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brettvdb's avatar

Do you have good jokes/lines for my best man speech?

Asked by brettvdb (1190 points ) September 21st, 2010

I was asked on the weekend to be the best man at a friend’s wedding. Even though the wedding isn’t until next summer, I started thinking I should jot down some ideas early on.

I’ve never been to a wedding and only seen them in movies. Does anyone have suggestions for funny jokes or lines they’ve heard used, or used themselves, in a best man speech?

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12 Answers

BoBo1946's avatar

Is this for the rehearsal dinner speech, bachelor party, or both?

brettvdb's avatar

I’m thinking of the dinner speech, which is a bit tougher because I can’t offend grandparents or say things too inappropriate for children, you know?

BoBo1946's avatar

Introduce yourself and briefly explain your relationship to the groom. Humorous example: “Hi, I’m Danny. I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time. After all these years, John finally admitted that I’m the best man.” And, go from there. Short and light hearted is the best approach. If you need a good joke, let me know, but as you know, this has to be done with taste and class.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

The best and most memorable toasts I’ve given or heard usually included some humor about the couple’s line of work, how they met, personal ancedotes, etc. The more it is catered to the two of them, the more personal you can make, it the better. And staying classy is definately the way to go.

BoBo1946's avatar

@brettvdb you might check this out. Some very good information on wedding rehearsal dinner speaking etc.

http://www.speech-topics-help.com/free-wedding-speech.html

CMaz's avatar

Guy is in prison. Going to be be in for a long time.
Gets put in a cell with this really big guy.
Big guy says, I will give you the choice. You can be the husband or the wife.

Guy says, Great! I will be the husband. Big guy says, great! Now come over here and suck your wife’s dick.

ucme's avatar

Well, as always on these occasions the bride comes first….....at least with me she did!! :¬)

Scooby's avatar

Collect a lot of keys from the wedding party/friends WITHOUT the bride and groom’s knowledge. Pass them out to as many women as possible (swearing them to secrecy). During your speech, announce “The bride realises that the groom has had a lot of girlfriends over the years. She would appreciate it if any of them who have keys to his place could please return them.” This is the cue for all the women to bring their keys to the wedding party table. Try to get a couple of pregnant women in the group and maybe somebody’s grandma. :-/

Scooby's avatar

A good joke :-/

(Best man)

The last wedding I was at there was a priest and a minister present. When they brought the drinks round for the toast, the minister said “I’ll have a large whisky” but the priest replied ” No alcohol for me I’d rather go with a scarlet woman ”. So the minister put his drink back and said ” Sorry I didn’t know there was a choice”. ‘NOW’ I don’t want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present I apologise, but if there is a scarlet woman here, I’ll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes! :-/

Scooby's avatar

Married life is full of excitement and frustration…. :-/
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
:-/

flutherother's avatar

You could give them the weather forecast “warm and close with a little sun later.”

Blueroses's avatar

The best man at a friend’s wedding did this fun, all-ages appropriate one. He asked the bride to extend her hand and the groom to place his on top of hers. He then said, “You’ll remember this, John, as the last time you had the upper hand.”

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