Would this make you angry?

It would depend if they actually ever went with me or not. If they just kept saying that but never really went, I would call them on it. If I hadn’t asked them to go, I wouldn’t get mad.

Honestly, if there is something I want to do and my husband doesn’t want to do, I just do it. I don’t continually ask him to join me. I just tell him I’m going to do it and go enjoy myself. He knows he is more than welcome to join me.

No. Anger is something specific. I might be a little worried.

@Seaofclouds They’re going with you. Would it bother you that they said they didn’t want to go, but were going anyway?

What is wrong with me? I don’t get it.

@Facade If they continued to say it everytime we went, I’d tell them that they didn’t have to come with me. It sounds like they are waiting for you to tell them to stay home in my opinion. I wouldn’t be mad about it though. I’d just go enjoy it myself.

@Seaofclouds What if that’s not their motivation? What if they are truly going just to do something nice?

I don’t see what the problem is, would this person rather they put on a facade and be fake just to please the other person?

Why would someone not want to do something, but do it anyway? Does the other person feel obligated for some reason? My wife and I don’t do everything together. If I don’t want to do it, she doesn’t push and I don’t do it. The reverse is also true. If she really wants me to do something, I’d do it, but I wouldn’t bitch about it the whole time.

@Blackberry I’m not sure
@tinyfaery Define “bitching.” Is it bitching to say exactly what I wrote in the OQ and nothing else?

OK, this is bull… My SO is pissed at me because I told him I didn’t want to go see some live latin music, but I would go with him anyway. I’m trying to see if I did something wrong here. And now I’m not going because he’s been a jerk to me all day about it.

Sounds like his feelings were hurt that you didn’t really want to go and he is reacting to it poorly.

Sounds like there is more to this story @Seaofclouds…you may need a referee to settle this one.

He’s mad because he wants you to WANT to go.

I smell some co-dependancy issues. lol

One party using anger to punish the other for not getting their way, and the other giving up their right to say ‘no’ and have it respected.

Icky stuff…

@Cruiser Nothing more than what I’ve written here

Did I mention our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow, and I was trying to do something nice?

Perhaps the way you said it is what caused him to get mad. Did you say “I don’t really want to go with you but will if you insist”, or was it more of a “I’m not interested in seeing that but I’ll go if you really want me to”? The first one makes it sound like you just don’t want to be with him but will if he insists while the second one makes it clear you aren’t interested in the event but you will go with him if he wants you to.

ETA: Maybe he has something nice planned for your anniversary as a suprise at this event.

If I read it just as written then I’d say your SO likes being with you and doesn’t like to say no to you but maybe they’d rather not be asked to go do whatever that thing is.
Mine says similar if I ask him to look at household stuff but he’ll do because he knows I’m excited about something for us and I try not to ask him too often.

@Seaofclouds I said what I wrote: “I’m not really interested in latin music, but I’ll go with you, babe.” I wasn’t being whiny or anything. Just trying to do something that would be fun for him.
@Neizvestnaya You’re got it backwards. I’m the one who didn’t want to go.

@Facade Compromise is a hard component of any relationship and doubly hard when having to do so around big days like anniversaries and even more so when your extra efforts are not acknowledged. BTW Happy anniversary!

@Facade Maybe he’s upset with himself for planning something you don’t like and is misplacing the anger on you.

@Facade
Is he angry at your response then? I’d just tell him flat out that I love him but… maybe that activity should become “his thing” unless it’s seeing his mom and then, well.

@Seaofclouds I don’t know. He says I never want to do anything. I’m perfectly ok with just hanging out around the house with him. He always wants to be doing something, even if he’s not that interested. I’d rather hang here than do something I don’t want to do unless he expresses great interest. In that case, I’ll go along with him.
@Neizvestnaya He said that if I wanted to do something nice, I should have just done it and not say that I don’t want to do it, or only say I don’t want to do it after we had already done it, which makes no fucking sense to me.

