General Question

chelseababyy's avatar

Sex Question. What do I do?

Asked by chelseababyy (7921 points ) March 29th, 2009

So my boyfriends been watching a lot of porn lately, which I could care less about, because I do too. Here’s the thing.. He’s been watching all this porn, yet never has sex with me.. What’s up with that?

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102 Answers

PupnTaco's avatar

Ask him what the deal is.

Mr_M's avatar

Seriously, ASK him. Between this and your last question, you seem to fear talking openly with him. Why?

THEN you can do me!!!

adreamofautumn's avatar

I agree with PupnTaco. Talking to him is your best bet.

Zer0's avatar

Dump the douchebag.

chelseababyy's avatar

Yeah, that’s what I was gonna do. It’s just kind of.. weird, you know? I watch porn as much as the next person, but I also (try) to have sex with him. It’s not like I’m choosing one over the other, you know?

KrystaElyse's avatar

Have you tried initiating the sex?

hug_of_war's avatar

Sometimes being in a relationship means talking about things that are difficult.

chelseababyy's avatar

@KrystaElyse Yep, just about.. two nights ago. He wasn’t having it.

Zer0's avatar

Is he gay?

qubozik's avatar

Yeah, sounds odd to me. I would talk to him. He may be getting desensitized by all the porn he watches, or there is something more serious going on. Possibly, some things that happen in porn is only what turns him on. Which could be bad depending on what porn he watches.

chelseababyy's avatar

He watches (from what I’ve seen on the computer) porn with chicks with big butts. And unfortunately for me, I’m lacking in that dept. Although I make up for it by being top-heavy. Still..

Zer0's avatar

It sounds like performance anxiety.

chelseababyy's avatar

@Zer0 I’ve thought of that, when we FIRST got together, I knew that was happening, but it hasn’t happened for a hell of a long time. Over a year since that’s happened.

cak's avatar

@chelseababyy – It is time to talk to him. Is he under a lot of stress? Anything going on in his world that is preoccupying him? Look at the big picture, see if there is something that could factor in, but don’t dismiss this – ask if there is something going on. He’s your boyfriend, obviously you care about him enough to want to know what is going on. Now, take the hard step to discuss this with him.

Blondesjon's avatar

He’s cheating on you.

qubozik's avatar

Nah I wouldn’t worry about that. That kind of stuff doesn’t matter that much to a guy. He might digg it, but it wouldn’t mean he doesn’t want you either. I really think you should just talk to him. I think that would solve everything.

KrystaElyse's avatar

@Blondesjon – How can you know that for sure?

chelseababyy's avatar

@Blondesjon I highly doubt that’s the case. If he’s not home with me, he’s working, and after work, he comes straight home.

Kelly27's avatar

Is he possibly having issues with ED?
He may be having problems getting up or staying up.

qubozik's avatar

I think you should try to initiate sex again… and if he denies it, it would be a good time to ask him what is going on. In a caring concerned way of course.

chelseababyy's avatar

@qubozik I think that’s a good idea.

Darwin's avatar

What @qubozik said. Make sure he knows you love him, though.

qubozik's avatar

Thank you, I wish the best for you though. Sex can complicate relationships very much.

chelseababyy's avatar

@qubozik Thank you much. You’re right. It can. I went through a lot in my last relationship, and still, this is all new to me.

Zer0's avatar

He may think the sex with you has to resemble one of the hot and heavy porn flicks he’s been watching.

westy81585's avatar

Try initiating it with him, but like blatantly obviously. I had an issue with an X a while back where I complained she didn’t initiate at all, and she listed times she had tried… But none of the times did I even realize it cuz it was like subtle little hints.

We don’t pick up on that all the time. I mean seriously, like ask him (and excuse the vulgarity) “sooo what do I have to do to get you to fuck me?” .... while maybe wearing something he’ll like and in a sexual tone…..... If that doesn’t work, then i dunno.

Maybe watch the porn with him? That has always lead to more fun things when I did it with a girl…

Blondesjon's avatar

If he’s more interested in porn than he is in you he is either cheating or has someone in mind. I don’t say this to argue. He is showing major signs of disinterest and that is usually a warning sign.

chelseababyy's avatar

@Zer0 If that’s the case I wish he’d tell me. He’s WAY more reserved than I am when it comes to sex. I’m down for almost everything.

qubozik's avatar

@chelseababyy You’re welcome. I wen through the same type of thing, too. It will work out, just of all things do not make yourself feel bad and you will be fine.

LuvBubble's avatar

You had stated that your boyfriend is watching alot of porn. With that being said, the first thing that pops into my mind is that maybe he’s getting bored with your “routine”. Try doing something that you wouldn’t normally do, but make sure its still within your “comfort zone”. Just keep in mind the only way your going to get your question answered, is to ask him what the issue is.

chelseababyy's avatar

@westy81585 I see what you’re saying. When I tell you I am ALWAYS the one that initiates, I’m not even close to over exaggerating. And when I do initiate, it’s not subtle. It’s full on hands down his pants.

chelseababyy's avatar

@Blondesjon With cheating, I don’t think that’s it. With having someone else in mind, I have no idea. You could be right.

And like I said, he’s way more reserved, he’d be like.. embarrassed to watch porn with me.

LuvBubble's avatar

Lemme rephrase one thing. When I said (Your Routine) I didn’t mean you specifically, I meant your, as in, you and him.

chelseababyy's avatar

Another problem is this: He gets off, wayyy fast, so even if I wanted to try something new, I don’t think it would be anymore exciting. However I WILL try that.

Zer0's avatar

Does he drink much?

westy81585's avatar

@chelseababyy Haha, then seriously I dunno. If a girl I was dating did that it would be on for sure. And as far as watching porn with a girl, it can be a bit embarrassing at first, cuz you’re not sure if she’ll “approve” of like the stuff you’re watching and whatnot. If you bring up that you want to watch it with him that might get it rolling. Just be open minded about anything he shows you in case he’s into something kinky or something.

Dunno though, girl with hands down my pants….. vs porn….. pretty clear winner in my book…

chelseababyy's avatar

@Zer0 Nope. But when he DOES that’s we DO have sex without problem.

LuvBubble's avatar

Not knowing how long you have been in the relationship, but another thing that comes to my mind is drug use. Does this person use recreational drugs? I know that sometimes, drug use can inhibit a libido, or even make anyone a “2 pump chump”.

chelseababyy's avatar

@westy81585 For sure. And I don’t think there’s any way he’s more kinkier than I am. No jokes.

chelseababyy's avatar

@LuvBubble No drugs. Whatsoever. I used to smoke pot and gave it up for him. He’s TOTALLY against that.

We’ve been together for a year and change.

westy81585's avatar

@chelseababyy Haha, well in that case, when you end up dumping this guy give me a call ;) .... lol…. No seriously though best of luck, I’m not sure what his deal is. Like the other person suggested it might be a good idea to just sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel. Just try your best not to offend his libido in the process (us guys can take that personally).

LuvBubble's avatar

@chelseababyy Ive been in the same situation as you currently. I know that after being with someone for a considerable amount of time, you get into “routines”. With that being said, the one thing that helped us was to experiment. Bringing a little excitement into the bedroom is only going to show a positive outcome.

chelseababyy's avatar

I’ve even texted him a time or two in the past two weeks saying..

“You know.. I really want you ;]”

And stuff like that. Has NO effect.

LuvBubble's avatar

Has anything changed that would make him not as sexually attracted to you?

_bob's avatar

Maybe he’s scared of knocking you up.

chelseababyy's avatar

@LuvBubble What do you mean?

LuvBubble's avatar

Can you pinpoint something prior to this change, that you think would have turned him off?

chelseababyy's avatar

I mean. I got my lip pierced, he wasn’t happy about it. But he also said it didn’t matter if I had it in or not, that it wouldn’t make a difference. And that was in October. We started having sex less and less starting in.. January.

LuvBubble's avatar

Did you experience any pregnancy scares? or have any past issues?

chelseababyy's avatar

@LuvBubble Another thing. I’m not sure if you read my other thread, but he’s been like on this chicks myspace staring at her slutty pictures constantly.

And with my ex, when I was 17, I had an abortion. But why all of the sudden this change?

Zer0's avatar

The guy’s eventually going to end up with one very sexually frustrated girlfriend. You look way too young and pretty to be in a relationship where you’re not getting everything you want and need.

chelseababyy's avatar

@Zer0 Thank you. And that’s exactly it. I’m not getting sex, and that’s not cool

LuvBubble's avatar

I read that post, but didn’t realize you had started it. I think you’ve answered your own question here. He’s gawking at some slut’s myspace with almost nude pics, and he’s watching alot more porn than he used to. I think you need to have a one on one session with him, and be straight up. Tell him that you’ve noticed a lot of changes, and that your not happy with them. Im sure you won’t have any issues finding someone who can satisfy you completely, and not just leave you to dry.

galileogirl's avatar

If the question is what do you do, the answer is do yourself. (or get another boyfriend).

chelseababyy's avatar

@LuvBubble Very true. And it sucks that is what it might have to come to.

@galileogirl I do myself enough already, and it’s kind of getting monotonous.

LuvBubble's avatar

@chelseababyy Good luck with your situation.

Zer0's avatar

Basically, he is forfeiting a sex life with you in favor of a sex life with pics and movies. This may mean that porn has other meanings for him. He sees it as something private, and possibly shameful, and doesn’t want to share it with you.

Let him know porn can be a turn-on for you as well. It can be an enhancement to your sex life, though it shouldn’t be a substitute for it.

HarmonyAlexandria's avatar

It’s hard getting into someone you don’t know’s head, but that’s a sign of boredom/dissatisfaction/escapism, but he’s unwilling or unable to let you go for one reason or another.

I have no idea why people continue to engage in that behaviour but they do.

willbrawn's avatar

Hit up LoDo and find someone who wants your bod

chelseababyy's avatar

@willbrawn Lets go have lunch

Amoebic's avatar

If he has a history of depression, that may also play a part.

There’s a million “what-ifs” out there we could come up with, but the essence of the situation is that he’s behaving selfishly, and needs to open up and talk to you if he wants to resolve this and be happy in the relationship. You seem open and willing to talk, compromise, and understand him, and I think he needs to man up and behave like a responsible part of your relationship.

Frankly, it sounds like he’s not interested anymore. You deserve better. Try to be understanding, open, kind regarding his anxieties or fears, but if he brushes you off and continues his neglectful behavior, move on. There are plenty of guys out there who would love to be with a woman who’s as straightforward and honest as hands all in the pants. And that’s just the playtime part; you seem very sensible and fun. I don’t think he realizes how good he has it!

Garebo's avatar

If you both didn’t you certainly would be more hungry for each other. He must have enough sexual value to you, and there always must be a buildup of sexual tension between you, that must be released. Porn only artificially releases the tension that should be focused towards each other.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

At least theres a good chance he wont be cheating on you?

wundayatta's avatar

People so often focus on the sex, as it that’s the issue. Sex, or lack thereof is a symptom. It signifies that something else is going on. Generally, a distancing between the couple.

Watching porn puts more distance between you two. He may be jerking off to it, and not really have much left when you want him. He may also be comparing himself to the beautiful, hard porn actors, and getting depressed when comparing himself to them.

However, I’ll bet there’s something else going on with him. Maybe a lack of a job, or he’s not doing well somewhere, or trouble with his relatives. I don’t know. It could be anything.

And between you two—obviously there’s tension. This can’t be recent. It must have been in the works for a while. Maybe there was a precipitating event (for us, it was the birth of our second child), or maybe it just started happening without noticing.

People are telling you to dump him, and that’s one way to go. However, if you love him, that’s hard. Therapy is another way to go, to try to identify and repair the damage. Or to help you part in a mutually agreeable fashion.

Whatever. I wish you the best.

fireside's avatar

I say start doing yourself while he is around.
If he doesn’t want to join in, then he has lost interest in you.

Let him know that you feel it is important to have an active sex life at this point in your relationship. I think that LuvBubble hit on it once you disclosed he was looking at some other girl’s myspace pictures.

Let him know that he will probably lose you if things don’t change. He will either snap out of it or you will have a more difficult choice to make.

xenializ's avatar

I am agreeing with @Blondesjon. I don’t know your relationship, but I think the main reason a guy would not have sex with someone not only willing but coming on to him would be that he has someone else he does not want to cheat on. I know this from first-hand experience.

Horus515's avatar

Ha. Usually its the other way around. The guy wants more sex and the girl doesn’t. Well I can’t see your pic that well but you look cute enough. We guys DO get tired of hitting the same old ass over time but we don’t stop doing it. We do one of two things, we slow down on the frequency and enthusiasm, or we cheat. Or maybe, if he is porn-addicted or some *&% like that then he could be wanking it on a completely unreasonable scale. lol. Most likely though he’s got some punanny stashed away somewhere and hits on the sly.

