General Question

Tink's avatar

Thoughts of suicide?

Asked by Tink (8658 points ) January 14th, 2010 from iPhone

I’m not always a happy person, it may seem like it but I’m really not. I am not always good at hiding the pain I feel, there are days when I can’t do it any longer. I don’t always tell the few people that im close to everything, there are things I hide from them. Mostly for my own good. Or to keep them out of my problems.

I’ve been through therapy for harming myself, I stopped going because I thought I was getting better at controlling myself. I realized that everytime I think i’m doing better, I just fall back into feeling like shit. My parents dont give a fuck, that’s why they sent me to a shrink. They can’t handle me when I’m like this. To my mom I’m just a bad influence to my sisters. My dad doesn’t say anything at all to me about it.

I just feel like swallowing a handful of pills and going to sleep. But then there is something in my head telling me not to. I act without thinking, that is also my problem.
I am tired of crying myself to sleep most nights. I don’t choose to feel this way, it just happens. I don’t know what to do about it either.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

74 Answers

rangerr's avatar

Oh, Tink baby..
I love you.
We all love you.

I know what you’re going through not specifically, but I know the feelings.., I’ve been there.
Hell, I tried it.. but I’m still here and I’m glad I failed my attempt.

Stay strong, babygirl. You know you can talk to me whenever. I’ll always listen.
PM me if you want to talk… I can give you my number if you’d like to talk that way.
You know I won’t judge, and I’ll listen.

I love you, kid. Keep your head up.

jonsblond's avatar

Listen to your head Tink. Don’t do something you can’t take back.

Life is hard, it sucks, but life is also beautiful. Live for yourself. You don’t need others to make you happy.

We love you Tink! :)

jrpowell's avatar

I feel like I have watched you grow up. Trust me on this. I was gutted when my friends found out my mom killed my dad. I wanted to die. But I didn’t and 17 years later I am happy.

All the shit will go away soon. In 3 years you can get on with your life. You can tell everyone to fuck-off and be your own person. I know it seems like it is a long time away, but it isn’t. When you are 30 three years is only ten percent of your life. Trust me.. It goes really fucking fast.

judochop's avatar

Tink, Nothing in life is worth killing yourself for. I have tried (to relate to what you are going through) to change the way I viewed many things during my depressions. Think of it more as a gift. Yes a gift that hurts but with that gift it gives you the power to understand pain and frustration that others only ever read about. I fully get what it is like to have the bottom of your box open up and everything falls out all over the place with the big pieces landing on your thoughts. Suicide is not going to fix things. It will leave the ones who care about you broken and depressed themselves. Have you tried throwing paint on to a canvas? Not even making anything just throwing it up there and picturing the colors of your depression? Let it dry and then paint over it with different colors when you feel better. You do not sound like you are a stranger to depression so you know that this will pass and you will feel better. Use this gift to help others Tink. You have the heart of an artist inside of you, some of us are born with it. I will be on tonight if you want to chat when you can’t sleep…..I will be on this end having the same insomnia crapstorm here in Portland. Cheers Tink, you are gifted and none of the good ones get to leave that easily. Turn this into something that you can express. Drag your heavy eyes and heavy feet and heavy hands out and make something that you can cover when you feel better. Much love Tink.

rangerr's avatar

Plus, your fish is gonna be a mommy!
You’re gonna be a grandma!

rooeytoo's avatar

STep one is to get back to the shrink. I know what you mean about stopping because you feel better but then you know you’re not over the hump yet.

Also you said you went to a group, is there someone from the group you can call and talk to? Or get to a meeting, just go to any meeting, they will welcome you. How about an alateen, I know that is not your problem, but it is a bunch of kids who support each other and are hurting.

Get some help, don’t go it alone! Keep talking in here if nothing else is available right this minute

eponymoushipster's avatar

Im seriously worried about @Tink1113

she just posted this on Tumblr:
http://ibetitstung.tumblr.com/post/335470509/i-love-you-all-bye

lizzmitch's avatar

i agree with @judochop find some sort of outlet, other than cutting/suicide. I know for me my depression never seemed like it would end and I would just start writing. I would write my way out. It does get better, just keep talking or writing, get it out, get people around you who can encourage you. this is not intended to sound creepy in anyway but i would love you to spend a weekend with me and all my people. a lot of them have also fought suicide and i know it would be very encouraging for you. stay strong lady!

