Social Question

poofandmook's avatar

What is it about certain girls that draws them to gay guys, and draws gay guys to them?

Asked by poofandmook (17212 points ) May 23rd, 2010

I don’t generally like to use the term “fag hag” because I hate using that F word in any way, but since just about everyone knows what that means, it’s easier than typing it all out.

For example, my friend Shannon and I are drawn to gay men. It seems like every time we really click with a guy on a friendship level, they turn out to be gay. Our best friends are gay men. And we seem to attract them too; whenever we go out with our gay male friends, it always seems like we’re the center of attention. Gay men love us. It’s not something we do intentionally, but we’re never surprised to find out that the guy we’ve been getting along with so well is gay.

What is the connection? It’s not that we both like the same types of men, as our gay friends, because it’s almost never the case. Neither of us can be considered boyish or feminine; we’re a nice mix of both. Maybe that’s it?

And also, likewise, what is the connection between gay guys and larger women? I ask this both from experience (Shannon and I are both not thin) and observance. I mean, look at Glee. Who is Kurt’s best friend in glee club? Mercedes.

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21 Answers

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I happen to be a gay man, so I have a bit of experience with this. It’s my experience that some women become close friends with gay men, because we are not a sexual threat to them. We are “safe” to be around, and the women don’t have to put up their normal defenses with us.

Likewise, gay men can be attracted to women as friends, because women don’t come with the sexual baggage that other gay men do. For better or worse, most gay men look at other gay men as potential sexual partners. We’re always sizing each other up as “interesting” or “worth a try” or “hot!”

But human relationships are difficult to define. It might be that some women are attracted to gay men because we’re fun to be around.

gemiwing's avatar

I always chafed at the term ‘fag hag’ as well- because I feel it’s been used incorrectly in most cases. Women who like hanging out with gay men aren’t fag hags, they simply like engaging in the gay community and the relaxed sexual tension/ judgment that would normally be flung their way in the hetero community.

I think it’s about safety and being able to really relax and just enjoy someone’s company without worrying about the sexual side of social interaction.

For someone to be a fag hag- IMO, it is more about hanging out with gay men hoping they will change and find the woman attractive. She doesn’t feel attractive in the normal interactions (sexually) of her chosen pool, so she tries the waters of the gay pool. Some hope that they will actually change these men and thus prove once and for all, her sexual power as a female. This usually shows up in people with quite low self-esteem and delusional thinking- it simply manifests itself as ‘fag hag’.

I think most women who enjoy the company of gay men simply enjoy it for the freedom it brings. Freedom to talk about subjects that normally wouldn’t be acceptable in a male/female typical dynamic. I can tell my gay boys about my cramps- that’s not something most of my hetero guys would appreciate hearing. (just for a simple example)

Gay men enjoy women for the same reasons, I assume. How often does a guy have the freedom to talk about emotions without some sort of silent ridicule or judgment of his prowess or being labeled a drama queen?

I think of it in terms of nature- it’s a symbiotic relationship. Both parties win.

Silhouette's avatar

I’m drawn to gay men and women because I’m very fond of brave, authentic people and I think you have to be a bit of both to be openly gay in today’s society. I respect them. They are drawn to me because they know I respect them.

IBERnineD's avatar

@gemiwing is correct on the definition of a “faghag”, it often has a bad connotation, and unfortunately I know many women who are friends with gay men they believe they could actually end up with.

As for me the majority of my male friends are gay, my friends (straight ones included) have a joke that I attract gay men, they can sense me miles away. My father came out to the family when I was in 3rd grade, so I have been around the gay community for a long time, I met his friends etc. Then I went into a sport that is dominated by gay men (WGI) and all of my male authority figures, like my coaches (seven out of 11 of them to be exact) were gay men. I was and still am extremely close with all of them. They raised me to be confident, sassy, and to become a diva (the good kind!), I mean I had to perform shows. Well, that mentality leaked into my real life, so I love being around strong personality types who are confident in who they are. A lot of my gay friends also appreciate that I’m not the type who secretly wants to date them, in fact I have a friend who is particularly attractive and once tried to get me to do something by essentially trying to seduce me, and I laughed at him, instead of responding.

As for being able to discuss my period cramps, I’ve never been able to do that, they still cringe. And I’m not a large girl, although I am definitely curvy with an hour glass shape, so definitely not thin. I don’t know if that has a factor though, however I have had many gay friends appreciate my body like any straight male would. So, who knows.

Oh, and as for something better to call yourself, my gay friends came up with and dubbed me a “Queer Queen”, since to them it has better connotations. You should use that!

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Being fabulous!

filmfann's avatar

Paging Liza Minelli. Liza Minelli to the White Courtesy Phone.

DominicX's avatar

My friend Lindsay explained to me why she, as a straight girl, likes hanging around with gay guys, like me (although she was friends with me before she found out I was gay). In addition to the fact that a gay guy wouldn’t be sexually attracted to her and so she doesn’t have to worry about possible relationship drama and sexual advances and awkwardness, she finds that she often has a lot in common with gay guys. It’s nice to talk to other girls about guys that I think are attractive. I don’t really know any other gay guys besides my boyfriend, so I really have no one to talk to about that kind of thing other than straight girls.