Horus515's avatar

@fireside

I had to give you a great answer because 1) I was thinking the same thing about her doing herself in front of him. 2) Anyone who in encouraging women to do that sort of thing gets a great answer vote from me.

fireside's avatar

@Horus515 – I held off at suggesting videos. : )

chelseababyy's avatar

@xenializ I would totally agree with you if I thought that was the case. But he has no time to cheat.

chelseababyy's avatar

I don’t think he’s stressed. He just got a job and we just got a car, so really there’s no reason for it. I’M usually the one getting stressed. The thing is this. He is sooo sweet, so affectionate, lots of kisses and hugs. But when it comes to sex. Nothin’.

westy81585's avatar

You put him in contact with me, we’ll have a long talk and i’ll set him straight for you :) .

Mr_M's avatar

Do yourself in front of him with a blow up of my avatar pic (with the red glasses) in your hand. That NEVER fails.

galileogirl's avatar

Mr M; I’m almost afraid to ask but have youa actually tested that hypothesis <:P

xenializ's avatar

anyone can find time to cheat—either in actuality or in his mind. I’m not saying this is definitely it, just saying I would do some serious checking and questioning. for your peace of mind.

DragonFace's avatar

he just likes to look at different titties everyday. if he is not cheating dont bother him

Mr_M's avatar

Worse case scenario: his interest in you was purely sexual and, like the same issue of a Playboy magazine, a sexual interest won’t last forever.

chelseababyy's avatar

@DragonFace Yeah, but he won’t even have sex with me. SO there IS a problem.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

All you can do at this point is confront him, but not in an angry way. However, you do need to say, flat out, that you want him to tell you what’s going on. Open the door (and let him know) that you want full, complete honesty. After he gives it to you, you can decide where to go from there.

Fact is, no one here knows what’s going on besides him. It could be major or minor, but because you’re what makes half of the relationship, you have every right to know. Good luck.

adri027's avatar

Erectile dysfunction?

glassglitterandbeads's avatar

My sister had this problem with her husband, and he finally had to admit that he was addicted to porn, but wasn’t willing to do anything about it. She and her new husband are very happy together! Her ex finally got help, started his own business that he always wanted, and I think he needed to hit bottom like any addict to get himself together. He’s a great dad now too. It’s been 7 years now though, and he still is on his own, not seeing anyone, he is doing a lot of self work, so it takes dedication. Be sure to take care of yourself first!

Jack79's avatar

what exactly happens in the porn he watches? Maybe he’s getting ideas? Maybe you should too?

porn should be a substitute for sex, not the other way round!

Triiiple's avatar

I cant believe this is a question.

Catch him watching the porn and then just blow him while hes doing it.

If stuff doesnt happen after that i have no idea.

DREW_R's avatar

Slap him upside the head and demand it. Also, get into the porn with him.

“Variety is the Spice of life.”

chelseababyy's avatar

He doesn’t have condoms and is worried, so he did the alternative.
Case Closed.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@chelseababyy: Glad to hear it!

Nicole18's avatar

Put on something sexy Make him want you
Get him aroused

ShauneP82's avatar

You are sadly being phased out. You should probably intervene somehow. Do something different that he would not expect. If you usually wait for him to instigate sex. You should try getting all sexy dressed or naked. Walk in on him while he is looking at porn and demand he use you instead of a crummy monitor. It would probably be good to keep this attitude up consistently for about 3 or 4 days.

Also, you both may want to kick the porn habit for a while. It can really get in the way of a healthy sexual relationship.

ayoub00's avatar

probably got a small dick nah jk he probably nervous or scared its he’s first time try and turn him on

KatawaGrey's avatar

Guys, she worked things out. Leave it alone.

CMaz's avatar

He sounds like a child. Porn is boring after the first 3 minutes. Hello, I have a real woman next to me. What the hell would I want to watch porn?
I prefer the real thing or I will find something else to do.

SeventhSense's avatar

Because he’s dumb. I’d bang ya silly. :)

chelseababyy's avatar

This thread is closed. No more answers needed. Thank you though.

ruprup22's avatar

hes just not that into you

RomanExpert's avatar

He’s cheating on you, jerking too much, or he’s gay! Sorry!

KatawaGrey's avatar

For future reference: The OP is no longer with the man in question. This question is more than a year old. Please stop replying.

CMaz's avatar

But it might not be a common issue. Could help others with same issue.

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