Jeruba's avatar

Dear Tink, one of my very most favorite jelly babies. Listen to us. Listen to @rangerr, who knows. Listen to that something in your head. The rest is craziness.

Not every shrink knows his shit. Sometimes you need to work with somebody else.

Stay with us. It won’t always be like this. Those pills are a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

If you want to say more than you can put in a post, send a PM. We love you and will help all we can.

rooeytoo's avatar

Does anyone know how to get in touch, where she is? How bout her boyfriend, is he around?

jackm's avatar

It is nothing you can control. Its not your fault at all. I would suggest calling a suicide prevention hotline if the feelings are very strong right now.

It may feel like the feelings will never go away, but they will.

Think of all the people who love you, and how much it will hurt them.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Can someone get hold of Bendrewim to find her? I am worried!

Jeruba's avatar

1–800-SUICIDE

jrpowell's avatar

@aprilsimnel :: She came in the chat. She pretty much left a ambiguous message about sleep. It sounds like she is going to see how she feels in the morning. <—- That is a good thing.

aprilsimnel's avatar

::whew!::

If you see this, Tink, we care about you!

Jeruba's avatar

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” (Psalms 30:5)

nikipedia's avatar

If you need a person to talk to, send me a PM and I’ll give you my phone number, and you can call me any time you want. Or I can help you find someone who is a real pro and can help you.

I can’t fix much, but I can help you find someone who can.

Lots of us care about you. Let us all help you in the ways that we can.

chelseababyy's avatar

@Tink1113 I sent you a pm <3 love you doll.

9doomedtodie's avatar

There comes a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance, that imitation is suicide, that he must take himself for better, or for worse as his portion

Sophief's avatar

I felt like this for years and I mean years. When I was living with my mum she had know idea what was going on in my head, no idea at all. I went to the doctors on my own, and saw a shrink on my own, although stopped seeing her, because she made me feel it was my fault and treated me like a 17 year old who was having a bad day.

When I was 21 I attempted suicide, unfortunately I was also drunk at the time and left the door open so a friend came in and took me to hospital. I begged him not to phone my mum but he did, she came to the hospital crying, but that was it, she NEVER mentioned it since. It was like it never happened.

So, I started hitting myself, which led to cutting myself with Razor Blades. The relief I get with that is just amazing, the control I get with my own life in those few minutes is great.

Anyway, I moved out at 26 with my long term boyfriend and moved to another town, then I met someone else and moved in with him when I was 29. Although I am so happy with who I am with now, the other side of is more messed up than it’s ever been. I am paranoid, anxious, scared, ugly, fat, disgusting, sad and still very much self.

I think what I am saying is try so hard to get the right medication for you while you are still young. This shit does not go away, it only gets worse. If you need to talk you can anytime you like, I’ll listen and won’t judge you.

augustlan's avatar

Tink, please go back to therapy. Stick with it until you find the one who works for you, and/or the medication that works for you. We love you, and many of us (me included) have been where you are… we can help! PM me if you’d like to talk more privately. {hugs}

Leanne1986's avatar

I too have the thought of suicide constantly in the back of my mind but, like yourself, there is a voice sometimes a very quiet one but a voice nonetheless telling me to hold on. My advice to you? Listen to the voice because maybe it’s a gut feeling that things will get better in time. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway!

In answer to your question about thoughts on suicide. The only thoughts I have are those of deepest sympathy for the victim and their family. I don’t (unlike many others) consider it selfish or cowardly, to me it is an act of extreme desperation and (often, not always) the loss of rational thought due to something traumatic or unbearable emotions that lead someone to just wanting an end to what they are feeling. I don’t always think the person wants to die, some just want to stop the way they feel. Whatever the reason, it’s heartbreaking and it angers me when people judge those who do end their own lives because, many of those people have never really experienced the need/desire to do so.