Well, @Facade, I wrote you a whole response thinking you were the one who’d done the inviting, and now I find out it was your SO who invited you. You gave the kind of reply my husband always used to give me about something I wanted to do regularly, and it led to a huge number of fights. It took me years to learn how to stop running headlong into that situation. So here’s what I was going to say, and you can just reverse it: I’m speaking for him and not for you.
—
I understand. You don’t want him to just be willing to do it with you. You want him to want to. To want to be with you as your companion. And his constantly reminding you that it isn’t his thing ensures that you have to feel like you’re dragging him along under duress if he goes, and you’ll be aware every minute that he doesn’t really want to be there, and you may even have to hear about it afterward. That’s not your idea of how to enjoy something together.

You want him to understand that it’s not about the thing per se but about doing it with you and that he should be willing to do it for your sake just as you would go along with him to do something that’s not your thing, for his sake.

Maybe you’ve even offered him a fair bargain: “Look, I’ll be happy to go with you to watch the fish in the aquarium because that’s what you want to do, even though underwater life isn’t my thing, and I’ll enjoy knowing that you enjoy it. Couldn’t you just come along with me to play miniature golf without having to remind me that you’d rather be watching TV?”

He sees your request as a demand and the use of his time as an imposition. And once he has made that plain to you, it just doesn’t feel very good to have him go along in that spirit. In the end you’d rather go alone than accept such a poor concession from him as if it were a big sacrifice just to spend time with a loved one.

Sorry, my dear, but that’s your expectation. You won’t change what he does or doesn’t want to do. Willingness might be the best you can get. I suggest one of two things:

(1) Don’t ask him if he wants to go miniature golfing (or whatever) tomorrow. He doesn’t. Tell him you’d like to go miniature golfing tomorrow and you’d really like it if he’d go with you. If he wants to be gracious, he can agree without having to give an opinion on the activity, and so you don’t have to hear it one more time.

or

(2) Forget about doing this particular activity with him. Separate what you want to do from what you want him to do.

Like it or not, you’re with a man who doesn’t like to go miniature golfing. Find a friend who does, and do other things with your SO.

@Jeruba I hate to do this to you, but my brain is too frazzled to switch the roles in your response (but I did try). Could you sum up what I should have done, please?

Darlin’, I can’t say what you should have done. What you have to understand is that what he wants and what he’s asking you for are two different things. He’s mad because he’s disappointed, and he’s disappointed because he hoped you would want to do this thing with him. Not for the sake of the activity but for his sake. So his feelings are hurt because doing it for his sake isn’t important to you.

If I were you, I would say “Sure—I’m pleased that you want me to go with you” and I’d go, unless it was something I truly could not stand. But that’s because I know how he feels.

@Jeruba That’s not true. I was going to do it until he was unfriendly and distant with me all day. Doing it for his sake was my whole reason for going.

@Facade

It makes sense to me.

I know that I do not want someone ever doing something for me or with me out of a sense of obligation or guilt or coercion.

If you are unable to genuinely WANT to to whatever, you shouldn’t do it, period.

Contrived wanting sends off a lot of negative vibes, and of course it would…people can tune into the lack of true enthusiasm.

Sounds like you two have different social & entertainment needs.

I don’t buy into the doing somethng for another as some sort of appeasing sacrifice to have them do the same unto you.

If your heart is not truly in it, neither should your body be.

It is self and other betrayal to pretend otherwise, and the quickest way to build resentment and start that ugly score keeping card that ruins relationships.

If you told him it wasn’t your thing but you were willing to go, he’s disappointed.

The expectations are his and he’s responsible for them, not you.

In his place I learned to deal with it another way because my husband was never going to want the same things. I am not saying you should have done otherwise (as stated above). I’m just trying to account for the feelings he expressed, since you asked.

@Facade
Ok I get it now, I think. Jeruba just beat me to the punch. I totally know what it’s like to be on both ends of that and sometimes the feelings are what they are and you two agree to be tepid on some things, hopefully not a big deal thing.

@Coloma It wasn’t “obligation or guilt or coercion.” I was indifferent to listening to latin music, but I was very into making him happy. No negative feelings were involved at all. I wasn’t thinking about a score card or “I’m doing this for him, now he has to do something for me.” None of that was on my mind.
@Jeruba I don’t quite understand.