Also, a gay guy is not just a girl with a penis. Sometimes girls want to talk to a guy who knows what it’s like being a guy, but she can connect with him on another level because they’re both attracted to the same gender. I hear so much about how straight guys and girls can’t be “just friends” and I think many people have that attitude from the beginning. Maybe a girl wants to be “just friends” with a guy and this is an easy way for it to happen (I’m not saying that straight guys and girls can’t be just friends, that’s absurd and I know some that are. But it’s harder, especially when people already have that attitude).

I’m also going to be honest that I fit many stereotypes of effeminate gay guys, so when it comes to things like musicals, fashion, and interior design, it’s more likely that straight girls are going to share my interests than straight guys.

@IBERnineD

True about periods. lol. As soon as the girls start talking about cramps and panties and bras, they kind of lose me a bit. :P

@Silhouette You’re awesome. :)

IBERnineD's avatar

@DominicX I should have videotaped the expressions on some of my friends faces when another friend of ours directed the Vagina Monologues and we all went to support her. Needless to say they were traumatized afterwards.

gemiwing's avatar

@DominicX Excellent point that gay men aren’t women with penises. I think that point can be lost in the shuffle and has the effect of neutering a gay man.

@all
I think it’s hard to describe the phenomenon (can’t think of a better word right now) of straight women and gay men. Especially when none of my gay men friends decorate, listen to musicals/Cher etc. We talk about cars, family, kids, gay rights and work so the usual ‘women hanging out with men who share their ‘womanly interests’ argument doesn’t really work for our group. Then again- we all enjoy being a bit odd.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I’ll just say there there are plenty of men in the gay community (just like in the straight community) that I do not (at all) want to hang out with – I think that the whole ‘attracting gay men’ if you’re a girl doesn’t have any actual inherent truth to it – just that you’ve had an experience once with someone gay and you felt comfortable and the next time around you meet someone who’s also gay, you feel more open and a friendship is more likely to happen – it’s not a mystery, nor is it a must.

IBERnineD's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I agree completely that’s why the whole “attracting gay men” is a joke with my friends and I.

poofandmook's avatar

I’m like @IBERnineD… Shannon and I joke that if there are 100 men in a room with the two of us, and one of them is gay, he’ll inevitably be the one we talk to first… and sort of vice versa. It is a joke with us too, but there wouldn’t be a joke if there wasn’t some pattern to base it off of.

It’s not a matter of feeling comfortable the next time I meet someone gay. It always seems like if we meet a group of guys, the ones we click with are gay. I don’t mean we know that they’re gay so we click with them. We find out later, or after some conversation. It’s like they send out some vibe that we’re attracted to, though we don’t know what or why. That’s why I think @gemiwing was right when she referred to it as a phenomenon. It’s a coincidence that’s happened too many times to not appear a bit odd.

majorrich's avatar

Fashion tips and Decorating advice.

poofandmook's avatar

@majorrich: I don’t care about either of those things :P

Chongalicious's avatar

Awww, my friend Norman calls me his fag hag <3
Haha but I think it’s just an understanding between certain women and gay men. Certain women being those who are not afraid of being themselves, who are out there, not reserved about everything; because to be openly gay, you have to have courage; and this is what some of us girls and gay men have in common :)

MissA's avatar

It’s all who you open your heart up to. The gays I’ve met are some of the sweetest people on the planet. My mother was gay.

majorrich's avatar

That’s what my brother-in-law does for my sister.

tranquilsea's avatar

I grew up amongst some who were vehement gay bashers and their attitude really angered and perplexed me. I couldn’t understand why they cared so much.

In my grade 12 year I ended up gathering a group of guys around me, as friends, who never hit on me. It was a welcome feeling and they were/are great guys. I didn’t find out until later that they were in the closet still but I suspected they were. I had a great time with them. We laughed and joked and talked about everything. Then I lost touch with them after I graduated.

I spent the next ten or so years in heterosexual land and I pretty much stopped talking to guys because of all the sexual tension. That was hard because my interests tend to run along what some people would consider male interests (although most of the women in my family have the same or similar ones). My hubby ended up working with a lot of gay men as one of the company’s recruiters was gay and he hired a lot of guys that knew. We got to know a few of them and we’ve been to a few gay parties that have been enormously fun.

I would agree with what others have stated. There is no worrying over whether a gay man is going to take my interest in him as sexual and I don’t have to worry about being hit on. I can just be me.

GracieT's avatar

When I was a part of the Lesbian and Gay alliance at college I (a straight woman) was one of the 5% of the officers whom happened to be straight. The president was a lesbian and the vice president was a gay man, but the rest of us that were officers were straight. Like the other posters have mentioned, the main reason for me to prefer being around gay men is that I like them and I don’t have to worry that they will hit on me. It’s not like I ask a person’s sexual orientation (except for my husband!) before I become interested. I think that it is just that people that I am friends with, people whom have personalities I find attractive, are often gay.

SecondHandStoke's avatar

The same thing that draws certain girls to cats.

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