If you feel that your family don’t care what about about friends? Do you have anyone that you confide in? I found that when I was at my absolute worst and very close to ending it all their were two people who kept me going. I am forever grateful to them.

filmfann's avatar

I have had those moments. I had a lot of them when I was single.
I remember dating a girl named Jeanne F., and thinking how wonderful it was I never committed suicide, because I would never have dated her. She was so beautiful. That relationship didn’t work, but the feeling of thanks is still with me.

Dog's avatar

Love ya Tink.

Where you are is very dark and hopeless but hopeless is just an illusion.
It is not forever. The pain will go away and you need not erase your entire existence to get rid the pain you are feeling right now.

You deserve to feel better. Listen to @augustlan and find the help that is waiting for you.

As you have seen many of us have been to that dark and painful place. It is truly hell. But we are also standing up to tell you that things WILL get better. I look now and shudder at the huge price I would have paid to diminish the pain back then. Had I not gotten help I would not have experienced so much of the best life has to offer.

If you are having strong urges please contact a hot-line. They are there to help you feel better. There is no shame, just hope. If medication is suggested there is no shame in taking it. If therapists are not working try another. And please touch base with us asap.

Sophief's avatar

@Dog Nice and caring answer, I’m not doubting you believe what you wrote, but I don’t think you can say things will get better. They don’t get better (not for some anyway), you just learn hoe to accept it. In my opinion the worst thing you can say to someone is things will get better. Personally it frustrates the hell out of me when people say that to me.

janbb's avatar

Hey Tink,

Little penguin buddy. You can’t give up – I’d be so lonely on the ice floe without you. I, too, have felt this way at times but life has too many beautiful things in it to give up. PM me if you want to talk, sweetheart.

janbb's avatar

Any updates?

Sophief's avatar

@janbb She has been on today, but not made any comments.

wundayatta's avatar

@Tink1113 You and me both. This past week has been pretty bad for me. Not my worst, but bad enough. I entertained those kinds of thoughts far more than I liked. Last time—my first depressed episode, it was a lot worse. I was thinking about how. This time, I was just wishing. Every time I felt bad, I thought, “I wish I could die,” or something like that.

But my next thought was “you don’t really want to die. This thought just means you are in such pain, you can’t stand it. You know you really want to live. You want to see what happens next.” That’s my self-suicide message now. The other part of it is that I want to be deeply connected to someone I love, and that I want to be loved. Oh God, do I want to be loved.

I think it’s impossible for anyone who hasn’t been there to understand how much I need to be connected. I think that makes me attracted to others like me, because they do understand. But I digress.

I think you are doing the right thing in reaching out. But if you’re like me, you need real human touch. Virtual love is nice, but it really doesn’t do the trick. You’re in trouble there. You are surrounded by people who you believe don’t care about you. But, your parents are probably really scared for you and don’t know what to do. That’s why they sent you to the shrink. Maybe they don’t know how to express their love for you, which means family therapy is crucial.

The other thing is to hold out until therapy and meds work, and then hold out until you find someone who really loves you. There will be a person, but I don’t know when.

Anyway, you probably are like me, too, in that you way underestimate your value to others. It’s weird knowing that you do nothing for others when they tell you that you mean something to them. For me the problem is that they never say what the something is. They can’t point to anything specific I did or said that was meaningful to them, so I don’t believe them. That’s just me. I’m a scientist. I don’t believe anything without evidence, and statements do not count as evidence.

So my stomach howls with anxiety most of the time. My thoughts go obsessively around whatever it is that bothers me or that I think about. Usually about how I am not loved. At least, not by the people I want to love me.

I know I can survive this. I have in the past. It will hurt for I don’t know how long. Eventually I will get past it. It would be better to be loved, but life is like that for some of us. We have to wait a long time before we finally meet that person who wants us the way we want them. There will be mistakes. But some time.

It’s just your pain talking. It’s just a way of saying “I hurt.” “I hurt like you can not believe.” “I need help.”

Of course letting yourself be helped is difficult. We don’t believe we are worth help. We don’t believe anyone really cares just because they say it. They have to prove it, and prove it in the face of the obstacles we put in their way. We make it so hard for people to love us, even though that’s what we want the most.We’re impossible.

