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Just_Justine's avatar

Which personality traits would you change for a partner? If any?

Asked by Just_Justine (6448 points ) March 18th, 2010

This question has kind of been inspired by a prior question. Now of course “I will stop smoking” is a behaviour, not a personality trait. Maybe for example you compliment people both males and females often. Like “Ooh that colour really brings out your eyes!”. Perhaps this comment would upset your partner? Maybe it would not. (Perhaps he feels you are coming onto the person?). Would you modify your behaviour to appease your SO? and in which ways and why? Do you think you would then “lose” a part of who you are, or do you feel this loss is worth the gain you have in having a SO?

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63 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

The only thing I’m changing is my panties.
That,and maybe some stubborness…maybe not.They’ll have to make me! lol

Frankie's avatar

Um, none? My personality is what makes me me, and if my partner does not like or appreciate my personality, then he shouldn’t be with me. Does that even need to be said?? lol.

Fyrius's avatar

Call me picky, but I wouldn’t expect a relationship to last long if it requires me to change my personality.
If it’s something I already considered a bad thing myself, I’ll probably appreciate the extra motivation to improve, but adapting to suit someone else’s arbitrary preferences…
Well, I don’t think it would make either of us happy in the long run.

fireside's avatar

There are some positive changes that can come out of changing parts of your personality hen you are in a loving relationship.

Giving up self-reliance and insecurity is a healthy change that would have to come from a recognition of the respect your partner showed to you.

I don’t think there are things that should be expected to change though.
A true partner is one who takes you at face value and accepts the whole package, hang-ups and all.

free_fallin's avatar

I don’t see myself changing my personality for another person, but often during a relationship we find clarity and end up changing things because we see fit to change them. We have to be willing to grow with one another which could lead to changes in our personality.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

the lying cheating one…

jealoustome's avatar

I’ve noticed that my hubby and I will, sometimes, try to change for each other. Usually what ends up happening is that we’ll change a lot for a little while, but eventually we slide about halfway back into whatever behavior it is that we thought we could change. So, we change a little and things are more comfortable, but we still get to be ourselves.

In the end, we are who we are and, whether we always realize it or not, we like each other for who we are. Usually, when you are trying to change someone you want them to do what you would do. But, that’s no fun. The whole fun of being with someone is that they are different than you and can offer new experiences/realizations to you.

elenuial's avatar

It’s way easier to find a new partner than it is to change something they perceive as intrinsic to their identity. Trying to change someone on such a fundamental level almost always works out poorly, especially because of the implied arrogance in such an action.

For the record, I’m usually a fan of sticking it out with someone I love. I tend to adapt if there’s a need in the relationship, and my partner has usually been gracious enough to try to work to meet my needs, too—without being doormats, of course. When that hasn’t happened, we broke up. Which, you know, is how long-term relationships tend to work, from what I’ve seen.

ucme's avatar

I keep my dick in my pants.For her eyes only.

Cruiser's avatar

The only thing I have or will change is the volume on my guitar amp…Yes kind and considerate I am.

@lucillelucillelucille “They’ll”?? Got your own man stable going there?? Woo HOO!! ;)

Just_Justine's avatar

@ucme your dick is your personality?? oh of course loll.

Shae's avatar

I like me, and the person I want to be with likes me.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Cruiser -That has to be one of my worst typos yet! lol

ucme's avatar

@Just_Justine It is a personality trait is it not for some men to sleep around, for want of a better phrase.What I was getting at was that being in a long term committed relationship kinda changes that for the better.Besides which dick & I are very close. I wouldn’t want him to be kicked around.

Frankie's avatar

@ucme I don’t think sleeping around is a personality trait…one can have a flirtatious personality, but a promiscuous personality? That’s more of a behavior, as is cheating.

ucme's avatar

@Frankie Yeah you’re right of course.Not the first time nor the last that dick & I have put our foot in it.Anyway I agree & I humbly stand corrected ;¬}

Cruiser's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille I make that same typo mistake all the time NOT!! lol! ;;;;D

wilma's avatar

I have changed some behaviors for my SO, but my personality traits? no.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Cruiser -You just speak in the secret language of twins.Stop that shit,right now! lol!

CMaz's avatar

The ones I would be willing to change.

