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Cupcake's avatar

Personal trauma - how much do you take responsibility for and how much responsibility do you give to others?

Asked by Cupcake (11612 points ) January 13th, 2010

Have you ever thought about your role in your trauma? Was your role in your own trauma a result of the actions or attitudes of others? How much responsibility do you bear? How much is too much? Too little?

At what point are you detached from the actions of others and focus entirely on your reaction?

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19 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

I think for most people, the ‘blame’ and responsibility goes on yourself as well as your parents. Then there is just deciding how much goes to whom. A parent can totally screw their offfspring over in the future if they are bad parents, and the individual can screw themselves over with their own decisions.

aprilsimnel's avatar

My fault in my trauma was taking it personally after age 14 or so, and not standing up for myself when I was old enough to do so. I mean, I saw my abuser’s own son tell her where to stick it when he was 12. Logically, I knew that my abuser had done her worst and if she ever touched me, I could have had her hauled off to jail, but emotionally I still responded to her as though I were 6 for many, many years, and that’s on me. I taught her how to treat me and she treated me that way (with added contempt!) through over half my adulthood, until I finally broke off my relationship with her.

I think she expected me to stand up to her at some point after I was 16, but I never did. I don’t think she recognized the contempt she had for me as I grew older, but I saw it, even if I didn’t realize what it was until I was 31.

Austinlad's avatar

Some traumas in my life were initiated by others. Some, by my own actions. And of course some were team efforts. Regardless, wallowing in the blame game is pointless and such wasted energy. It’s my responsibility to choose how I want to live the rest of my life. I can seek counsel about how to accmy life better, but in the end, I’M the one who has to make it happen. It’s called being a grownup.

marinelife's avatar

Traumas that occur to us are not our faults. Our role in a trauma is to go on living with the aftermath of the trauma and to try not to let it influence our present and our futures.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

@Austinlad and @Marina have said what I would have.

DrMC's avatar

um.. well, the plaintiff lawyers have saith that unto the physician all blame must rest.

Whoa be it to anyone who tries to do a good thing.

The politicians have saith – it is the wealthy who have caused your misfortunes.

Whoa be it to anyone who tries to get out of bed.

Who is John Gault anyway?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

My most serious trauma was when I was a child – it shouldn’t have happened, I bear no responsibility.

flo's avatar

Car accidents and the like? If I have too much ego, I probably blame the other guy. If I have low self esteem, I am too easily convinced it is my fault, when it is not.

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

Trauma caused by outsiders (assault, abuse, etc) can initially be blamed on the perpetrator. But in my opinion it’s up to the victim to do what they can to get over their trauma. Of course, there are some things that you can never fully recover from, that you will remember for the rest of your life. But part of being a mature person is realizing that what has been done cannot be undone, and it is up to you to get on with your life. Getting therapy or even medication, surrounding yourself with people you can trust, and things like that can make it easier to survive even after going through terrible trauma. There are myriad examples of people doing just that. Ultimately, happiness is a personal responsibility, and you are the only person that can ensure that happiness.

nebule's avatar

it’s all about the dance
and feeling
and getting through it

there should be no blame
there would be no blame
if we all took responsibility

Silhouette's avatar

Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it. I assign blame on the same scale. If I react badly to a situation I have only 10% control over, it’s 90% my fault.

bean's avatar

I got so traumatised from bullying I couldn’t do anything like drama or speak out in front of a class with out throwing up or feeling sick… but in high school it was either be confident, slutty and outgoing or your social status dies….. luckily I was just polite to every one and they were nice to me… so I made it through the year….

tranquilsea's avatar

I grew up in a periodically abusive situation. I tried to make things better…all the time. Then I had a couple of things happen when I was 16 and then 18 that rocked my world and, again I took most of the responsibility. It took having a breakdown, lots and lots of therapy, going through a period of mourning the loss of parts of my childhood and teen years before I could put the the responsibility where it needed to be: with the abusers.

snowberry's avatar

Agree with @Silhouette. Drama and trauma go hand in hand. Dump the drama (quit being a drama queen, or king), and your stress level does down to zero. Sometimes the trauma goes away altogether.

I’m speaking as one who knows.

emeraldisles's avatar

I blame both my family that allowed it to happen and me for not speaking up sooner. Now I realize it was a sick situation that I will never, ever allow to happen again.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

I am always responsible for my own part in whatever hurt me. Everything is a choice that is just the truth. But like I have mentioned in other posts, when other people give you incorrect information and you opt to trust *Which it is actually human to want to do, or in the very least believe it is safe to do, and the other person is lying for their own gratification that means that you don’t have all of the necessary information needed to make a conscious decision for yourself.

It is difficult when you deal with other people on behalf of yourself. But everything Ihave ever done wrong in my life I am not only aware of, but take responsability for but its not always that simple.

I believe that people should to some extent be somewhat responsible for one anothers health and sanity where and when they directly or will indirectly effect it to a detriment given the choice to opt not to for their own sence of moral obligation, the problem is with those individuals who are always and ever out for themselves. They don’t care, they hurt indescriminately and then ask you to be okay with it.

I say Nay nay nay! “Just because you can get away with doing something wrong, or dirty or low, doesn’t mean you should do it, especially where human emotions and feelings are concerned.”

I suppose maybe I have a little more of a social conscience than some people do within that problem? And again that being said, I don’t hide much, I don’t fear much, and therefore I don’t lie much. Lying comes from a fear of judgement.

If you put yourself all out there, what reason do you have to lie unless you are intentionally seeking to obscure a view of yourself from those you don’t want to see you so that you can easier manipulate them to your objective, your reason, or your opinion? Personally I don’t care to hide anything, and therefore I prefer other people not asking me to do the same.

There isn’t very much about me that I ever hide.

It should be inside all of us to do the right thing… not everyone has that, and they go through life doing whatever they like, making excuses for it, justifying it and replying on charm or looks, excuses or outright lies to get away with it.

I’m probably one of the most self aware people. I know it when I screw up and I neither hide that or expect anyone else to not see it for what it was but that being said, don’t in turn, BE an idiot toward me, and then ask or expect me not to see it or be disturbed or angry about it

Can’t do it.

snowberry's avatar

@GabrielsLamb Bravo! I’m liking you more and more. I’m glad we’re following each other.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@ I feel the same honey and again, I hope that you’re having a better day. *I hate spillage.

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