Except we are possible. And sometimes—most of the time—we can hold on until it’s not so bad. Hold on, kid. I’m gonna hold on, too. Not because of all the people depending on me (although that is part of it), but for myself. I just want to know what will happen next. Can’t do that if I’m dead.

disturbed_broken's avatar

@Tink1113
please don’t give up….
I attempted on Thursday night…and was planning to kill myself tomorrow but I talked to someone about it and they helped me….in 3 years like someone else said..you can move out and have you own life. You still have your whole life ahead of you. I know it may seem like nobody cares and you aren’t worth it but you are!!
I know counselling sometimes doesn’t work..mine wasn’t working for a long time but it’s starting to now…maybe get another shrink or just stick with it for a little more longer..please get help more help anything…do something just please, please not this. I know how difficult it is to fight off the urge to cut, and to kill yourself it’s almost impossible but you have to stay strong!
please.

Yetanotheruser's avatar

@Tink1113 Like the others have said, don’t do something you can’t take back. It seems like there are a lot of options when you feel that way. 1–800 SUICIDE (thanks, @Jeruba ) sounds like a good resource. I’m not directly familiar with it, but I used to work a hotline that dealt with suicidal callers, among other things. I would also urge you to return to counseling, or find a group as suggested above.

I know it is not immediate, but feel free to PM me if you feel like you want to hurt yourself. I’ll gladly respond.

And remember:

You are worth something. You do have something to contribute, and you are loved!

Jeruba's avatar

@Dibley, you have a point. It is certain, though, that if you end your life, you will eliminate any possibility that things ever could get better.

Dog's avatar

Tink???

disturbed_broken's avatar

She hasn’t been on today =S I’m scared!

janbb's avatar

I pm’d her about 30 minutes ago. Haven’t heard back yet. My gut feeling is that she is a strong person; I hope I’m right.

disturbed_broken's avatar

I hope you are right too!!
I pm’d her to last night and no reply.

Judi's avatar

Is anyone else friends with @damntony? Maybe if someone pm’s him he can let us know. He’s her boyfriend.

arnbev959's avatar

@Judi: I did a few hours ago. He hasn’t seen her since Thursday, and she isn’t answering her phone. :(

I hope she’s ok.

rooeytoo's avatar

This is when fluther drives me crazy, you get close enough to a person to care and worry but not safe to get close enough to know how to get in touch with or look in on.

Wonder why damntony doesn’t go over to her house or something???

Dog's avatar

:(
Who was her buddy on the buddy thread? Of course if she is not answering the phone that would be useless.

aprilsimnel's avatar

:(
I wish I knew what we could do.

Jeruba's avatar

@Dog, was that the thread where I was assigning fluther buddies to people as they came along, or was there another one? I can’t find it.

Dog's avatar

I have been looking too. Was it you that started it? Let me keep looking.

rooeytoo's avatar

I searched fluther buddies and didn’t come up with anything that looked helpful

Dog's avatar

I think there have been two such threads. One was right after Daloon left the first time and the second was (I thought) asked by Lynneblundell however I cannot find either.

Jeruba's avatar

You’re right, @Dog, one was after Daloon left that time, and that’s the one where I played matchmaker. I can’t find it. I didn’t see the second one. I’m worried about Daloon now too, despite what he wrote above.

arnbev959's avatar

Coincidentally, I posted here just a few hours ago. Daloon is missing again as well. :(

augustlan's avatar

Damn it. I’m really worried about both of them. :(

Sophief's avatar

I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but she is getting a lot of attention here and she is 15. Maybe she just wants to see who cares enough. Obviously we all care, and that is a good thing and she will see that, but I don’t think this is going any deeper than that.

@Tink1113 WE ALL CARE, AND SOME OF US KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, BUT MAYBE THE TIME IS NOW TO JUST COME BACK ON AND TELL PEOPLE YOU ARE SAFE.

janbb's avatar

I know daloon’s feeling badly, but I don’t think he would do anything rash. I would like to hear from Tink; I never got a pm back from her.