Depends on the person. How can you not love me for who I am? ;-)

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I might be inclined to change things about myself which I already consider to be flaws. (I’m the world’s second-worst housekeeper; after having my brother as a house guest for much of the past 12 months I know I’m not the worst.) But I’m not about to change basic parts of my personality that have gotten me alive to where I am. I doubt that I even could.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@Cruiser okay: Abracadabra, you’re @lucillelucillelucille.

Let’s see you pull that off.

Shae's avatar

@CyanoticWasp you also have weird ideas of what makes a fun vacation….just saying.

Cruiser's avatar

@CyanoticWasp Thanks!!! These are kind cool and cute!! Wheee!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Cruiser -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4VUN5s9SAI
@CyanoticWasp -He won’t quit taking my clothes.

Cruiser's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille And you are not getting the black sweater dress back or these either!! How do you not shower all-day-long??

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@Cruiser-I’m not that dirty.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’m working on the part of me that doesn’t want to ask emotionally delicate questions just in case the answers could be horribly disappointing.

cockswain's avatar

A much shorter memory would be nice

Scooby's avatar

Nope not a one, I’m too set in my ways now to change, besides I have a lot of friends who just like me for being me, my cats too, they’re none judgemental also so I’m happy as I am thanks! ;-)

Exhausted's avatar

It makes much more sense, when you go to the store, to purchase the item you really want, not buy a close facsimile and try to make it into what you want when you get it home. It would not be possible to find someone that did not have any undesirable personality traits, but finding someone that has some that you can easily tolerate is better than trying to change who the person is for your benefit.

wundayatta's avatar

@Exhausted Come on now. Have you never made alterations to an article of clothing you bought off the rack?

wundayatta's avatar

What I don’t understand is why there is all this talk of someone else changing or us changing. Whatever happened to adaptation to differences? It’s not like we don’t do that in all other aspects of our lives. Why do we expect love relationships to be perfect?

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@wundayatta ”... and they lived happily ever after.”

That’s why.

definitive's avatar

It depends on what level of change is expected…and how extreme the expectation!

Communication is an imperative factor in any relationship so it there is room to compromise and ‘meet in the middle’ then that’s all well and good.

If a person changes because that is what is needed to hold onto that relationship and the change isn’t what they really want and causing them mental distress then it’s probably time to call it a day and move on.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Change my personality? Behaviors I can understand. But for a guy to want me to change my personality shows me that the guy doesn’t want me, he wants someone else and he should probably either accept me as is or go.

I am who I am.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@aprilsimnel you’re Popeye?

j0ey's avatar

Personality only goes so far….Personality may account for how we interpret different situations, how we interact with people, what we enjoy. Personality is pretty much impossible to change. So if I was with someone who wanted me to alter that..I would tell them where to go.

However, if I was with someone who thought I was selfish, or rude, or lazy etc…all of which are NOT really part of my personality, they are just me not being the kind of person I should be… Then, YES I would do my best to change something like that.

So I guess I would try and be a better person for someone, but i wouldn’t change any part of my personality..

neverawake's avatar

notttt a one.

stardust's avatar

None! All of the fun rolled up in the bun is what makes me mee! If they can’t appreciate that, then.. au revoir

Draconess25's avatar

Well, they both want me to stop having panic attacks when I worry about them…...but I can’t really help it…......

phillis's avatar

I’m assuming you don’t necessarily mean actual personality changes, but perhaps something that could use improvement? If my husband had any concept of time whatsoever, that would be fantastic! Waiting an hour (or longer) due to his gross miscalculations gets really, really old. It’s a cultural difference that may never change, and I can’t bring myself to lie to him and tell him an event happens hours earlier than it’s scheduled to take place. SOme things have to be taken in stride. Loooooong strides.

Exhausted's avatar

@wundayatta – not if I took the time to try it on first.

kess's avatar

To answer this question will result in one of two situations.

To prejudge a situation thus if it arises to risk approaching it with a bias contrary to the demands of the true circumstances. Or.

To admit I indeed have a flaw that needs fixing, and if that is so then why wait till marriage to start making adjustments?

The better approach is to be committed to do what is proper and right as each situation presents itself.

aprilsimnel's avatar

@CyanoticWasp – Well, while I do like spinach, I don’t have those bulky forearms, both my eyes work, I haven’t the least interest in the likes of Olive Oyl and I’m much too small to take on Bluto, so I’m gonna say no. Not Popeye. But I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a cheeseburger today.

vbabe96's avatar

Maybe it’s because of my age but I really believe that no one should change who they are based on their relationship. You cannot change who you are because then you are becoming what the other person wants and not yourself. Your traits make you who you are and ever single trait makes us unique individuals. So I would never change for a relationship because I would feel the person didn’t want to be with the real me.

shpadoinkle_sue's avatar

I can’t relax very well, if at all. So if someone wants to change that, alright. Other than that, nothing.

Just_Justine's avatar

I know the question seemed ludicrous but it is surprising how many people do want other to change personality traits. So I thought the answers were interesting :)

Sophief's avatar

Whatever he wanted me to change. Though he has never said he wanted me to, I asked him if there is anything he would want me to change, he said no.

Just_Justine's avatar

@Dibley would you change it then? if he had said yes? Or would it depend on which one?

Sophief's avatar

@Just_Justine I would of changed it, whatever it were.

Sophief's avatar

@Just_Justine Although saying that, all my ex’s wanted me to be nicer to them and so I did the opposite. I’m a completely different person in this relationship.

Just_Justine's avatar

@Dibley I know! I find you fascinating to be honest. (In a nice way of course).

Coloma's avatar

I think as we get older we are less interested in modifying anything about ourselves for others.

I would be willing to moderate say, my high morning energy for one who needs more quiet time upon awakening. Small considerations but not morphing into anothers idea of how I ‘should’ be.

Acceptance is where it’s at.

One huge ‘requirement’ for me in all my relationships is emotional maturity, self awareness and the ability to communicate honestly and directly. I will waste not a moment anymore in attempting to coax out someones feelings…if you can’t express yourself beyond a 6 yr. old level, well…...don’t let the door hit ya in the ass on the way out! lolololol

Sophief's avatar

@Just_Justine Thanks. If my ex saw me now he’d think wtf happened to her, she is being nice. I was the bitch from hell to him.

Coloma's avatar

@phillis

Maybe your husband is just passive aggressive! lololol

OMG! Thats the WORST personality flaw EVER! hahahahaha

( I’m just being silly, not saying thats true…but? ) lolol

Just_Justine's avatar

@Dibley what is different between the two men (if it’s not too personal). That made you change?

phillis's avatar

@Coloma Love the humor! But no, it isn’t p-a. He’s freaking Mexican,and in Mexico, their concept of time is nothing like ours.

For instance, here in the U.S., you schedule a doctor’s appointment, right? Depending on the doctor, the appointment could be anywhere from a few days later, to a few months, right? No so in Mexico! They travel in packs, first of all. It doesn’t matter WHAT you’re doing, you’ll be doing it with a group of them. They all pile into the car (or bus, in many cases), andhead to the doctor’s office. No appointment needed…..they wait all day! If the doctor can’t see you on that day, why, you just go back the next day. No problem!

He has YET to fully comprehend that everybody is crunched for time here. He’s gotten better, but boy, it is a process, that’s for sure.

Coloma's avatar

@phillis

Hahaha…wow…I never would have thought about the culture dif. when it came to time.
Interesting. :-)

My ex husband was incredibly P.A. .....jeez…..always conveiniently ‘forgetting’, running late, forgetting, forgetting, forgetting…....lolol

Sophief's avatar

@Just_Justine The difference is everything. They are two different people. I was never in love with my ex, I was never really attracted to him. He annoyed me and the relationship wan’t important. I am so in love now, and so very attracted to him, and the relationship means everything. Plus, I don’t feel I want that old person back. It is nice to be nice. I thought I was just a bitch by nature, now I know I’m not.

downtide's avatar

I don’t believe it’s even possible to change your personality. You can change behaviours associated with personality but I think changing personality itself is very rare – at best you can only suppress it. If my partner needed me to change a fundamental aspect of my personality in order to have a relationship with me, I would be looking for a different partner. Someone who appreciates me the way I am.

tearsxsolitude's avatar

I shouldn’t have to change who I am. If they don’t like me for who I am then I won’t be happy with them and it’s not worth it. They should love me for who I am and not want to change anything about me.

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