General Question

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

How can I convince my boyfriend to marry me?

Asked by Lothloriengaladriel (1542 points ) March 19th, 2010

I’m 5 months pregnant, and I really want us all to be a family and share the same last name, and live together, raise the baby together…I don’t think marriage was in his plans right now, Mostly because he’s leaving for the military soon and he’s quite young. Any advice? I don’t want to force him, I just want him to realize that it wouldn’t be a bad thing.

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44 Answers

trailsillustrated's avatar

its called ultimatum

CMaz's avatar

Look him straight in the eyes and say…

“That’s right.. Why buy the cow, when the milk is free?”

CMaz's avatar

Not being rude. My ex wife used that line on me and it worked.

cazzie's avatar

Lothlorien,

I take it you live in the US? When it comes to marriage, I’m a bit pragmatic. By marrying you, and if he’s enlisted in the military, he is confirming you as his partner and the baby as his, so that gives you certain rights as dependants, right? If he marries you legally, then this gives you rights under US law as the spouse of a service man. (at least that is what it was like when my mother was the wife of a serviceman).

I think it would be the ‘right’ thing to do as you are carrying his child, but I only have a ‘keyhole’ look at the situation… these things are always more complex than a paragraph or two on the internet.

I wish you all the best.

trailsillustrated's avatar

@cazzie is right, he has an obligation to feed and house his family, and as a serviceman he has other benefits that as dependants you would get. You need to make your feelings known to him, cause life with not much money and a baby is really hard

theichibun's avatar

If you have to convince him to marry you, then you shouldn’t be married. End of story. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, doesn’t matter about the kid, anything. If he doesn’t want to do it then you don’t want to be with him in that kind of relationship.

hug_of_war's avatar

He should come to the decision in his own time. Marriage isn’t something to take lightly, And I don’t say this to be patronizing but because it might put undue pressure on him to do something he’s not ready for. If you are unsure if he’s ready or not why don’t you sit down and discuss how he feels about it.

Trillian's avatar

If you have to “convince” him to marry you, it will probably end in tears.

Likeradar's avatar

Is this the same guy you’ve asked other questions about? The one who is cheating on you? And now you want to talk him into marriage?

Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with and raise your child someone you have to “convince” to marry you? You should be with someone who is excited to marry you. Please don’t do this to yourself, or to him.

cazzie's avatar

He should speak to his commanding officer for advice. If he doesn’t marry you, you’ll have to sue him for support for the child and then he has to deal with that. It’s a horrible set of affairs that can ruin a relationship, but if he is hesitant… especially with your pregnant and him getting ready to deploy….. You can decide to be patient or you can wake him up to the life and death realities he’s actually dealing with. You are giving birth to HIS child and a new life. He is facing a risk that most people never have to deal with in their lives, by acting in defence of his country.
You both have choices to make. None are easy. Marriage is a huge commitment, but people do it all the time.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

@Likeradar yes it is the same guy, I understand but we’ve never actually discussed it either so I don’t know how he feels about it, I think I worded this question wrong, I think I mean more of how can I approach the question of marriage with my boyfriend by letting him know I want to marry him.

Likeradar's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel I think you missed my point, which is why on earth do you want to marry a man boy who is cheating on you, especially while you’re pregnant?

He knows you’re pregnant, right? He knows he’s going to be deployed, right? And he hasn’t considered marriage with his child’s mother yet? Ok…

But if this is something you really think is a good choice for you, try “Babe, this is a hard conversation, but with your military deployment coming up, let’s talk about what we can do to ensure the baby has a secure future.”

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

@Likeradar thank you for your answers (: I guess I really shouldn’t want to marry him, He has recently admitted his mistakes and I have forgiven him on top of it he is the father of my unborn child and i love him and I want to do this together and what I think is “the right thing to do” he’s an amazing boyfriend besides the the mistakes he’s made, and not wanting the baby at first which I suppose I understand, He’s only about to turn 19 but I also feel if you are ready to make a choice of dying for your country that you should be able to commit to one women for a lifetime.

cheebdragon's avatar

Forcing someone to marry you….What could possibly go wrong?

gailcalled's avatar

—he’s an amazing boyfriend besides the the mistakes he’s made, and not wanting the baby at first which I suppose I understand,—-

This is not very encouraging information. I assume you are also young. Was the pregnancy planned?

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

@gailcalled I’ve just always heard that all men get nervous about such a large responsibility, Even men in their 30’s. I’m 24 and it was not a planned pregnancy

Likeradar's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel I hope your plans work out for you.

You’re not asking my opinion, but I’m sharing it anyway. You seem blinded by “love” and are setting yourself up for a shitstorm. An amazing boyfriend does not cheat on his child’s mother. Many men get nervous about a baby. The smart, quality men don’t let the nervousness have anything to do with wanting the baby or sticking their dicks in other women. Seems to me like he has shown you who is really is and you’re making the choice to ignore it.

zandrace's avatar

To be honest, if he’s cheated on you once, when he goes into the military it’s going to happen again.

There plenty of good guys out there.

Your in a tough position right now, but don’t throw all your eggs in one (unsecure) basket.

gailcalled's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel : He’s not a man but a boy. Lust and good sex do not equate to maturity and decency

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

@Likeradar you’re right, thank you.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

@zandrace yes that’s true, I’m sure there are 100’s of men out there that could treat me a million times better but I don’t believe in step fathers, I want him in his childs life.

gailcalled's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel: We know what you want. What does he?

Likeradar's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel You don’t believe in stepfathers? Do you “believe” in committing your life to a man you don’t trust and may never be able to? Do you believe in staying up late and wondering where your husband is? Do you believe in having that sinking feeling in your gut when he walks out the door? Do you believe in the possible STDs you could catch from his affairs? Do you believe in showing your child that he or she is not worth being treated as well as possible? He can still very much be in his child’s life without marriage.

funkdaddy's avatar

This is heartbreaking… and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

I’ve read your other questions and it seems you’re really trying hard to believe in your boyfriend, and that’s admirable and something that is necessary in a relationship but you seem be overlooking a few things that are obvious from the outside, but might not be from within the relationship.

1) Your boyfriend may be a good man someday, but he is not right now. Either due to lack of maturity or morals, he’s not making his decisions based on “doing the right thing” so you should stop expecting him to, take his actions at face value.
2) Your boyfriend is doing everything he can to push you away. He’s leaving in every material way, he’s not looking for ways to help, he’s looking for ways out.
3) You are about to have a baby and even if he isn’t there, you’re going to be responsible for a tiny, helpless, and very innocent life. You should start planning for that and how you’re going to take care of it. If your support system is his parents, then it’s time to tell them and see if they can help. If your support system is your parents or friends, other family members, or even a good daycare you need to start lining those things up now. He’s leaving, he may send you a check, he may come back one day, he may grow up at some point and take responsibility, but that’s not where his thoughts or actions are right now. He’s found a way out and he’s making sure not to get tied down before he goes. He may be confused, sad and even sorry about it, but he’s not changing it.

If you want to leave the door open for him, that’s your choice, but find a way to take care of the baby and yourself, those are your first responsibilities.

I hope you find everything you need.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

@gailcalled I don’t know, I haven’t figured out how to ask him yet. hm ):

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

@funkdaddy thank you that was very encouraging.

Idknown's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel
Let me start by saying – I am sorry for the situation you are in right now. But I am sensing that you are determined to keep the baby – in which case I will fashion my advice to you accordingly.

“He’s only about to turn 19 but I also feel if you are ready to make a choice of dying for your country that you should be able to commit to one women for a lifetime.”

I personally think a 19 year old is too young. If you are trying to get a 19 year old to agree to marriage – you might have a hard time doing so. Men don’t mature as fast as men in terms of warming up to marriage.

Trying not to repeat anything others have said – it seems like what you want is not what he wants. If you want to push it – ask him what he wants. It seems he doesn’t want to take responsibility – but prove me, and others here wrong. But most of all – prove it to yourself.

Funkdaddy is right – you have your priorities to take care of yourself and your unborn child first. You have certain legal rights to make him accountable, and I know you rather not go that route – but it is a real possibility. Please arrange your cards so that if need be, you are able and ready to take that route.

That is all I have for you based on your question.

If you are interested in my general advice, please send me a PM.

Good luck.

Rangie's avatar

ChazMaz hit the nail on the head. Keyword here is exwife. These kinds of things usually don’t work out. Quite frankly, this is not all his fault. I would say you made a choice without stopping to think about the consequences. You alone could have prevented this from happening, unless he raped you and I am sure that didn’t happen by the way you talk. How old are you? My advise would be, don’t press it, time will work it out one way or another. You need to concentrate on what YOU are going to do now. I’m sorry, but you play you often pay.

phil196662's avatar

Have you tried the direct approach- Communication! Make a nice meal and then tell him you will miss him while he is away and btw if I have the baby I want him/ her to have your last name and also btw I did some research and there are lots of benefits we would be able to use as a military wife/ couple while your gone. I understand we didn’t plan this but perhaps this might be the best thing considering the current situation that I am carrying your baby- and b e sure to tell him you love him and will miss him.

And btw- I hope the pregnancy is going well!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’m in agreement with @theichibun in that I know I wouldn’t want anyone to choose me for any reason other than their love for and want of a future with me. You are pregnant and you are keeping the child so I assume he also wants it which means he wants to be a father but necessarily a husband. I know far too many people who married because of pregnancy and even if there was love, they married mainly for the idea of a family unitl and none of those couples made it. Choosing to become married shouldn’t be out of pity, perceived obligation, gratitude, inpatience (no one better’s come along) or default (couldn’t get who you really wanted).

gailcalled's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel: I am really surprised that you are now five months pregnant and have not yet been able to talk to him about his feelings about fathering a child. Surely if he had something grown-up to say, he would have already said it. He knows you’re pregnant; his silence and his behavior are telling you something very powerful. Start to listen.

I don’t know. I haven’t figured out how to ask him yet. hm ):

It seems to me you already have your answer. Reread the wisdom of @likeradar and @funkdaddy. They have summed the situation up best. You are going to become more and more pregnant and before you know it, the baby will be born.

Stop wasting your energy on this boy and make sane and reliable plans for the next year or so.

cak's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel I wouldn’t say all men get nervous about the responsibility. My husband was so excited and ready. There wasn’t a moment of hesitation during the pregnancy. No, not all men feel this way.

@Likeradar and @funkdaddy are on the right track. Also, @gailcalled. Clearly, he isn’t getting the big picture yet, and it’s not likely that he’s going to be on the same page as you in the near future.

Oh, and the notion of being together because you want to “do the right thing.” Yeah, that isn’t always the right thing. I stayed married to my first husband with that same idea. Sure, he was living in the same house, but he wasn’t “there” for us – it was a place to hang his coat. Sometimes, it’s really not the right thing. Don’t lock yourself into that belief just because you are pregnant.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Both parties involved should want a marriage, should consider a marriage something to not be talked into and definitely consider it in general if there is a baby and it’s something you believe in. You should talk to your partner but there are many red flags I see and I am sorry he’s leaving when you’ll have your baby – it will be hard.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

I haven’t been completely quiet about expressing my feelings, I’ll make little comments such as: “Im going with you after you get out of bootcamp” in which he will respond with “ok, come then” then later on he will make comments like “you have to get an apartment or something because you can’t live with me in the baraks” (because we’re not married) Sometimes I’ll say “We’re going to get married” and he will simply say “ok” I dont ask him directly if he WANTS to get married because I don’t want to be disapointed.

He also still has very strong feelings for his ex who he was engaged to and they were together about 5 years oh and still speaks to everyday basically, We got into a relationship while they were still in a relationship because I was never told of her and had to find out through one of his online profiles where she has hers pretty much dedicated to him and their relationship, and about a week ago she came down to visit in our state (because she moved out of state a few months ago) he saw her and lied about it, I knew she was coming into town before hand and asked him several times before that date if he had plans to see her, he lied and lied, though he did and I found out, still lied until I showed him visual proof that I knew, He says he just saw her and they spoke, that nothing happened, and that he doesn’t have plans of seeing her again but I hope you understand why I’m hesitant, I want to tell him what I want but I’m also scared he doesn’t feel like I’m the one he wants, I also feel he still has plans to be with his ex.

meagan's avatar

Divorces are very expensive. Wait it out. But until then… make sure you get child support !!!

gailcalled's avatar

He’s 19 and had been engaged to a woman for five years. That would have made him 14.

And he speaks to her almost everyday,

You found out about her from one of his online profiles and not from him.

He lied, he lied and lied, and still lied. I’m hesitant, I’m scared, I also feel he still has plans to be with his ex.

Sorry, but you should be concentrating your energy on you and the baby. I am sure you are not as slow a learner as you appear to be. You already have your answer. Little comments are not suitable for life-altering decisions, particularly when they involve a baby, who will be a toddler, then a 6 year old, teen-ager and adult.

With the mind-set you are showing us here, you are doomed to disappointment. You are giving him all the power. Remember that baby.

Likeradar's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel Remember when you said he’s an “amazing” boyfriend just a few hours ago? And then you post that last answer?
It’s time for you to be honest with yourself and think clearly. I seriously doubt there’s anything any of us could tell you that you don’t already know. What are you looking for here? You know what you should be doing. Even if you don’t believe you’re worth more, I hope you know your child is.

gailcalled's avatar

@Likeradar: Save your breath. She doesn’t want good advice. She wants access to a mythical magic wand.

Likeradar's avatar

@gailcalled Yeah. :( I’ve slowly come to realize that, especially after the latest question. Oh well. She made her bed, I hope she finds a way to realize she doesn’t need to lay in it forever.

Jack79's avatar

Too late now. Gotta find some other sucker to trick. This one’s too smart to fool.

mattbrowne's avatar

As soon as you stop convincing him.

Idknown's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel There’s too many great people out there for your or anyone in an unhappy relationship to be bothered with. He doesn’t seem like the one for you. You can’t have a relationship without trust, and you clearly don’t trust him (he has shown you good reason not to).

I know you never asked, but you are approaching your go/no go date on your unborn child.

Take a good look at your life and consider what you want from it and whether or not this is what you want, and when you want it. You owe it to yourself, your parents, and your potential child that you give this some thought.

Even if he doesn’t take responsibility – you need to.

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