Tink's avatar

Hey guys, I am back. I just needed to do some things. I am safe for now. I am just scared, of everything. I am afraid that I could end my life at any moment I want to. Thoughts of doing it are still in my head this moment. Nothing can or will change that. The only thing that can change anytime is me being here.
Thank you everyone.

chelseababyy's avatar

@Tink1113 Love love love you. We’re all here for you, really. Feel better baby <3

MacBean's avatar

Love you lots, Tink. ♥

Sophief's avatar

@Tink1113 I know how you feel. These thoughts are with me constantly also. Doesn’t make you a bad person, doesn’t make you different. Remember that.

Dog's avatar

TINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3!

You just made my day!

arnbev959's avatar

Tink!!!! Thanks for stopping in.

Don’t forget— if you need anyone to talk to, we’re all here for you.

<lurve3

janbb's avatar

Yay for the little penguin buddy!!!

aprilsimnel's avatar

So glad you’re here, Tink! We are here for you when you need us!

disturbed_broken's avatar

YAY I’m so glad you are okay!!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I couldn’t blink reading this. I’ve been there too…I just want you to know that as you grow older you look back sometimes after having kids or interesting experiences and think ‘god everything felt just so damn hopeless’ and you feel glad you made it through.

Yetanotheruser's avatar

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ @Tink1113 ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!

augustlan's avatar

Oh, thank God. I’m sooooo glad you let us know, Tink! We love you, girly!

I’ve been there, too. For all of my childhood and many years into adulthood. Please, please remember… it will get better. I promise.

Dan_DeColumna's avatar

Hello Tink. You don’t know me. I stumbled across your tumblr account while reading this, and I got hooked. You’re a very intelligent and funny gal and it’d be a crime, at least a felony, no chance of parole, to remove yourself from this world. Stopping your blog would at least be a misdemeanor. So I entreat you, please continue being “weird/weird”; I happen to like your brand of nonsense. :-D

Sincerely,
Dan DeColumna

Jeruba's avatar

Welcome to fluther, @Dan_DeColumna.

wundayatta's avatar

I’m sorry people. I had no intention of disappearing, but I was running away from a sick part of me, and that meant trashing my past. Fluther fell in the carnage (as well as the email address anyone would have reached me at) and my facebook page and anything else I could think of to distance me.

It had nothing to do with suicide and everything to do with trying to be a new and different person. Which, to some degree I am. I no longer want to think of myself as daloon (the loon, or the lunatic). I want to be able to be positive going forward, being able to think and speak honestly about my skills and talents (instead of constantly denying them) and also other things that I might like about myself or think that I am good at (like writing).

I’m trying not to expect to stay this way forever. That’s why I’m just taking it one day at a time (wundayatta) time. Just trying to stay on the positive side of things. Not something I know much about, but here I am, and here I plan to stay.

janbb's avatar

Welcome back, @wundayatta !

rangerr's avatar

@wundayatta Is kay. I still love you. ♥

wundayatta's avatar

thank you @rangerr and @janbb! ;-)

crazy_twilight_chick's avatar

trust me you don’t want to commit suicide. it would totally hurt everyone you love. trust I’ve been there you don’t know how much i wish my parents would’ve been there for me when i cut myself or when i thought about killing myself. im okay now though. a really good trick that i learned was that when i wanted to cut myself i would write a poem. the day i broke up w/ my boyfriend a wrote so many poems that i had to start putting them in a notebook. do that. don’t cut. write

wundayatta's avatar

@crazy_twilight_chick What wonderful advice! “Don’t cut. Write!” It should be a t-shirt or a bumper sticker.

Arp's avatar

It is strange how similar your situation is to mine. Just try as hard as you can to think of the positives, don’t beat yourself up. You know what I do when I am in those situation? Go to this list, and youtube every song on it. Trust me, after that you will feel much better.

Also, Crazy (My other harem-lady) has a good point! You need to find an outlet. Crazy writes. I draw random pictures. Find something you like to do, and use it to express yourself! And know that, even though you dont know me, there is someone out there that cares for your welfare and doesn’t want you to get hurt.

Good luck, tinkguin ^_^

<3 Arp

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther