision you make.

hug_of_war's avatar

There’s no rule, I think it’s just something you have to decide for yourself.

fedupwitcaddys's avatar

i dont see no reason why you should cut her off right now, because every one is entitled to their opinions and all, but i would limit the things i tell her and thats sad because true friends are suppose to be supportive of one another aside of being opinionated.
NOW if she starts doing things to hinder your success or pouring salt on your accomplishments then you should kick her ass to the curb immediatly. Then again she could be jealous of you, and you most definitely got to be careful of that. that could also be the case. hope its not. snakes come in all shapes and sizes.
I had a so called best friend that was really my cousin. we grew up together, she was critical of everything i did with very little encouragement , unless it benefited her in some sort of way. I found out when we hit out late twenties that she talked about me behind my back. degraded me to others, and i believe she slept with the father of my child. then one day when she was drunk, she expressed to me in a pool of tears how she wanted to have kids like me because she couldnt have any, how she wanted to have the nice things i did and just be a likable person like myself because she had a stank attitude and no one really cared to befriend her. oh, and on top of that stated how miserable she was. basically JEALOUS OF of me.
so you’ll never know why your friend acts that way towards you. just be careful. and if she continues to display such behavior or worse in the future, then maybe you should dump her as a friend and befriend more supportive people.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

In your case, it sounds like its better to agree to disagree, but that shouldn’t stop you being best friends.

In answer to your more general question, I’ll tell you of a situation I was in recently. I had a ‘friend’ who I hung around a lot, mainly because I could tell he had trouble making friends and I felt sorry for him. We hung out for about four months as quite good friends before things started getting strange. I met a girl I was interested in, and decided that I would hand out with that group to see if there was any potential. He began to feel threatened though, and tried to avoid the group and drag me away.
When I started dating this girl, he started complaining that I wasn’t paying enough attention to him, and I wasn’t talking to him every time I was online. I tried to gently tell him to back off a little, and give me space. This distressed my girlfriend, who thought she was destroying my friendship.
After a while trying to balance things this way, he started buying me presents. More than I have bought for my girlfriend to this day. I decided to get rid of him, but I was unsuccessful because I underestimated his possessive nature. The final straw came when he bought a card, supposedly for me to give to my girlfriend for Valentines Day (which I promptly disposed of without looking at). From that point onwards, I told him firmly to never contact me again, ignored his communications, hung up on him when he called, and told him to get off my property when he came to offer more presents.

The upshot is, if you are uncomfortable hanging around someone, don’t. If there is a valuable friendship there to save, save it. The action is easy, the decision to take action is hard. Just ask yourself, will this be an issue in six months time? Do I still want to be friends? What am I going to do about it?

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Think long and hard about what your friend is saying before you decide to cut them out of your life.

wildpotato's avatar

When you realize that the past you share is all you share anymore.

justwannaknow's avatar

She can accept you as you are or move on down the road. Stay strong to yourself and what you believe in.

May2689's avatar

She needs to accept your opinion and you need to accept hers. I dont think that you should cut ties with your friend just because you have different opinions on a matter.

chasy's avatar

When my friends have different opinions than mine and we can’t see eye to eye, we agree to disagree. I’ve actually learned a lot from friends who have different opinions than me. As long as your friend is respectful toward you, I see no reason to cut ties.

To answer the broader question that you initially asked, if a relationship is toxic (i.e. makes you feel lousy about yourself, influences you to do things you don’t want to do, is abusive, etc.), then you should absolutely cut ties with that person.

Hope that helps! :)

filmfann's avatar

I had a friend who was quite abusive to everyone. I stuck by him through his divorce, career trouble, and many relationship disasters. We were friends from Middle School, and I was best man when he married.
When I got married to my wife (who is deaf), he asked when the baby was due. We had been engaged 5 or 6 months prior to the wedding, so I was confused by the question.
I told him she wasn’t pregnant. He said “Of course she is. You wouldn’t marry her if she wasn’t.”
I hung up the phone on him, and didn’t talk to him again. That was 25 years ago. I ran into him once in a park, and chatted for a moment, and we recently exchanged emails, but I am still angry.

LYTSKR's avatar

Most people answering that you should never cut a friend loose are still very dependent on others for happiness. YOU are the only person in the world that you absolutely NEED. Sharing your life with others of similar tastes and opinion who always support and uplift you are the icing on the cake of life. So if a friend no longer makes you feel good about yourself, causes you ANY stress or brings you down in ANY way, then it is completely up to you whether you choose to keep that person in your life. MOST spiritual doctrines encourage letting go of the past in order to be fully present and happy in the moment. Cutting ties with your past and those who no longer bring you joy is an EXTREMELY uplifting and rejuvenating choice. In the end it is ultimately your decision, but if you have the courage and independence to let go, it can be a VERY rewarding experience. Good luck and remember that YOU are the most important person in your world.

HappyFox's avatar

For me, it all comes down to your own definition of what a friend actually is, and what kind of behaviour you can expect from him/her as a friend.

Friends should make each other happy, not upset each other.

filmfann's avatar

@HappyFox welcome. Lurve.

Adagio's avatar

@ccbatx “If they’re bringing you down, then they aren’t your friend”
Wow, that is such a sweeping comment.

YCLYHO's avatar

i break a friendship when i find out that my so-called friend is two-faced, disloyal and untrustworthy, ive no time for these people

phillis's avatar

I want to reemphasize what The Compassionate Heretic said, because it’s such a small statement that I’m afraid you’ll overlook it. There’s a lot of power packed into that statement.

A friend is someone who will call you on your bullshit, but love you despite it. There can be times when the two of you won’t agree on ANYTHING. When trust has been established between you, this is merely a phase. It won’t be like this forever.

Also, the number of people who are sorely lacking in people skills is at epidemic proportions. This is important to you because your friend my fall into this category. In those cases, it’s not HOW they say it, but WHAT they say. It’s the CONTENT of the thoughts they’re expressing to you, not the delivery. It’s a bull in a china shop approach, sure enough. But what they say still matters. Truth is truth.

You have to look at what your friend has said to see if there is any truth to it, and to what extent. Maybe she ISN’T just tearing you down. Maybe you’re making some truly bad choices. I cannot speculate one way or the other on that part. But you can.

Poopy's avatar

Yes, if those are healthy choices.For example: not every friend supported my decision to go back to school. A few thought I was out of my mind. In fact, they tried to sabotage my efforts. Although I like to preserve friendships, I also know when to walk away.

Excalibur's avatar

I think people should be tolerant of other people’s ideas and choices. Everyone should be allowed to disagree and to hold another opinion. However, shunning someone because they do not agree with you is worse than your friend not agreeing with your choices.

Sophief's avatar

You should accept her opinion. We are all entitled to that. Would you rather she lie to you? That isn’t a friend. A friend is someone you can rely on to tell you the truth.

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