He says that I always do this to him, but I don’t know what it is I’m “doing.” If I don’t want to do something, I’m not going to pretend I do. I also don’t understand why he can’t just choose something we both would enjoy, instead of expecting me to want to go do something just for the sake of doing something. He brought this activity up to me on Monday, and I told him just what I wrote here. Would it not make sense to look for other things to do before today if he was that upset about me not wanting to go?

It isn’t wrong of him to want you to want to go. He would like you to love what he loves and enjoy what he enjoys. And if you don’t, he’s disappointed.

But in fact you can’t make another person like something. So his expectation is unrealistic. That doesn’t make him less mad. But in reality his expectations are his problem, harsh as that may sound.

You didn’t ask if what you did was right or wrong. You asked why he’s angry. I explained why he’s angry. That doesn’t make you wrong. You don’t exist to spare him from being angry.

@Jeruba Well put. But now I’m asking if I was wrong.

@Facade- I think Jeruba’s right in that he knows you were going because he enjoys it so much and your company too but I also agree with her that he was hoping by some way you’d come to enjoy it if you just kept going. His greater hopes and/or expectations overrode his gratitude for your sweet intent company.

And that I can’t judge. I spent a lot of years thinking my husband was wrong, that he should have wanted to go because I asked him and for no other reason; but the only change I had the power to make was in me and not in him.

Now I go to the opera and theatre with friends who love it, and if he remembers to say anything at all, he manages to muster a question when I come home: “Did you enjoy it?” That’s all I’m going to get, and so I expect nothing more.

I do other things with him, and this resentment is far, far behind me, but it ate at me for years and hurt us both.

I feel bad for you that you and your SO are fighting on the eve of your anniversary. Maybe he had something special in mind for a celebration and you hurt his feelings by saying “I don’t want to see live latin music, but I will.” You both are going to think you are right, so why not be the bigger person and try to make up and celebrate your anniversary?

@Neizvestnaya Why would anyone choose to be angry over the fact that the other person doesn’t share their interest instead of being happy that the other person wants to make them happy?
@chyna Because his ego is huge, and I cannot let him go on thinking that that’s ok. I’d be all for doing the right thing, yet again, and apologizing/making up. But I’m tired of him never admitting he was wrong or even entertaining the fact that his opinion isn’t always the right one.

I won’t. I respect that we have differences and we have to respect each other. I will say the same thing in case he ask me to do what I don’t like with him. I think it’s sweet enough to do what you don’t like for the sake of others you care about in order to make them feel appreciated. I will not,however,consider religion is something I would try to do/enjoy in order to respect others choice.

@Facade- why would he choose to be angry instead of accepting? I think you just said it when you replied to @chyna, his ego is huge. Maybe he believed you could be swayed. Remember Jeruba’s story about her husband and opera/theater? My own partner likes a style of music I find extremely annoying and in his mind I’m sure he thinks I’m just not socially hip. Gawds strike him down though if he makes me listen to it for more than a few minutes.

@Neizvestnaya I was “swayed” until he was an ass today. That “unswayed” me so to speak.

(And this is a great argument for finding a mate with whom you have lots of interests in common, in case anybody wonders why that matters.)

Well, no. They’re being honest, which is much better than pretending to like the activity. I suppose it’s kinda blunt and not very romantic, but part of a relationship is acceptance.

@Facade

You know what ‘they’ say..‘do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?’

If you both don’t find a way to get creative and satisfactorily meet both your needs this anniversary is going to be over and done with and someones going to be spending the night on the couch.

@Facade It sounds like this goes deeper than just this one event. You said he says you do this all the time. Perhaps he is feeling some rejection from you because you don’t like doing the things he does and you always tell him that. As the others have said, this is something he needs to deal with. All you can do is try to talk to him about it and point out that there seems to be a problem that the two of you need to work on. Good luck!

@Jeruba Don’t get the wrong idea. We have a lot in common. But there are some things that he likes that I don’t. This whole thing makes it seem bigger than it is. He seems to think that I should just do something, even if I don’t particularly like it because that’s what he does. I’m not that desperate for stimulation.
@Seaofclouds This happens with most things he brings up to do because he brings up things that I do not enjoy. Camping, hiking, going to the park, listening to random bands. He didn’t even know what music was going on today, but he wanted so bad to go see it. I had to push him just to find out what type of music it was. He knows I don’t like outdoorsy things because of my fear of bugs, yet he insists on doing those things and then gets mad when I say I don’t want to do them. Very fucking frustrating.

I’ve been married to three different people, the latest for 35 years, and I never did get this “joined at the hip” business. When I want to do something my SO doesn’t like, he stays home and I go, and the reverse is true. Why would anyone expect another person to like everything you like, and if they don’t, they should change? It doesn’t make sense to me.

Just a thought from left field, @Facade, even if no help for today: would getting over your phobia make a big difference in your lives?

@YARNLADY We like to do things together. That’s just how we are. This isn’t about me doing things I don’t care for because 90% of the time, I’m indifferent and wouldn’t mind going. This about why he would be angry at me for expressing that I do not care to see live latin music, but will do it anyway.
@Jeruba Yep. I’d love to do those things. I love nature. I’m just very, very afraid of bugs.

I seem to remember seeing a recent comment from one of our resident shrinks, psychology experts, dpworkin or Dr_Lawrence perhaps, that phobias could be cured in a small number of focused therapy sessions. Anyone else remember that?

@Jeruba I remember seeing it, but I’m not sure which of the two said it.

I don’t see why that needs to be said every time you go to the activity – once is plenty and also, I’d say ‘actually, there is no need to do that…just for me’ – that’s why we do separate things when necessary.

What do you expect—that he will all of a sudden really like it? He could just say he doesn’t want to have any part of it—that would be honest.

@perspicacious You may want to read some of the thread.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir There is no “every time.” This particular instance was one time. I gave him the same answer every time he asked if I was sure I wanted to go.

But it’s all resolved now. He’s apologized etc.
Thanks everyone for your input.

@Facade I’m glad you guys worked it out. I hope you have a good anniversary. If this continues in the future, maybe therapy could help the two of you understand each other’s perspective and get it fixed so this doesn’t keep happening.

@Seaofclouds I’m actually pretty good at resolving conflict and acting as a therapist (that’s how we reconciled), but I too think that therapy would be helpful. And thanks, it should be good =)

Since i only found this thread now, and there are already many answers written, i have not read them all.
Here is my view (that might have been given by someone else already):
Obviously we can’t expect to only have same interests as a couple, he likes Latin, you don’t.
You like jazz, he does not.
That does not have to mean that you can’t join each other to visit concerts where these styles are being played.
You just go with the other, not to enjoy the music so much, but to enjoy your boyfriend and let your boyfriend enjoy you(r company).
The best would be to not tell each other that actually you dislike his/her beloved music style [insert any other interest] every time such an event comes up.
That can be seen/heard then as whining or looking for an excuse to not join in.

I have known men who were like that. It always seemed as if it is not enough that you go willingly, you have to love it too! Never did understand it. And the thing is, I like most everything, except 5 day cricket matches, I am learning to like cricket but not for 5 days straight! Thank goodness my mate could never sit still that long either.

I would just ignore the behavior, you know what they say, if he has a problem, it is __his__ problem.

Nothing can make a person angry. It’s always a choice.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies How?

Slap me in the face. I make a thoughtful decision to slap you back, or turn the other cheek. No one is in control of my feelings, or my reactions. Believing otherwise is a slippery slope to claiming that The Devil Made me do it, therefor, I never have to accept the responsibilities of my own actions. The Aggressor is made the Victim, and the Victim is made the Aggressor. We all walk away blaming others. We become little Martyrs to our personal vendettas. We are Judge and Jury, disguising our thoughtless reactions as thoughtful actions.

It rains, and we melt, rather than thoughtfully extending an umbrella to proceed upon our way.

Make me angry? Do they have a joystick or a WiiMote that controls me?

@Facade
Now that you mentioned the fear of bugs and crawlies then do you think he’s trying covert ways to get you little by little to get outside and conquor the fear? Maybe he’s banking on your love for him and want of being out together to push you so you can enjoy easy nature things like hanging out in a park, beach, etc. Tell him you really appreciate him trying to get you out and about but you want smaller steps, less frequent outings and see if he bites.

@Neizvestnaya Good thinking

It wouldn’t make me angry but it would annoy me, and I would tell my SO that I would really rather go alone.